View Full Version : Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"
1. Sex Drive
A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right is! said the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
2. The Nurse
A nurse walks into a bank preparing to sign a cheque. When she gets to the counter, she reaches in her pocket, pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake she says, "Well that's great ... just great ... Some asshole's got my pen."
Chris_2k11
22-01-2007, 10:35
hahaha good one alan :bow:
oh alan i thought they couldnt get any worse....but you've proved me wrong yet again :lol:
Chloe O'brien
22-01-2007, 11:10
"Some ass hole got my pen :rotfl: just the laugh I need to brighten up a Monday
oh alan i thought they couldnt get any worse....but you've proved me wrong yet again :lol:
Oh I have a lot worse than tha believe me:ninja:
oh alan i thought they couldnt get any worse....but you've proved me wrong yet again :lol:
Oh I have a lot worse than tha believe me:ninja:
I know you're dying to post you're Jade Goody jokes :D
oh alan i thought they couldnt get any worse....but you've proved me wrong yet again :lol:
Oh I have a lot worse than tha believe me:ninja:
I know you're dying to post you're Jade Goody jokes :D
She posted them all herself in that interview in the News of the World yesterday
Out Fishing
George and his dad were out fishing one day when George pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches he asked his dad for a light.
"Sure," said his dad. "I think I have a lighter." Then, reaching into his tackle box he pulled out a Bic lighter 10-inches long.
"Jimminy Cricket!" exclaimed George, taking the huge Big lighter in his hands. "Where did you get that monster?" he asked.
"Well," replied his dad, "I got it from my Genie."
"You have a Genie in your tackel box?" asked George.
"Yep, it's right here in my tackle box," said his dad.
"Could I see him?" asked George.
So his dad opened his tackle box and, sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, George says, "I'm the son of your master, will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes, I will," says the Genie.
So George asks for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving George sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks George yells to his dad, "Jumpin' Jimminy! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
"I forgot to tell you that the Genie is hard of hearing," yells back George's dad. "You don't think I really asked for a 10-inch Bic, do you?"
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of the season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven on this holy day."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a holy candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates. "Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells"
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
"What do these symbolize?" Saint Peter asked.
The man replied, "They're Carol's"
***********************************
Postman Joke
It was George the Postmans last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same village. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, bacon, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a fiver sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said: "Screw him. Give him a fiver."
The breakfast was my idea..."
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got into his car and crossed her legs, causing her habit to reveal a bit of leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand, but, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the rectory, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of this story If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
:rotfl: :rotfl:
I bet he was gutted!!!!! He should have known his Psalms!!!!
di marco
02-02-2007, 20:03
lol thats great, really funny! :D
Chloe O'brien
02-02-2007, 23:15
As a good catholic girl I believe that priest are thick as mince :rotfl:
At The Bar
Ted was drinking in a bar when the guy sitting beside him fell off his stool.
Ted helped him back up, but soon he fell off again.
"How about if I take you home, buddy?" asked Ted.
The drunk agreed.
On the way to the car, he fell twice more.
When Ted got him home, the poor man fell again just walking up the sidewalk.
Ted rang the bell and a woman answered the door.
Ted said, "Ma'am, your husband was too drunk to come home on his own, so I drove him."
She looked puzzled. "Where's his wheelchair?"
oh alan thats really bad - infact i have to say that has to be one of your worst :rotfl:
Chloe O'brien
21-02-2007, 12:26
You're a very sick man Alan :rotfl:
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
OMG Alan that has to be your worst but your best one yet!!
DaVeyWaVey
22-02-2007, 19:44
:rotfl: Lol that is really funny Alan but quite bad too!
Dave mate - I know its only a couple of weeks to your birthday, but you are supposed to be 16 to be replying (or even looking at) threads/posts contained within Mile High Club...:)
DaVeyWaVey
22-02-2007, 22:06
Dave mate - I know its only a couple of weeks to your birthday, but you are supposed to be 16 to be replying (or even looking at) threads/posts contained within Mile High Club...:)
Ooops sorry! I completely forgot this was a 16+ thread..sorry..:o
Tricks
A few years back, in a small Texas town, the local madam also operated the local telephone service.
When the police finally arrested her, they found her book of "talent." Each police officer was then assigned to investigate some "girls" from her book.
After a week, the Chief summoned each cop to report his findings.
"Detective Smith, what did you learn about the hookers on your list?"
"Chief, I'm sorry, but I need to disqualify myself," said Smith. "One of the women I interviewed is eighty-four years old and so charming that I have fallen in love with her."
"Dammit, boy!" shouted the Chief. "I'm surprised at you. You've been a cop for 25 years and here you go, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"
Chloe O'brien
23-02-2007, 12:16
Oh my word they're getting worse Alan :lol:
Oh gawd Alan - I actually groaned out loud at that one!! :rotfl: :rotfl:
Keep them coming!! :rotfl:
Chloe O'brien
23-02-2007, 23:34
Listen pal you'd better improve you're joke telling when you come to Scotland or we may have to throw you in the loch with concrete boots on. :rotfl:
A Hankerin'
The old prospector walked his old mule into a western town after six months alone in the desert without a drop of whiskey. He stopped at the first saloon he came to and tied his mule to the hitching rail.
As he stood there brushing off the dust, a gunslinger came out of the saloon with his gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. He looked at the old man and laughed. "Hey, old man! Have you ever danced?"
The prospector said, "Nope. Never had no hankerin' to."
The gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the man's feet.
Everybody laughed as the poor old prospector hopped around the street.
When the gunslinger's weapon was empty, he holstered it, and headed back into the saloon.
The prospector grabbed his shotgun from the mule's pack and cocked both hammers. Everyone heard the loud click, including the gunslinger and the street got real quiet, real fast.
The gunslinger slowly turned around and found himself staring straight down the shotgun's barrels.
The prospector quietly asked him, "So, young man! Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and then said, "Nope. But I always had a hankerin' to!"
:rotfl:
You're right Alan, not quite as bad a joke as normal...they're getting better! :rotfl: :rotfl:
:rotfl:
Thats so bad, Alan!!
Chloe O'brien
24-02-2007, 22:45
Alan were on earth are you finding these terrible jokes. I can't beleive I'm laughing at them.
Mature Couple
An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later, she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the covers and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Chloe O'brien
01-03-2007, 11:50
:rotfl: :rotfl: oh my word Alan you're killing me. Anyway I've a joke for you so I'm invading you're thread.
Two dwarfs were on a night out and met up with too girls at a night club. the girls took the dwarfs home with them. In the bed the first dwarf was frustrated and angry as no matter how hard he was trying he couldn't get a hard on. Things didn't help when all he could here coming from the room next door was his mate shouting 1,2,3 here I come again.
The next morning the dwarfs were having breakfast and the 1st dwarf was in a foul mood, his mate asked him what the matter was. The 1st dwarf told him, the 2nd dwarf said to him you think that's bad. I spent all bloddy night trying to climb up on to the bed.
