Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

[Perdita]

Very funny, had me laughing out loud

[Abigail]

That's hilarious.

[Chloe O'brien]

Aw Alan that's gross.

[alan45]

UPSET WIFE !!

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset! 'You are a
disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me-a faithful
wife, the mother of your children? I'm leaving you I want a divorce
straight away!'

And he replied: 'Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you
what happened' 'Fine, go ahead', she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last
words you'll say to me!' And he began: 'Well, I was getting into the car
to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked
so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into
the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very
dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my
compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for
you last night, the one you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll
put on weight.

The poor thing devoured it in moments. Since she needed a good
clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her
clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she
needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a
few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also
gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you
don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my
sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and
I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive boutique and
don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them..'

He took a quick breath and continued: 'She was so grateful for my
understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me
with tears in her eyes and said 'Please........do you have anything else
that your wife doesn't use?'

[Chloe O'brien]

Now I like that one. Brilliant Alan

[alan45]

The three Dolls in a man's life.......


1........His Daughter, 'Baby doll'




2........His Mistress, 'Barbie Doll'




3.........His Wife, 'Panadol'

[alan45]

Mishap on BA Transatlantic Flight

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:


'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ... OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled, 'by Jaysus you should see the back of mine!'

[Abbie]

[di marco]

Mishap on BA Transatlantic Flight

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:


'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ... OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled, 'by Jaysus you should see the back of mine!'

lol that made me laugh! thanks for posting all these jokes alan

[alan45]

A man boarded an aircraft at London and took his seat; as he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded.. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be d iscussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said.... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy