Oh well, more Mystic Meg predictions bite the dust!
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Oh well, more Mystic Meg predictions bite the dust!
Back on the cobbles it was just another Christmas Day. Dev Alahans 24hr Emporium had re-opened operating out of the back of a lorry. Norris Noseyperson and the voluptuous Mary were finishing off the conversion of Marys passionwagon into Coles travelling post office and mobile stationery supplies. This damned tram crash has cost me a pretty packet moaned Nozza. I blame that Owen Strongarm and his shoddy workmanship. Oh Norris I love it when you are masterful said Mary. Over at chez Bazrlow there was the usual merriment with Ken and Dreary. Christmas is an over commercialised greedfest perpetrated by big business to make money from the working classes. So thats why you didnt even by me a pressie moaned Dreary. Bet if you had been shacked up with your floosie on a barge down the Grand Union Canal you would have bought her a pressie. Kens mind drifted off to a summers day reading poetry to Martha Beacham. Now there was a real woman and so much more intelligent than Dreary. Ken was disturbed from his fantasy as Peter Ironside and his new wife Leeanne Plattersby-Barlow called in to brighten up proceedings with a bottle of Buckfast Non Alcoholic Cocktail Wine. Dreary nipped out to the Ginnel where she smoked a crafty fag. Her mind drifted off the a past Christmas dalliance she had. How did she ever end up with Ken. A swarthy skinned stranger approached. DEEEEDREEEE is that you. Surely it couldnt be Samir Rachid her ex husband. He was brutally murdered by a gang of thugs. DEEERDREEEE I am Samirs brother Srimas and Ive come for his kidney. He lent it to Traceyluv and now we need it back for our long lost cousins the Ferrerro Rochers. KEN!!!! screamed Dreary her eyes bulging from their sockets and the veins on her neck exploding.
Over at T'Rovers Steve Wee Mac was sitting staring into an empty pint glass contemplating the future. Where had it all gone wrong. He and Becky were a match made in heaven. Of course so were he and Tracyluv, Karen, and Vicky. He spoke to his Dad Big Mac Macdonald so he did and asked for his advice as he and Elizabeth were the happiest couple in Weatherfield so they were. You know Steve Im planning to remarry your mother so I am. Big Mac was unaware that his conversation with Our Steven was being overheard by Owen Strongarm and he was determined that no-one was going to replace him in Elizabeths boudoir. He picked up his mobile phone and dialled a Walford number............
Over in their temporary luxury flat Teenie Sparetyre and Graeme Proctologist were discussing Graemes latest venture, Manchesters first vegetarian butchers
It was a new beginning for the Stranger family as they moved into their new house on Albert Square on January 1st. Phil and Jane and their two children, Peter (aged 9) and Lauren (aged 7) had moved from Romford, hoping to find some peace and quiet in the tranquil streets of Walford. Of course, there were all the rumours flying about the Square about the new family but as far as anyone could see they seemed perfectly normal…only there was something not quite right about them that no-one could exactly put their finger on.
After about six months, a number of the older residents met in the Queen Vic and decided to invite Phil and Jane to an evening in the pub so they could put their concerns to them. And so, a week later, Phil and Jane found themselves sitting at one of the tables in the bar surrounded by several inhabitants of the Square.
Phil broke the ice by saying, “It’s good of you to invite us to a drink.” “Yes,” put in Dot hurriedly, “that’s all very well, but we’d like to ask you a few questions.” “Ok,” said Phil with a pleasant smile, “fire away.”
“Now then,” continued Dot, “why don’t you ever come in to the Launderette?” “Because we’ve got a washing machine,” replied Jane. The regulars looked at each other with puzzled frowns. “A washing machine?” echoed Pat, “No-one has a washing machine in Albert Square.” “And why do you never come into the café?” put in Ian. “Well,” said Phil,” we don’t really see the point. We live on the Square, so we can always nip home for a cup of tea if we need to and we always make sure we make our own breakfast in the morning before we go to work.” Again there was a round of puzzled stares.
“Talking of work,” added Jack, “I take it you’re both out of work.” “Out of work?” cried Jane, “No, we’re not out of work, whatever made you think that?” “Well, you don’t seem to have a job on the Square.” “No, we don’t work on the Square,” said Jane, “Phil commutes up to his job in the West End and I’ve got a part time secretarial job in Ilford.” “Not work on the Square?” put in Heather “How can that be?”
“And another thing,” said Patrick, “I never see either of you in the Minute Mart. Why’s that?” “Oh we get our weekly shopping from the Supermarket, either Tesco’s or Sainsbury’s. We find it easier and cheaper to do our weekly shop there. Sorry Patrick.”
“This is all very curious,” said Max, “because also we never see you in here of an evening.” “No,” replied Phil, “we don’t drink very much. And besides we’ve got the two children to look after in the evening.” “Look after the children” exclaimed an astonished Shirley, “No-one looks after their children in Albert Square. They go missing for weeks, months, on end and no-one notices. Children have never stopped anyone here having a night out.”
“Yes, and we hardly ever see you around during the day, except at weekends,” said Bianca, “why’s that?” “Well, like I said,” replied Jane, “we have jobs to go to.” “But people round here are always taking sickies or taking the day off for no apparent reason when they feel like it,” put in Billy.
“And finally,” asked the other Phil in a threatening tone, “how come your names are Phil, Jane, Peter and Lauren, names already used by residents of the Square. You must know that’s just not allowed. We nearly had a problem with two Billies a little while ago but fortunately they spelt their names differently.” “I can’t answer that,” said the other Phil.
The older inhabitants of Albert Square couldn’t believe what they had just heard. They had seemed such a nice quiet and pleasant family when they moved in, but now no-one was very sure. They did seem very strange.
I cant take the credit for this but it just goes to show that Parkerman and I are not the only fantasists out there,
Downloaded from Wikileaks allegedly
January:
A van pulls up at the factory as Carla is closing up for the day. Her five long-lost Connor brothers climb out and take over the business. They set about building another extension to the factory and in doing so discover just what that smell is in the ladies loo. It’s Colin Fishwick. Fiz identifies the rug he’s wrapped in as hers and she is arrested for Colin’s murder and crimes against interior design. John conveniently heads off on a teacher’s training course in Benidorm. Sian and Sophie decide to adopt a child and book a trip to Tibet to find one.