Aussie Humour - A Touching Tale
A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Parramatta, New South Wales courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
CrazyLea
08-03-2007, 17:17
:rotfl:
I like that one :D
.....................
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
Eighty percent held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the Minister.
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" implored the Minister.
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and, in a clear, strong voice, said: "I outlived the bitches."
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :lol: :lol: :lol:
very good i liked that one!!!!
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for
some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused,
explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry', says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any!'
'But I always buy it here,' says the blonde
'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the
pharmacist.
'YES', said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.' She
returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist
who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant'
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container.........
.....(Wait for it).....
..
..
'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'
OMG!!!!
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
That is the funniest thing I've heard in ages Alan!!! :clap: :rotfl:
CrazyLea
16-03-2007, 22:22
Lmao, that is pretty funny! Good one. :rotfl:
Technology Breakthrough
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Chloe O'brien
27-03-2007, 12:44
oohh Alan that's terrible :lol: you're getting worse.
oohh Alan that's terrible :lol: you're getting worse.
Too much time on my hands. Im going stir crazy at home
credit were credits due that has to be one of the best ones yet alan :rotfl:
Blonde womans house catches fire. She rings 999 and calls for the Fire BRigade and screams down the phone '' Come quickly my house is on fire''
How do we get there Madam replies the Fire Controller
Blonde replies
IN THE BIG RED TRUCK YOU DUMMY
:rotfl:
A wife, in bed with her lover, heard her husband's key in the lock.
"Just stay where you are," she instructed, "he's always so drunk he won't even notice you."
Sure enough, the husband fell into bed none the wiser, but when he looked down and through his drunken haze saw six feet at the other end, he said, "What's going on here? There are six feet in this bed!"
"Nonsense," said the wife, calmly. "You're so drunk you can't count. Get out of bed and try again from over there."
So her husband staggered from the bed, walked to the foot of it and counted out loud, "One, two, three, four… damn it. You're right!"
that doesn't prove a thing Alan.. good joke though!! :rotfl::rotfl:
Chloe O'brien
28-03-2007, 12:20
oh groan groan :p your right Alan men are stupid. :D
This is just for you Alan, to keep all your funny, blond, sexist, rude joke together.. Have fun and keep posting.. we can all do with a giggle
Awww you are just too kind. :)
I have to try tidy up all your joke threads now alan.. so this is my hard work!! hahaha
Chloe O'brien
28-03-2007, 12:55
Awww you are just too kind. :)
That's favourtism that is. You do know everyone will want their own thread now :rotfl:
Awww you are just too kind. :)
That's favourtism that is. You do know everyone will want their own thread now :rotfl:
:rotfl::rotfl: I don't think anyone posts as many as Alan does.. and it makes the place look tidy (that is the mother in me coming out)
Awww you are just too kind. :)
That's favourtism that is. You do know everyone will want their own thread now :rotfl:
:rotfl::rotfl: I don't think anyone posts as many as Alan does.. and it makes the place look tidy (that is the mother in me coming out)
You dont fancy coming up and tidying this box room I laughingly call a studdy. Its littered with CDs, DVDs, magazines and all sorts of junk that I should have binned ages ago. Everytime I try to tidy it up I go on the net and thats it. Mrs 45 has given me an ultamatim :nono: (4th this week) so I suppose I better mak an effort befrore she gets home:)
Just hijacking alan45's thread:
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
I don't think Alan will mind you hijacking his thread with that one TM
:rotfl: Love it!!!
Technology Breakthrough
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
classic! I'll be sure to tell that to my female friends tomorrow. :rotfl:
If I get slaps because of it, I'll blame you! :p
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding.
She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for her driver's license.
The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself.
She hands the compact to the blonde cop.
After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says.........
"If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
A sex therapist was having lunch with a friend.
"I just read a survey that said 90% of adults masturbate in the shower; the other 10% sing," said the therapist.
"Really?" asked her friend.
The therapist nodded and asked, "Do you know what song they sing?"
Her friend shook her head, "No."
The therapist replied, "I thought you wouldn't!"
A young guy from The West Country moves to London and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Dorset."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "One."
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for??"
The kid says ''£101,237.65".
The boss says "£101,237.65?? What the heck did you sell??"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a Medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a New fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Shetland Fishing Boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Range Rover
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a Range Rover?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ''Hey man, your weekend's ruined, you should go fishing.''
How To Be Politically Correct When Speaking About Men
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - he has developed a LIQUID STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST - he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - he is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.
6. He is not FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - he become ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - he develops RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - he has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He does not CHEAT ON HIS WIFE - he has MATRIMONIAL ALZHEIMERS.
10. He is not a W***ER - He is an OWNER-OPERATOR.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to
take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," said the game warden as he quickly left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day and St. Peter had to make an announcement: “Heaven is reaching its daily capacity and I have orders to only admit people who have had particularly horrible deaths.”
He turns to the first in line and asks, “So, what's your story?”
The first man replies: “Well, for a while, I’d suspected that my wife was cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her in the act. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, my suspicions were aroused, but for all my searching, I couldn’t find the man I thought might be hiding there. I finally spotted the guy hanging off the balcony, and immediately started kicking and punching, but this guy really hung in there. So I went back inside and got a hammer and proceeded to smash his fingers. This got the ******* off my balcony, but amazingly, he dropped 25 floors and landed in some thick bushes; stunned but okay. When I realized the fall hadn’t finished him, I went back into the apartment, and in my rage, pushed the refrigerator to the balcony and tipped it over the rail right where he had been hanging. The fridge sailed down on top of the sonofabitch and killed him instantly.”
“With all of this rage and stress, I ended up having a heart attack and died right there on the damn balcony, and here I am.”
St. Peter agreed that this was a pretty awful death, and he let the first man in.
The second man related his tale of woe. “It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I slipped on something and fell over the edge. I got lucky, though, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, shaken up, but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here.”
Once again, St. Peter had to concede that that was a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and is asked how he had come to be there. “Picture this,” he says, “I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator...”
A couple was having dinner at home when the wife said, "You know, Fred, when we were first married, you used to take the smaller piece of steak and give me the larger. Now, you take the larger one and leave me the smaller.
"You don't love me any more."
"Nonsense," replied Fred. "You cook better now!"
Fred is expected to fully recover from his injuries in about two weeks. Hehehe!
1. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com
2. "Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than " Pen Island " at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder" at www.therapistfinder.com
5. There's the "Italian Power Generator Company" at www.powergenitalia.com
6. And don't forget the "Mole Station Native Nursery" in New South Wales, Australia, at
http://www.molestationnursery.com/
7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always http://www.ipanywhere.com/
8. The "First Cumming Methodist Church " Web site is www.cummingfirst.com
9. And, finally, the designers at "Speed of Art" await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com/
Lady takes her sick parrot to vet. Vet lays parrot on examination table and listens with stethoscope for a heart beat. Vet hears nothing.
Vet: "Lady, your parrot is dead."
Lady: "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want a second opinion."
