Jokes

[Londoner]

A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

[Londoner]

A man walks into a bar, orders the bartender for two beers. He continues this for several nights and the bartender got a bit curious. The bartender walks up to him and asks "Sir, why do you always ask for two drinks?" the man replies, "I used to come here with my best friend but now he's dead. And I'm drinking the second beer on his behalf." A few days later, the man orders only for 1 beer. Curious, the bartender asks him," why only 1 beer now sir?" man replies, "I have given up drinking!"

[Londoner]

Two guys in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. One guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps". The other guy takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping. The guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. The loser says "Well I saw it too but I didn't think he would jump again"

[Londoner]

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pi**ed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!" Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

[laurouski]

Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have. Jim and Edna were both
patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the
hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank
to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to
save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she
said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are
being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis
by jumping in and saving the life of another that you have a sound mind.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?"

__________________________________________________ ___

(This one is a bit rude)

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[samantha nixon]

lol there funny, I love the 2nd one

[pinkles14]

lol the second one was funny

[Chloe O'brien]

A visitor to a mental insitution asked the director how he decides, which patients should be kept in. The director said "We fill up a bath, then we offer the patient a teaspoon, a tea cup or a bucket" and ask them to empty the bathtub. The visitor said " Oh I see, a normal person would choose the bucket because it's the biggest" The director replied "No a normal person would pull the f**king plug out" Would you like a bed near the window.

[Pinkbanana]

A visitor to a mental insitution asked the director how he decides, which patients should be kept in. The director said "We fill up a bath, then we offer the patient a teaspoon, a tea cup or a bucket" and ask them to empty the bathtub. The visitor said " Oh I see, a normal person would choose the bucket because it's the biggest" The director replied "No a normal person would pull the f**king plug out" Would you like a bed near the window.

Oh thats a good one!!!

[pookie1968uk]

my dauhter told me this joke today......

Why do only 10% of men go to heaven?
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because if all of them went it would be hell!!!