Jokes

[Siobhan]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: -
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: -
1. Specificity
2. Australian Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[Perdita]

Very true

[Perdita]

Bit of a rude joke

Spoiler:

"A passenger plane has just landed at Glasgow airport and after coming to a halt, the Pilot gives his usual speech, but forgets to switch off the intercom.

The Co-pilot asks the Pilot what he has got planned for the rest of the evening, and the Pilot replies, "First, I am going for a ****e and then I am gonna bang the **** off that new wee stewardess", unaware every passenger has just heard him !!

The wee stewardess is mortified and starts to run up to the cockpit to confront him, but trips and falls right before the cockpit door.

A wee Glasgow wummin helps her up and says to her.......






"Take yer time Hen, he`s goin fur a ****e first”

[Abigail]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: -
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: -
1. Specificity
2. Australian Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

I have trouble with that when I'm sober

I'd say that's a pretty accurate list that could be expanded upon. They all ring some very familiar and embaressing bells for me

[Perdita]

Never Lie to a Woman

A man called home to his wife and said, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends .

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...
















The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ...!!!!"

Never Lie To A Woman...!!!

[Perdita]

Your Hair Smells Nice!

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee
machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: ’What’s sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?’

The woman replies, ‘Its Keith, THE MIDGET!’

[lizann]

What do you call an afghan virgin?
mever bin laid on

Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
because its finger licking good

[Perdita]

A man wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept saying that they could not afford one, but he bought one anyway.

"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted.

When the man went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."

[Perdita]

Spoiler:

An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.


The Amish Farmer shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have **** in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!"

The Amish Farmer shouts back in English:

"Use two hands, you'll get more!"

[Perdita]

Oh To Be 12 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.