February:
Gail enjoys a weekend away from it all at a retreat. Whilst there she meets handsome monk, Daniel, who asks to keep in touch. After exchanging a few postcards Daniel turns up on Gail’s doorstep having turned his back on celibacy and he moves in with her. Fiz is given a life sentence at her trial and uses her time in prison well – she makes another rug. Sian and Sophie jet off to Tibet.
March:
Gail and Daniel announce their engagement, much to Audrey’s discomfort. She knows there’s something not right about him and is determined to discover his dark secret. Ken decides to commission a portrait of Deidre but when he goes to see the painter (Trixie) he falls into her arms and decides he would have preferred to have lived her bohemian life. They embark on a steamy affair. Sian and Sophie return with a little Tibetan baby they call Baby GaGa.
April:
The Connors decide to make the factory smaller again and they remove the new extension over the course of a weekend. Two of the brothers die in the process, another goes back to Ireland and two more vanish. Carla is on her own again. Tracy Barlow offers to spring Fiz from prison if she’ll give her baby Hope. Fiz agrees. Tracy then offers the child to Becky and Steve for a couple of hundred in notes. A deal is struck. Baby GaGa isn’t settling in to Weatherfield life so Sian and Sophie post him back and agree to adopt Chesney instead.
May:
Tracy visits Fiz in prison carrying a very large bag and smuggles Fiz out in it. Fiz gives her baby Hope, which Tracy accidentally leaves on a bus and Becky is furious that she’s lost the chance for another child. Ken presents Deirdre with the portrait but she isn’t struck with it and throws it back at him. Trixie arrives in her old VW Beetle and begs him to leave with her. Emily reminds Ken that Uncle Albert would be turning in his grave if he thought Ken would get into a German car. He is brought back to earth by this reminder of his past. Trixie leaves without him and Deirdre burns the painting on the Red Rec. She is arrested because Weatherfield is now a smokeless zone.
June:
Deirdre is released from prison following the intervention of the Prime Minister. There’s a flood in the Rovers cellar and during the building works an old beehive wig of Bet’s is discovered with rats nesting in it. Norris gets very excited and Rita notices he changes just a little. His secret is out – he’s been Alec Gilroy in disguise all these years. Rita curses herself for not noticing the haircut and tank-tops were the same. He just wanted to be near Rita – he proposes to her, and she now finds herself owner of the Kabin once more .. and landlady of the Rovers, which Alec buys from Steve.
July:
Gail and Daniel marry on the banks of Weatherfield Canal. While they are away on honeymoon in Blackpool Audrey rifles through Gail’s private papers and discovers a newspaper cutting from the trial of Brian’s murderer. It is Daniel. Audrey decides to keep quite until the Rovers has a big do. Peter Barlow is back on the bottle and he joins Eileen for a night on the town. They end up in bed together and when Eileen discovers she’s pregnant Ken forces Peter to propose to her. Eileen says yes. Baby Jack is taken ill and desperately needs a kidney transplant. Tyrone’s offer of a kidney is rejected but he pleads with Kevin to give the child one of his. He agrees.
August:
There’s a big do at the Rovers and Audrey produces the press cutting – Daniel is exposed as Brian’s murderer. Gail is having none of it and she forgives her new husband. However, later that night Daniel suggests a drive to their wedding location by the canal. As Gail gets into the car she questions his need to tie her up and Daniel admits he also set fire to the convent killing Ivy. He has a pathological desire to wipe out the Tilsleys. They set off towards the canal.
September:
Daniel is about to drive his car into the canal when he spots a figure climbing from the water. It is Joe, who faked his death a little too well. He has returned and shoots Daniel and snogs Gail. She berates him for all the money she wasted on the funeral but they are reunited. Steve wins a fortune in a Cumbrian gurning competition and he gets offered a modelling job in Hollywood. He and Becky decide to go and chase their dreams. Becky, on a hunch, visits the lost property office at the bus depot and finds baby Hope, whom she renames Rover. Steve, Becky, Amy, Max, Rover and all the other kids they’ve bought along the way head off to Hollywood. At the airport they realise the tickets say Hollinwood, a suburb of Manchester.
October:
Fiz notices that she hasn’t seen much of John since Colin Fishwick’s body turned up at the factory but then Sean spots a picture of him in the Weatherfield Gazette. It turns out he’s been leading a double life as the headmaster of Weatherfield County Academy so he’s not been able to see much of her. She confronts him at a parent’s evening and they fall into each others arms. He agrees to come home but only if Fiz will let him run a correspondence college from home. A bolt of lightening strikes the Websters causing Jason and Rosie to merge into one but Sally insists ‘Josie’ lives with her. Sally and Eileen have a fight in a vat of mud just for the sake of it – and the ratings. Eileen goes into labour and Sally helps deliver baby Blanche Barlow.
November:
Sophie and Sian split up when Sophie announces she was just going through a phase. Sian agrees that she was too and she proposes to adopted son Chesney. Peter and Eileen marry with Leanne and Nick as their witnesses (they discovered their first marriage was still legal due to a technicality). Baby Jack comes home from hospital – he is now 18 and Kevin gives him a job at the garage having sacked Tyrone. Baby Jack rejects Tyrone. He is later diagnosed with a cotton allergy meaning he has to work in the garage shirtless.
December:
Newton and Ridley announce that the Rovers is to get a new name and there’s a campaign to stop them involving Rita sitting atop the pub. It snows heavily and she’s stuck there for a fortnight with Alec too tight to pay the fire brigade to bring her down. Little does she know that while she’s up there he goes on a cruise with an exotic snake act from Crewe. As the Platt/McIntryre family sit down for Christmas lunch Tina begins to doubt that Joe is who he says he is. He is later seen sitting on Maxine’s bench caressing an crowbar. 2012 might not be Gail’s year. Again.
And they say I'm the maddest member on here?
How can we follow that?
I've missed a fair bit of the instalments out so I'm going to treat myself later when I've finished my essay and start from the beginning of this tall story.
