Can it work with friends?

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16-07-2008, 19:56
Bryan

Can it work with friends?

The age old question, can you have a relationship with a friend?

I've started to grow strong feelings for one of my friends, and would like to think we could become more, we do have a bit of a spark and spend a lot of time together.

I'm just not sure how to approach the topic, as it would be awkward to just change the dynamic in our relationship like that. One minute to just be friends and the next you're having a relationship, i dunno, it's complicated really, i dont know if it'd change the way i was around her :searchme:

What are everyones views on getting with friends? Any got any experiences of this?
16-07-2008, 20:10
Xx-Vicky-xX

Not me personally but a friend of mine had really strong feeling for his best friend and one day he took a complete gamble and made his feeling clear and his mate just clammed up and didnt know how to take it. They spoke about it and the other one did not have the same feelings for my friend but he loved the person so much it tore him apart , he couldnt let go in hope the friend would change their mind but the more his friend insisted on not being with him the more he got hurt and ended up resenting his friend.

Im not saying this happens to everyone but that slowly ate away at that friendship and at my mate's heart, he would phone me up some days in tears others angry and others so hurt he wanted out of our little group and sometimes wanted to take his life so from that point of view no i dont think getting with friends can work but at the end of the day it is up to you if you want to take that gamble or not
16-07-2008, 20:13
Perdita

Is she available, that is important? No good hankering after her if she is in a relationship, imo.
I think that being friends before a relationship develops can be very beneficial to a relationship because you probably know each other pretty well and you know what each other likes and dislikes etc. But if you want more excitement in getting to know a person then of course it might be a downer. I always believe that honesty is the way to be with everybody, so you might want to find a way to let her know how you feel and that you would not mind being more than just a friend. If she is free, go for it is my advice. She might feel the same about you or she will soon tell you that she is not.
16-07-2008, 20:17
Bryan

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perdita

Is she available, that is important? No good hankering after her if she is in a relationship, imo.
I think that being friends before a relationship develops can be very beneficial to a relationship because you probably know each other pretty well and you know what each other likes and dislikes etc. But if you want more excitement in getting to know a person then of course it might be a downer. I always believe that honesty is the way to be with everybody, so you might want to find a way to let her know how you feel and that you would not mind being more than just a friend. If she is free, go for it is my advice. She might feel the same about you or she will soon tell you that she is not.

yes she's available. it's been a case of never realising how great she was until recently. A line from All Time Love by Will Young "sometimes you walk by the right ones, cus you're trying too hard to see them".

the thing with me is i dont have any confidence with girls, so i find it hard to chat up girls i dont know or anything. but once i know someone i'm fine with them, but by then they consider me a friend and it's often the case "i dont want to ruin the friendship" etc.

personality is such a big factor in my opinion, i tend to fall for personalities more than anything, and you can only know about that when you've got to know the person. i agree being friends before hand gives a very strong foundation.

i'm not sure how to approach telling her though. it's going to be very awkward.
16-07-2008, 20:22
Perdita

Buy her a record/CD with meaningful words and/or a letter confessing how you feel, that way she has time to consider her side of things. This happened to me years ago, got a letter in which I was asked whether I would like to be more than a friend. I was in a relationship and turned him down. He gave me away at my wedding as my dad was dead, we are still mates.
16-07-2008, 20:27
di marco

i think it depends really, not helpful i know lol! in the best instance, it could work out and you could be together for ages/your whole life, but in other instances it could end horribly and you could end up losing her as a friend. i dont think you can know for definite til you actually try it so its whether you feel that its worth it to take the risk

i have friends who have gone out with other friends and each has ended differently. my housemate worked with her ex back where she lives at home and was good friends with him, they went out for about 1yr but she decided to break up with him cos he was starting to annoy her. he took it the wrong way and now hates her, she hates having to go back to where she works when she goes back home cos of the atmosphere it creates. even if he didnt hate her, she said that she didnt think she could still have been good friends with him cos the reasons they broke up were cos she didnt really like spending time with him anymore. obviously thats the worst case. i also have 2 friends who have been going out with each other for about 10months (i know thats not the best example cos its not that long but still) and they seem to be really happy, though theyre the sort of couple where the rest of us knew they would get together at some point. then there have been other friends who have gone out for a few weeks/months, realised it didnt work and just gone back to being friends how they were before. dunno how that long essay was helpful lol but just showing that it really does depend

