Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

Ever mindful of the congregation, the Baptist preacher and his wife
>>decided
>>to get a new dog, and knew that the dog also had to be a Baptist.
They
>>visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they
>>found
>>a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.
The
>>owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.
>>
>>"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf,
>>scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the
owner.
>>
>>"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded.
>>
>>The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous
dexterity
>>with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage,
pointed
>>to
>>it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and
>>purchased the dog.
>>
>>That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and
>>his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible
>>verses. The visitors were very impressed.
>>
>>One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"
>>
>>"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at
the
>>dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded.
>>
>>The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's
>>forehead and began to howl.
>>
>>The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Oh, my good Lord!
He's
>>Pentecostal! !!"

PMSL Jodi I think I will share that one with my minister

Sleeping beauty

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one
day.Sleeping
Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the
world."Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the
world."Quasimodo
said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."So
they
all
decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
claims
verified.Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking
deliriously
happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the
world."Tom
Thumb
went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest
person
in
the world."Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly
confused
and
says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?

A married couple was lying in bed together.


Suddenly she felt his hand on her shoulder.


She murmured gently, "Ahh... nice."


His hand moved to her breast.


She grew more excited, "Sweetie, that's wonderful."


His hand moved to her leg.


She moaned, "Honey, don't stop!"


But then he stopped.


"Why did you stop?"


He responded with a click, "Because I found the remote!"

Darwin Awards



As always, competition this year has been keen.

The candidates this year are...

Eighth Place :
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place :
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place:
Buxton , NC : A man died on a beach when an 8-foo t-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been
sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge , VA , but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place:
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc , CA , as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place:
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville , Del , as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place:
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington , DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His t arget was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To ent er the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also drew and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No o ne else was hurt in the exchange of fire.

HONORABLE MENTION:
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite
and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:
TACOMA , WA . Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham 's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER:
Overzealous zoo keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffoc ated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that just proves..."**** happens" !!!

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades
while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator
shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices
the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out
and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"
he shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't
you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an
alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the
same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in
hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator
swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim,
shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto
its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,
"Oh poo poo THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

Ole the Norwegian Cowboy



Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was Lost and low on food, .No other humans had been seen for days and then the pioneers saw an old Norwegian, named Ole, sitting beneath a tree.

"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell, I tink so," Ole said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere"

The leader goes back and tells his people what Ole had said.

"So why did he say not to go there?", a person asked.

Anther pioneer said, "Oh, you know those Norwegian people - they lie just for a joke."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to Ole.

Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."

Ole holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute. "

He quickly picks up an English-Norwegian dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oof-da, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree,

(Are you ready?)


(Okay, don't say I didn't warn you)



"It vuz a ham bush."

The seven dwarfs were on hoilday in Rome and decided to visit the vatican city to see the pope. At there meeting with the Pope all the dwarfs gathered round Dopey saying "ask him dopey ask him" Dopey asked the pope

"excuse me father are there nuns in antartica" The pope answered yes my son I believe that there may be nuns in Antartica. Again the dwarfs gathered round dopey saying " ask him dopey ask him" again dopey approached the pope.

"excuse me father but is there black nuns in antartica" The pope answered yes my son I do belive that there could be black nuns in antartica. Once again the dwarfs gathered round dopey whispering " ask him dopey, ask him"

Dopey aproached the pope once more " excuse me father can you tell me if there are midget black nuns in Antartica" The pope answered no my son there is no black midget nuns in Antartica.

Dopey turned around to look at the remaining six dwarfs who were singing "Dopey S**G a pengiun, Dopey S**G a penguin.

I am going to hijack Alan's thread too.. Love this joke

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back,
went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...

And before he could say "****," the rottweiler ate him!"

That dwarf one was hilarious, thanks

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".


Roland the teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."


"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"


Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."


"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"


Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbor is painting her house with a 2-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by alan45

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".


Roland the teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."


"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"


Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."


"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"


Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbor is painting her house with a 2-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

---

:rotfl: Love that one, Al :)

Infact I love this thread, the jokes are really funny...Kath's Dopey joke. :lol:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by alan45

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".


Roland the teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."


"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"


Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."


"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"


Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbor is painting her house with a 2-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

---

I've been trying figure that one out all day. I've finally got it now :rotfl:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by alan45

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".


Roland the teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."


"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"


Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."


"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"


Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbor is painting her house with a 2-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

---

I normally read and stay quiet Alan, but this one....:rotfl::rotfl:

Purely and brilliant hilarious!!! :bow: Thank you lol

I had to read the punchline a few times before I got it Alan but well done great joke.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Chloe O'Brien

I had to read the punchline a few times before I got it Alan but well done great joke.

---

You really need to say it with a broad Dublin accident

Blonde Joke No. 1,439



As the manager passed the blonde's cubicle, he noticed she was sobbing. He asked, "What's the matter?"


She replied, "I just learned that my mother died this morning."


The boss felt sorry for her. "Go on home and take the day off."


"Thanks, but I'd rather stay here and work to keep my mind off it," she said.


He agreed, and she stayed on.


A couple of hours later, he checked in on her and found her crying hysterically. "Now what? Are you okay? Are you sure you don't want to go home?" he asked.


"No!" exclaimed the blonde. "I just spoke with my sister and got more terrible news: her mother died, too!"

:rotfl: That's quite funny.