How about that Tyrone could win the lottery, but the bit of land were the joinery was, open up a garage in competition with Kevin and get's a contract to fix F1 cars then we could have F1 drivers in the street. :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Chloe O'brien
It is the day of Joy Fishwick’s funeral. After a typically thorough investigation by the Weatherfield police nothing untoward was found and the body was released for burial. As the body was brought into the chapel only John and Fiz were present. “It’s very sad, isn’t it, John?” said Fiz. “I mean we’re the only two here. I wonder if Colin ever found out.” “No, I shouldn’t think so,” put in John hurriedly, “otherwise he would have been here.” Suddenly the door opened and another man walked in. “Who’s that,” asked Fiz. “No idea,” replied John.
After the service was over and Joy Fishwick was laid to rest, the man came over to John and said, “You must be John Stape.” “Yes, yes, I am,” said John. “I thought you must be,” replied the man. “My mother told me all you’d done for her in her last few days.” “Your mother?” stammered John. “Yes I’m her son.” “You must be Colin’s brother then,” put in Fiz. “Yes I am,” answered the man, “my name’s Robert”. “Pleased to meet you,” said Fiz.
“Yes, I’m really pleased to have met you, John, and grateful for all you did for my mother in her last few days. I live in the Shetlands and I was unable to get down to see her, but she told me all about you,” said Robert. “Do you know if she was peaceful at the end?” “I’m sure she was,” said John, “but I don’t really know as I wasn’t there. But I’m sure she was.” “Not there?” enquired Robert with a puzzled tone in his voice, “but my mum texted me only minutes before she died to tell me you were there making her a cup of tea. She kept in constant touch with me.” Fiz looked at John suspiciously, “John,” she said, “you told me the last time you saw her was a few hours before her death.” “Yes, it was. I think you must have it wrong, Robert.” “No, I’m certain,” said Robert, “Mum texted me to say that you were just about to explain to her why you had Colin’s phone.” “Colin’s phone?” repeated an astonished Fiz.
“Er, yes, “said John, “come round here behind the church and I’ll explain it all to you.” As they went behind the church where nobody could see them, John picked up a huge stone from the ground and battered Robert over the head. He then did the same to Fiz before running off.
On arriving home, Chesney asked him where Fiz was. John immediately threw Chesney against the wall and picked up a hammer that was handily placed on the floor and beat Chesney over the head with it. Just at that moment, Kirk walked in through the front door. John flew at him with the hammer. He then opened the front door to find Maria on the doorstep. “What’s up John?” she asked as she walked into the room to see Chesney and Kirk lying on the floor. Silently from behind, John clocked her over the head too.
Later in the police station, John told the police that he was not a bad man and that things had just got out of hand. “All I want to do is be a teacher. Is that so bad? Can I go now?”
Meanwhile back over at Weatherfield General Tracyluv was starting to come out of her coma. ''Wheres my husband and my lovely daughter? ''she yelled. ''Oh Traceyluv you are awake'' said doting mum Dreary. ''We were so worried about you werent we Ken?''. Ken lifted his head from his book, a rather interesting volume all about the British Museum called Behind the Collonades, ''Sorry, what was that?''.
''I was just telling Traceyluv how worried we were about her'' said Dreary with a sigh, the muscles on her neck bulging to bursting point. ''Its a miracle'' said Dreary and immediatly went to the hospital chapel to speak to Revd. Sophie Webster and her curate and lover Sian Girlpowers.
''Tracey do you know who attacked you?'' asked Ken. ''Er yes of course I do it was that Galeforce Tilsley-Platt-Hillman Minx'' sneered Traceyluv. ''You must tell DS Useless and DC Stupid because they have arrested the whole of T'Rovers and are holding them under atrocious conditions at Morecombe Bay.'' pleaded Ken and ''besides which Gale has a cast iron alibi she was with her new husband Dick Vauxhall on honeymoon at the Red Rec''
''Maybe I was mistaken then'' said Traceyluv ''Wheres my husband and daughter why arent they here for me''
''You arent married Tracey'' said Ken '' but you do have a daughter Samey with an interchangeable head''
''Dont be daft Ken, how can I have a daughter if I'm not married, everyone knows you have to be married to have babies''
''And just who do you think is you husband then?'' said an exasperated Ken
''Oh Ken, Blanche was right you ARE stupid, even with all your fancy education and those degrees you still have no common sense'' laughed Traceyluv. ''I married Dev Alacarte in a Hindu ceremony on the beach at Blackpool'' It was after he shagged my trollope of a mother that Christmastime while you and Blanche were at home dozing off in front of the Queens speech''
Kens mind drifted to all the affairs that his slapper of a wife had had over the years. Almost as many as he had had but of course in his case it wasnt a sexual thing. He loved them because they were his intellectual equal, except Janice Battererbyles of course and Vera Duckegg. Oh yes and there was that brief fling with a pre-op Hayley Cropper but the less said about that the better.
Outside in the darkened corridor a mysterious figure stood in the shadows, whilst outside in the carpark another mystery figure stood hiding in a darkened corner.
There would be at least another death before the dawn broke
Whatever else you might say about him, you just can't fault Ken's choice in books...:D
Thought you would appreciate a bit of free publicity. God knows what will happen when he goes off to meet the author :DQuote:
Originally Posted by parkerman
You wouldn't like to be my agent would you, alan? A bit of product placement in Coronation Street would be just what the doctor - or, in this case, the author - ordered.:)
Over in the police station, the Weatherfield police, after their normal exhaustive investigation, found they had nothing to hold John Stape on so they let him go.
Back home, John considered his next move. Was there anyone else who knew his dark secret who had to be eliminated? Could he take a chance that Carla would not find Colin’s body or that Owen hadn’t noticed something fishy when he filled in the cellar? No, he would have to deal with them as well.
That night John went to the pub to see Owen, who he knew would be in there. And sure enough there he was having an argument with both his daughters, while at the same time holding Gary up against the wall by his throat and ogling Liz’s cleavage. The thought occurred to John that he might have let something slip to all these people as well, so that was four more he would need to get rid of.
Just then Carla came in for a drink with Peter Barlow (orange squash of course). “Hmmm,” thought John, “Peter Barlow, maybe Carla’s said something to him and if he knows, there’s Leanne, Simon, Nick, Ken and Deidre to consider. And if Nick’s in on it, what about Gail, David and Audrey? Seems like I’m going to have my work cut out. Of course, there’s also Michelle, who’s friendly with both Carla and Leanne and then there’s..." there were dozens of them he had to eliminate to make sure his secret was safe.
