View Full Version : Jokes
moonstorm
27-07-2010, 13:05
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8 ) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
While a man was tapping away on his home computer, his ten- year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it?" her sister asked with curiosity.
Proudly she replied, "Star, star, star, star, star, star!"
Made me laugh
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when
totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos
(MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo
clock.
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something. `Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?` `Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death.` `Oh, really? How`s that?` `There`s a naked woman waiting for me at home.` `I don`t see how that is a matter of life or death.` `If I don`t get home before my wife does, I`m a dead man.`
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, `I`ve got a big problem doctor. Every time we`re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.` `My dear,` the shrink said, `that`s completely natural. I don`t see what the problem is.` `The problem,` she complained, `is that it wakes me up.`
Bit rude :o
Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. `Does anyone know what this is?` She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, `Sure, my daddy has two of them!` `Two of them?!` the teacher asked. `Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy`s teeth!`
tammyy2j
23-08-2010, 13:58
Tim Vine has been crowned king of the one-liners after one of his gags was named the best joke of the Edinburgh Fringe.
The wisecracking comic - who set a world record for his quickfire delivery in 2004 - beat acts including John Bishop to the award created by TV channel Dave.
Tim won for the gag: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
A panel of judges made up of leading comedy critics scoured dozens of venues at the world-famous Fringe festival for a fortnight to shortlist the best and worst jokes - then they went to a public vote.
They each sat through around 60 performances with up to 7,200 jokes per judge.
Tim - brother of BBC Radio 2 presenter Jeremy - was delighted with his accolade. He said: "I'm going to celebrate by going to Sooty's barbecue and having a 'sweepsteak'."
The comedian - whose world record saw him get through 499 gags in one hour - is packing audiences in for his current show The Joke-Amotive at the Pleasance Courtyard.
Runner-up was David Gibson (as Ray Green) with: "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
Emo Philips made up the top three with: "I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them."
The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied... "the balcony."
A robust-looking gentleman ate a large meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some fine wine, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a wonderful meal here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a beggar?"
"I'm very sorry sir..." began the contrite headwaiter.
"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."
read this this morning in a newspaper.. made me giggle
Myself and my wife have been married now for 7 years. She was feeling glum about her birthday so I asked her what she wanted. She said she would love something that went from 0-100 in 4 seconds... I bought her a bathroom scales :lol:
This story appeared in a newspaper but it is a big hoax and never happened but I have been laughing for past 20 mins:
Freak accident
A circus dwarf, nicknamed Od, died recently in the North when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a yawning hippopotamus which was waiting to appear in the next act. Vets on the scene said Hilda the Hippo had a gag reflex which automatically caused her to swallow. They added in mitigation that the hefty creature was a vegetarian who had not previously digested a circus performer. Unfortunately, the 1000 plus spectators continued to applaud wildly until common sense dictated there had been a tragic mistake. Police said the trampoline has been sent for forensic analysis.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"
moonstorm
30-09-2010, 09:57
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment
She notices that one wall of his bedroom iscompletely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At the town of
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndr obwyllllantysiliogogoch
They stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, *
*
"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us."
"Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"
*
The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr ? gurrr ? king."
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.*
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,*** * 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE*-*YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look* at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,*
'NO, I'VE* COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE*SAME* DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and, in a classic striptease move, lets
his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea
stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on
to a pile of hay.
"What the hell are you doing Mick?" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
This made me Giggle:
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
Chloe O'brien
19-10-2010, 11:14
Shiv your getting sick like Alan :rotfl:
moonstorm
25-10-2010, 13:53
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.
'Go get your Mother.'
moonstorm
25-10-2010, 13:55
Two businessmen in Cardiff were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his
face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked
to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ****-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,"Must be doing well... Only two left."
Pensioners -- don't mess with them!!!!!!
moonstorm
25-10-2010, 13:56
One for the ladies------
When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.
Every cubicle is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.
In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)
You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public toilets It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other girl can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.
That made me chuckle. Oh what it would be to be a man and be in and out in a flash.
Two businessmen in Cardiff were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his
face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked
to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ****-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,"Must be doing well... Only two left."
Pensioners -- don't mess with them!!!!!!
This made me laugh out loud :o :lol:
megan999
02-11-2010, 17:10
Police arrested 2 kids.
One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
The police charged one and let the other one off :D
parkerman
02-11-2010, 20:16
Not a joke but it's very funny...: Put from China to Taiwan in Google maps & look at direction 55.
Not a joke but it's very funny...: Put from China to Taiwan in Google maps & look at direction 55.
