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ham bush, ham bush :rotfl: I can't believe I fell for that one
I have a long joke about a rabbit, lion, griaffe and elephant. It has four references to drugs, just the names, not anything major. Can I post it? Just wanted to check before I do it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jelly belly
should be ok think ive hear it before post it and if is not appropriate i'll move it to the mile high
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he
stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at
her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with
me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much
better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses
it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit
again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this?
Think about your health. Come running with us through the
pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all,
and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit
and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up...
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health!
Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so
good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts
to beat the **** out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him
and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely
trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little ****** makes me run around
the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
Just gotta say, loved the ham-bush joke, JoJo! :thumbsup:
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HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
a. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
b. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
c. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
d. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
e. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
f. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
g. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later
h. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat’s head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with a pencil and blow down straw.
i. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply a Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
j. Retrieve the cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with a dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with an elastic band.
k. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on its hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch another one from bedroom.
l. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the *********g cat from a tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
m. Tie the little b******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind lightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat’s throat to wash down pill.
n. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
o. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
a. Wrap it in bacon.
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I'm not sure I completely agree with the dog part, though. Usually it works but sometimes my dog manages to very niftily unwrap it with his tongue, spit the pill out, and swallow the bacon (usually without chewing, so most of the time he has a choking fit afterwards, meaning we have to sit there patting him on the back like we're burping a baby), in about 2 seconds.
Apart from that, it's very simple.. :D
Sorry about the swearwords. :o
:rotfl: :rotfl: oh my word. We used to have a dog and he was on tablets, we were told by the vet to either hide the pill in his dog food,so we tried it but he just eat the dog food in his bowl and left the tablet. So we tried to prize open his mouth throw the tablet in and hold his mouth closed for a couple of minutes hoping that he would have swalloed the dam thing. Once you let go of his mouth he used to spit the pill back out. :lol:
LOL. I had to try the exact same thing with my dog! He just pushed it out of the sides of his mouth with his tongue, so we had to cover every little bit to make sure there were no weak spots, tip his head up, and rub his throat to make it go down! He used to try and escape so I had to restrain him with one hand while making sure that he couldn't spit the pill out with the other. :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by Chloe O'Brien
He also did the same thing - and left the pill in the bottom of his food bowl.
Now, we've discovered that the most effective way is to roll it in gravy. The stupid dog REFUSED to swallow it when it was wrapped up in a nice bit of meat, but all you had to do was roll it in a little bit of gravy and he swallowed it down straight away, like it was a biscuit or something!
Also, I was reading 'Marley and Me' by John Grogan, the other day and he wrote that the best way to get Marley to swallow a pill was to throw it on the floor and pretend he wasn't suppose to eat it, lol. :D
But that's enough about dogs.. :o
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In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed
distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he
could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which
the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look
on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood
frozen thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with
his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son
Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off
the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if
this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his
way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared
back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him
instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
I think you may have been right there about it not being the same elephant :lol:
A man walks into a bar with his dog and tells the bartender his dog is an ironmonger. "Prove it" says the bartender. So the man sticks a red hot poker up the dog's a**e and it makes a bolt for the door.
What's yellow and smells of banana?
Monkey puke.
Being the owners of two phsyco cats, the cat joke had me crying with laughter!!
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
CS: "What sort of trouble?"
C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
CS: "Went away?"
C: "They disappeared."
CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
C: "Nothing."
CS: "Nothing?"
C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
C: "How do I tell?"
CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
C: "What's a sea-prompt?"
CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
C: "What's a monitor?"
CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
C: "I don't know."
CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
C: "Yes, I think so."
CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
C: ".......Yes, it is."
CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
C: "No."
CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
C: ".......Okay, here it is."
CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
C: "No."
CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
CS: "Dark?"
C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."
C: "I can't."
CS: "No? Why not?"
C: "Because there's a power outage."
CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
C: "Really? Is it that bad?"
CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
:eek:
Just a reminder........
Why Parents Have Gray Hair
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!
LMAO!!! These sure are some brilliant jokes! Loving them all thank-you Londoner!
Hilarious! Thanks for brightening up my day :)
A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.
Nahh" said the bloke,
"I'm just a really bad conductor"
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
Oh my word these are getting worse :rotfl:
Yeah sorry about that, i know they are getting worse, will find some better ones and post them soon.
:thumbsup: :thumbsup:
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.":thumbsup:
A man walks into a bar, orders the bartender for two beers. He continues this for several nights and the bartender got a bit curious. The bartender walks up to him and asks "Sir, why do you always ask for two drinks?" the man replies, "I used to come here with my best friend but now he's dead. And I'm drinking the second beer on his behalf." A few days later, the man orders only for 1 beer. Curious, the bartender asks him," why only 1 beer now sir?" man replies, "I have given up drinking!"
Two guys in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. One guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps". The other guy takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping. The guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. The loser says "Well I saw it too but I didn't think he would jump again"
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pi**ed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!" Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."
Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have. Jim and Edna were both
patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the
hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank
to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to
save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she
said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are
being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis
by jumping in and saving the life of another that you have a sound mind.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?"
__________________________________________________ ___
(This one is a bit rude)
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
:rotfl: lol there funny, I love the 2nd one
lol :rotfl: the second one was funny
A visitor to a mental insitution asked the director how he decides, which patients should be kept in. The director said "We fill up a bath, then we offer the patient a teaspoon, a tea cup or a bucket" and ask them to empty the bathtub. The visitor said " Oh I see, a normal person would choose the bucket because it's the biggest" The director replied "No a normal person would pull the f**king plug out" Would you like a bed near the window.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chloe O'Brien
Oh thats a good one!!! :rotfl: :thumbsup:
my dauhter told me this joke today......
Why do only 10% of men go to heaven?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
because if all of them went it would be hell!!!
This ones a little rude:
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A cannibal captured three men. He said to each of them "Go and collect ten pieces of fruit. Come back here and stick them up your bum. If you can put all ten pieces up your bum withought showing any emotion, I'll let you go. If you show emotion I'll kill you."
The first man went off and collected 10 apples. On the 5th apple he winced, so the cannibal killed him.
The second man went off and collected 10 grapes. On the 9th grape he laughed, so the cannibal killed him.
Back in heaven, the first man said to the second man "Why did you laugh? You could have lived!!"
The second man replied "I couldn't help it, I saw the third man collecting pineapples"
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
Lol Now I like that one :)Quote:
Originally Posted by pookie1968uk
And its very true
Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someon made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery, where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies:
"The word was...
CELEBRATE!!!"
:lol: :rotfl: Very funny, like it.:thumbsup:
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
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The head Nun of the convent called all 100 Nuns into the foyer for an emergency meeting.
"Last night," She started "I found something terrible in one of the sisters rooms."
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"
"A condom!" said the head Nun.
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"
Head Nun "And it was used!"
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"
Head Nun "And it had a hole in it!"
1 Nun "Oh no"
99 Nuns "He, he"
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the Intensive Care Unit. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice, complimentary, from the last shop.
She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he
will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'
Thank you so much for that. Its the first laugh I've had in ages.Quote:
Originally Posted by Perdita
I met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bull*********d a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf." and she said
"Take a sweater."
Don gets home late one night and his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'
Don replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'
'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'
'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust.
'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'
'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'
Don is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.