The following night, John went on a rampage, brutally killing everyone who stood in his way. Practically the whole cast of Coronation Street was decimated and there was blood and gore everywhere with bodies piling up in the street.
Just when he thought he’d got rid of everyone, Schmeichel came up to him and sniffed around the bodies. “Get out of here,” shouted John, taking a swipe at the dog with his boot. Fortunately he missed, but Schmeichel ran off yelping.
The following day, the newspapers reported that over 10,000 people had rung up ITV to complain about last night’s episode of Coronation Street. As one complainant put it, “How could the producers show John Stape aiming a kick at a dog? It’s beyond belief that this act of cruelty should be shown on our screens before the watershed.”
Funny you should mention that http://i293.photobucket.com/albums/m...12296/kenb.jpgQuote:
Originally Posted by parkerman
Brilliant. Thanks, Alan. 10% do you?
God I'm so engroused. How will they top this.
There's been a bit of controversy over recent spoilers for Corrie. The news of Marcus' return, plus the ongoing Sophie/Sian drama, and gossip about Claudia's new boyfriend, have lead to some people criticising producer Phil Collinson. There have been suggestions that he is perhaps peddling a "gay agenda". A similar charge was levied at him during his time at Doctor Who, because of that episode where two incidental characters were revealed to be lesbians, not sisters. In a bid to clarify what exactly is going to happen, we've spoken to Phil, and gained this EXCLUSIVE(*) interview(**) on the upcoming storylines.
"First of all," Phil told me, reclining in a leather chair in his hollowed out volcano hideaway, "There's been a lot of fuss about Andrew Hall's character, Marc. There have been rumours that he is a secret transvestite. Actually, this is all a simple misunderstanding. The truth is that Marc has an identical twin sister, and the press have been confused by shots of Andrew Hall dressed as Moira. It turns out that Marc and Moira are caring for their elderly mother - hilariously played by Wendy Craig. We've got The Mill back in to handle the split screen special effects, and I'm sure you'll agree it will be worth the wait. Especially when Nick Tilsley claps his eyes on the gorgeous Moira, and complications ensue!
"Marcus, meanwhile, is returning to the Street to ask Sean a big favour - to be his best man! Yes, Marcus is getting married, and his lovely fiance will be played by supermodel Sophie Dahl. Sean of course is happy to help, but tensions arise when he meets Ms Dahl for the first time. Having already made Marcus renounce his former tendencies, could her red hot heterosexual sex appeal also convert Sean? Things will come to a head when Sean finally gives in to his secret urges and sleeps with the bride-to-be the night before the wedding. Will he still be able to be best man, or will he fight for the woman he loves?"
Phil lights up a cigar, blowing the smoke into a passing kitten's face, and says, "Finally, Sophie and Sian's relationship will reach a climax when Sophie falls from the church roof. In the process she'll bang her head, which, of course, makes her normal again. She realises that the whole lesbian thing was just down to a silly misunderstanding, and immediately sleeps with the entire Weatherfield Rugby Team because she loves being heterosexual so much. Sian is relieved, as she actually met a wonderful man while on holiday with her mum, and immediately flies out to join him. This will lead to hilarious rivalries between Rosie and Sophie, as they battle to be the biggest trollop on the Street!"
"As you can see, all these storylines are highly realistic and will reflect every facet of 21st century Britain. I hate it when people get a hint of a spoiler and misinterpret what's going on. Now if you'll excuse me - I have to go home and sleep with my wife."
I cannot claim credit for this but I thought it would amuse you
The day of the big wedding has dawned, April 29th. The church is packed to capacity. In the background the organ is playing a tasteful medley of hymns and Frank Sinatra songs while the vicar (who used to be a central figure around Walford but is now reduced to a bit part) is greeting his parishioners at the door as they go in to share the couple’s happy day.
Jack, Ronnie and James/Tommy are first to arrive. As the vicar greets them with a friendly “Welcome”, Ronnie starts screaming and hurling abuse at him. “What do you mean, ‘welcome’? You know something don’t you?” Jack takes her hand, “Ron! Ron! What’s got inta ya?” “I’m sorry, Jack,” replies Ronnie, “but why is the vicar having a go?” Jack leads her into the church.
The next to arrive are Janine and Whitney followed closely by Ricky and his family. “Let’s all sit togevver,” says Ricky. “I don’t think so,” puts in Janine quickly, “Whitney’s not ready to sit near you yet, Ricky, after all you’ve done to her.” Ricky opens and closes his mouth like a goldfish (or pilchard) but can’t think of a suitable reply, so they go to different parts of the church.
Masood, Zainab and Tamwar follow, taking their places at the rear of the church. Then comes Yusef and Afia who sit next to the Masoods. Everyone smiles at each other while Mas mutters to Tamwar under his breath, “Get them out of here or else!” “Or else what, dad?” asks Tamwar. “Or else I won’t be responsible for my actions,” replies Mas. “It seems to me you’re never responsible for your actions,” says Tamwar. With that he takes Afia’s hand and they move to another pew while Yusef snuggles nearer to Zainab.
Denise and Kim rush into the church elbowing each other out of the way in an effort to get seated next to Yusef. Kim wins as Denise tosses her hair back, shrugs her shoulders and goes off to sit with Patrick.
Next in are Roy and Hayley. Everyone stares at them in amazement. “’Ere,” says Kat who has entered quietly (as if!) , who are you two?” Dot looks at them and says, “I know who you two are, you’re Roy and Hayley from that Corporation Street show on the tele. I saw you in your 50th anniversary programme. What are you doing here?” Roy looks a little bemused. “This is Sean and Marcus’s civil partnership ceremony, isn’t it?” “’Fraid not squire,” says Kat, “you’re not only in the wrong church, you’re in the wrong soap. Oh, Alfie, where’s my Alfie?” Roy and Hayley mutter their apologies and leave bumping into Winston as they go.
At last the groom comes in. It’s Phil Mitchell with Ian Beale beside him as his best man (don’t ask!). They take up their position at the front of the church, waiting for Phil’s lovely blushing bride to enter. Suddenly the music strikes up, “Here comes the Bride, da da de da….” She walks slowly and regally down the aisle and takes up her place next to the groom. She has on a long white dress and a veil covering her face. As the vicar comes forward, she throws off her veil….
