Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special'

Cabbie: 'There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'

Passenger. 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake'

Passenger. 'Mmm, there's not many like him around.'

Cabbie: 'And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank.'

Passenger: 'Then how do you know so much about him?'

Cabbie: 'I married his ********** widow!

This guy goes to a grocery store and asks the clerk behind the counter for two cans of dog food.

"Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk.

"Yes I do!" replied the puzzled customer.

"I'm sorry sir" said the clerk "but you're going to have prove to me that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food."

Back home went the frustrated customer to get his dog and pulled it on its leash all the way back to the store.

"Here's my dog!" wheezed the tired customer.

"Thank you sir, here is your two cans of dog food."

Two days later the guy returns to the same store and goes up to the same clerk and says:

"Two cans of cat food please."

"Do you have a cat sir?"

"Of course I do!" said the exasperated customer.

"I'm sorry sir but I have to see your cat before I can sell you cat food."

The guy storms out of the store, goes home, grabs his cat, drags it back to the store and holds up the cat by it's tail for the clerk to see.

"Thank you sir here is your two cans of cat food."

The very next day. The guy returns to the store, approaches the clerk and places on the counter a white shoebox with a small hole on the cover.

"Yes sir", asked the clerk, "what can I do for you?"

"Put your finger in the hole" ordered the customer.

"I beg your pardon?" said the clerk.

"Do as I say!" ordered the guy.

Cautiously the clerk slid his finger all the way in the hole.

"Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!" said the guy

"It looks like S _ _ T!" said the disgusted clerk; to which the customer calmly replied

"THAT'S RIGHT!!, Now give me two rolls of toilet paper!"

Have you got any short funny ones that I can txt to peeps, Al??? :)

Two blondes trekked deep into the frozen forest in search of the perfect Christmas tree but after hours of braving blustery winds and freezing temperatures, one blonde was ready to give up.


She said, "I don't know about you, Suzi, but I'm going to chop down the next tree I see ... whether it's decorated or not!"

Four children and their mothers are in the head teachers ofice of a posh school for an interview hoping to be accepted into the schoold for the new term.

The head teacher says that he has many years experience and that he can tell a lot about a child and its family by the name it has been given.

Turning to the first one he said ''You are called Penny, thats because your mother is obsessed about money''

To the second one he said '' You are called Candy because your mother is fond of sweets''

Turning to the third one he said ''And to further prove my theory you are called Brandy because your mother is fond of Drink.

As he turned the the fourth one The mother stood up grabbed the child and said ''Come on Dick we are not staying here'':rotfl:

Johnny want to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else.


One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you £100 if you let me ******** you."


But the girl said, "NO".


Johnny said, "Ill be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."


She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.


Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."


So she agrees and accepts the proposal.


Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.


Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened?


She wailed, "The b*****d used coins!"



Business Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a*** and go as a toffee apple.

COFFEE OR IRISH COFFEE ???????





"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an
aspirin!"
"Not to fret,"replied the doctor. "Give him an
Irish Viagra."
"What's an Irish Viagra, Doctor?"
"That's where you just drop the Viagra into his
morning coffee. He won't even taste it," replied the
doctor. "Give it a try and call me in a week
to let me know how things went."

Not even a week had gone by before she called the
doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress of
the experiment.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah! T'was horrid, just too terrible, doc!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised. I slipped the Viagra
into his morning coffee and it took effect almost
immediately. He jumped hisself straight up, with a
twinkle! in his eye and with his pants a-bulging
proudly! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the
cups and tablecloth a flying, ripped me clothes to
tatters and took me then and there, making wild,
mad, passionate love to me right on the tabletop!
T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean to
say the sex your husband gave you wasn't any good?"
"Oh no,no, no Doctor, the sex was fine indeed!
T'was the best sex I've had in twenty-five years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here before you, I'll never
be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by alan45

1. Sex Drive



A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."


"Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"


"You're damned right is! said the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"



2. The Nurse



A nurse walks into a bank preparing to sign a cheque. When she gets to the counter, she reaches in her pocket, pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.


She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake she says, "Well that's great ... just great ... Some asshole's got my pen."

---

I am only just able to access this thread, hence my late comment. :rotfl:

Four people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.


It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.


The old lady thinks, "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him".


The pretty young blonde thinks, "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him".


The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."


The Englishman thinks, "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twit again."

1. The Errand



McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini. Each time he would carefully remove the olive and put it in a jar.


When the jar was filled with olives and the martinis had been drunk, McQuillan got up to leave.


"S'cuse me, said a customer, who was puzzled by what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"


"Nothin'," said McQuillan. "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"



2. Watching The Brothel



Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.


They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."


A bit later, they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."


Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be dying'."

Cinderella, The Later Years



Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair watching the world go by from her front porch, with an old cat named Bob for companionship.


One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, her fairy godmother appeared.


"Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" asked Cinderella.


"Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I law saw you," replied the Fairy Godmother. "Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"


Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and, after some thoughtful consideration, she said, "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand-to-mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond my comprehension."


Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold, and so did all the furniture inside her home.


