Depression

[Abigail]

It's been going on for about six years, on and off. This is the first time I've been to the doctor about it, although I did speak to my gp from home on the phone last year who said it was stress. When I'm stressed I usually shout and throw things. This is a quiet and lingering feeling.

I've just reached the point where I've had enough of feeling like this, not being able to sleep, being in pain etc. I didn't even say much to the doctor, I said I was feeling sad and he said he could see it in my eyes.

Given my score on the PHQ 9 form, I should be having counselling as well but I refused it. I find it oppressive and the doctor agreed about the student counselling service. He said he can refer me elsewhere for other things if need be but I'll keep it as a very last resort.

When I finally get my room tidied (took me an hour to make the bed), I will have something to eat.

[Tori]

Ah, good old doctors and stress.

My doctor did everything the other way around: referrals galore and then I moved to uni and they were shocked that I hadn't been on medication. I really hope that they work for you. My uni medical centre had a specialist mental health worker, as well as the counselling service, but I guess that because yours is so far away that may not be offered.

There are other things available apart from counselling, but I guess in a way similar, for example psychological therapies, cbt, etc but I guess it comes down to personal preference. I hate my uni counselling service, but I found somewhere else, which was nicer... as well as being bundled around the NHS!

Good luck!

[Abigail]

We have a mental wellbeing person who shares her time between the university and the hospital. Apparently she's really good. I had counselling when I was 16 and I hated it. I'm very masculine in that sense, I only ever talk about something if it is a huge problem.

I'm aware of other therapies and hoping this medication works.

[freckleface]

I dont mind talking to people, but as long as I dont know them.

I clam up infront of my friends, i suppose because I dont know them and also i feel like theyll judge me.

But online forums and such like this work well because I feel better not having to confront anyone personally.

[Abigail]

I dont mind talking to people, but as long as I dont know them.

Have you thought about phoning or emailing the Samaritans? They're open 24hrs a day and it's all confidential.

They have 202 branches that you can go in to as well. I didn't realise that there's a branch down my street until I looked on the website.

[freckleface]

I talked once to my old english teacher.
she was really nice and used to volunteer at samaritans.

but she left 2 years ago and i havent had the courage to speak to any one.

I cant even talk to my mum because she is threatening to make me go to the doctor because i'm not eating.
this would just be another excuse for her to take me to the doctors and them force me to eat.

*sigh*

[Trinity]

I talked once to my old english teacher.
she was really nice and used to volunteer at samaritans.

but she left 2 years ago and i havent had the courage to speak to any one.

I cant even talk to my mum because she is threatening to make me go to the doctor because i'm not eating.
this would just be another excuse for her to take me to the doctors and them force me to eat.

*sigh*

Your mum is worried about your health, and she has reason.

I can't make you go to the doctor, but if I was your mum I would want to, too. But, I would want you to want help, too. It is important to see your mum as someone who loves and cares about you - she probably doesn't have a clue about what you are going through but really wants to help you and feels helpless herself.

You need to speak with someone you trust to try to help you feel better about yourself. Perhaps you could find another doctor and go without your mum?

I will tell you something that very few people know. I was bulimic from the ages of probably 17 - 22, it probably started when I was going through school exams, and continued the whole time I was at university and through my first job.

I was very slim and tall, and very concerned about my appearance - I never left the house without full make-up and I used to dress up to the nines when I went out with my friends. Most of my friends were quite a bit shorter than me, and I felt that I should be the same weight and same size as them - which is ridiculous really - I was nine inches taller than one of them.

I hid it totally from my mother, and to this day (I am 45) I have no idea if she knew or not.

I used to stuff my face and then make myself sick, that or I would be on the cambridge diet when I was already well below the ideal weight for my height.

When I see photos of myself from that time I hardly recognise myself, I was very glamorous and fake - I looked good and felt awful. I was always being stopped in Glasgow and London and asked if I wanted to be a model, I didn't but I felt that I looked so awful without the props I couldn't go out.

I was very unhappy, very insecure and very needy of reassurance.

When I was 22 I moved away from home, changed jobs and basically changed a lot. I met my husband for some reason I felt able to be myself with him, to doss about in jeans and not wear make up all the time and just get dressed up for a reason. I put on a bit of weight, I stopped making myself sick (partly because I felt ashamed and didn't want him to know) and I felt much happier.

This probably isn't what you want to hear but bulimia is not about being thin, it is about being unhappy and trying to find something about yourself that you can control.

I don't know what it is that you need to talk about, but you need to talk, and you need to find out what what the problem so you can work it out, move forward healthily.

Speak to your mum

xx

(BTW - purging is very, very bad for your teeth. You might not notice till later, but it is).

[Tori]

I'm with Trinity on this, unfortunately probably not what you want to hear but as someone who currently is trying to get out of this rut, it can really mess with you. Getting help, accepting there is a problem can be really difficult... There is a big link between food and mood, so the not eating may be causing you to feel depressed. I think Trinity can put it better than I can in terms of explaining it all, but don't be scared of getting help, every doctor I've seen has been nice

[freckleface]

Thanks guys, this is making me feel better.
I am really funny about purging as I dont want to ruin my teeth.
Ive never been a purger, and tbh i am glad i dont.

feeling better today as i had skating, i always feel better when i'm on the ice, it makes me feel free. I always feel like no-oen can touch me and i just love the experience.

Only down side is that i fell today badly and ive got a ice burn on my hand and ive bruised my ribs making it hard for me to move.

In quite a bit of pain and am on painkillers to numb it but that isnt helping with my mood.
Got coursework due in on friday and am really stressed about it but im trying to keep calm and not worry.

just taking everything one step at a time.

Also felt better last night, watching children in need, as it ade me realise that there are people out there who are worse off than me.

[Abigail]

I saw the doctor again yesterday (feel like I spend my life there at the moment) and she sent me for a thyroid function blood test. I've had loads of TFTs before but not linked to depression. The last TFT I had was in April (I have a full screen for everything about once a year) and it was normal.

I found out a few days ago that one of my friend's is a psychiatrist (how I didn't know before I don't quite understand) so I'm asking him what the link is.

Really not liking taking the citalopram, it's making me feel awful. Can't change for another two weeks as it can take at least six weeks to start working.


EDIT: Just spoken to my psych friend and he says that thyroid and depression can either be linked, entirely separate or thyroid malfunction can be a result from lithium treatment for depression. They can exist at the same time but not have a cause/effect on each other. Thyroid testing is routine.