“Wtf!” exclaims Phil, “You’re bloody Kate Middleton.” “Oh, terribly sorry,” she says, “I must have got the wrong church.”
Meanwhile over at Westminster Abbey, the Queen suddenly realises there’s been a terrible mix up as Shirley Carter is revealed as the new wife of the second in line to the throne of England. “Wtf!” exclaims the other Phil.
However, it is very soon realised that no real harm has been done as no-one saw either ceremony as they were all at a big street party in Ireland, hosted by Alan and Siobhan, with tables stretching all the way from Belfast to Dublin just to cope with the number of people who had escaped from Britain for the day…..
More Crossovers for Corrie and Deadenders
Coronation Street Blog can EXCLUSIVELY reveal the details.
- It's a widely known fact that no British soap opera is allowed to have more than one Asian family at a time. Therefore, what could be more natural than to find out Walford's Masood family are in fact related to Weatherfield's Alahans? There will be a tender reunion later this summer. The detail that the Masoods are Muslim while the Alahans are Hindu will be explained through a heartrending plotline involving the partition of India in 1947 - a family literally torn apart across borders. Zainab and Sunita will bond over the general uselessness of their husbands, while sarcastic, super-intelligent Tamwar will realise just how much he has in common with sarcastic, super-intelligent Amber.
- Ken Barlow has already scattered illegitimate progeny across the North West; it's logical that he may have spread his seed elsewhere. August will bring the revelation that his fling with a young Kathy Hills while at an NUT conference in Bexleyheath resulted in the birth of Ian "Squeal" Beale, chip shop king of Albert Square. The two men spot their genetic bond: they are both pale, tedious men who possess no charm whatsoever, and yet have no problem attracting gorgeous women to be their wives. Ken will suck the end of his glasses and look harried while Ian will try not to get his head pushed down the toilet by Kevin Webster. (Offscreen, Bill Roache has already given Adam Woodyatt advice on how to make one six week job last fifty years).
- All these revelations will need something resembling a Greek chorus, and who better to lead the tutting and disapproval than Dot Cotton/Branning and Norris Cole? They set up a stall in the gardens of Albert Square from where they can pass sanctimonious judgement on all and sundry. Norris, in particular, while take delight in the sexual misadventures of Kat Slater-Moon, a woman who makes Becky look like an emotionally repressed missionary, while Dot will be thoroughly shocked by the length of Kylie Platt's skirts. They will end up falling out in a debate about whether Rita or Pat is the merriest widow.
- Speaking of Pat, she'll fall on hard times due to her house being filled with 3000 relatives, none of whom seem to have jobs, and so she'll have to go back on the game to earn the rent. She finds it difficult attracting punters when only her, ahem, ample charms are on offer, and so she turns to an old hand, Leanne Battersby-Barlow, for assistance. Soon Leanne is flat on her back, earning enough money to keep Peter in rehab sessions. But what will be Tracey's reaction when she finds out her sister in law is a member of the oldest profession? Again?
- Finally, Phil Mitchell realises that the garage on Coronation Street will give him the perfect opportunity to expand his business empire/crime syndicate. He makes Kevin Webster a takeover offer, but he rejects it on a whim just to annoy Tyrone. Phil's response is calm and measured; he clubs Kevin to death with an adjustable spanner and buries him under the cobbles. His plan would be perfect, except he failed to reckon with Sally. She flies into a rage at the death of her maintenance cheques and unleashes her killer tongue on the Cockney mummy's boy, sending him running back down the M1 with his tail between his legs.
With talk of crossovers in the air, I think it's time for a comeback myself....
"“This way, Prisoner Branning,” said the prison guard, “your cell is down the corridor here.”
“Good,” said Ronnie Branning (for, of course, it was she), “I deserve this. I hope you lock the door and throw away the key. I should be punished for ever for what I did. I don’t want you to let me out, even when my sentence comes to an end. I don’t deserve to be let out. Ever. Have you got that? Do you understand me?”
“Yes, yes, Prisoner Branning, whatever you say.”
“No I mean it. I did a terrible thing and I deserve to be punished. Just don’t let me out. OK?”
“Just a little further, Prisoner Branning. Your cell is at the end. You will be sharing it with a woman brought in for murder.”
“Good. I want to be in with a murderer. Perhaps she’ll murder me. I deserve it. I never want to leave here. I am really evil. I deserve to be locked up for ever. Do you hear me?”
They finally reach the cell and the prison guard opens the door. Inside is a red haired woman staring wildly into space. The guard shoves Ronnie in and shuts the door behind her.
“Hello, I’m Ronnie. I deserve to be here. I’m a terrible woman. They should never let me out.”
The red haired woman stared at her for a while and finally said, “My name is Fiz. I didn’t do it. My baby. John. It’s all wrong. Hope. Chesney. I can’t face it. I loved him. My daughter. I need her. I’ll never see her again. John. Hope. My baby. I can’t do it. In care. Adopted. John. Hope. I shouldn’t be here. She needs me. I’m innocent. Hope….” And so on for the next four or five hours.
Ronnie started banging on the door, “Let me out,” she yelled, “I’ve been punished enough. Please let me go home.”
BBC's Christmas Eastenders Special.
Christmas morning dawned deep and crisp and even for the denizens of Albert Square. “Oh no,” sighed Ian, “it’s Christmas and we all know what Christmases are like round here. I’ve seen enough of them to know that today is not going to end well. 27 to be precise and not one of them has brought good cheer. Mostly they’ve been explosive and rocked the Square. I think I’ll stay in bed all day today.” “Good idea,” put in Mandy quickly.
Meanwhile over at the Tardis – sorry, I mean Pat’s house – all the children were excitedly getting ready for the big day. Tiff was up early sorting through the presents under the tree, while Liam was pretending to be grown up and not caring, but every now and then surreptitiously opening a present as well.
Pat herself was very excited because her two boys were coming back home for Christmas dinner and to stay the night in two more rooms that had appeared overnight. Simon was flying in from the other side of the world, while David had managed to get leave of absence from his very important job as head of A&E at Holby General. “He’s done so well for himself,” thought Pat proudly, “but I wonder how he’ll get on with his daughter, knowing she’s just come out of prison.”
Pat snapped out of her daydreaming as Carol came down the stairs. “Let’s get this dinner on then,” she said. “All right! All right!” exclaimed Pat, “We’ve got plenty of time. I haven’t decided which earrings to wear yet. The big dangly gold ones or the even bigger big dangly silver ones.”