ive never actually been out with a good mate myself, but one of my closest guy friends did ask me out, and although i turned him down, which i hated doing cos i didnt know how he was gonna react, he took it ok and we are still really close, hes one of my best friends and thankfully him telling me and me turning him down didnt affect that, even though there was a strong chance that it would

i think youve just gotta do what you think is right. the one thing you should think about before you ask her is do you have the same close group of friends, as if it all goes wrong and you then hate each other then that could cause a problem. also make sure you know that if you tell her and she turns you down then you wont hold it against her or let it ruin your friendship. though youre not gonna really know what will happen unless you talk to her about it and see what she thinks although i would make sure i was certain til i said anything

none of that probably helped at all lol but if you feel you wanna be in a relationship with her than dont hold back cos youre worried it wont work, you wont know unless you try and i dont think going by other peoples experiences will really help know whats best for you :)

sorry about the essay, didnt realise it was quite so long lol!
16-07-2008, 20:30
DaVeyWaVey

Write her a letter and tell her how you feel - I find writing down your feelings helps a lot, and it would save you feeling awkward telling her face to face. At the end of the letter, you could tell her to phone or text you, so you know how she's taken the news, then you can arrange to meet and discuss it ... just my two pence worth, but it could help you feel less awkward.

I think you should go for it anyway! Especially if she's available, you can't let the chance pass you by. If your feelings aren't reciprocated, then it's hard luck and you'll have to move on but I'm sure you would both stay friends... if it works out and she feels the same way as you do, then that's great!

I do actually think a relationship would work if you have been friends with them. At least, you've both had time to let your feelings develop for each other and you've sustained an impression on each other (which I can tell is a positive impression if you've spent lots of time with each other). You know each other well enough to take things that step further if a relationship does form between you, best to take things slow and start off as friends and then develop that friendship into a relationship, rather than dive straight in at the deep end and start a relationship from the off, in my opinion anyway.

Good luck!
16-07-2008, 20:30
Jessie Wallace

no no no no no, never ever goes there!
16-07-2008, 20:32
Abigail

Me and Kirsty were talking about this on the shoutbox the other night. I'll let her tell you her situation.

Never been in a relationship with a friend but I have had strong feelings for him. He had a girlfriend at the time and I didn't want to ruin what we had by telling him.

Has she displayed any signs of liking you? Maybe you or a mutual friend could ask if she's interested in a relationship or has her eye on someone. Just drop it into the conversation. If she asks about you, just tell her how you feel. If you don't tell her you might regret it.
16-07-2008, 20:37
di marco

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abigail

Has she displayed any signs of liking you? Maybe you or a mutual friend could ask if she's interested in a relationship or has her eye on someone. Just drop it into the conversation. If she asks about you, just tell her how you feel. If you don't tell her you might regret it.

thats a good idea, although id be careful how you say it if youre going to be the one to just drop it casually into a conversation. before my friend asked me out, he started asking me questions about old boyfriends and if i liked anyone at that time, which i thought was weird cos it was just so random the way he brought it up! found out after when he actually asked me out it was so he didnt look stupid as he didnt wanna ask me out if i liked someone else or had a secret boyfriend somewhere he didnt know about lol!
16-07-2008, 20:39
Perdita

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jessie Wallace

no no no no no, never ever goes there!

Why do you feel like this? It might not work out, true, but if people don't tell each other how they feel about each other, they will never know and could miss out on a lot of happiness. Did not say it would last but life is too short to miss out imo. She might feel the same and is also too shy to tell Bry her feelings for him. We could all be buying new hats in a couple of years - has there been a Soapboard wedding yet? :lol:
16-07-2008, 20:41
Bryan

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perdita

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jessie Wallace

no no no no no, never ever goes there!

