credit were credits due that has to be one of the best ones yet alan :rotfl:
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credit were credits due that has to be one of the best ones yet alan :rotfl:
Blonde womans house catches fire. She rings 999 and calls for the Fire BRigade and screams down the phone '' Come quickly my house is on fire''
How do we get there Madam replies the Fire Controller
Blonde replies
IN THE BIG RED TRUCK YOU DUMMY
:rotfl:
A wife, in bed with her lover, heard her husband's key in the lock.
"Just stay where you are," she instructed, "he's always so drunk he won't even notice you."
Sure enough, the husband fell into bed none the wiser, but when he looked down and through his drunken haze saw six feet at the other end, he said, "What's going on here? There are six feet in this bed!"
"Nonsense," said the wife, calmly. "You're so drunk you can't count. Get out of bed and try again from over there."
So her husband staggered from the bed, walked to the foot of it and counted out loud, "One, two, three, four… damn it. You're right!"
that doesn't prove a thing Alan.. good joke though!! :rotfl::rotfl:
oh groan groan :p your right Alan men are stupid. :D
This is just for you Alan, to keep all your funny, blond, sexist, rude joke together.. Have fun and keep posting.. we can all do with a giggle
Awww you are just too kind. :)
I have to try tidy up all your joke threads now alan.. so this is my hard work!! hahaha
That's favourtism that is. You do know everyone will want their own thread now :rotfl:Quote:
Originally Posted by alan45
:rotfl::rotfl: I don't think anyone posts as many as Alan does.. and it makes the place look tidy (that is the mother in me coming out)Quote:
Originally Posted by Chloe O'BrienThat's favourtism that is. You do know everyone will want their own thread now :rotfl:Quote:
Originally Posted by alan45
You dont fancy coming up and tidying this box room I laughingly call a studdy. Its littered with CDs, DVDs, magazines and all sorts of junk that I should have binned ages ago. Everytime I try to tidy it up I go on the net and thats it. Mrs 45 has given me an ultamatim :nono: (4th this week) so I suppose I better mak an effort befrore she gets home:)Quote:
Originally Posted by Siobhan:rotfl::rotfl: I don't think anyone posts as many as Alan does.. and it makes the place look tidy (that is the mother in me coming out)Quote:
Originally Posted by Chloe O'BrienThat's favourtism that is. You do know everyone will want their own thread now :rotfl:Quote:
Originally Posted by alan45
Just hijacking alan45's thread:
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
I don't think Alan will mind you hijacking his thread with that one TM
:rotfl: Love it!!!
classic! I'll be sure to tell that to my female friends tomorrow. :rotfl:Quote:
Originally Posted by alan45
If I get slaps because of it, I'll blame you! :p
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding.
She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for her driver's license.
The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself.
She hands the compact to the blonde cop.
After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says.........
"If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
A sex therapist was having lunch with a friend.
"I just read a survey that said 90% of adults masturbate in the shower; the other 10% sing," said the therapist.
"Really?" asked her friend.
The therapist nodded and asked, "Do you know what song they sing?"
Her friend shook her head, "No."
The therapist replied, "I thought you wouldn't!"
A young guy from The West Country moves to London and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Dorset."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "One."
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for??"
The kid says ''£101,237.65".
The boss says "£101,237.65?? What the heck did you sell??"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a Medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a New fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Shetland Fishing Boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Range Rover
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a Range Rover?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ''Hey man, your weekend's ruined, you should go fishing.''
How To Be Politically Correct When Speaking About Men
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - he has developed a LIQUID STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST - he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - he is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.
6. He is not FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - he become ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - he develops RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - he has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He does not CHEAT ON HIS WIFE - he has MATRIMONIAL ALZHEIMERS.
10. He is not a W***ER - He is an OWNER-OPERATOR.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to
take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," said the game warden as he quickly left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day and St. Peter had to make an announcement: “Heaven is reaching its daily capacity and I have orders to only admit people who have had particularly horrible deaths.”
