View Full Version : Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"
exhiday09
26-12-2009, 19:05
Haha....
I was so not being serious when I said to make another thread, but whatever.
I just thought we were straying too much.
That being said.... If I ever get the urge to write an Atlus Online based fan fic... Ill post it up here.
Haha....
I was so not being serious when I said to make another thread, but whatever.
I just thought we were straying too much.
That being said.... If I ever get the urge to write an Atlus Online based fan fic... Ill post it up here.
What is this post about?!
Haha....
I was so not being serious when I said to make another thread, but whatever.
I just thought we were straying too much.
That being said.... If I ever get the urge to write an Atlus Online based fan fic... Ill post it up here.
What is this post about?!
Just have a look at some of his/her other posts and the word TROLL springs to mind
Troll or someone with psychological problems ...
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks
into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a
room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks
into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the
four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24"
stomach and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My
God."
Five surgeons were discussing which profession provided the best patients to operate on.
The first says: “I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second responds: “Yeah, but you should try Electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded.”
The third says: “No, I really think Librarians are the best, Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth chimes in: “You know, I like Construction workers. These guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no Guts, no Heart, no Balls, no brains, and no Spine, and there are only 2 moving parts – the Mouth and the Backside, which are both interchangeable.”
DurIng a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland
It was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied
''Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to
be at least 8 characters long and include one capital.''
Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish!
The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mixup
the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.. The Pope explains the situation to the
administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits
that there is an error. "However," the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified."
Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the
Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.
"Sorry about the mixup," apologies the Pope.
"No problem," replied Tiger Woods,
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven."
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
Tiger: "You're a day late."
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with asingle gesture, brings the two to life
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues
After fifteen minutes , the two return, out of breath and laughing The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you sh!t on its head.'
----------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING
A man (Bert) feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to
and
He thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to
discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In
the study.
He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's
for Dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
For dear sake 'Bert , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
:rotfl: Brilliant and unexpected punchline :rotfl:
CrazyLea
12-02-2010, 15:20
:rotfl: That made me crack up.
Chloe O'brien
13-02-2010, 02:10
Alan your going to burn in hell for your jokes. You know that. :lol:
moonstorm
13-02-2010, 08:27
And so will you Chloe for reading them :lol::lol:
Chloe O'brien
14-02-2010, 01:59
And so will you Chloe for reading them :lol::lol:
Yeah I know. But at least I'll have company with you buggers on here. :D
A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted
island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to
the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his
arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful
woman the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly
nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night
of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in
and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young
woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?
I'm very offended 'cos I'm Welsh!! :rotfl: :rotfl:
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night,! He hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh!t
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls
into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she
sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about
her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your
brother from Cork came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew.
Chloe O'brien
07-03-2010, 02:06
Tell me one thing how can you get away with disrespecting the Prime Minister, the Welsh and Irish and still be allowed to post on this board. :D
moonstorm
07-03-2010, 18:29
Well he is obviously a person of good taste, well so far he's left the Scots alone. :cheer:
Well he is obviouslya person of good taste, well so far he's left the Scots alone. :cheer:
No I havent
http://www.soapboards.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?63562-Just-for-Alan-The-Alan45-Joke-Thread&p=695308#post695308
moonstorm
07-03-2010, 21:39
Haha, just as well, we don't like being left out!!
Blonde goes to Heaven
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...
Worse ...
you're now singing it to yourself !
As a blond I knew all those answers
PLEASE DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon.
They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom
removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww what's wrong with your feet?
Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued
undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again
wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked.
"They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing
continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess . Smallcox?
HOT & COLD SEX
After his examination the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'
'Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
Why was the Adobe Acrobat arrested
Because he was a PDF File
Chloe O'brien
17-09-2010, 09:21
Alan your jokes are getting sicker :lol:
How to get to Heaven - in Ireland
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, And loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'No!'.
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
A six year-old boy shouted out 'YUV GOTTAE BE FOCKN'DEAD..........'
An Irish Ghost story
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car
and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel
and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the
road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging
for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out
of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with
terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or
harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so,
gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of
breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible
experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and
wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and
stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking
around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the
other....
Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were
pushing it!!!!'
Chloe O'brien
19-11-2010, 10:20
Fecking hell that's classic :rotfl:
That is brilliant.. I love it!!!
moonstorm
19-11-2010, 10:50
Classic, classic - brilliant!! :clap::clap:
Fecking hell that's classic :rotfl:
That is brilliant.. I love it!!!
Classic, classic - brilliant!! :clap::clap:
And supposedly true!!!!!
moonstorm
19-11-2010, 10:56
I wouldn't doubt that for a moment. :lol:
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day,every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched hm pray and after about 45 minutes, as he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir. I'm Rebeca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years," said Morris.
"Sixty years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims," said Morris. "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" asked Ms. Smith.