Put Japan to China in and look at direction 43
Chloe O'brien
03-11-2010, 11:37
Don't know if anyone seen "Still Game" on Monday night. It's a scottish comedy show about two old men who live in a Glasgow tower block. Monday nights episode was about the old codgers trying to fiddle the electricity meters in their neighbourhood. Any way they went into the local pub and the barman said to Victor one of the guys"hey Victor, you're putting on the beef you fat b*****d" Victor responded by saying "Aye it's your wife's fault, everytime I sh*g her she makes me a sandwich. :lol: Sorry rude I know but I rolled with laugher.
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says,"Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a Fifty Pound note on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a Fifty Pound note tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, for one... I like to watch my money grow.
Two... once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three... I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly... instead of you going out wasting money on shopping, you can stay right here
at home and blow fifty quid anytime you want."
LARRY IS RECOVERING NICELY IN HOSPITAL.
Some "Irish" jokes.. (some mildly offensive so I apologise to Irish people here)
1) A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
2) Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
3) Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"
4) Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
Well they made me giggle
moonstorm
08-11-2010, 20:45
:lol::lol: And me!
Chris_2k11
09-11-2010, 00:24
3) Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!":lol: haha ive heard this one before, classic!
megan999
11-11-2010, 17:34
Q. What do you get if you cross a Pit Bull with a Saint Bernard?
A. A dog that will rip your leg off and then go for help.
megan999
12-11-2010, 16:55
What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
Stop going around in circles and get to the point.
What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
Stop going around in circles and get to the point.
Seriously Megan.. have you been at the christmas crackers again :lol:
megan999
12-11-2010, 16:59
Seriously Megan.. have you been at the christmas crackers again :lol:
I love xmas cracker jokes, I have that sense of humour, like the jokes you get on Penguins, LOL :D
I love xmas cracker jokes, I have that sense of humour, like the jokes you get on Penguins, LOL :D
I was thinking when I first read it.. what jokes on Penguins and then realised you were talking about the snacks not the animals :lol:
parkerman
12-11-2010, 17:06
I was thinking when I first read it.. what jokes on Penguins and then realised you were talking about the snacks not the animals :lol:
That's funnier than most jokes on here, Shiv. :rotfl:
megan999
12-11-2010, 17:09
I was thinking when I first read it.. what jokes on Penguins and then realised you were talking about the snacks not the animals :lol::rotfl::rotfl:
British Columbia vintners in the Okanagan Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE
GRAPEVINE :lol:
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Got two goodens here
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man...
Dum Gai
Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?
Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu
-------------------
The Middle East Phrase Book
Kbar Khali-Kili Haftir Lotfan.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
Khrel, Jepaheh Maneh Va Jayeii Amrikahey
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.
Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelleh Bezorg Va Khube Boyast Ino Begeram
The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
Ekr Gabul Cardan Davat Parh Gush Divar
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head with my legs apart.
Maternier Ghermez Ahlieh Ghorban
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
Howmaeh Fekr Tamomeh Oeh Gorteh Bande
I agree with everything you have ever said and thought in your whole life.
Balli, Balli, Balli
Whatever you say.
Auto Arraregh Davateman Mano Sephaheh- Hasti
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
Cashal-Eh Fashal-Eh Tupheman Na Degat Man Goftam Cheeshayeh Mohemarir Behmeshvarehma.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
Chloe O'brien
12-01-2011, 09:33
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%
But ,
A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what
I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It
was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "Iwanna watch."
Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her
tummy and say "Congratulations!" but not a single one of them rubs your d***
and says, "well done!"????
Honestly, some folk will take offence at anything. I met a bloke with no legs this morning
while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?" He went ballistic.......
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby.
"Is this yours?" she asked. "Probably," said Paddy. "She burns everything else!"
My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken
aw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted
decking on the patio......
They reckon that beer contains female hormones and I think they are
right. After 8 pints, I talk crap and can't drive!
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the
symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes.. Homer is a fat yellow lazy
******* and Marge is a skinny cow with big blue hair."
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby.
"Is this yours?" she asked. "Probably," said Paddy. "She burns everything else!"
I love this one!!!
The rest are very sexist.. I might have to sack you from the blog
Three of my faviourite cat jokes here they're a bit on the long side but still hilarious
A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man called his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?"
"Yes, why do you ask?"answered the wife.
Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."
-----------------
Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).
Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a variety of odors, from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember, your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.
So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.
Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.
1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.
3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No, blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.
5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.
6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.
7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.
8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slide down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.