He turns to the first in line and asks, “So, what's your story?”
The first man replies: “Well, for a while, I’d suspected that my wife was cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her in the act. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, my suspicions were aroused, but for all my searching, I couldn’t find the man I thought might be hiding there. I finally spotted the guy hanging off the balcony, and immediately started kicking and punching, but this guy really hung in there. So I went back inside and got a hammer and proceeded to smash his fingers. This got the ******* off my balcony, but amazingly, he dropped 25 floors and landed in some thick bushes; stunned but okay. When I realized the fall hadn’t finished him, I went back into the apartment, and in my rage, pushed the refrigerator to the balcony and tipped it over the rail right where he had been hanging. The fridge sailed down on top of the sonofabitch and killed him instantly.”
“With all of this rage and stress, I ended up having a heart attack and died right there on the damn balcony, and here I am.”
St. Peter agreed that this was a pretty awful death, and he let the first man in.
The second man related his tale of woe. “It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I slipped on something and fell over the edge. I got lucky, though, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, shaken up, but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here.”
Once again, St. Peter had to concede that that was a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and is asked how he had come to be there. “Picture this,” he says, “I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator...”
A couple was having dinner at home when the wife said, "You know, Fred, when we were first married, you used to take the smaller piece of steak and give me the larger. Now, you take the larger one and leave me the smaller.
"You don't love me any more."
"Nonsense," replied Fred. "You cook better now!"
Fred is expected to fully recover from his injuries in about two weeks. Hehehe!
1. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com
2. "Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than " Pen Island " at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder" at www.therapistfinder.com
5. There's the "Italian Power Generator Company" at www.powergenitalia.com
6. And don't forget the "Mole Station Native Nursery" in New South Wales, Australia, at
http://www.molestationnursery.com/
7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always http://www.ipanywhere.com/
8. The "First Cumming Methodist Church " Web site is www.cummingfirst.com
9. And, finally, the designers at "Speed of Art" await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com/
Lady takes her sick parrot to vet. Vet lays parrot on examination table and listens with stethoscope for a heart beat. Vet hears nothing.
Vet: "Lady, your parrot is dead."
Lady: "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want a second opinion."
Vet brings in Labrador Retriever. Lab jump up on examination table, sniffs parrot from head to claws, looks at Vet and sadly shakes his "no."
Vet: "You see, even the dog knows your parrot is dead."
Lady: "I still can't believe it."
Vet brings in cat and puts cat on examination table. Cat sniffs parrot from one end to the other and back again. Cat looks up at Vet and sadly shakes his head "no."
Lady: "Well, I guess you're right. So, how much do I owe you?"
Vet: "$250."
Lady: "What!? $250 just to tell me my parrot is dead."
Vet: "If you would have believed my opinion in the first place, it would have cost you $20. But with the Lab test and the Cat scan, it comes to $250."
Alan these jokes are getting worse. :rotfl: You're raving bonkers.
I know but sure if you get a laugh thats enoughQuote:
Originally Posted by Chloe O'Brien
Sexual Relations
An elderly couple in their 70s are sitting on their front porch.
They had been sitting there for an hour, not speaking, when the husband said somewhat wistfully, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a bit of a pause, his wife said, "I don't know. I don't even think we got a Xmas card from them this year."
At The Marriage Counsellors
After 25 years of marriage, a man and his wife came in for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in their 25 years of marriage.
She went on and on -- neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable -- a long list of unmet needs in their quarter-century of marriage.
After allowing this go on for a sufficient length of time, the marriage counsellor finally stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.
The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down. The therapist turned to her husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"
The husband thought for a moment, then replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Monday's and Wednesday's, but on the other days I play golf."
oi Alan are u snitching my material now LOL :rotfl: :rotfl:
I will keep sending u some and u can post them here.
have fun .... the jokes will be good therapy for u buddy :D
This was not one of yours Jodi:pQuote:
Originally Posted by JustJodi
You mean to tell us you have been knicking other peoples jokes all this time. Shockarooney Alan :rotfl:
Two English men in a pub
One of them farts very loudly and the other one says, "Sir, you just passed wind before my wife!"