Vet brings in Labrador Retriever. Lab jump up on examination table, sniffs parrot from head to claws, looks at Vet and sadly shakes his "no."
Vet: "You see, even the dog knows your parrot is dead."
Lady: "I still can't believe it."
Vet brings in cat and puts cat on examination table. Cat sniffs parrot from one end to the other and back again. Cat looks up at Vet and sadly shakes his head "no."
Lady: "Well, I guess you're right. So, how much do I owe you?"
Vet: "$250."
Lady: "What!? $250 just to tell me my parrot is dead."
Vet: "If you would have believed my opinion in the first place, it would have cost you $20. But with the Lab test and the Cat scan, it comes to $250."
Chloe O'brien
07-04-2007, 17:51
Alan these jokes are getting worse. :rotfl: You're raving bonkers.
Alan these jokes are getting worse. :rotfl: You're raving bonkers.
I know but sure if you get a laugh thats enough
Sexual Relations
An elderly couple in their 70s are sitting on their front porch.
They had been sitting there for an hour, not speaking, when the husband said somewhat wistfully, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a bit of a pause, his wife said, "I don't know. I don't even think we got a Xmas card from them this year."
At The Marriage Counsellors
After 25 years of marriage, a man and his wife came in for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in their 25 years of marriage.
She went on and on -- neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable -- a long list of unmet needs in their quarter-century of marriage.
After allowing this go on for a sufficient length of time, the marriage counsellor finally stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.
The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down. The therapist turned to her husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"
The husband thought for a moment, then replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Monday's and Wednesday's, but on the other days I play golf."
JustJodi
19-04-2007, 13:11
oi Alan are u snitching my material now LOL :rotfl: :rotfl:
I will keep sending u some and u can post them here.
have fun .... the jokes will be good therapy for u buddy :D
oi Alan are u snitching my material now LOL :rotfl: :rotfl:
I will keep sending u some and u can post them here.
have fun .... the jokes will be good therapy for u buddy :D
This was not one of yours Jodi:p
Chloe O'brien
19-04-2007, 22:45
You mean to tell us you have been knicking other peoples jokes all this time. Shockarooney Alan :rotfl:
Two English men in a pub
One of them farts very loudly and the other one says, "Sir, you just passed wind before my wife!"
The other one says, "Sorry, old bean -- I didn't realize it was her turn!"
A drunk got on the bus. He reeled down the aisle and flopped down by a very prim lady. She said, "You know you're headed straight for hell?"
With a start the drunk screamed, "Oh my Gawd ... I'm on the wrong bus!"
A guy is real drunk and gets home real late. Trying to avoid the little woman, he parks a block away from his home. He takes off his shoes as he walks up the stairs, careful not to make a noise. He quietly opens the door and tiptoes into the room, when BAM, he gets hit by a frying pan.
Telling the story to a friend the next day at the local watering hole, his best friend sadly shakes his head and says, "Boy are you ignert!! Now here's how I do it. When I get rip roaring drunk, I go borrow my bud's low rider Harley and go screamin up and down my block a couple of times a hootin and a hollerin. I take the Harley right up on the porch and then start screamin and a cussin. I slam open the door and scream, 'I'm the man of the house and I want some sex right now' !!"
And you know what's amazin' ... my wife's always asleep."
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought that might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, she quickly went to it, opened the door and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, started to cuddle him a little and rubbing his body sexily. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. Why don't we head upstairs to bed now and play around for awhile? Wouldn't that be nice?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
An extraordinarily handsome Scotsman decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
"They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place," said the farmer. "Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The Scotsman dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the Scotsman, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the Scotsman date one of his other daughters; so the Scotsman went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the Scotsman replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date his third daughter to see if things might be better.
So the Scotsman did.
The next morning the Scotsman rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the Scotsman visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen
considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Home and the assembly room was packed because none other than The Amazing Claude, the world's greatest hypnotist, was heading the evening's entertainment. The lights dimmed, the spotlight lit the stage as The Amazing Claude came out.
"I'm here to put you into a trance," said the Amazing Claude. "I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as The Amazing Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations," said The Amazing Claude, and then began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
"****!" said The Amazing Claude ...
... It took three days to clean up the Old Folks Home
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Mary, who was looking Maintenance He said to Paddy, "I have decided to give your wife £400 a month for support."
"Well, dat's fine, Judge," said Paddy. "And once in a while I'll try to chip in a few quid, meself."
****
Mary and Mick got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Dublin when Ole put his hand onMary's knee.
Giggling, Mary said, "Mick, you can go a little farther now if you want to."
So Mick drove to Cork.
Two Irish hunters from Mayo got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck Paddy says to Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yaaah I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Chloe O'brien
01-05-2007, 11:33
Man working in bakery was conforted by his boss concering that he had been using his false teeth to mark the pies.
"why don't you use your tool" the boss asked
"Oh I use that for the doughnuts" the worker says.
Jack was at the golf club for his weekly round of golf and what a round it was: he began with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on two. On three, he scored his first hole-in-one.
Then his mobile rang. It was his doctor, who said, "Your wife has been in a terrible accident and is in critical condition in the Intensive Care Unit."
"I'll be there as soon as possible!" said Jack ...but as he hung up, he realized this might just the best round of golf of his life. "Maybe just a couple more holes wouldn't hurt," he thought.
By the time he finished the eighteenth hole, he had shattered the club record with a 61! Although jubilant, he also felt guilty about ignoring his wife. He dashed into the hospital and found the doctor in the corridor.
"Doc! I got here as fast as I could. How is she?"
The doctor glared at him. "You *******! You finished your round of golf, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out there enjoying yourself, Annie has languished in the ICU! For the rest of her life, she's going to require fulltime medical care ....from you!"
Jack felt so guilty that he broke down in tears.
The doctor snickered. "Nah, just kidding! She died two hours ago. How'd you play?"
Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Bush saying, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news." Says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great." said the surgeon
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors"
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side affects."
"Well just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection I also get a headache!"
A lady walks into a high class Jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price"
JustJodi
08-05-2007, 14:13
Ever mindful of the congregation, the Baptist preacher and his wife
>>decided
>>to get a new dog, and knew that the dog also had to be a Baptist.
They
>>visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they
>>found
>>a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.
The
>>owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.
>>
>>"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf,
>>scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the
owner.
>>
>>"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded.
>>
>>The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous
dexterity
>>with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage,
pointed
>>to
>>it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and
>>purchased the dog.
>>
>>That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and
>>his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible
>>verses. The visitors were very impressed.
>>
>>One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"
>>
>>"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at
the
>>dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded.
>>
>>The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's
>>forehead and began to howl.
>>
>>The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Oh, my good Lord!
He's
>>Pentecostal! !!"
PMSL Jodi I think I will share that one with my minister
JustJodi
08-05-2007, 15:15
Sleeping beauty
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one
day.Sleeping
Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the
world."Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the
world."Quasimodo
said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."So
they
all
decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
claims
verified.Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking
deliriously
happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the
world."Tom
Thumb
went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest
person
in
the world."Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly
confused
and
says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?
