All purpose soap storyline

[parkerman]

Whatever else you might say about him, you just can't fault Ken's choice in books...

[alan45]

Whatever else you might say about him, you just can't fault Ken's choice in books...

Thought you would appreciate a bit of free publicity. God knows what will happen when he goes off to meet the author

[parkerman]

You wouldn't like to be my agent would you, alan? A bit of product placement in Coronation Street would be just what the doctor - or, in this case, the author - ordered.

[parkerman]

Over in the police station, the Weatherfield police, after their normal exhaustive investigation, found they had nothing to hold John Stape on so they let him go.

Back home, John considered his next move. Was there anyone else who knew his dark secret who had to be eliminated? Could he take a chance that Carla would not find Colin’s body or that Owen hadn’t noticed something fishy when he filled in the cellar? No, he would have to deal with them as well.

That night John went to the pub to see Owen, who he knew would be in there. And sure enough there he was having an argument with both his daughters, while at the same time holding Gary up against the wall by his throat and ogling Liz’s cleavage. The thought occurred to John that he might have let something slip to all these people as well, so that was four more he would need to get rid of.

Just then Carla came in for a drink with Peter Barlow (orange squash of course). “Hmmm,” thought John, “Peter Barlow, maybe Carla’s said something to him and if he knows, there’s Leanne, Simon, Nick, Ken and Deidre to consider. And if Nick’s in on it, what about Gail, David and Audrey? Seems like I’m going to have my work cut out. Of course, there’s also Michelle, who’s friendly with both Carla and Leanne and then there’s..." there were dozens of them he had to eliminate to make sure his secret was safe.

The following night, John went on a rampage, brutally killing everyone who stood in his way. Practically the whole cast of Coronation Street was decimated and there was blood and gore everywhere with bodies piling up in the street.

Just when he thought he’d got rid of everyone, Schmeichel came up to him and sniffed around the bodies. “Get out of here,” shouted John, taking a swipe at the dog with his boot. Fortunately he missed, but Schmeichel ran off yelping.

The following day, the newspapers reported that over 10,000 people had rung up ITV to complain about last night’s episode of Coronation Street. As one complainant put it, “How could the producers show John Stape aiming a kick at a dog? It’s beyond belief that this act of cruelty should be shown on our screens before the watershed.”

[alan45]

You wouldn't like to be my agent would you, alan? A bit of product placement in Coronation Street would be just what the doctor - or, in this case, the author - ordered.

Funny you should mention that

[parkerman]

Brilliant. Thanks, Alan. 10% do you?

[Chloe O'brien]

God I'm so engroused. How will they top this.

[alan45]

There's been a bit of controversy over recent spoilers for Corrie. The news of Marcus' return, plus the ongoing Sophie/Sian drama, and gossip about Claudia's new boyfriend, have lead to some people criticising producer Phil Collinson. There have been suggestions that he is perhaps peddling a "gay agenda". A similar charge was levied at him during his time at Doctor Who, because of that episode where two incidental characters were revealed to be lesbians, not sisters. In a bid to clarify what exactly is going to happen, we've spoken to Phil, and gained this EXCLUSIVE(*) interview(**) on the upcoming storylines.

"First of all," Phil told me, reclining in a leather chair in his hollowed out volcano hideaway, "There's been a lot of fuss about Andrew Hall's character, Marc. There have been rumours that he is a secret transvestite. Actually, this is all a simple misunderstanding. The truth is that Marc has an identical twin sister, and the press have been confused by shots of Andrew Hall dressed as Moira. It turns out that Marc and Moira are caring for their elderly mother - hilariously played by Wendy Craig. We've got The Mill back in to handle the split screen special effects, and I'm sure you'll agree it will be worth the wait. Especially when Nick Tilsley claps his eyes on the gorgeous Moira, and complications ensue!

"Marcus, meanwhile, is returning to the Street to ask Sean a big favour - to be his best man! Yes, Marcus is getting married, and his lovely fiance will be played by supermodel Sophie Dahl. Sean of course is happy to help, but tensions arise when he meets Ms Dahl for the first time. Having already made Marcus renounce his former tendencies, could her red hot heterosexual sex appeal also convert Sean? Things will come to a head when Sean finally gives in to his secret urges and sleeps with the bride-to-be the night before the wedding. Will he still be able to be best man, or will he fight for the woman he loves?"

Phil lights up a cigar, blowing the smoke into a passing kitten's face, and says, "Finally, Sophie and Sian's relationship will reach a climax when Sophie falls from the church roof. In the process she'll bang her head, which, of course, makes her normal again. She realises that the whole lesbian thing was just down to a silly misunderstanding, and immediately sleeps with the entire Weatherfield Rugby Team because she loves being heterosexual so much. Sian is relieved, as she actually met a wonderful man while on holiday with her mum, and immediately flies out to join him. This will lead to hilarious rivalries between Rosie and Sophie, as they battle to be the biggest trollop on the Street!"

"As you can see, all these storylines are highly realistic and will reflect every facet of 21st century Britain. I hate it when people get a hint of a spoiler and misinterpret what's going on. Now if you'll excuse me - I have to go home and sleep with my wife."


I cannot claim credit for this but I thought it would amuse you

[parkerman]

The day of the big wedding has dawned, April 29th. The church is packed to capacity. In the background the organ is playing a tasteful medley of hymns and Frank Sinatra songs while the vicar (who used to be a central figure around Walford but is now reduced to a bit part) is greeting his parishioners at the door as they go in to share the couple’s happy day.

Jack, Ronnie and James/Tommy are first to arrive. As the vicar greets them with a friendly “Welcome”, Ronnie starts screaming and hurling abuse at him. “What do you mean, ‘welcome’? You know something don’t you?” Jack takes her hand, “Ron! Ron! What’s got inta ya?” “I’m sorry, Jack,” replies Ronnie, “but why is the vicar having a go?” Jack leads her into the church.