The other one says, "Sorry, old bean -- I didn't realize it was her turn!"
A drunk got on the bus. He reeled down the aisle and flopped down by a very prim lady. She said, "You know you're headed straight for hell?"
With a start the drunk screamed, "Oh my Gawd ... I'm on the wrong bus!"
A guy is real drunk and gets home real late. Trying to avoid the little woman, he parks a block away from his home. He takes off his shoes as he walks up the stairs, careful not to make a noise. He quietly opens the door and tiptoes into the room, when BAM, he gets hit by a frying pan.
Telling the story to a friend the next day at the local watering hole, his best friend sadly shakes his head and says, "Boy are you ignert!! Now here's how I do it. When I get rip roaring drunk, I go borrow my bud's low rider Harley and go screamin up and down my block a couple of times a hootin and a hollerin. I take the Harley right up on the porch and then start screamin and a cussin. I slam open the door and scream, 'I'm the man of the house and I want some sex right now' !!"
And you know what's amazin' ... my wife's always asleep."
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought that might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, she quickly went to it, opened the door and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, started to cuddle him a little and rubbing his body sexily. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. Why don't we head upstairs to bed now and play around for awhile? Wouldn't that be nice?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
An extraordinarily handsome Scotsman decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
"They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place," said the farmer. "Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The Scotsman dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the Scotsman, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the Scotsman date one of his other daughters; so the Scotsman went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the Scotsman replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date his third daughter to see if things might be better.
So the Scotsman did.
The next morning the Scotsman rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the Scotsman visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen
considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Home and the assembly room was packed because none other than The Amazing Claude, the world's greatest hypnotist, was heading the evening's entertainment. The lights dimmed, the spotlight lit the stage as The Amazing Claude came out.
"I'm here to put you into a trance," said the Amazing Claude. "I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as The Amazing Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations," said The Amazing Claude, and then began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
"****!" said The Amazing Claude ...
... It took three days to clean up the Old Folks Home
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Mary, who was looking Maintenance He said to Paddy, "I have decided to give your wife £400 a month for support."
"Well, dat's fine, Judge," said Paddy. "And once in a while I'll try to chip in a few quid, meself."
****
Mary and Mick got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Dublin when Ole put his hand onMary's knee.
Giggling, Mary said, "Mick, you can go a little farther now if you want to."
So Mick drove to Cork.
Two Irish hunters from Mayo got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck Paddy says to Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yaaah I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Man working in bakery was conforted by his boss concering that he had been using his false teeth to mark the pies.
"why don't you use your tool" the boss asked
"Oh I use that for the doughnuts" the worker says.
Jack was at the golf club for his weekly round of golf and what a round it was: he began with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on two. On three, he scored his first hole-in-one.
Then his mobile rang. It was his doctor, who said, "Your wife has been in a terrible accident and is in critical condition in the Intensive Care Unit."
"I'll be there as soon as possible!" said Jack ...but as he hung up, he realized this might just the best round of golf of his life. "Maybe just a couple more holes wouldn't hurt," he thought.
By the time he finished the eighteenth hole, he had shattered the club record with a 61! Although jubilant, he also felt guilty about ignoring his wife. He dashed into the hospital and found the doctor in the corridor.
"Doc! I got here as fast as I could. How is she?"
The doctor glared at him. "You *******! You finished your round of golf, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out there enjoying yourself, Annie has languished in the ICU! For the rest of her life, she's going to require fulltime medical care ....from you!"
Jack felt so guilty that he broke down in tears.
The doctor snickered. "Nah, just kidding! She died two hours ago. How'd you play?"
Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Bush saying, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news." Says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great." said the surgeon
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors"
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side affects."
"Well just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection I also get a headache!"
A lady walks into a high class Jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price"