A married couple was lying in bed together.
Suddenly she felt his hand on her shoulder.
She murmured gently, "Ahh... nice."
His hand moved to her breast.
She grew more excited, "Sweetie, that's wonderful."
His hand moved to her leg.
She moaned, "Honey, don't stop!"
But then he stopped.
"Why did you stop?"
He responded with a click, "Because I found the remote!"
JustJodi
11-05-2007, 14:11
Darwin Awards
As always, competition this year has been keen.
The candidates this year are...
Eighth Place :
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place :
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place:
Buxton , NC : A man died on a beach when an 8-foo t-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been
sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge , VA , but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place:
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc , CA , as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place:
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville , Del , as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place:
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington , DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His t arget was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To ent er the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also drew and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No o ne else was hurt in the exchange of fire.
HONORABLE MENTION:
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite
and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP:
TACOMA , WA . Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham 's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER:
Overzealous zoo keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffoc ated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that just proves..."**** happens" !!!
JustJodi
13-05-2007, 16:49
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades
while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator
shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices
the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out
and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"
he shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't
you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an
alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the
same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in
hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator
swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim,
shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto
its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,
"Oh poo poo THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
JustJodi
13-05-2007, 23:37
Ole the Norwegian Cowboy
Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was Lost and low on food, .No other humans had been seen for days and then the pioneers saw an old Norwegian, named Ole, sitting beneath a tree.
"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell, I tink so," Ole said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere"
The leader goes back and tells his people what Ole had said.
"So why did he say not to go there?", a person asked.
Anther pioneer said, "Oh, you know those Norwegian people - they lie just for a joke."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to Ole.
Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."
Ole holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute. "
He quickly picks up an English-Norwegian dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oof-da, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree,
(Are you ready?)
(Okay, don't say I didn't warn you)
"It vuz a ham bush."
Chloe O'brien
24-05-2007, 21:15
The seven dwarfs were on hoilday in Rome and decided to visit the vatican city to see the pope. At there meeting with the Pope all the dwarfs gathered round Dopey saying "ask him dopey ask him" Dopey asked the pope
"excuse me father are there nuns in antartica" The pope answered yes my son I believe that there may be nuns in Antartica. Again the dwarfs gathered round dopey saying " ask him dopey ask him" again dopey approached the pope.
"excuse me father but is there black nuns in antartica" The pope answered yes my son I do belive that there could be black nuns in antartica. Once again the dwarfs gathered round dopey whispering " ask him dopey, ask him"
Dopey aproached the pope once more " excuse me father can you tell me if there are midget black nuns in Antartica" The pope answered no my son there is no black midget nuns in Antartica.
Dopey turned around to look at the remaining six dwarfs who were singing "Dopey S**G a pengiun, Dopey S**G a penguin.
I am going to hijack Alan's thread too.. Love this joke
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back,
went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say "****," the rottweiler ate him!"
That dwarf one was hilarious, thanks
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbor is painting her house with a 2-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
Pinkbanana
25-05-2007, 23:02
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbor is painting her house with a 2-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
:rotfl: Love that one, Al :)
Infact I love this thread, the jokes are really funny...Kath's Dopey joke. :lol:
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbor is painting her house with a 2-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
I've been trying figure that one out all day. I've finally got it now :rotfl:
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbor is painting her house with a 2-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
I normally read and stay quiet Alan, but this one....:rotfl::rotfl:
Purely and brilliant hilarious!!! :bow: Thank you lol
Chloe O'brien
27-05-2007, 21:25
I had to read the punchline a few times before I got it Alan but well done great joke.
I had to read the punchline a few times before I got it Alan but well done great joke.You really need to say it with a broad Dublin accident
Blonde Joke No. 1,439
As the manager passed the blonde's cubicle, he noticed she was sobbing. He asked, "What's the matter?"
She replied, "I just learned that my mother died this morning."
The boss felt sorry for her. "Go on home and take the day off."
"Thanks, but I'd rather stay here and work to keep my mind off it," she said.
He agreed, and she stayed on.
A couple of hours later, he checked in on her and found her crying hysterically. "Now what? Are you okay? Are you sure you don't want to go home?" he asked.
"No!" exclaimed the blonde. "I just spoke with my sister and got more terrible news: her mother died, too!"
CrazyLea
30-05-2007, 21:53
:rotfl: That's quite funny.
I like the contagious one too, but like Jelly took me a while before I got it :p (Although not the whole day :lol: )
:rotfl: That's quite funny.
I like the contagious one too, but like Jelly took me a while before I got it :p (Although not the whole day :lol: )
I had trouble trying to remember what the Irish sound like (even though I'd seen my Irish doctor the same morning)
Two doctors and an NHS manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven.
Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities."
Saint Peter says, "Enter."
The other doctor says, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people."
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven.
The third applicant steps forward and says, "I was an NHS manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care."
Saint Peter tells him, "You can come in, too."
As the NHS manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, "But you can only stay for 3 days."
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the flat was to send him out on the balcony with a lolipop and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being clamped in the car park", he shouted.
A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by". A few moments later,"Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....." A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving." "Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his Mum and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop, too."
Chloe O'brien
03-06-2007, 02:45
See that's the kind of child I have :rotfl:
See that's the kind of child I have :rotfl:
Ha ha so now we know why you are never on here on a Sunday afternoon:rotfl:
Chloe O'brien
03-06-2007, 23:13
See that's the kind of child I have :rotfl:
Ha ha so now we know why you are never on here on a Sunday afternoon:rotfl:
Cheeky bugger Sunday afternoon is my time to have a hot date with and iron. :lol:
See that's the kind of child I have :rotfl:
Ha ha so now we know why you are never on here on a Sunday afternoon:rotfl:
Cheeky bugger Sunday afternoon is my time to have a hot date with and iron. :lol:
So no lollipop for the wee bairn Bad mummy:lol:
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch when the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building!"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too!"
The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too!"
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy's wife, who said, "Don't look at me. He made his own lunches."
Two nuns in the bath, one says to the other wheres the soap, the other nun replied Yes it does dosent it:eek:
A couple are lying in bed when the man, feeling frisky, reaches over and gently cupped his wife's breast.
She gave a soft moan, but soon pushed him away.
"Honey? What's wrong?" he asked.
She rolled over to face the wall and said, "You just double-clicked my nipple!"
A man's wife rushed to the hospital unexpectedly, and asked her husband to bring her some items from home including "comfortable underwear".
Worried he'd make the wrong choice, he asked, "But how will I know which ones are comfortable?"
She answered, "Hold them up and imagine me in them. If you smile, put 'em back!"
An old farmer in Nebraska had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Paddy was walking home late at night, through the park, and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty quid," she whispers.
Paddy had never been with a hooker before but decides, as it's only twenty quid, he can't afford to miss out.
So they go into the bushes.
They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them -- it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to me wife,Mary," Paddy answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop. "I didn't know."
