Jokes

[moonstorm]

Absolutely LOVED the last one

[Siobhan]

A blond joke I actually like

Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy", then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the world are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out t. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "....and where do you think you're going?!"

(You're gonna love this…!)


She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."

[Perdita]

A blond joke I actually like

Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy", then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the world are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out t. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "....and where do you think you're going?!"

(You're gonna love this…!)


She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."

[Siobhan]

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet
parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and
requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to
leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The
cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife
doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going
upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I
said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I
grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep
her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and
threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

[Perdita]

I hope this is not a true story as no animal should be left outside on New Year's Eve, they get scared of the fireworks and might even get harmed. Otherwise very funny story

[Siobhan]

another one and quiet surprising if true

When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there
is a statement:


'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,

'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

[Perdita]

another one and quiet surprising if true

When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there
is a statement:


'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,

'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

This is true? I repeat the last sentence even though I have not had a bad day and I certainly do not work for J&J.

[Perdita]

Two women went out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.

They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties," so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties."

The other one responded "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her a*se that read "We will never forget you".

[StarsOfCCTV]

Good one Perdita

Bit of a rude one:
A chicken and an egg were laying in bed after doing you know what. With a very satisfied look on it's face the egg said to the chicken 'well I guess that answers the long asked question'.....

[Perdita]

Good one Perdita

Bit of a rude one:
A chicken and an egg were laying in bed after doing you know what. With a very satisfied look on it's face the egg said to the chicken 'well I guess that answers the long asked question'.....

Love it!