my favourites :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: especially the first one, gonna be my new motto "NO PAIN.. GOOD"Quote:
Originally Posted by Perdita
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my favourites :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: especially the first one, gonna be my new motto "NO PAIN.. GOOD"Quote:
Originally Posted by Perdita
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. . .
She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said; 'Fluctuations.'
To which the Asian lady says,
'An fluc you white people too!''
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an ' exotic ' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says:
' SEX FROGS '
Only $20 each!
Comes with ' complete ' instructions.
The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody ' s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, ' I ' ll TAKE one! '
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, ' Just follow the instructions! '
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3.. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, ' If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store. '
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, ' I ' ll be right over. '
Within minutes the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, ' See, I ' ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there! '
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says,
'LISTEN TO ME!
I ' m only going to show you how to do this
ONE .... MORE .. TIME!!! '
I am not eating in there :nono: :lol:
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's how the fight started.....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started.....
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap "That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked went out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that's how the fight started.....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for £14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for £7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's how the fight started.....
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect..'
And that's how the fight started.....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend..
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's how the fight started.....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started....
For a minute I was thinking you were talking about your own relationship :rotfl:
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I
notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part.... :
'Only when he's pissed.'
Childish joke heard it at work. You're gonna laugh.
What do the donkey's at Blackpool get for their dinner?
An Hour. :rotfl:
:lol: Yep, made me laugh :D
:lol: me too. here's mine. it don't make sense but i laughed for 10 mins straight after hearing it;
Why did the boy fall off his bike??
because someone threw a fridge at him!!
:lol:
:D
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: -
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: -
1. Specificity
2. Australian Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
:D Very true
Bit of a rude joke
Spoiler:
I have trouble with that when I'm sober :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Siobhan
I'd say that's a pretty accurate list that could be expanded upon. They all ring some very familiar and embaressing bells for me :eek: :ninja:
Never Lie to a Woman
A man called home to his wife and said, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends .
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ...!!!!"
Never Lie To A Woman...!!!
Your Hair Smells Nice!
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee
machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: ’What’s sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?’
The woman replies, ‘Its Keith, THE MIDGET!’
What do you call an afghan virgin?
mever bin laid on
Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
because its finger licking good
A man wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept saying that they could not afford one, but he bought one anyway.
"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted.
When the man went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
Spoiler:
Oh To Be 12 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home
.
When an old Grandpa walked by
."
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are
The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said,
"You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...
"We were at your birthday party yesterday!!"
A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and
Proclaims, .. 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,
'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and
also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his
children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher
stays, .... I will give him sex!'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side,
while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help,
and he said,......'Screw him!'
The Age Gap
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
The Sneeze
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before" he said.
"Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded,
"Pepper."
Spoiler:
Perdy a place in hell has just be reserved for you alongside Alan and myself :lol:
:D :D :D Looking forward to it :lol:
Great jokes, Perdita :D
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........
You got nice house'
When George first noticed that his ding a ling
was growing larger and staying
up longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks,
it had grown to nearly twenty inches.
George became quite concerned.
He was having problems dressing,
and even walking. So he and
his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial
examination, the doctor explained to the couple
that, though rare, George's condition could be fixed
through corrective surgery.
'How long will George be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.
'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?
responded the surprised doctor
'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you ARE going to lengthen
his legs AREN'T you?
:rotfl: :rotfl:
What's the difference between the Iceland volcano and Cheryl Cole?
The volcano is still blowing ash.
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above NewJersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, BillGates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began tofill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night. Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, dude. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
From my very un-pc lot at work:-
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699,depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.....
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says; "Can you please come over and help me! I have bought a huge jig-saw puzzle and I don't understand what to do". Her boyfriend asks; "What is the final result going to look like?"
The blonde says; "According to the picture on the box, it is going to be a rooster".
The boyfriend decides to go over to her place and help her out. She opens the door and shows him all the puzzle bits on the table. He looks at the puzzle parts for a short moment, then looks at the box. Then he says; "It doesn't matter what we do, we will never manage to place these bits together so that they will look like a rooster".
He takes her hand and says; "Let us get a cup of coffee and then....
He sighs.... "And then we will put the Corn Flakes' back into the box".
Breaking news… a man has been rushed to hospital when a sex game went horribly wrong leaving him with six toy horses stuck up his ****… Doctors have described his condition as stable !
and The Prodigy have just released a new track guaranteed to reach the Catholic Top 10… “Smack my Bishop”
Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly said `My wife is so dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain`t even got electricity!` The second hillbilly said `My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain`t even got runnin water!` The third hillbilly said `My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin there... and she ain`t even got a penis !!!
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. `What the hell are you supposed to be?` asked the host. `A premature ejaculation,` said the man. `I just came in my pants!`
This poor bloke went to hospital for a circumcision but, because of some stuff up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor bloke went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. `S**t` he moaned. `this means I`ll never be able to experience an erection ever again!` `Of course you will,` one of the doctors soothed. It`ll just have to be someone else`s, that`s all.`
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. `Don`t worry,` he assures her, `my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there`s no risk.` As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, `We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!` `No problem,` he replies, `I`ll get my wife`s diaphragm.` After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. `That witch!` he exclaims. `She took it with her! I always knew she didn`t trust me!`
A wife says to her friend, `Our sex life stinks.` Her friend says, `Do you ever watch your husband`s face when you`re having sex?` She says, `Once, and I saw rage.` Her friend says, `Why would he be angry during sex?` The wife says, `Because he was looking through the window at us.`
:lol: That made me laugh out loud.