All purpose soap storyline

[CrazyLea]

I love this thread You two make me laugh so much ha!

[parkerman]

Meanwhile, Agatha Jo Christie is promoted for no apparent reason and without having to sit either an exam or promotion board to the position of Chief Constable and orders Kiddiecop to stop looking for society, quoting Mrs Thatcher’s famous phrase, “There is no such thing as society”. Kiddiecop begins to cry but is comforted by Jo who tells her she is the greatest detective since Sherlock Holmes and even he was a pigmy compared to her. Meanwhile several of the victims of the helter skelter accident have been rushed to the local casualty department where they lie around on trolleys for days as the staff are far too busy arguing with each other about their love lifes to actually look after the patients. Eventually a mysterious man only known to everyone as Big Charlie makes a speech to everyone full of common sense and they all stop rowing and get on with their jobs. Amazingly, each of the patients is having exactly the same problem as the nurse and/or doctor who is treating them and they come to realise how they can live a better life. All is going well, but then Big Charlie’s son turns up. Cue music and dramatic ending.

[Siobhan]

well that cheered up my monday morning.. you two crack me up

[alan45]

Episode 2 -

Following last weeks revelations the drama moves to Walfield Dale Court.

Meggy Bitchell is in the dock although no-one can see her because she is standing up. The judge a Mr Vodkapole of the Bailey is not impressed as all he can hear coming from the direction of the dock is a squeaky voice ''Woss going on ere. Its a bleeding liberty. Wheres mah boys. ''' A tall balding man storms into the court dressed in army fatigues and abseils down from the ceiling. Its Dross Cant. ''Ere mum climb on my back so you can see whats going on, after all without me on TV you are crap.'' But Im the star of the show she moans. Wheres mah lawyer.

A husky voiced man steps forward wearing nothing but a revolving bow tie and a smaile. Awight Meggy.

Silence in Court yells Vodkapole.

Meggy Bitchell you are charged that on a date whicjh we will work out later that you did give a false alibi to a Mr Jonny Day allowing him to remain at large on the set of Hell Dorado and further more you have committed serious offences against the acting profession. How do you plead.

[Abigail]

Love the bit where Dross Cant abseils in

How is Meggy going to plead?

[parkerman]

Before we hear her reply the scene switches to a remote gloomy farmhouse in Sweden where an unshaven man is shuffling about the house. He looks about 80 years old and keeps bursting in to tears. Slowly his head drops to his chest and he lets out a deep sigh. He sits down on an armchair and bursts in to tears. Suddenly the door opens and a young woman walks in. “Dad,” she says, “what’s the matter?” He looks up and takes about five minutes before replying. “I’ve been asked to help out in the case of Meggy Bitchell over in England.” “What’s so bad about that?”, asks the young woman. But before he can answer the phone rings. The man picks it up. “Inspector Fenceander here”. He listens but says nothing and then puts the phone down. He looks at his daughter and bursts into tears again. “You don’t understand. No-one understands. I once appeared in a film with Meggy Bitchell. She was appalling. I am a great actor and she is nothing. Now they want me to go and co-star with her again. I just can’t do it.”

There is another five minutes of complete silence. Suddenly the door is kicked in and a man with a beetroot where his head should be bursts in. “You come and ‘elp my ma out or else I’ll stick yer head dahn the toilet.” Fenceander bursts into tears again.

Meanwhile back in the hospital, Big Charlie’s son looks at his father and says, witheringly, “Can you lend me a tenner?”

Music….

[alan45]

Not so fast my little red faced friend said a voice from the gloom. It is I Inspector Clueless an officer of the Llew. ontcha know Im a Mitchell Bruvva and I have the police and the courts in my back pocket. You cannot touch me or my dogging mates.

Neither me nor Fenceender will help out your pygmy mother says Clueless. I have seen all of her films and they really are appalling. Britains National Treasure my derriere.