We could all be buying new hats in a couple of years - has there been a Soapboard wedding yet? :lol:

i'm sure there was, steph and alkaline trio got married on here didn't they and lea was a bridesmaid? or am i dreaming that? hmmm...
16-07-2008, 20:44
di marco

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bryan

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perdita

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jessie Wallace

no no no no no, never ever goes there!

We could all be buying new hats in a couple of years - has there been a Soapboard wedding yet? :lol:

i'm sure there was, steph and alkaline trio got married on here didn't they and lea was a bridesmaid? or am i dreaming that? hmmm...

haha yeh that probably happened lol! i know they were going out at one point (if i remember correctly)
16-07-2008, 20:44
Abbie

:eek: Has there been a soapboard wedding?

My friends who have been in realtionships with friends have worked, one couple been together 3 years
A few others have worked for a while
16-07-2008, 20:45
Bryan

Quote:

Originally Posted by di marco

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bryan

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perdita

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jessie Wallace

no no no no no, never ever goes there!

We could all be buying new hats in a couple of years - has there been a Soapboard wedding yet? :lol:

i'm sure there was, steph and alkaline trio got married on here didn't they and lea was a bridesmaid? or am i dreaming that? hmmm...

haha yeh that probably happened lol! i know they were going out at one point (if i remember correctly)

yeah, but it didn't last long i don't think. don't get me started on soapboards romances, i so aint going there again!!!
16-07-2008, 20:47
Jessie Wallace

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perdita

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jessie Wallace

no no no no no, never ever goes there!

Why do you feel like this? It might not work out, true, but if people don't tell each other how they feel about each other, they will never know and could miss out on a lot of happiness. Did not say it would last but life is too short to miss out imo. She might feel the same and is also too shy to tell Bry her feelings for him. We could all be buying new hats in a couple of years - has there been a Soapboard wedding yet? :lol:

Coz i know many people who have done, it and it rarely works, and then you lose your best mate, which leaves you feeling alone and unhappy. and it can course a split in the group of friends that you go around with, as they want to invite one and not the other and then one get's left out. It's not just you two that get hurt IF things go wrong.
Of course it could all go swimmingly, but could you face the upset if it didn't, i suppose that's what you need to ask yourself.

Having said all that, i suppose you should just follow your heart, and what will be will be.
16-07-2008, 20:50
Abbie

What soapboard romances have there been :eek: ? I never knew there was any
16-07-2008, 20:51
Perdita

That is a fair point, Jessie Wallace. The eternal question - will you regret more not asking her than you will and the consequences of her not feeling like you or it going wrong after a while. Still think "Nothing ventured, nothing gained". Good luck, Bryan. x
16-07-2008, 20:54
di marco

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perdita

That is a fair point, Jessie Wallace. The eternal question - will you regret more not asking her than you will and the consequences of her not feeling like you or it going wrong after a while. Still think "Nothing ventured, nothing gained". Good luck, Bryan. x

thats true, i try (mostly) to live by the saying "you regret things you dont do more than the things you do" cos even if it doesnt work out you know you went for it, otherwise youll always be thinking "what if.........."
16-07-2008, 20:54
Jessie Wallace

Indeed, good luck Bryan, keep us posted as to what happens
16-07-2008, 21:34
Abi

Another question to ask yourself - If she does say that she likes you in the same way, then do you see yourselves together? I know it sounds obvious, but i know lots of people who like other people, and then when they get together, they can't properly have a relationship. Guess its something about wanting the person, then when you get them, its not the same. Just something to keep in mind, i guess. Be confident in yourself, and tell her how you feel. At least you being friends will make it a bit easier to be honest with her. Good luck! :)
16-07-2008, 21:46
Perdita

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abi

Another question to ask yourself - If she does say that she likes you in the same way, then do you see yourselves together? I know it sounds obvious, but i know lots of people who like other people, and then when they get together, they can't properly have a relationship. Guess its something about wanting the person, then when you get them, its not the same. Just something to keep in mind, i guess. Be confident in yourself, and tell her how you feel. At least you being friends will make it a bit easier to be honest with her. Good luck! :)

But this is something I don't think you will know until you try it, surely.
16-07-2008, 21:48
Abi

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perdita

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abi

Another question to ask yourself - If she does say that she likes you in the same way, then do you see yourselves together? I know it sounds obvious, but i know lots of people who like other people, and then when they get together, they can't properly have a relationship. Guess its something about wanting the person, then when you get them, its not the same. Just something to keep in mind, i guess. Be confident in yourself, and tell her how you feel. At least you being friends will make it a bit easier to be honest with her. Good luck! :)

But this is something I don't think you will know until you try it, surely.

