Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

[alan45]

An Irish Ghost story



John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.



The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.



John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car
and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel
and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the
road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging
for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out
of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with
terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or
harmed him.



Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so,
gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of
breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible
experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and
wasn't drunk.


Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and
stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking
around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the
other....



Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were
pushing it!!!!'

[Chloe O'brien]

Fecking hell that's classic

[Siobhan]

That is brilliant.. I love it!!!

[moonstorm]

Classic, classic - brilliant!!

[alan45]

Fecking hell that's classic

That is brilliant.. I love it!!!

Classic, classic - brilliant!!

And supposedly true!!!!!

[moonstorm]

I wouldn't doubt that for a moment.

[alan45]

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day,every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched hm pray and after about 45 minutes, as he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir. I'm Rebeca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years," said Morris.
"Sixty years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims," said Morris. "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" asked Ms. Smith.




"Like I'm talking to a f*cking brick wall!"

[alan45]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of knickers.

St Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

MERRY CHRISTMAS

[alan45]

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London . Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking ‘cause if they hear our accents, they might think we’re thicko’s from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on my best English accent.”
“Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business” said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2..00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load ‘em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."

[alan45]

Its 2012 Olympics in London. Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman want to get in but don't have tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate, "Mcleish,Scotland, discus" he says, and walks in. The Englishman puts a scaffolding pole over his shoulder, "Jones, England, pole vault" he says, and walks in. The Irishman picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm, "O'Leary, Ireland, fencing"