Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.


"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.


"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."


"And what of the third body?" asked the Inspector.


"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."


"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.


"Thought he was having his picture taken."

Aussie Humor



A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an unhabited island.


After being there for awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.


As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.


A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.


When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.


Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear....


"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Punishment in Heaven

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

Little Johnny's father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new mountain bike.


"Where did you get the money for the bike, son? It must have cost $500," he asked.


"I earned it hiking, Dad," replied Little Johnny.


"Come on, John," said his father. "Tell the truth."


"That is the truth, Dad!" Johnny replied. "Every night while you were gone, Mom's boss came come over to work late with Mom. He'd give me a twenty and tell me to 'take a hike'!"

A crusty old man walks into the local church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."


The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"


"Listen up, damn it," said the old man. "I said I want to join this damn church!"


"I'm very sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in THIS church," said the secretary. She then leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation.


The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.


They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"


"There's no damn problem," the old man says. "I just won $200 million in this damn lottery and I want to join this damn churge to get rid of some of this damn money."


"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

At The Roulette Table



A woman, losing at roulette, was down to her last ten dollars so she asked the man beside her for a good number.


"Why don't you play your age?" he suggested.


"That's an idea!" she agreed, and put her money on the table.


When the wheel stopped, she fainted and fell to the floor.


The man looked to the croupier. "Did she win?" he asked.


"No," replied the attendant. "She put ten on number 27 and number 35 came in!"



There's a lesson here, ladies: Never lie about your age to a roulette table. Hehehe!

He Said, She Said



He said: "It's just too hot to wear clothes today. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn naked?"


She said: "Probably that I married you for your money."



He said: "Ever since I first laid eyes on you, I've want to make love to you really badly."


She said: "Well, you've succeeded."



He said: "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give you?"


She said: "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."



He said: "Let's try swapping positions tonight?"


She said: "Fine. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

"7 kinds of sex"

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog barking.


It had been barking for hours and hours.


Suddenly, paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I’ve had enough of this." He goes downstairs.


Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing"


Paddy says, "I’ve put their dog in our yard ... now we'll fookin' see how THEY like it!"

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.


Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house.

He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.



Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

He told them that the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.



The third man had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, fill the washing machine and call a landscaper.

Wild Turkey

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy
carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy,
"Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy look down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted
under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so
what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break
his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break
your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you
gonna do with him?"

The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his butt and let him go!!

this is not meant to offend any one





Baptizing a drunk
>
>> A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
> upon a
>> preacher baptizing people in the river.
>> He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the
>> preacher.
>> The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
> alcohol,
>> whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
>>
>> The Drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
>>
>> So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
>>
>> He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found
Jesus?"
>>
>> The Drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
>>
>> The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again
> or a
>> little longer.
>>
>> He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found
> Jesus
>> my
>> brother?"
>>
>> The Drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
>>
>> By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
> the
>> water again...but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and
> when
>> he
>> begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
>>
>> The preacher again asks the Drunk, "For the love of God have you
> found
>> Jesus?"
>>
>> The Drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
> preacher,
>> *
>> *
>> *
>> *
>> *
>> "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

An Oirish Story.
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! "shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

(Wait for it...........scroll down.)







"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

Lmao. Corny, but made mne laugh :p

Lol that was funny, I wasn too sure were the joke was going, but that is quite funny

The original version had cartoon to illustrate but as this is a nice forum I decided not to include them

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by alan45

The original version had cartoon to illustrate but as this is a nice forum I decided not to include them

---

Tell me something after nearly 3 years of being on here why do I still fall for your mad jokes :lol: The strange thing is I was able to read and understand the irish pronounceation.

A man from Cornerbrook driving a Volkswagen Beetle in Toronto pulls up > next

> to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.

>

> Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you

> gots

> a telephone in that Rolls?"

>

> The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

>

> "I gots one too... see?" the Newfie says.

>

> "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

>

> "You gots a fax machine?" asks the Newfie.

>

> "Why, actually, yes, I do."

>

> "I does too! See? It's right here!" brags the guy from the Rock.

>

> The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen

> says,

> "So, does you have a double bed in back there?"

>

> The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

>

> "Yep, gots me double bed right in back here," the Newfie replies.

>

> The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

>

> Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he

> immediately

> goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back

> of

> his car.

>

> About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and

> drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the

> Newfoundland

> Labrador plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he

> pulls

> his Rolls up next to it.