"Well," says Ole, "I din't neider, 'til you shine dat light in her face."
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted." "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!' "?
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact t that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud! Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
"Now what the hell would you say?!"
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing
home. All the Hispanic facilities were completely full, so they had to
put him in an Irish home.
After his first few weeks in the Irish facility, his family came to visit
him. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says
grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place
for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone else."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents
here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here; he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the
violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is a judge in here; he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the
bench in 30 years, and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"
"And there's a Doctor here; he's 90 years old. He hasn't been
practicing medicine for 25 years, and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'
"And there's me; I'm 92 years old. I haven't had sex for 20 years, and
they still call me'The *********g Mexican.'
I just had to share this with you all
http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/rake_bush4.html
Chloe O'brien
06-07-2007, 23:42
Alan you are one disturbed man :rotfl:
JustJodi
06-07-2007, 23:47
:crying: :crying: :crying: Oh my hes done me proud!!!! My coruption program is now complete, he is a totally disturbed individual muwahahahahaha
wiping eyes,,,,,,, oh Alan you have made me sooo proud:lol:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you have sex until you are both blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get nun in the morning, nun in the afternoon and nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month ... but not enough to live on.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you have sex until you are both blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get nun in the morning, nun in the afternoon and nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month ... but not enough to live on.
A husband shopped at La Senza for a sheer negligee for his wife. He found several, with prices from £50 to £500; evidently, the sheer-er, the price-ier!
Being a man, he picked the sheerest, took it home to his wife (without removing the price tag, of course) and asked her to model it.
She dashed upstairs to their bedroom, where she had an idea. "This thing is so sheer it might as well be nothing at all. If I don't put it on, but model naked for him, tomorrow I can return it and keep the £500 for myself."
So she walked out on the upstairs balcony naked and struck a sexy pose for him.
Her husband looked up, grimaced, and said, "Dammit! For £500, shouldn't they at least iron it?!"
Alan, I need a few laughs. Have you got any more jokes to post?
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, then cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favoUrite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replied, "Oh, THAT!... MUm dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table £239.99
Hot Breakfast £4.20
Two Aspirins £1.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. ..... PRICELESS!!
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."
"And what of the third body?" asked the Inspector.
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
Aussie Humor
A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an unhabited island.
After being there for awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear....
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
tammyy2j
20-08-2007, 12:53
Punishment in Heaven
Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''
''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''
Little Johnny's father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new mountain bike.
"Where did you get the money for the bike, son? It must have cost $500," he asked.
"I earned it hiking, Dad," replied Little Johnny.
"Come on, John," said his father. "Tell the truth."
"That is the truth, Dad!" Johnny replied. "Every night while you were gone, Mom's boss came come over to work late with Mom. He'd give me a twenty and tell me to 'take a hike'!"
A crusty old man walks into the local church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it," said the old man. "I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in THIS church," said the secretary. She then leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation.
The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the old man says. "I just won $200 million in this damn lottery and I want to join this damn churge to get rid of some of this damn money."
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
At The Roulette Table
A woman, losing at roulette, was down to her last ten dollars so she asked the man beside her for a good number.
"Why don't you play your age?" he suggested.
"That's an idea!" she agreed, and put her money on the table.
When the wheel stopped, she fainted and fell to the floor.
The man looked to the croupier. "Did she win?" he asked.
"No," replied the attendant. "She put ten on number 27 and number 35 came in!"
There's a lesson here, ladies: Never lie about your age to a roulette table. Hehehe!
He Said, She Said
He said: "It's just too hot to wear clothes today. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn naked?"
She said: "Probably that I married you for your money."
He said: "Ever since I first laid eyes on you, I've want to make love to you really badly."
She said: "Well, you've succeeded."
He said: "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give you?"
She said: "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."
He said: "Let's try swapping positions tonight?"
She said: "Fine. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
tammyy2j
19-09-2007, 12:19
"7 kinds of sex"
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".
The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.
The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!
Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog barking.
It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly, paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I’ve had enough of this." He goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing"
Paddy says, "I’ve put their dog in our yard ... now we'll fookin' see how THEY like it!"
Chloe O'brien
25-10-2007, 10:50
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
He told them that the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, fill the washing machine and call a landscaper.
JustJodi
29-10-2007, 12:47
Wild Turkey
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy
carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy,
"Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy look down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted
under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so
what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break
his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break
your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you
gonna do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his butt and let him go!!
JustJodi
29-10-2007, 12:59
this is not meant to offend any one
Baptizing a drunk
>
>> A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
> upon a
>> preacher baptizing people in the river.
>> He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the
>> preacher.
>> The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
> alcohol,
>> whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
>>
>> The Drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
>>
>> So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
>>
>> He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found
Jesus?"
>>
>> The Drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
>>
>> The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again
> or a
>> little longer.
>>
>> He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found
> Jesus
>> my
>> brother?"
>>
>> The Drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
>>
>> By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
> the
>> water again...but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and
> when
>> he
>> begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
>>
>> The preacher again asks the Drunk, "For the love of God have you
> found
>> Jesus?"
>>
>> The Drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
> preacher,
>> *
>> *
>> *
>> *
>> *
>> "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
An Oirish Story.
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! "shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
(Wait for it...........scroll down.)
"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
CrazyLea
02-11-2007, 17:47
Lmao. Corny, but made mne laugh :p
Lol that was funny, I wasn too sure were the joke was going, but that is quite funny
The original version had cartoon to illustrate but as this is a nice forum I decided not to include them
Chloe O'brien
03-11-2007, 22:44
The original version had cartoon to illustrate but as this is a nice forum I decided not to include them
Tell me something after nearly 3 years of being on here why do I still fall for your mad jokes :lol: The strange thing is I was able to read and understand the irish pronounceation.
JustJodi
06-11-2007, 10:00
A man from Cornerbrook driving a Volkswagen Beetle in Toronto pulls up > next
> to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.
>
> Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you
> gots
> a telephone in that Rolls?"
>
> The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
>
> "I gots one too... see?" the Newfie says.
>
> "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
>
> "You gots a fax machine?" asks the Newfie.
>
> "Why, actually, yes, I do."
>
> "I does too! See? It's right here!" brags the guy from the Rock.
>
> The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen
> says,
> "So, does you have a double bed in back there?"
>
> The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
>
> "Yep, gots me double bed right in back here," the Newfie replies.
>
> The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
>
> Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he
> immediately
> goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back
> of
> his car.
>
> About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and
> drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the
> Newfoundland
> Labrador plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he
> pulls
> his Rolls up next to it.
>
> The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat
> awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps
> on
> the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
>
> (It's ok, the joke is CLEAN)
>
> The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks
> out.
>
> The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
>
> "Yeah, yeah, I remembers you," replies the Newfoundlander, "What's up?"
>
> "Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
>
> The Newfie exclaims, "B'JEEZ B'Y, YOU GOTS ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELLS
> ME
> THAT?"