9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.
10. Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat. reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.
12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door, put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly, into tub, if possible, Do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
13. In about 2 hours it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.
----------
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape,
and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds
could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer."
More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage....
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am
certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
LFC FOR LIFE
Childbirth at 60
Too good not to pass on, Enjoy !!!
With all the new technology regarding fertility, recently a
60-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was
discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
Blonde on a plane
a plane is on its way to dubai, when a blonde in
economy class gets up, and moves to the first class
section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks
to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy
class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm
going to dubai and i'm staying right here."
the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells
the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde
bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in
economy, and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to
explain that because she only paid for economy
she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm
going to dubai and i'm staying right here."
the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should
have the police waiting when they land to arrest
this blonde woman, who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll
handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear,
and she says, "oh, i'm sorry i didn't realise that."
she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and
asked him what he said to make her move without
any fuss.
"i told her, "first class isn't going to dubai"...
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,
Get well soon.
From the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week and gave a speeding ticket to.'
A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marched into a chemist shop.
Very carefully he opened his sporran and pulled out a neatly folded cotton bandana,
unfolded it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolded
to reveal a condom.
The condom had a number of patches on it.
The chemist held it up and eyed it critically.
"How much to repair it?" The Scot asked the chemist.
"Six pence," said the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" said the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folded the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaced it carefully in his sporran and marched
out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist heard a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marched back into the chemist and addressed the proprietor,
this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he said.
"We'll have a new one."
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, `Do you still get horny?` The other replies, `Oh sure I do.` The first old lady asks, `What do you do about it?` The second old lady replies, `I suck a lifesaver.` After a few moments, the first old lady asks, `Who drives you to the beach?`
Chloe O'brien
18-03-2011, 20:22
Perdy that's just filth :lol:
moonstorm
19-03-2011, 20:32
Haha, knew you had a wicked side Pedy :cheer:
Chloe O'brien
19-03-2011, 22:43
There was a cracker of a joke on Mrs Brown's Boys the other week. It was about a dirty phone call. Mrs Brown's daughter was on the phone she was yelling to a heavy breather. this is how it went:
Kathy: " You dirty b****ard"
Mrs Brown " What did he say?"
Kathy: " He says if you can guess what I've got in my hand you can have it"
Mrs Brown takes the phone of her daughter and yells down the phone
"If you can get it to fit in one hand you can fecking keep it"
She then says I've not time for the dirty b***ards. I had one on the phone two weeks ago saying if I met him down the town he would show me his wi**y. Fecker didn't turn up :rotfl:
Time Gets Better with Age
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sings "Silent Night".
Age 5
I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
Age 42
I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.
Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 51
I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
Age 72
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 90
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92
LFC FOR LIFE
10 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door..
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.
6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
10.. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
Men are proof that woman can take a joke
LFC FOR LIFE
A Long Way Home
Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read "Clean Restrooms Ahead."
Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner.
Total restrooms cleaned: 450.
LFC FOR LIFE
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in the U.K.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)...
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon.. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal
cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Very funny to read but also very sad
Chloe O'brien
15-05-2011, 15:40
What a thought to think that we're relying on these little darlings for our pensions. I agree with question 7 quote. "shoot me now there's little hope"
Chloe O'brien
16-05-2011, 14:13
Here's a couple of rib-ticklers for you:
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said,
"My family went to my grand dad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said,
"That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said,
"My family went to see Rock City and I was "fascinated."
The teacher said,
"Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate.."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said,
"My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
Chloe O'brien
16-05-2011, 14:14
The kids have all their little SMS codes...like BFF, WTF, LOL etc. So here are some codes for the seniors:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TTM L - Talk to me Louder
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin in!
Hilarious Signs
Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
Number 9 is my personal favourite
LFC FOR LIFE
They are all very good, I like the one above the maternity room door best :lol:
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
-----
I can't decide whether the funniest thing is the actual joke or the fact that there wouldn't be any papers on a Sunday anyway...
??? I do read papers on a Sunday
Didn't think they delivered them on Sunday though?
Didn't think they delivered them on Sunday though?
I had Sunday papers delivered on a Sunday when I lived in UK, but that was a few years ago
JustJodi
05-06-2011, 10:10
Message on Grandparents Answering Machine:
Hello - we're not home, but please leave your message after you hear the beep. Beeeeepp...
If you are one of our children, press 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the grandkids, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes, press 4
If you want the grandkids to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the grandkids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come here to eat, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are inviting us to dinner, or want to take us out, we are listening so start talking!
