Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

[Chloe O'brien]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.


Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house.

He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.



Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

He told them that the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.



The third man had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, fill the washing machine and call a landscaper.

[JustJodi]

Wild Turkey

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy
carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy,
"Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy look down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted
under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so
what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break
his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break
your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you
gonna do with him?"

The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his butt and let him go!!

[JustJodi]

this is not meant to offend any one





Baptizing a drunk
>
>> A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
> upon a
>> preacher baptizing people in the river.
>> He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the
>> preacher.
>> The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
> alcohol,
>> whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
>>
>> The Drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
>>
>> So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
>>
>> He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found
Jesus?"
>>
>> The Drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
>>
>> The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again
> or a
>> little longer.
>>
>> He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found
> Jesus
>> my
>> brother?"
>>
>> The Drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
>>
>> By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
> the
>> water again...but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and
> when
>> he
>> begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
>>
>> The preacher again asks the Drunk, "For the love of God have you
> found
>> Jesus?"
>>
>> The Drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
> preacher,
>> *
>> *
>> *
>> *
>> *
>> "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[alan45]

An Oirish Story.
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! "shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

(Wait for it...........scroll down.)







"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

[CrazyLea]

Lmao. Corny, but made mne laugh

[Abbie]

Lol that was funny, I wasn too sure were the joke was going, but that is quite funny

[alan45]

The original version had cartoon to illustrate but as this is a nice forum I decided not to include them

[Chloe O'brien]

The original version had cartoon to illustrate but as this is a nice forum I decided not to include them

Tell me something after nearly 3 years of being on here why do I still fall for your mad jokes The strange thing is I was able to read and understand the irish pronounceation.

[JustJodi]

A man from Cornerbrook driving a Volkswagen Beetle in Toronto pulls up > next

> to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.

>

> Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you

> gots

> a telephone in that Rolls?"

>

> The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

>

> "I gots one too... see?" the Newfie says.

>

> "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

>

> "You gots a fax machine?" asks the Newfie.

>

> "Why, actually, yes, I do."

>

> "I does too! See? It's right here!" brags the guy from the Rock.

>

> The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen

> says,

> "So, does you have a double bed in back there?"

>

> The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

>

> "Yep, gots me double bed right in back here," the Newfie replies.

>

> The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

>

> Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he

> immediately

> goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back

> of

> his car.

>

> About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and

> drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the

> Newfoundland

> Labrador plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he

> pulls

> his Rolls up next to it.

>

> The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat

> awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps

> on

> the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

>

> (It's ok, the joke is CLEAN)

>

> The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks

> out.

>

> The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

>

> "Yeah, yeah, I remembers you," replies the Newfoundlander, "What's up?"

>

> "Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

>

> The Newfie exclaims, "B'JEEZ B'Y, YOU GOTS ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELLS

> ME

> THAT?"

[alan45]

WOMAN'S DIARY:
>
>Saturday 20th October 2007
>
>Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been
>shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so
>thought it might be that.
>
>The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter
>to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go
>somewhere nice to eat.
>
>All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and
>didn't
>seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew
>that something was wrong.
>
>He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he
>hesitated but followed.
>
>I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook
>his head and turned the television on.
>
>After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.
>
>I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave
>a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did,
>and
>I was surprised when we made love.
>
>He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was
>going to leave me and that he had found someone else.
>
>I cried myself to sleep.

>MANS DIARY:>
>Saturday 20th October 2007
>
>England lost to South Africa. Gutted. Got a shag though.