Over at Phil’s, everyone was awake. “Christmas, humbug,” said Phil. “Oh, Mr Mitchell, don’t be like that, it’s a lovely time of year,” said Heather. “You dozy mare,” yelled her best friend Shirley from upstairs. “Yes, but think of George. It’s magic for children,” replied Heather. “I’m sorry you ever came back from the B&B,” added Phil. “Well, if that’s how you feel, Mr Mitchell, I’m leaving again.” “Shut the door behind you,” said Phil reaching for his can of coke (spelt with a small ‘c’ if you know what I mean).
Later in the day, Pat heard a knock at her door. “That could be Simon or David,” she said excitedly. But her disappointment was obvious as she opened the door and saw Heather standing there. “What do you want?” asked Pat. “Can I come in?” replied Heather, “I’ve left Phil’s and I’ve got nowhere to stay and I know your house is big enough to take me and George in.”
After dinner, Pat, her family and about ten or eleven lodgers sat round the television to watch the special edition of Downton Abbey. “Do you remember that time we all sat round to watch that soap episode when Den handed Angie her divorce papers?” said Carol. “What are you talking about?” asked Pat, looking at Carol as though she’d taken leave of her senses, “that wasn’t a soap episode, that was real. I was there.” “Oh, yes, I forgot,” put in Carol, “it was before my time but you’ve been in Albert Square a long time haven’t you? Second only to Ian Beale.” “Yes, that’s right,” confirmed Pat.
Outside in the street there was a strangulated cry, “aaaarrrrggghhhhh!!!!!” and suddenly a bomb came sailing through the window which exploded in Pat’s living room, blowing up everyone and everything around it. When the dust settled it was found that poor Pat and Heather hadn't made it.
Later at the trial, the judge asked the guilty defendant if he had anything further to say before he passed sentence. “This,” he said, “was a particularly heinous crime. Throwing a bomb through the deceased’s window was an explosive act that rocked the whole Square, but it is only fair I give you one last chance to explain yourself as you have remained silent throughout the trial. In fact I have been wondering if you can talk at all.”
“Oh, yes, I can talk when I want to,” said the defendant bitterly, “but no-one lets me. I don’t mind too much but it was the final straw when I overheard Pat Evans saying she was second only to Ian Beale in time spent on the Square when I have that honour. No-one gives me credit for anything. You have no idea how frustrating it can get. I just want people to recognise me.”
“Winston,” intoned the judge gravely, “I can understand how you feel, but blowing people up is not the answer. I therefore sentence you to a further 30 years in Eastenders without speaking. Take him away.”
Stella as seen by Fat Brenda over on Corrieblog
Quote:
“If you’ve got a problem with a lass or fella,
Pop in’t back and talk to Stella”
And so say all of us! Stella's helped everyone round these parts. She’s been raising money for them starving kiddies in hot countries an’ that by embarking on a ‘Therapathon’ - where folk sponsor her for therapeutic sessions in the back room of the Rovers - or "Stella's Surgery" as she calls it - so she can give ‘em advice on a number of issues ranging from problems with their marriage to the best way to boil an egg using nowt but a flask of tepid water and a lace hankie. I've even heard rumour she’s going to singlehandedly look for Gail McIntyre’s dad who’s been missing presumed Ted!
The only folk round here who don’t seem to be impressed with Stella’s superhuman ability to understand the inner thoughts and insecurities of us lesser mortals are Peter and Carla! She's onto 'em! I’m not flamin’ surprised though, it’s only a matter of time before their secret is out. I’ve been getting taxis for the pair of ‘em to fandangle with one another for weeks now and I reckon it’s gonna end in tears – Simon’s probably, poor lad. Still, at least if it's all out in't open they won't have to meet in a back passage.
After finding a cancer cure and developing a non-genetically modified way of growing hairy vegetables that will feed the world’s hungry while providing them with warm clothes, Stella is probably gonna buy the Rovers if she can find the money… after she’s run a marathon in aid of blind hamsters and troubled stoats… AND after she’s raised awareness for men’s baldness by shaving her own hair off and re-growing it using the patent hair follicle repairing lotion she created using the distilled tears of joy from orphans she has helped to find homes…
Actually, now I come to think about it, Dev in’t too happy with Stella either. It’s not been going well for the Alahans of late . Sunita has been very down and confided in Stella (well why not? It’s not like she’s a virtual stranger) about her worries. Stella isn’t the only casual acquaintance Sunita has been papping on to about her problems, she’s been telling me about Dev’s inability to satisfy her appetite! Apparently he never cooks enough food to go round and prioritises Aadi and himself over the two lasses (or three when Amber’s round their house for a meal) - sexist!
Hahaha brilliant!! Love fat brenda!!
Yes she has STELLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH summed up really wellQuote:
Originally Posted by Katy
A cool grey dawn broke over the streets of Weatherfield. In the dairy, there was something of a crisis as the milkman for Coronation Street and surrounding areas had just phoned in sick. “What can we do?” asked the manager. “It’s obvious, isn’t it” replied his secretary, “We’ll have to call in St Ella to deliver the milk this morning.” “Of course,” said the manager, “I’ll phone her now.”
Later that morning as St Ella was on her milk round, she received a phone call on her mobile from the sorting office, “One of our postmen hasn’t turned up for work, is there any chance you can deliver the mail in Coronation Street this morning?” “St Ella though for a second and then said, “Of course, but first I have to help Norris deliver the newspapers as one of the delivery boys hasn’t turned up for work.”
While St Ella was out of the house, Karl gave Sunita a quick ring to tell her that St Ella would be out most of the morning if she fancied having her bum groped yet again. Getting out of bed, Sunita said to Dev, “I’ve just remembered, I’ve arranged to have breakfast with an old friend over in Chorlton-Cum-Hardy this morning.” “So why didn’t you tell me this before, Babe?” asked Dev….
Back out on her post round, St Ella came across Simon sitting out on the doorstep of Ken and Deirdre’s house. “What’s the matter?” she asked. Simon explained that he didn’t want to go home to Carla and that he wanted to stay at his grandad’s house. St Ella knocked on the door and took Simon inside. “Wait there,” she said, “I have an idea. She then went and got Peter and Carla and Leanne round and sat them all down and addressed them all for a few minutes. At the end of her wise counselling, all of them agreed to be the best of friends and the situation was completely resolved.