I guess so. But i guess sometimes you can fancy someone, but not want a relationship with them, and know that before hand.
16-07-2008, 23:00
Debs

I think its a case of if she likes you in the same way you like her and you both want to give it a go then you should! she could turn out to be the love of your life, would you want to have missed out on that, would you regret it if you didnt try! And maybe youll both give it a try and think oh actually this is weird lets just stay great mates, it dosent always have to ruin friendships

Good luck hun xx
17-07-2008, 00:07
Kirsty :]

Me and Abigail were on about this the other night!!

Basically, my situation isn't really one but in this case.. I'm in the same boat as you Bry.
I have this really good friends and we're liek best friends and I feel strongly about him. However, I've always had the "don't want to ruin the friendship thing".

But I say tell her how you feel.
I never told my friend how I felt/feel but I know that a while back we both really liked each other.. jsut never said anything.
So I say tell her... you'll probably regret it otherwise, I did.
She may say that yes, you're better off as friends, but treasure the fact you ahve such a strong bond and was best to not break it and cross the line, and that you at least told her how you feel.

However it could also go amazingly and you may find out she feels exactly the same :)

I think being with a friend works... I have many friends who are together and they seem very strong :)
Good luck and let us know how you get on, you'll be fine :D xx
19-07-2008, 03:41
Chloe O'brien

I wouldn't get involved with a mate but that's me. Two years ago I changed jobs in the college were I work. I found myself sharing an office with 12 men (Heaven I hear you shout) I settled in and had the usual office/sexism banter with some of the guys. At the first Christmas night out I almost snogged one of the guys he was having relationships problems and in Feburary him and his girlfriend split. We contiuned to flirt and have a laugh but I realised that if we did get involved and it went pear shaped I would be hurt as the friendship would be lost. I'm the type of girl who if I fancy a guy I shy away from and have difficulty talking to them ( I know hard to believe eh) I find it easier to flirt with a guy if I don't fancy them.

My advice is Bryan is think long and hard could you cope with seeing this girl everyday if she didn't feel the same way. I'm also a great believer in fate and what is for you won't go past you. Prove me wrong go for it ask her out.
19-07-2008, 19:30
Ruffed_lemur

From 'Fix you' by Coldplay: "If you never try, you never know." Wise words I think...

Good luck Bryan! :)
19-07-2008, 21:01
Trinity

I guess what this is really about is finding out if your friend has the same feelings for you - or the potential of them - without losing the friendship that you now have.

I want to ask another question - is this girl a flat mate or anything? If so then there is a lot to complicate.

I personally wouldn't go with the letter thing, it would be so awkward to meet afterwards especially if she doesn't feel the same way.

I would be more inclined to talk about a movie - say My Best Friends Wedding and ask a general question alone the lines of the one you have asked here, 'Do you think that friends can have a relationship without ruining their friendship'. You don't even need to raise this when you are alone - you could have a discussion with other friends. You should be able to gauge a lot from her answer.

Another thing is light flirting - try it and see how she responds - if she isn't interested then it should be clear, and you can stop without ever saying how you feel.

If you think that she may feel the same way then I would just ask her out on a date - if she says no, then just act as if it was a 'friends' thing.

Keep it light.

BTW - I was friends with my husband before we started going out, and we have been together more than 20 years. It can definitely work.

Good luck!
19-07-2008, 21:23
Bryan

i've been giving this a lot of thought, and i had a chat with one of my mates about this last night (the kind of friend who you are close to, then fall out of touch with, then can have such an in depth talk and it'll be like you've never stopped being good friends) and it made me get a clear perspective on things

i think it's best to keep it how it is, it's worked best that way for three years, and i've never really noticed her feel anymore than friendship towards me, and nor have I to her until recently.