WOMAN'S DIARY:
>
>Saturday 20th October 2007
>
>Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been
>shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so
>thought it might be that.
>
>The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter
>to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go
>somewhere nice to eat.
>
>All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and
>didn't
>seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew
>that something was wrong.
>
>He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he
>hesitated but followed.
>
>I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook
>his head and turned the television on.
>
>After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.
>
>I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave
>a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did,
>and
>I was surprised when we made love.
>
>He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was
>going to leave me and that he had found someone else.
>
>I cried myself to sleep.
>MANS DIARY:>
>Saturday 20th October 2007
>
>England lost to South Africa. Gutted. Got a shag though.
George W. Bush had a heart attack and died. He went to hell where the Devil was waiting for him.
'I don't know what to do here,' said the devil. 'You are on my list but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
The devil open the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' Bush said. ' I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day.'
The devil led him to the next room: In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time.
No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!' commented Bush.
The devil opened the third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinski, doing what she did best.
Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, Yeah, I can handle this.'
Wait for it ......................
The devil smiled and said, 'Okay, Monica, you're free to go!'
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Subtle Scottish Humour
An English doctor was being shown around a Scottish hospital. Near the end of his visit, he saw a ward of patients with no obvious injuries.
He started to examine the first patient, but the man proclaimed:
"Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face / Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!"
The doctor, taken aback, moved on to the next patient, who immediately said,
"Some hae meat and canna eat / And some wad eat that want it."
The next patient cried out,
"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie /
O what a panic's in thy breastie!"
"Well," the English doctor muttered to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last."
"Oh, no," said the Scottish doctor. "This is our serious Burns unit!"
The clue is in the title.:hmm:
'A Scottish Joke For Friday Night'
It's Burn's night on Friday.
For all the non-celts amongst us http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burns_supper
For all the non-celts amongst us http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burns_supper
Do people still celebrate Burn's night in that way with all the speeches and singing?
For all the non-celts amongst us http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burns_supper
Do people still celebrate Burn's night in that way with all the speeches and singing?
Not to mention addressing the Haggis
Chloe O'brien
24-01-2008, 15:06
Yep we do still celebrate Burns up here in Scotland with celidh's. I will be having Haggis for tea tomorrow night.
We celebrate it over here too. We are heading out for a Burns Supper and dance
A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:
I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie,
my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came
through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he
went over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said,
'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the F*ck would you say?'
An American Tourist In London
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants and, worst of all, no public restrooms.
However, after all those Guinnesses, he really has to go. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me".
He leads the American through a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?"
"No, sir." replied the bobby. "That is what we call the French Embassy."
Chloe O'brien
08-02-2008, 00:07
Father John was going away on church business and asked new priest Father Seamus to take confession while he was away. Father John had given a list of punishements for each sin that is confessed to him. Father Seamus begins his first confession:
The first sinner comes in: Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Father Seamus asked what the sin is and she confesses that she have stolen. Father Seamus gives the sinner 5 Our Father's and 3 Hail Mary's as a punishment.
The second sinner askes for forgivness and confesses that they have lied. Her punishement is 3 Hail Mary's
The third sinner goes into the confession box and asks for forgivness. Father Seamus again ask what the sin is. The sinner says that she has given a man a blow-job. Father Seamus does not know what punishment to give the sinner and looks through his notes from Father John on sin's confessed but he can't find anything about blow-jobs. Quicly he looks out of the confession box and see's Mrs Murphy the church cleaner cleaning the pews. He asks Mrs Murphy what does Father John give for a blow-job.
Mrs Murphy answers £12.50 if I take my teeth out :rotfl:
A 45 year old woman, Edna, had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, Edna decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! The full package and since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital but, while crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ambulance and killed.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "******* me Edna, I didn't recognise you !!"
:rotfl: Now that was funny!
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special'
Cabbie: 'There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'
Passenger. 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake'
Passenger. 'Mmm, there's not many like him around.'
Cabbie: 'And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank.'
Passenger: 'Then how do you know so much about him?'
Cabbie: 'I married his ********** widow!
This guy goes to a grocery store and asks the clerk behind the counter for two cans of dog food.
"Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk.
"Yes I do!" replied the puzzled customer.
"I'm sorry sir" said the clerk "but you're going to have prove to me that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food."
Back home went the frustrated customer to get his dog and pulled it on its leash all the way back to the store.
"Here's my dog!" wheezed the tired customer.
"Thank you sir, here is your two cans of dog food."
Two days later the guy returns to the same store and goes up to the same clerk and says:
"Two cans of cat food please."
"Do you have a cat sir?"
"Of course I do!" said the exasperated customer.
"I'm sorry sir but I have to see your cat before I can sell you cat food."
The guy storms out of the store, goes home, grabs his cat, drags it back to the store and holds up the cat by it's tail for the clerk to see.
"Thank you sir here is your two cans of cat food."
The very next day. The guy returns to the store, approaches the clerk and places on the counter a white shoebox with a small hole on the cover.
"Yes sir", asked the clerk, "what can I do for you?"
"Put your finger in the hole" ordered the customer.
"I beg your pardon?" said the clerk.
"Do as I say!" ordered the guy.
Cautiously the clerk slid his finger all the way in the hole.
"Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!" said the guy
"It looks like S _ _ T!" said the disgusted clerk; to which the customer calmly replied
"THAT'S RIGHT!!, Now give me two rolls of toilet paper!"
Pinkbanana
17-02-2008, 23:12
Have you got any short funny ones that I can txt to peeps, Al??? :)
Two blondes trekked deep into the frozen forest in search of the perfect Christmas tree but after hours of braving blustery winds and freezing temperatures, one blonde was ready to give up.
She said, "I don't know about you, Suzi, but I'm going to chop down the next tree I see ... whether it's decorated or not!"
Four children and their mothers are in the head teachers ofice of a posh school for an interview hoping to be accepted into the schoold for the new term.
The head teacher says that he has many years experience and that he can tell a lot about a child and its family by the name it has been given.
Turning to the first one he said ''You are called Penny, thats because your mother is obsessed about money''
To the second one he said '' You are called Candy because your mother is fond of sweets''
Turning to the third one he said ''And to further prove my theory you are called Brandy because your mother is fond of Drink.
As he turned the the fourth one The mother stood up grabbed the child and said ''Come on Dick we are not staying here'':rotfl:
Johnny want to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else.
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you £100 if you let me ******** you."
But the girl said, "NO".
Johnny said, "Ill be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened?
She wailed, "The b*****d used coins!"
Business Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a*** and go as a toffee apple.
COFFEE OR IRISH COFFEE ???????
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an
aspirin!"
"Not to fret,"replied the doctor. "Give him an
Irish Viagra."
"What's an Irish Viagra, Doctor?"
"That's where you just drop the Viagra into his
morning coffee. He won't even taste it," replied the
doctor. "Give it a try and call me in a week
to let me know how things went."