"Like I'm talking to a f*cking brick wall!"
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of knickers.
St Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins......
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London . Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking ‘cause if they hear our accents, they might think we’re thicko’s from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on my best English accent.”
“Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business” said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2..00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load ‘em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."
Its 2012 Olympics in London. Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman want to get in but don't have tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate, "Mcleish,Scotland, discus" he says, and walks in. The Englishman puts a scaffolding pole over his shoulder, "Jones, England, pole vault" he says, and walks in. The Irishman picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm, "O'Leary, Ireland, fencing"
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a
Wispa.
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!
I've heard that before but it still makes me chuckle reading it.
Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. Next day the farmer said, Sorry Paddy, the donkey died. Paddy replied, No problem, ill have my money back. The farmer said, ive spent it. Paddy said, Ok then, bring me the dead donkey. Farmer asked, What are you going to do with it? Paddy said, Im going to raffle him off. Farmer said, You cant raffle a dead donkey! Paddy said, Watch me.. I just wont tell anybody hes dead. A month later, the farmer met Paddy and asked, What happened to the dead donkey? Paddy said, I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 a piece and made a profit of £898.00. The farmer said, Didnt anyone complain? Paddy said, Just the guy that won, So I gave him his two pound back.
:D
Irish Mirror
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life,
An old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring
Back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on
The way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
The shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there
And look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found
The
mirror............................................ ..........................
................
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's
runnin' around with.'
Paddy goes on a talent show claiming he can count as quick as lightning.The host of the show sits him down in front of a swarm of ants in a glass case."You have 30 seconds to count these ants," he says, "starting NOW.""3,138," says Paddy after one second."Wow! That's correct!" says the host. "How on earth did you do that?""Easy," says Paddy, "I counted the legs and divided by six."
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right ?"Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left it."
2 men, 1 woman and the cultures of the world
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a
shipwreck:
· 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
· 2 French men and 1 French woman
· 2 German men and 1 German woman
· 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
· 2 English men and 1 English woman
· 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
· 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
· 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
· 2 Aussie men and 1 Aussie woman
· 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
Then........one month later.......on these same absolutely stunning deserted
islands, in the middle of nowhere, things have turned out as
follows:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-*-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, an off licence, a restaurant,
and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two Aussie men are contemplating the virtues of suicide; because the
Aussie woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're
satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
ENGLISH COW
*
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in England quite cheaply. They brought the cow from England . It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in England ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from England ..
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from England ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye :
"My wife is from England "
*
*
AIRLINE HOSTESS.....
*
A GUY IS SITTING IN THE BAR IN DEPARTURES AT A BUSY AIRPORT.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because
she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to
have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto, 'We love to fly and it shows'.
*
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. 'Winning the hearts of the world'.
*
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. 'Going beyond expectations'.
*
The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f... do you want?'
'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "Ryanair."
*
Golf Club Membership Application
An elderly Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf.
So he applied for membership at a local golf club.
About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.
So he went to the club to inquire as to why:
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scot: Aye, and neither do I.
Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?
Scot: Aye, I also do the same.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Scot: Aye, I be that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.
Scot: Ach, away with ya, ma'am. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Teacozy !' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, my name is Sarkozy he replied. How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no ********n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
Tiger Woods& Stevie Wonder are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now." Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?" Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years." Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see ? Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." But, "how do you putt" asks Tiger. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."Tiger asks, "What's your handicap? Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?" Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for
that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
> Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."
Europe*in a "few" words*
*
Pythagoras' theorem - 24 words.
Lord's Prayer - 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle - 67 words.
10 Commandments - 179 words.
Gettysburg*address - 286 words.
US Declaration of* Independence*- 1,300 words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments - 7,818 words.
EU regulations on the sale of cabbage - 26,911 words
Man in Pub to pal
'' My wife is so fat that the last time she fell down the stairs I thought it was the end of Eastenders''
Oh I see a facebook status coming up.. hahahahahaha
Oh I see a facebook status coming up.. hahahahahaha
Thats why I said it was two men in a pub
parkerman
23-06-2012, 17:02
A passenger arrives at Athens Airport Passport Control...
Immigration Officer: "Name?"
Passenger: "Angela Merkel"
Immigration Officer: "Nationality?"
Angela Merkel:"German"
Immigration Officer: "Occupation?"
Angela Merkel:"No, just a few days."
Golfing In Ireland
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know," said the Lebrechaun. "And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a priest in a small parish."
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen”
Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back: "OK, now the computer doesn't work at all."
1st Blond GUY Joke
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blond Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch when the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building!"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too!"
The blond guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too!"
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife, who said, "Don't look at me. He made his own lunches."
1st Blond GUY Joke
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blond Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch when the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building!"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too!"
The blond guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too!"
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife, who said, "Don't look at me. He made his own lunches."
deadlydave2
08-12-2013, 21:37
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/s403x403/1462981_372528679560330_1669771027_n.jpg
do pictures count?
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