Going back to the Rover’s Return she spotted Tina and Tommy having a row in the street, so she again took it upon herself to counsel them and within minutes they were back together again and agreeing to get married as soon as possible.
She then saw Tyrone being physically thrown out of his house by Kirsty. “Time for a word,” she thought. So going over to Tyrone and Kirsty she ushered them inside. By the time she came out, Kirsty had agreed to seek help and go on an anger management course. Which St Ella was running at the Community Centre every Thursday afternoon.
She then went back to the pub to clear up from last night, clean up, get all the stock out ready for the day, polish the bar, make breakfast, fix the broken juke box, get the accounts ready for the visit that day of the Tax Man and nip off to the bank to bank the previous day’s takings.
On her way to the bank, she saw Kevin and Sally, so she went and had a word with them and they saw at once how silly they were being. St Ella then went off to organise the church for their wedding, phoned the caterers and made a couple of bridesmaids dresses.
It was still only 11:00 in the morning….
Following her Gourmet 14 course Luncheon in the Rovers which featured some locally sourced ingredients such as Weatherfield free range venison and red snapper fresh from the Canal the Blessed St.Ella sat down to await her daily conference call with Barack Obama. She was advising him on his current fiscal policy and his decision to move the US Pacific fleet. "Many congratulations on your Jubilee St. Ella it was wonderful!" " Thank you Barry" said her holiness " It was not special guv, the old Baked Bean was as appy as a pig in **** wiv ow it went an so was the bubble and squeak before e went into The orspital. Anyways ducks I've gotta speak wiv the Kofi Annan guy to see wot we are gonna do bout situation in Syria."
Down in t'cellar Sunita was practising her horizontal jogging for the Olympics. Karl was practising for the Breast stroke as well as the pole vault.
Later that afternoon in a scene reminiscent of one of the Rev Syung Moon's weddings Archbishop St.Ella performed the marriage ceremony for Kevin and Sally , Maria and a random man, Steve and Eileen, Michelle and her ego, tommy and Tina as well as Kirsty and Tie Moan. The back room of the Rovers was almost full. Following her papal blessing everyone returned to the Rovers where a fatted calf was butchered and served along with five fishes and 3 loaves. What a busy hours work she had done and it was just turned four o'clock. Time for Deal or No Deal
But first she had to catch the plane to Kabul where a meeting had been arranged between President Karzai and the Taliban. After brokering a lasting peace it was back to the United Nations Security Council where she solved the Middle East crisis, the Palestinian question, Greek debt, saved the Euro, had a quick word with Robert Mugabe and brought peace to the warring factions in Syria.
Back home in time for supper at the Rover's she noticed that Karl was nowhere to be seen. "Has anyone seen Karl?" she asked the crowded pub.
Dev was the first to reply. "You might be able to solve all the world's crises, St Ella," he said, "but your bum isn't as nice as my Sunita's. Your precious Karl has stolen my wife." "Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that, Dev, I'll have a word with him and put him right, then we can all live happily ever after..."
Suddenly the door was thrown open and a stranger walked in. "Live happily ever after," the stranger mocked, "live happily ever after? You just wait till I tell them your secret, Cindy Beale! They think I've had a nervous breakdown in Albert Square, but when I saw you on tele with that fake accent, I knew who you were right away and decided to come up her to confront you. Did you think you could fool your former husband? I wasn't taken in by your Lancashire chatter." "Nor were we," muttered everybody else.
Leaping over the bar, St Ella (or Cindy) made straight for the arms of Phil Collinson, who soothed her fevered brow and said, "There there, Michelle, let's go on a shopping trip to New York...By the way, how's your West Country accent? I'm hoping to land the job as producer of Casualty...?"
On arrival at JFK St. Ella or plain Michelle Colins as she now was was wisked off by Helicopter to the UN where she was announced as the new Secretary general. She anounced that she had secured peace in the middle east and was looking forward to visiting the Camp David for tea. A spokesman for Mr Walliams said ''The computer says no!!!' Undeterred Ms Collins flew down to Cape Canaveral where she was due to pilot the supply ship to the International Space Station. Unbeknowns to her a group of diehard Corrie fans had sabotaged the supply ship and reprgrammed its inertial flight system. She would be going on a one way trip to the distant galaxy that was El Dorado.
Meanwhile back on T'Cobbles normality had returned. Fool Collinson was away ruining Holby Casualty. As the new glamourous consultant he had taken Kate Ford and as the Psycho nurse he had taken mad Mary.
This left a vacancy for a new owner for the Rovers or would an old face return. You Decide!!!!
Congrats Guys, well written. very witty and very funny. Good laugh, just what the doctor ordered.
Soap News: The Queen has voiced her concerns over Sharon’s current storyline in Eastenders and has contacted the BBC to express her doubts about the direction of future episodes.
The character of Sharon, who returned to the square last month, is set to become engaged to Phil Mitchell later this autumn. It is said Her Majesty contacted the BBC after reading about this plot twist in the Daily Star, in order to voice her concerns that the storyline was ‘unrealistic’ and ‘lazy’.
“The Queen is worried that this is leading up to a typically explosive and incredibly depressing Christmas day episode of Eastenders,” said a spokeswoman for Buckingham Palace.
“Just for a change Her Majesty would like to see the residents of Albert Square having a nice time at Christmas - not getting divorced, going mad, or killing each other.”
It is not the first time the Queen has tried to influence British TV drama - last year she insisted on rewriting large parts of the script for the final episode of the sixth series of Doctor Who, “The Wedding of River Song”, as she felt it didn't provide enough of an ‘emotional rollercoaster’.
However, it has been reported that although Buckingham Palace may be concerned about the Queen's views, most viewers couldn't give a toss what the late great Peggy Mitchell thinks and have advised her to keep quiet.
Christmas 2012 Albert Square Special:
It was Christmas in Albert Square and everyone was getting ready for Christmas. As the only resident in the street to have seen every Christmas for the last 27 years, Ian was approaching the day with some apprehension. Nevertheless, he had his turkey on the go and was hoping that once, just once....