Not even a week had gone by before she called the
doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress of
the experiment.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah! T'was horrid, just too terrible, doc!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised. I slipped the Viagra
into his morning coffee and it took effect almost
immediately. He jumped hisself straight up, with a
twinkle! in his eye and with his pants a-bulging
proudly! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the
cups and tablecloth a flying, ripped me clothes to
tatters and took me then and there, making wild,
mad, passionate love to me right on the tabletop!
T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean to
say the sex your husband gave you wasn't any good?"
"Oh no,no, no Doctor, the sex was fine indeed!
T'was the best sex I've had in twenty-five years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here before you, I'll never
be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
1. Sex Drive
A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right is! said the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
2. The Nurse
A nurse walks into a bank preparing to sign a cheque. When she gets to the counter, she reaches in her pocket, pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake she says, "Well that's great ... just great ... Some asshole's got my pen."
I am only just able to access this thread, hence my late comment. :rotfl:
Four people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him".
The pretty young blonde thinks, "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him".
The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."
The Englishman thinks, "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twit again."
1. The Errand
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini. Each time he would carefully remove the olive and put it in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and the martinis had been drunk, McQuillan got up to leave.
"S'cuse me, said a customer, who was puzzled by what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothin'," said McQuillan. "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
2. Watching The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
A bit later, they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be dying'."
Cinderella, The Later Years
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair watching the world go by from her front porch, with an old cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, her fairy godmother appeared.
"Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" asked Cinderella.
"Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I law saw you," replied the Fairy Godmother. "Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and, after some thoughtful consideration, she said, "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand-to-mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond my comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold, and so did all the furniture inside her home.
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!".
"It is the least I can do. What do you want for your second wish?", asked the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said, "I wish I were young and ful of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
"You have one more wish," said the Fairy Godmother, "what will it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological makeup that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the like of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
"Congratulations, Cinderella," said the Fairy Godmother, "enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing into the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
The Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rockingchair. He wrapped her in his young, muscular arms and her close. Leaning in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, Bob whispered ... "Bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered."
JustJodi
30-04-2008, 09:37
Looking for Work A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so
advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another,
and have him looking for work in six weeks. '
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that
we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and
have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind.
We took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House
and now half the country is looking for work.
this was posted by an American :D
Compassion
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the Intensive Care Unit. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice, complimentary, from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then, she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! "For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed ...
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?"
I've heard that one before :lol:
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog. One day the dog died and Muldoon went to his parish priest and asked Father "could ya be saying a mass for the lil' creature?" Father Patrick replied "I am afraid not, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are Presbyterians down the lane and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they will do something for the creature."
Muldoon said "I will go right away, Father. Do you think 5,000 euro is enough to donate to them for the service"
Father Patrick exclaimed "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didnt't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a building site.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty site. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them rough diamonds more or less -- adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing five pound coins. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied: "I worked all last week with a construction crew building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied ... "I will if those useless c*nts at B&Q ever bring us the f *cking plasterboard."
Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast
pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you
twenty quid for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad
time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!
My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words,
Larry says "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin.
Itsh snot wha jew think.
I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on
me...he had one too many! and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor.
He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie quid for the
Cleaning bill!
"His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty
quid.
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too
that is brilliant alan :lol::lol:
Very funny, had me laughing out loud :rotfl:
:rotfl: That's hilarious.
Chloe O'brien
10-09-2008, 00:05
Aw Alan that's gross.:lol:
UPSET WIFE !!
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset! 'You are a
disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me-a faithful
wife, the mother of your children? I'm leaving you I want a divorce
straight away!'
And he replied: 'Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you
what happened' 'Fine, go ahead', she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last
words you'll say to me!' And he began: 'Well, I was getting into the car
to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked
so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into
the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very
dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my
compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for
you last night, the one you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll
put on weight.
The poor thing devoured it in moments. Since she needed a good
clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her
clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she
needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a
few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also
gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you
don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my
sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and
I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive boutique and
don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them..'
He took a quick breath and continued: 'She was so grateful for my
understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me
with tears in her eyes and said 'Please........do you have anything else
that your wife doesn't use?'
Chloe O'brien
03-10-2008, 12:23
:lol:Now I like that one. Brilliant Alan
The three Dolls in a man's life.......
1........His Daughter, 'Baby doll'
2........His Mistress, 'Barbie Doll'
3.........His Wife, 'Panadol'
Mishap on BA Transatlantic Flight
After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Irish passenger yelled, 'by Jaysus you should see the back of mine!'
di marco
18-10-2008, 16:42
Mishap on BA Transatlantic Flight
After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Irish passenger yelled, 'by Jaysus you should see the back of mine!'
lol that made me laugh! :D thanks for posting all these jokes alan :)
A man boarded an aircraft at London and took his seat; as he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or holiday?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded.. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be d iscussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said.... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy:rotfl:
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
Yep! I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird .'
'Oh yeah?' the man asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'
The man looks at the £200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!'
The man offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the man.
'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy says incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'
Then the frantic man screams, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'
'Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!
:lol:! I was wondering where that was gonna go!
di marco
21-10-2008, 22:29
haha! i really didnt see that coming at all!
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honour of this holy season," said St. Peter, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," said St. Peter.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
St. Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
"These are Carols," the man replied.
Awww I remember that joke :lol:
An Australian golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into
The woods.
Looking for his ball, he discovered a little Leprechaun
Flat on his back, with a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart
And poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the
Golfer said.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get
Three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answered in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise." And he walked away.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun said to himself. "I have to do something for him.I'll give him the three things I would want... A great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year went by, and the golfer came back. On the
Same hole, he again hit a bad drive into the woods
And the Leprechaun was there waiting for him.
"T'was me that made ye hit the ball here" , the little guy said. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer replied. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He then added, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer answered. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's your sex life?"
The golfer blushed, and turned his head away in
Embarrassment, and said shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looked around then
Whispered, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?" responded the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," said the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
di marco
04-01-2009, 08:41
lol thats good! :D
On a Train
>
> A man and a woman who had never met before, but were
> both married to other people, found themselves assigned
> to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
>
> Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing
> a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.
> He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
>
> At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the
> woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would
> you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a
> second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
>
> "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight,
> let's pretend that we're married."
>
> "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
>
> "Good," she replied. "Get your own *******ing blanket."
>
> After a moment of silence, he farted.
di marco
23-01-2009, 12:07
lol that was good! :D
An elderly man in North Carolina
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A
blonde walks by and asked what they were doing.
Paddy: 'We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole,but we don't
have a ladder.'
The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid
the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket,took a few
measurements and announced that it was eighteen feetand six inches. She
then walked off.
Mick said: 'Now, to be sure, isn't that just like a blonde! We need the
height and she gives us the length.'
------------------------------------------
In to a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.!
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender..
' Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'
That little ****, O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?'
'That I did,' said Paddy.
'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'
**
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over
the road.
A cop pulls him over.
'So,' says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,'
slurs the drunk.
Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk.
'For a minute there, I thought i'd gone deaf.'
***
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks.
'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.'
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry'
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned.'
'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'
===
And the Best For Last...
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention,
but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin',
there's no paper on this side either!'
:eek: The last joke :lol:
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy crap! That must be my husband!"
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"
The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"
:rotfl: very funny! :rotfl:
A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
During the break, she notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You OK?" she asks.
"Yes," he says.
"You can go and play with the other kids, you know," she says.
"It's best I stay here," he says.
"Why?" asks the blonde.
And the boys says: "Because I'm the f*cking goalie!"
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He said.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'I found the remote'.
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I
want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway,
he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'
'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER
go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you,
that you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent
you.'
'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he
left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...
'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to
make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never
make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your
office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to
change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed
with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name,
so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
A skinhead was window shopping with his girlfriend when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window.
"Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.
"No problem, babe," he said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, she admired a black leather jacket in another shop window. "What I'd give to own that!" she said.
"Sure thing, honey," he said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.
Soon they passed a Mercedes dealership. "I'd do anything for one of those!" she said, pointing to a convertible. "Damn it, baby!" cried the skinhead, "do you think I'm made of bricks?!"
Job at the FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair..... Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
Beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day.. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing
cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will
warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My
hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body
will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will
warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he
said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her
mother and she said to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost,
don't they?!"
Chloe O'brien
14-02-2009, 23:17
That is just plain filth. Got anymore :lol:
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)...............
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
:eek:!!!!!!!!!
:rotfl: :rotfl: How dirty!
Chloe O'brien
18-02-2009, 22:54
He's disgraceful isn't he. Funny but disgraceful :D
JustJodi
20-02-2009, 21:11
No wonder the rest of the world thinks we're(Americans) nuts
Best lawyer/insurance story of the year, decade, and possibly the century.
This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
Now for the best part...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
I read about this at the time, I like this kind of justice :)
Just to prove that the Irish have a better sense of humour than BT Bosses
---
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's
Very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
------------------------------------------------------------
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among
Themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
------------------------------------------------------------
An American lawyer asked, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
Irishman a question, he answers with another question?'
'Who told you that?' asked Paddy.
------------------------------------------------------------
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
------------------------------------------------------------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
Announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
------------------------------------------------------------
Irish lass customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?'
Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'
------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs.. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the
Vase on the mantle piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm getting closer all the time.'
------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
------------------------------------------------------------
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the
Morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
------------------------------------------------------------
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.. 'Quick!' He said.
'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'
------------------------------------------------------------
'O'Ryan,' asked the druggist, 'did that mudpack I gave you
Improve your wife's appearance?'
'It did surely,' replied O'Ryan, 'but it keeps fallin' off!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon
Waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
------------------------------------------------------------
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life
And then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life
And then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
Now that is a very good point :p
hard to get a pay raise these days
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
First-year students at a Vet school were receiving their first
anatomy class, with a dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet..
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine
it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." For
an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead
and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and
sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice' he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh yes' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?' I was walking in through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that woul d tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears and hooves of the old nag.
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'.
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites’
Chloe O'brien
01-05-2009, 22:01
:lol: :lol: HA! HA! Classic Alan
Chloe O'brien
29-05-2009, 00:13
A Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
The Irishman is the new supervisor.
di marco
30-05-2009, 11:22
haha lol that made me laugh! :D
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a
most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind the first.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a
leash.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man
couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog. 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this
with so many of you walking in single file..
Whose funeral is it?'
The man replied, 'Well, the first hearse is for my wife'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied ' My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered 'My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
'Join the queue.
The ladies will love this
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks
into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he
squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into
his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he
roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you
idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke
everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy
Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.'
'It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who
went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and
croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.'
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray,
gave them their food, and refilled their water.'
'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm
only going to say this once....'
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE ********NG PORRIDGE YET!!"
:lol: I love it.
sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence,
Love this line :D That's me in the morning.
Chloe O'brien
05-06-2009, 21:50
I'm a Mama Bear at work. If I'm busy and haven't filled the kettles for the lecturers coming for their tea they moan I yelled hang on until I find that brush with the big pointed handle so I can shove it up my ass and sweep the floor while I'm at it. :lol:
di marco
08-06-2009, 21:13
haha love it! :D
THE TAXMAN COMETH
>
> At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
> the books of a Synagogue.
>
>
> While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I
> notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
> drippings?'
>
>
> 'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to
> the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
> candles.'
>
>
> 'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
> question had a practical answer.
>
>
> But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
>
> 'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the
> crumbs?'
>
> 'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
> trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them
> back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free
> box of bread-wafers.'
>
> 'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
> the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with
> all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
>
> 'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi....... ........
>
> 'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office,
> and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'
Ha ha, that one made me laugh out loud :lol:
di marco
17-06-2009, 10:30
haha that was funny! :D
In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and
The Royal Commission for Political Correctness,
it was announced today that the local climate in the
most of the UK should no longer be referred to as
'English Weather'.
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the population,
it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather'.
In other words - partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.
The scene is Bishopbriggs Primary School , Glasgow.Teacher says : 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.
The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'
Wee Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge, so I am. This is goannae be a doddle!'
Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air..
Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar Fauntleroy at the front.
'Yes, Farqhuar?' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): ' Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.'
Teacher: 'Very good Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.'
The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more determined..
Teacher: 'Who said 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?' Wee Murray 's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting 'I know, I know. Pick me Miss, pick me Miss'.
Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at the front: 'Yes Tarquin.'
Tarquin (in a very, very posh English accent): 'Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.'
Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.'
The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper; he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his chair, dribbling in anticipation..
Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'
Wee Murray 's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming 'Pick me miss. Pick me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee'.
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front.
'Yes, Rupert?' Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent):
'Miss, that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon landing.'
Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.'
Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his chair at the wall. He starts screaming:
'WHERE THE ******* DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B******* COME FROM?'
Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: 'Who said that?'
Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door,
'Robert the Bruce, Bannockburn , 1314. See ye on Tuesday Miss!'
:rotfl: I find that one very funny
Chloe O'brien
05-12-2009, 23:45
Alan your mad. Love it :rotfl:
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank".
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died ... I'm married to his f*cking widow."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE......I'M BROKE!!
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money! I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a *********g good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning....What part of 'broke' don't you understand?'
A UK squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and, as first aid was given to both men, the platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.
The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing half-blind Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing idiot.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us."
http://i293.photobucket.com/albums/mm75/alan12296/3wisewomen.jpg
:lol: lol thats pretty funny
Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day and said, 'Alastair, I have a great idea!? We are going to go all out to win back Middle England '. 'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.
'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, Oh and a Labrador . Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside, ..........
'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off. Eventually they arrived in a quiet little village and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.
'Good evening Landlord, two pints of your best ale, from the wood please' said Brown
'Good evening, Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it is, coming up'
Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet.
Suddenly the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail with his crook, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure, to the bewilderment of Brown and Darling. People of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour and lifted the tail of the Labrador.
Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over. 'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in and look under the dog's tail like that??? Is it an old country custom?
…
…
…
…
…
…
Oh no, no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes'
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