The next to arrive are Janine and Whitney followed closely by Ricky and his family. “Let’s all sit togevver,” says Ricky. “I don’t think so,” puts in Janine quickly, “Whitney’s not ready to sit near you yet, Ricky, after all you’ve done to her.” Ricky opens and closes his mouth like a goldfish (or pilchard) but can’t think of a suitable reply, so they go to different parts of the church.

Masood, Zainab and Tamwar follow, taking their places at the rear of the church. Then comes Yusef and Afia who sit next to the Masoods. Everyone smiles at each other while Mas mutters to Tamwar under his breath, “Get them out of here or else!” “Or else what, dad?” asks Tamwar. “Or else I won’t be responsible for my actions,” replies Mas. “It seems to me you’re never responsible for your actions,” says Tamwar. With that he takes Afia’s hand and they move to another pew while Yusef snuggles nearer to Zainab.

Denise and Kim rush into the church elbowing each other out of the way in an effort to get seated next to Yusef. Kim wins as Denise tosses her hair back, shrugs her shoulders and goes off to sit with Patrick.

Next in are Roy and Hayley. Everyone stares at them in amazement. “’Ere,” says Kat who has entered quietly (as if!) , who are you two?” Dot looks at them and says, “I know who you two are, you’re Roy and Hayley from that Corporation Street show on the tele. I saw you in your 50th anniversary programme. What are you doing here?” Roy looks a little bemused. “This is Sean and Marcus’s civil partnership ceremony, isn’t it?” “’Fraid not squire,” says Kat, “you’re not only in the wrong church, you’re in the wrong soap. Oh, Alfie, where’s my Alfie?” Roy and Hayley mutter their apologies and leave bumping into Winston as they go.

At last the groom comes in. It’s Phil Mitchell with Ian Beale beside him as his best man (don’t ask!). They take up their position at the front of the church, waiting for Phil’s lovely blushing bride to enter. Suddenly the music strikes up, “Here comes the Bride, da da de da….” She walks slowly and regally down the aisle and takes up her place next to the groom. She has on a long white dress and a veil covering her face. As the vicar comes forward, she throws off her veil….

“Wtf!” exclaims Phil, “You’re bloody Kate Middleton.” “Oh, terribly sorry,” she says, “I must have got the wrong church.”

Meanwhile over at Westminster Abbey, the Queen suddenly realises there’s been a terrible mix up as Shirley Carter is revealed as the new wife of the second in line to the throne of England. “Wtf!” exclaims the other Phil.

However, it is very soon realised that no real harm has been done as no-one saw either ceremony as they were all at a big street party in Ireland, hosted by Alan and Siobhan, with tables stretching all the way from Belfast to Dublin just to cope with the number of people who had escaped from Britain for the day…..

[alan45]

More Crossovers for Corrie and Deadenders

Coronation Street Blog can EXCLUSIVELY reveal the details.


- It's a widely known fact that no British soap opera is allowed to have more than one Asian family at a time. Therefore, what could be more natural than to find out Walford's Masood family are in fact related to Weatherfield's Alahans? There will be a tender reunion later this summer. The detail that the Masoods are Muslim while the Alahans are Hindu will be explained through a heartrending plotline involving the partition of India in 1947 - a family literally torn apart across borders. Zainab and Sunita will bond over the general uselessness of their husbands, while sarcastic, super-intelligent Tamwar will realise just how much he has in common with sarcastic, super-intelligent Amber.

- Ken Barlow has already scattered illegitimate progeny across the North West; it's logical that he may have spread his seed elsewhere. August will bring the revelation that his fling with a young Kathy Hills while at an NUT conference in Bexleyheath resulted in the birth of Ian "Squeal" Beale, chip shop king of Albert Square. The two men spot their genetic bond: they are both pale, tedious men who possess no charm whatsoever, and yet have no problem attracting gorgeous women to be their wives. Ken will suck the end of his glasses and look harried while Ian will try not to get his head pushed down the toilet by Kevin Webster. (Offscreen, Bill Roache has already given Adam Woodyatt advice on how to make one six week job last fifty years).

- All these revelations will need something resembling a Greek chorus, and who better to lead the tutting and disapproval than Dot Cotton/Branning and Norris Cole? They set up a stall in the gardens of Albert Square from where they can pass sanctimonious judgement on all and sundry. Norris, in particular, while take delight in the sexual misadventures of Kat Slater-Moon, a woman who makes Becky look like an emotionally repressed missionary, while Dot will be thoroughly shocked by the length of Kylie Platt's skirts. They will end up falling out in a debate about whether Rita or Pat is the merriest widow.


- Speaking of Pat, she'll fall on hard times due to her house being filled with 3000 relatives, none of whom seem to have jobs, and so she'll have to go back on the game to earn the rent. She finds it difficult attracting punters when only her, ahem, ample charms are on offer, and so she turns to an old hand, Leanne Battersby-Barlow, for assistance. Soon Leanne is flat on her back, earning enough money to keep Peter in rehab sessions. But what will be Tracey's reaction when she finds out her sister in law is a member of the oldest profession? Again?

- Finally, Phil Mitchell realises that the garage on Coronation Street will give him the perfect opportunity to expand his business empire/crime syndicate. He makes Kevin Webster a takeover offer, but he rejects it on a whim just to annoy Tyrone. Phil's response is calm and measured; he clubs Kevin to death with an adjustable spanner and buries him under the cobbles. His plan would be perfect, except he failed to reckon with Sally. She flies into a rage at the death of her maintenance cheques and unleashes her killer tongue on the Cockney mummy's boy, sending him running back down the M1 with his tail between his legs.