Over at the Mitchells, Phil was trying to order a take-away for dinner but soon discovered that all the take-aways were shut and realised he might have to make something himself. He looked in his fridge and found a few old sausages, some rashers of bacon and the odd egg or two. "A fry-up," he muttered to himself, "perfect. Just the thing for Christmas Day." He hoped the day would go well as he had invited Billy, Lola, Shirley and Jay over for lunch and Sharon if she wanted to.
The Brannings were preparing a big meal, turkey and all the trimmings, with Max and Tanya sharing the cooking chores. They had a large guest list including Abi, Lauren, Oscar, Derek, Joey, Alice, Rainie, Ava, Cora, Jack and Sharon if she wanted to.
Bianca was breaking open the chicken nuggets for herself, Carol, Whitney, Tyler, Liam, Morgan and Tiffany, while the Masoods, Mas, Zainab, Tamwar and AJ, were looking forward to their stereoype turkey curry.
At the B&B, Denise and Kym were organising a big festive spread for the guests, who consisted of Patrick, Ray and Sasha, while at The Queen Vic, Alfie and Kat were hosting a dinner for Jean, Mo, Roxy and Michael.
After the fry-up was heartily consumed by all the guests, Phil said he had an announcement to make. He said he had spoken to the social worker and had got her to agree that Lexi should be handed back to Lola full time and that he had asked Shirley to marry him and she had said yes. He further announced that he was taking Jay into full partnership at Mitchell's Autos and that Billy would be the manager. Then they all went into the living room to play a nice game of Monopoly.
Max Branning too had an announcement. He said that he wanted to be the first to announce the engagement of Joey and his little daughter Lauren as he was very proud of both of them. Joey added that he had now been reconciled with his father as Derek had sworn that he was giving up crime and, in fact, had only the day before got himself a job as a bus driver and was now going straight. Cora said she had her own announcement and that was that Ava was moving in with her.
Bianca took the opportunity of the whole family being together to say that she had just heard from Ricky and that he had become a millionaire and would be returning in the New Year and the family would be buying a new house and that all their money worries were now behind them.
Once the dishes were cleared away, Tamwar took centre stage to announce that he had heard from Afia and that she was coming back to him as she had decided she couldn't live without him and that as he felt the same way, this news had made him the happiest man in Walford.
Kym was able to inform her guests that she and Ray had set a date for their wedding and they were looking forward to settling down to a very happy life together.
Alfie didn't wait for dinner before saying that he and Kat had never been happier and that, although she had had an affair, it was all over and they were very much in love and would stay together. Michael said that was funny because he had heard from Janine and that she was coming back to him. Only Roxy looked a bit strained as she couldn't remember where Amy was, but then she suddenly remembered she was upstairs asleep, so that was all right.
Ian took his turkey out the oven and put it on the plate ready to carve for himself, Lucy and Bobby. "That's funny," he said, "I haven't heard any big arguments, guns firing, explosions or anything. Luce, are you sure it's Christmas Day?" Lucy nodded, "Yes dad, it's definitely Christmas Day because the cafe's shut."
Then the alarm clock rang. "Oh no," said Ian, "I knew it was too good to be true." As he said this, he heard the sound of arguing, gun shots and a big explosion. "Welcome to Christmas Day in Albert Square," he said to no-one in particular.
Ah a shooting, row, explosion in Albert Square is as christmas as sprouts
You forgot the fake snow.Quote:
Originally Posted by Siobhan
You forgot the fake snow.Quote:
Originally Posted by Siobhan
At the end of Corrie on Christmas Day there will be scenes of snow coming down on the cobbles while Rita is warbling Christmas tunes. My guess this year is 'Have Yourself a very Merry Christmas' while scenes of characters crying in the Rovers, in their homes etc etc.
Yeah Merry bl**dy Christmas Stuart Blackburn you phony creep. It will be a Merry Christmas when you and not the turkey gets stuffed!!!!
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v1...cons/yucky.gif http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v1...ns/whistle.gif
The month is November 2017, more than three years have gone by since the murder of Lucy Beale and the return to the Square of Nick Cotton, who is now training to be a vicar, having seen the error of his ways thanks to the love and support of Dot, who herself has now retired, receiving a big golden handshake from Mr Opodopolous. Lauren and Peter have been married for just over a year and are expecting their second child. Max and Emma have settled down together and have a very stable relationship, though they have yet to set a date for their marriage.
Sadly, Alfie and Kat split up in 2015 after his part in the fire was revealed. But fortunately Kat was able to find love with a new man who was brought into the Square as a new market trader coincidentally just after the break-up. Tamwar has gone back to stand-up and has been a big hit in the local clubs and theatres and is now awaiting his first appearance on Sunday Night at the London Palladium, while his father got married to Jane, who realised she couldn't face life without him. Shabnam and Kush are also married after Shabnam gave up Islam, becoming instead an outspoken atheist.
Fatboy became the market inspector after Aleks went back home with his wife, leaving a distraught Roxy, who spent the first hour after he'd gone sobbing and the second hour in bed with her new man, none other than Ian Beale. Winston and Tracey got married in the wedding of the year back in 2016 and both were given bigger speaking parts becoming major characters, while Phil and Shirley at last got together after Phil realised what a liability Sharon was. Peggy returned in the early part of 2017 and now lives with them.
So, a lot of changes have taken place on the Square over those three and a bit years since Lucy's death.
Meanwhile, over in an upstairs room of the Queen Vic, Mick and Linda are sitting on the sofa. Mick is looking puzzled as he looks at Linda and says, "L, L, I know sumfink's wrong."
"Nah, nuffink, babe. I'm just a bit tired 's'all."
"Nah, L, I know ya, just tell me what's wrong. Is it me?"
"No, babe, it's nuffink to do wiv you. I'm just tired."
"I know, I'll invite Dean and his new girl friend, Abs, over for a cup of tea, that'll cheer you up."
On hearing the name Dean, Linda immediately emits a high piercing scream and starts ripping up the cushions.
"Ok, ok," says Mick quickly, "we don't 'ave to ask Abs rahnd as well. Just Dean, eh?"
Linda stares at him then turns and runs at the window hurling herself out, falling in a heap on the pavement below."
Mick looks out, "L, L, you can talk to me...."
........
Absolutely love it, my better half is wondering what I'm laughing at on the laptop, many thanks for taking the time to put it together. :thumbsup: ::cheer: