Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

[Abbie]

Oh right, I get it now

[Abigail]

For all the non-celts amongst us http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burns_supper

Do people still celebrate Burn's night in that way with all the speeches and singing?

[alan45]

For all the non-celts amongst us http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burns_supper

Do people still celebrate Burn's night in that way with all the speeches and singing?

Not to mention addressing the Haggis

[Chloe O'brien]

Yep we do still celebrate Burns up here in Scotland with celidh's. I will be having Haggis for tea tomorrow night.

[alan45]

We celebrate it over here too. We are heading out for a Burns Supper and dance

[alan45]

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the question.

Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:
I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie,
my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came
through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he
went over to her.

After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said,

'How are you feeling?'


'Now what the F*ck would you say?'

[alan45]

An American Tourist In London



An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.


After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants and, worst of all, no public restrooms.


However, after all those Guinnesses, he really has to go. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.


As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."


"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."


"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me".


He leads the American through a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.


"In there," points the bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."


The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable.


As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?"


"No, sir." replied the bobby. "That is what we call the French Embassy."

[Chloe O'brien]

Father John was going away on church business and asked new priest Father Seamus to take confession while he was away. Father John had given a list of punishements for each sin that is confessed to him. Father Seamus begins his first confession:

The first sinner comes in: Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Father Seamus asked what the sin is and she confesses that she have stolen. Father Seamus gives the sinner 5 Our Father's and 3 Hail Mary's as a punishment.

The second sinner askes for forgivness and confesses that they have lied. Her punishement is 3 Hail Mary's

The third sinner goes into the confession box and asks for forgivness. Father Seamus again ask what the sin is. The sinner says that she has given a man a blow-job. Father Seamus does not know what punishment to give the sinner and looks through his notes from Father John on sin's confessed but he can't find anything about blow-jobs. Quicly he looks out of the confession box and see's Mrs Murphy the church cleaner cleaning the pews. He asks Mrs Murphy what does Father John give for a blow-job.

Mrs Murphy answers £12.50 if I take my teeth out

[alan45]

A 45 year old woman, Edna, had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience



Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."



Upon recovery, Edna decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! The full package and since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.



After her last operation, she was released from the hospital but, while crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ambulance and killed.



Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "******* me Edna, I didn't recognise you !!"

[Abbie]

Now that was funny!