With the way i'm feeling atm, I think anyone that shows me the slightest bit of attention (be it only friendly) will make me feel something for them. I think I'm so tired of being single that I'm trying to find any way to be in a relationship, but just becuase im friends with her doesn't mean we'd be good as a couple (like Abi said). I think I just need to sit back and wait for someone to come along, although I seriously doubt that will ever happen!
19-07-2008, 21:34
di marco

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bryan

i've been giving this a lot of thought, and i had a chat with one of my mates about this last night (the kind of friend who you are close to, then fall out of touch with, then can have such an in depth talk and it'll be like you've never stopped being good friends) and it made me get a clear perspective on things

i think it's best to keep it how it is, it's worked best that way for three years, and i've never really noticed her feel anymore than friendship towards me, and nor have I to her until recently.

With the way i'm feeling atm, I think anyone that shows me the slightest bit of attention (be it only friendly) will make me feel something for them. I think I'm so tired of being single that I'm trying to find any way to be in a relationship, but just becuase im friends with her doesn't mean we'd be good as a couple (like Abi said). I think I just need to sit back and wait for someone to come along, although I seriously doubt that will ever happen!

awwww dont say that, im sure youll find someone soon enough. if you think thats why you feel how you do about her then maybe keeping as friends is the best thing, and just see how you feel about her still in a few months time
19-07-2008, 21:38
Perdita

Cupid usually hits you with his arrow when you least expect it and when you are not looking for it. I think that if you live life normally and go out and socialise, you will find somebody soon, I am sure. Good luck
19-07-2008, 22:17
Trinity

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perdita

Cupid usually hits you with his arrow when you least expect it and when you are not looking for it. I think that if you live life normally and go out and socialise, you will find somebody soon, I am sure. Good luck

And even if it isn't soon you will still have a normal active social life. Enjoy being young and don't worry about things. To be frank not everyone meets their life partner at 18/19, although I know that there are some notable exceptions on soapboards.

If you do like someone - ask them out casually and see how it goes, but don't go out looking for love. Perdy is right on that one.
19-07-2008, 22:42
Abigail

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bryan

I think I just need to sit back and wait for someone to come along, although I seriously doubt that will ever happen!

Go speed dating. Everyone is there for the same reason so you don't need to feel shy about it.
19-07-2008, 23:27
di marco

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abigail

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bryan

I think I just need to sit back and wait for someone to come along, although I seriously doubt that will ever happen!

Go speed dating. Everyone is there for the same reason so you don't need to feel shy about it.

i dont think id ever be able to do that, wouldnt really know what to say!
20-07-2008, 03:25
Kim

It depends on individual cases I think. It can work though; my Dad's cousin is with a friend whom she and her husband were both friends with. Her husband died of cancer 7 years ago, and she's recently got together with this friend.
01-10-2008, 02:00
di marco

Quote:

Originally Posted by di marco

i also have 2 friends who have been going out with each other for about 10months (i know thats not the best example cos its not that long but still) and they seem to be really happy, though theyre the sort of couple where the rest of us knew they would get together at some point.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jessie Wallace

and it can course a split in the group of friends that you go around with, as they want to invite one and not the other and then one get's left out. It's not just you two that get hurt IF things go wrong.

ok i know this is an old(ish) thread but just felt i should say that my 2 friends mentioned above have now split up, which was actually a shock to the rest of us! just goes to show that even if 2 people seem really right for each other they might not be. also going on what dawn said, now my 2 friends have split up its made it really awkward for the rest of us. atm they arent talking to each other and although we all still invite both of them to things, if one of them is going then the other one wont go as they dont wanna be in the same room as each other. one of them didnt even go to our friends 21st bday party cos the other one was gonna be there!
01-10-2008, 16:26
Kirsty :]

Yeahh Di M us too, a few of our friend sare together but have had arguments/split up and it's been made really awkward for us too.

I have a complete new outlook on this subject now.
After a little incident with my best friend at a party like 2 weeks ago.. I personlla yowuldn't go there again. We're not the same now.
He's weird with me and it's sort of ruined the trust and the bond that we had... but that;'s jsut my personal opinion.. everyone does things differently