I like the contagious one too, but like Jelly took me a while before I got it :p (Although not the whole day :lol: )

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CrazyLea

:rotfl: That's quite funny.

I like the contagious one too, but like Jelly took me a while before I got it :p (Although not the whole day :lol: )

---

I had trouble trying to remember what the Irish sound like (even though I'd seen my Irish doctor the same morning)

Two doctors and an NHS manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven.


Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.


One doctor steps forward and says, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities."


Saint Peter says, "Enter."


The other doctor says, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people."


Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven.


The third applicant steps forward and says, "I was an NHS manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care."


Saint Peter tells him, "You can come in, too."


As the NHS manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, "But you can only stay for 3 days."

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the flat was to send him out on the balcony with a lolipop and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.


He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being clamped in the car park", he shouted.


A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by". A few moments later,"Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.


"Matt's riding a new bike....." A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving." "Jason is on his skate board...."


A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"


Startled, his Mum and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"


"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop, too."

See that's the kind of child I have :rotfl:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Chloe O'Brien

See that's the kind of child I have :rotfl:

---

Ha ha so now we know why you are never on here on a Sunday afternoon:rotfl:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by alan45

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Chloe O'Brien

See that's the kind of child I have :rotfl:

---

Ha ha so now we know why you are never on here on a Sunday afternoon:rotfl:

---

Cheeky bugger Sunday afternoon is my time to have a hot date with and iron. :lol:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Chloe O'Brien

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by alan45

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Chloe O'Brien

See that's the kind of child I have :rotfl:

---

Ha ha so now we know why you are never on here on a Sunday afternoon:rotfl:

---

Cheeky bugger Sunday afternoon is my time to have a hot date with and iron. :lol:

---

So no lollipop for the wee bairn Bad mummy:lol:

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.


They were eating lunch when the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building!"


The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too!"


The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too!"


The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.


At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"


The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."



(Oh this is GOOD!)



Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy's wife, who said, "Don't look at me. He made his own lunches."

Two nuns in the bath, one says to the other wheres the soap, the other nun replied

Spoiler:

Yes it does dosent it

:eek:

A couple are lying in bed when the man, feeling frisky, reaches over and gently cupped his wife's breast.


She gave a soft moan, but soon pushed him away.


"Honey? What's wrong?" he asked.


She rolled over to face the wall and said, "You just double-clicked my nipple!"

A man's wife rushed to the hospital unexpectedly, and asked her husband to bring her some items from home including "comfortable underwear".


Worried he'd make the wrong choice, he asked, "But how will I know which ones are comfortable?"


She answered, "Hold them up and imagine me in them. If you smile, put 'em back!"

An old farmer in Nebraska had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.


As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.


One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"


The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Paddy was walking home late at night, through the park, and sees a woman in the shadows.


"Twenty quid," she whispers.


Paddy had never been with a hooker before but decides, as it's only twenty quid, he can't afford to miss out.


So they go into the bushes.


They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them -- it's a police officer.


"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.


"I'm making love to me wife,Mary," Paddy answers indignantly.


"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop. "I didn't know."


"Well," says Ole, "I din't neider, 'til you shine dat light in her face."

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.


In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.


"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer.


Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."


"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted." "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!' "?


Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."


The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact t that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud! Please tell him to simply answer the question."


By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."


Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.


"Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'


"Now what the hell would you say?!"

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing
home. All the Hispanic facilities were completely full, so they had to
put him in an Irish home.

After his first few weeks in the Irish facility, his family came to visit
him. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says
grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place
for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone else."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents
here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here; he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the
violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here; he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the
bench in 30 years, and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

"And there's a Doctor here; he's 90 years old. He hasn't been
practicing medicine for 25 years, and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'

"And there's me; I'm 92 years old. I haven't had sex for 20 years, and
they still call me'The *********g Mexican.'

I just had to share this with you all

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/rake_bush4.html

Alan you are one disturbed man :rotfl:

:crying: :crying: :crying: Oh my hes done me proud!!!! My coruption program is now complete, he is a totally disturbed individual muwahahahahaha
wiping eyes,,,,,,, oh Alan you have made me sooo proud:lol:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you have sex until you are both blue in the face.


The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.


The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.


The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".


The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get nun in the morning, nun in the afternoon and nun at night.


The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.


And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month ... but not enough to live on.





The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you have sex until you are both blue in the face.


The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.


The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.


The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".


The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get nun in the morning, nun in the afternoon and nun at night.


The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.


And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month ... but not enough to live on.

A husband shopped at La Senza for a sheer negligee for his wife. He found several, with prices from £50 to £500; evidently, the sheer-er, the price-ier!


Being a man, he picked the sheerest, took it home to his wife (without removing the price tag, of course) and asked her to model it.


She dashed upstairs to their bedroom, where she had an idea. "This thing is so sheer it might as well be nothing at all. If I don't put it on, but model naked for him, tomorrow I can return it and keep the £500 for myself."


So she walked out on the upstairs balcony naked and struck a sexy pose for him.


Her husband looked up, grimaced, and said, "Dammit! For £500, shouldn't they at least iron it?!"

Alan, I need a few laughs. Have you got any more jokes to post?

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.


He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.


And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.


He takes the aspirins, then cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favoUrite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"


He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.


Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"


"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.


Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"


His son replied, "Oh, THAT!... MUm dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!"



Broken Coffee Table £239.99


Hot Breakfast £4.20


Two Aspirins £1.38


Saying the right thing, at the right time. ..... PRICELESS!!