Meanwhile back at the court the public galleries are packed with all the Analogue Spy Deadenders Fan Club complaining about the biased courts and how that ITV have rigged the jury so that Ma Mitchell will get convicted.

Underneath the wreckage of the Helter Skelter tts about seducing himevn though she knows it will make hers twinn Lesbian sister very jealous.he body of one of EEs best loved characters Reg the War Hero is discovered. Shannis Blackjacket decides that as he was such a central character in the life of the Square that they should hold a proper East End Funeral for him. They send for Bernie Scripps. He arrives, his usual smiling self accompanied by his faithful lapdog David.

Roxanne Bitchell discovers that David is in fact yet another missing link in the Mitchell fairmily tree and and sets about seducing him even though it will make her lesbian lover jealous. On her way up to her love nest she trips and falls down the stairs striking her head on a concret model of Roly which was being used as a door stop.

Did she fall or was she pushed.

Due to the number of serious happenings in The King Albert Commisioner Beth Green decides to enlist the help of her ace team of Charley Farley and Piggy Malone.

[parkerman]

On their arrival in the Square, Inspector Barnabus aka John Thistles and his sidekick Sergeant John Benz take one look round and decide they’d be better off back in Midwinter where the body count is far lower than in Victoria Square. Making their apologies to Home Secretary Beth Green they get the first black cab out of there and back to their own little haven of peace and tranquillity. Beth Green begins to cry. Fenceander, who has by now arrived in England, sees her and bursts in to tears as well.
Meanwhile oblivious to all the sadness taking place down south, Gale Force Splatt is preparing for her 23rd wedding up in Manchester. “Just because my first 22 husbands have died in mysterious circumstances,” she explains to her mother, Nicky Clarke, “doesn’t mean I won’t be happy with this one.” Her son suddenly appears at the door brandishing his pitchfork and pulling his cap down over his horny ears. “We’ll see, mother, we’ll see,” he says before emitting a high pitched laugh and running out in to the street making sure his tail remains tucked in to his trousers.
Back in court there is uproar as a fight breaks out between a man known only as Big Al and the leader of the Analogue Spy Deadenders Fan Club. Uniformed police are called to break up the fight but there are none to be seen anywhere as they have all been replaced by CID officers.
At the hospital Big Charlie shakes his head and says, “Son, you can do better than this.”

[Abigail]

Back in court there is uproar as a fight breaks out between a man known only as Big Al and the leader of the Analogue Spy Deadenders Fan Club;

I like it.

[alan45]

During the melee a chimp like creature appears in the Court disgused as a policeman of ice. It is no-one othe than Gabriel K*nt the ace schizo policeman played by the inimitable Todd Crappy. He skates over to Big Al with the intention of punishing him for all the nasty things he said about him of Analogue Spy. Sensing the confusion Meggy Bitchell runs from the Court and gets run over by a passing Ambulance which was on its way to Holby Hospital. Luckily the ambulance isnt damaged and they take Meggy With them. On arrival at the hospital Meggy who is dressed in a rather fetching red sequined bra and pantie set is examined by the lovely Dr Groper played by William Kenny. Madam he says you are suffereing from a severe case of Upyourownarseiness as well as a dose of Double Entendre. It leads you to have delusions of greatness and acting way beyond your capabilities.

Meanwhile back in sunny Weatherfield as Nicky Clarke chokes back another tear Galeforce walks up the aisle of the church arm in arm with serial philanderer Kev 'Monkey Wrench' WebStar. Kev always knew how to service Gale Force and get the best ride from her suspension. Bishop Ashley Laurel welcomes everyone to the service and asks them to say a few prayers for Devil Boy David.

Our opening hymn today is number 666. There was a piercing scream from the congregation as the crypt door opened and out stepped not one not two but three of Gale Force's ex hubbies. Brian Tildeathus-dupart, Richard Hillman Minx and Sailor Joe.