"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!".


"It is the least I can do. What do you want for your second wish?", asked the Fairy Godmother.


Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said, "I wish I were young and ful of the beauty and youth I once had."


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.


"You have one more wish," said the Fairy Godmother, "what will it be?"


Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."


Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological makeup that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the like of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.


"Congratulations, Cinderella," said the Fairy Godmother, "enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.


For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing into the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.


The Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rockingchair. He wrapped her in his young, muscular arms and her close. Leaning in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, Bob whispered ... "Bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered."

Looking for Work A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so
advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another,
and have him looking for work in six weeks. '

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that
we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and
have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind.
We took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House
and now half the country is looking for work.

this was posted by an American :D

Compassion



A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the Intensive Care Unit. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice, complimentary, from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then, she remembered her husband.


Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! "For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"


The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed ...


The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?"

I've heard that one before :lol:

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog. One day the dog died and Muldoon went to his parish priest and asked Father "could ya be saying a mass for the lil' creature?" Father Patrick replied "I am afraid not, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are Presbyterians down the lane and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they will do something for the creature."
Muldoon said "I will go right away, Father. Do you think 5,000 euro is enough to donate to them for the service"
Father Patrick exclaimed "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didnt't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.


A young family moved into a house next door to a building site.


One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty site. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.


She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them rough diamonds more or less -- adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.


At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing five pound coins. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.


When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.


The little girl proudly replied: "I worked all last week with a construction crew building a house."


"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"


The little girl replied ... "I will if those useless c*nts at B&Q ever bring us the f *cking plasterboard."

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast
pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you
twenty quid for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad
time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!
My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words,
Larry says "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin.
Itsh snot wha jew think.
I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on
me...he had one too many! and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor.
He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie quid for the
Cleaning bill!
"His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty
quid.
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too

that is brilliant alan :lol::lol:

Very funny, had me laughing out loud :rotfl:

:rotfl: That's hilarious.

Aw Alan that's gross.:lol:

UPSET WIFE !!

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset! 'You are a
disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me-a faithful
wife, the mother of your children? I'm leaving you I want a divorce
straight away!'

And he replied: 'Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you
what happened' 'Fine, go ahead', she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last
words you'll say to me!' And he began: 'Well, I was getting into the car
to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked
so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into
the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very
dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my
compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for
you last night, the one you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll
put on weight.

The poor thing devoured it in moments. Since she needed a good
clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her
clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she
needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a
few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also
gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you
don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my
sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and
I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive boutique and
don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them..'

He took a quick breath and continued: 'She was so grateful for my
understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me
with tears in her eyes and said 'Please........do you have anything else
that your wife doesn't use?'

:lol:Now I like that one. Brilliant Alan

The three Dolls in a man's life.......


1........His Daughter, 'Baby doll'




2........His Mistress, 'Barbie Doll'




3.........His Wife, 'Panadol'

Mishap on BA Transatlantic Flight

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:


'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ... OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled, 'by Jaysus you should see the back of mine!'

:rotfl: :rotfl:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by alan45

Mishap on BA Transatlantic Flight

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:


'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ... OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled, 'by Jaysus you should see the back of mine!'

---

lol that made me laugh! :D thanks for posting all these jokes alan :)

A man boarded an aircraft at London and took his seat; as he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded.. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be d iscussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said.... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy:rotfl:

:rotfl: Good one!

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'




The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'




'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'




Yep! I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird .'




'Oh yeah?' the man asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'




'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'




'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'




'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'




The man looks at the £200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'




'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!'




The man offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.




Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.




One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.'




'What are you talking about?' asks the man.




'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'




'WHAT???' the guy says incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'




'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.




'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'




'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'




Then the frantic man screams, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'




'Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!

:lol:! I was wondering where that was gonna go!

haha! i really didnt see that coming at all!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honour of this holy season," said St. Peter, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," said St. Peter.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
St. Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
"These are Carols," the man replied.

Awww I remember that joke :lol:

An Australian golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into
The woods.

Looking for his ball, he discovered a little Leprechaun
Flat on his back, with a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart
And poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the
Golfer said.



"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get
Three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answered in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise." And he walked away.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun said to himself. "I have to do something for him.I'll give him the three things I would want... A great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."



A year went by, and the golfer came back. On the
Same hole, he again hit a bad drive into the woods

And the Leprechaun was there waiting for him.

"T'was me that made ye hit the ball here" , the little guy said. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer replied. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He then added, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"



Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer answered. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's your sex life?"

The golfer blushed, and turned his head away in
Embarrassment, and said shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looked around then
Whispered, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?" responded the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," said the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

:lol: Nice one, Alan. :D

lol thats good! :D

On a Train
>
> A man and a woman who had never met before, but were
> both married to other people, found themselves assigned
> to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
>
> Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing
> a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.
> He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
>
> At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the
> woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would
> you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a
> second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
>
> "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight,
> let's pretend that we're married."
>
> "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
>
> "Good," she replied. "Get your own *******ing blanket."
>
> After a moment of silence, he farted.