>

> The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat

> awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps

> on

> the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

>

> (It's ok, the joke is CLEAN)

>

> The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks

> out.

>

> The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

>

> "Yeah, yeah, I remembers you," replies the Newfoundlander, "What's up?"

>

> "Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

>

> The Newfie exclaims, "B'JEEZ B'Y, YOU GOTS ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELLS

> ME

> THAT?"

WOMAN'S DIARY:
>
>Saturday 20th October 2007
>
>Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been
>shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so
>thought it might be that.
>
>The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter
>to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go
>somewhere nice to eat.
>
>All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and
>didn't
>seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew
>that something was wrong.
>
>He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he
>hesitated but followed.
>
>I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook
>his head and turned the television on.
>
>After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.
>
>I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave
>a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did,
>and
>I was surprised when we made love.
>
>He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was
>going to leave me and that he had found someone else.
>
>I cried myself to sleep.

>MANS DIARY:>
>Saturday 20th October 2007
>
>England lost to South Africa. Gutted. Got a shag though.

George W. Bush had a heart attack and died. He went to hell where the Devil was waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' said the devil. 'You are on my list but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'

The devil open the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' Bush said. ' I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day.'

The devil led him to the next room: In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time.
No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!' commented Bush.

The devil opened the third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinski, doing what she did best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, Yeah, I can handle this.'

Wait for it ......................








The devil smiled and said, 'Okay, Monica, you're free to go!'

:rotfl: Thats so funny.

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.


When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."


"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Subtle Scottish Humour





An English doctor was being shown around a Scottish hospital. Near the end of his visit, he saw a ward of patients with no obvious injuries.


He started to examine the first patient, but the man proclaimed:


"Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face / Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!"


The doctor, taken aback, moved on to the next patient, who immediately said,


"Some hae meat and canna eat / And some wad eat that want it."


The next patient cried out,


"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie /


O what a panic's in thy breastie!"


"Well," the English doctor muttered to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last."


"Oh, no," said the Scottish doctor. "This is our serious Burns unit!"

:o I dont get it

The clue is in the title.:hmm:

Neither do I :confused:

Still dont get :o :(

'A Scottish Joke For Friday Night'

It's Burn's night on Friday.

For all the non-celts amongst us http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burns_supper

Oh right, I get it now

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by alan45

For all the non-celts amongst us http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burns_supper

---

Do people still celebrate Burn's night in that way with all the speeches and singing?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Abigail

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by alan45

For all the non-celts amongst us http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burns_supper

---

Do people still celebrate Burn's night in that way with all the speeches and singing?

---

Not to mention addressing the Haggis

Yep we do still celebrate Burns up here in Scotland with celidh's. I will be having Haggis for tea tomorrow night.

We celebrate it over here too. We are heading out for a Burns Supper and dance

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the question.

Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:
I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie,
my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came
through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he
went over to her.

After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said,

'How are you feeling?'


'Now what the F*ck would you say?'

An American Tourist In London



An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.


After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants and, worst of all, no public restrooms.


However, after all those Guinnesses, he really has to go. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.


As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."


"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."


"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me".


He leads the American through a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.


"In there," points the bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."


The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable.


As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?"


"No, sir." replied the bobby. "That is what we call the French Embassy."

Father John was going away on church business and asked new priest Father Seamus to take confession while he was away. Father John had given a list of punishements for each sin that is confessed to him. Father Seamus begins his first confession:

The first sinner comes in: Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Father Seamus asked what the sin is and she confesses that she have stolen. Father Seamus gives the sinner 5 Our Father's and 3 Hail Mary's as a punishment.

The second sinner askes for forgivness and confesses that they have lied. Her punishement is 3 Hail Mary's

The third sinner goes into the confession box and asks for forgivness. Father Seamus again ask what the sin is. The sinner says that she has given a man a blow-job. Father Seamus does not know what punishment to give the sinner and looks through his notes from Father John on sin's confessed but he can't find anything about blow-jobs. Quicly he looks out of the confession box and see's Mrs Murphy the church cleaner cleaning the pews. He asks Mrs Murphy what does Father John give for a blow-job.

Mrs Murphy answers £12.50 if I take my teeth out :rotfl:

A 45 year old woman, Edna, had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience



Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."



Upon recovery, Edna decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! The full package and since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.



After her last operation, she was released from the hospital but, while crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ambulance and killed.



Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "******* me Edna, I didn't recognise you !!"

:rotfl: Now that was funny!