This is rather long and I apologise for that but it is brilliant (as well as a few years old)
Dear Americans
(I hope nobody really gets offended by this, it's all just for fun)
To the citizens of the United States of America...
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee'). You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnats' Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnats' Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
LFC FOR LIFE
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK....
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.' I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr.
Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are
correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
JustJodi
07-07-2011, 08:57
Talk about bizzarre, wait until you read this one!!!
You couldn't dream up stuff like this!
For those who have served on a jury...this one is something to think
about. Just when you think you have heard everything!!
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, (AAFS)
President, Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal
complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23,1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'
When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist....
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus..
He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.
The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical
examiner closed the case as a suicide.
A true story from Associated Press..
Chloe O'brien
07-07-2011, 10:07
try explaining that on CSI
JustJodi
07-07-2011, 13:19
try explaining that on CSI
I am sure they will solve the problem in 24 minutes...LOL
My name is sally scott and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 40-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended rangeworthy court school .
'yes, yes i did. I'm a ranger! ' he beamed with pride.
'when did you leave to go to college?' i asked
he answered, in 1966. Why do you ask?
'you were in my class!' i exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then that ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled,
fat arsed,
grey haired,
decrepit,
b*st*rd asked.....
'what did you teach?'
JustJodi
19-07-2011, 14:56
Drafting men over 60 ----
This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier-
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling..
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
How about recruiting Women over 50 ....in menopause! You think Men have attitudes! Ohhhhhh my God!
If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They'll have it secured the first night! .
Teacher:
Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have
brought happiness and peace into people's lives ?
Little Johnny answered:
Drin-king, Smo-king, and Bon-king.
JustJodi
27-07-2011, 20:09
Teacher:
Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have
brought happiness and peace into people's lives ?
Little Johnny answered:
Drin-king, Smo-king, and Bon-king.
bawahahahahahhahahaaha
JustJodi
27-07-2011, 20:11
5 OLD LADIES
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies,
two in the front seat and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ..the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189.."
Little Johnny: "May I go to the toilet Miss"
Teacher: "Alright but first can you say the alphabet for me"
so little Johnny goes
"a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z"
Teacher: "Very good Johnny but where wasd the p"
Little Johnny "Running down my legs Miss"
LFC FOR LIFE YNWA JFT96
two men were in a cemetry admiring some of the graves. One was suddenly shocked, ah pal you will never believe this, a man here died when i was a 156!
Really said his mate, what was his name?
Miles from London
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'
Neighbors feared him and believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.' And you know men won't ask for directions...
JustJodi
01-08-2011, 08:22
After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day andsaid ..... "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bedand watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night witha hot 23-year-old girl. Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and alarge screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the deal." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make surethat I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleepingon a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great?They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
Husband Throwing Darts At His Wife’s Photo And Not Even A Single One Hitting The Target..
From Another Room Wife Called The Husband : “Honey What Are You Doing..
Husband: “MISSING YOU”..
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves..
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
nice one
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.
http://www.soapboards.co.uk/forums/images/icons/icon10.gifhttp://www.soapboards.co.uk/forums/images/icons/icon10.gifhttp://www.soapboards.co.uk/forums/images/icons/icon10.gif
Please do not post links to commercial sites without permission from the Admin
Please do not post links to commercial sites without permission from the Admin
r
Alan, it is not a personal link.. it is url for a smilie that didn't work... it has the soapboard URL in it
r
Alan, it is not a personal link.. it is url for a smilie that didn't work... it has the soapboard URL in it
Have you tried it
http://img379.imageshack.us/img379/4835/pic25561jw9.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
HAHA really very hot:cheer:
http://www.centplay.com/affiliate/games_4320/
Deep in the back woods of Letcher County Kentucky, a hill billy's wife went into labour in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'
Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there's another one coming.'
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, . .. . . ....
'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'
.
Deep in the back woods of Letcher County Kentucky, a hill billy's wife went into labour in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'
Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there's another one coming.'
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, . .. . . ....
'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'
http://www.picgifs.com/graphics/a/3d-smileys/graphics-3d-smileys-177509.gif (http://www.picgifs.com/graphics/)
No offence to the Scottish intended :)
Donating blood in Scotland
A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, in appreciation for giving his blood, the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ...
but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins."
:D
Dear people who type all in lower case,
We are the differece between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.. Sincerely, Capital Letters
Could not copy this from the original for some reason but think this is a clever way to explain the difference :D
Pantherboy
27-05-2016, 13:40
With apologies to the Irish. No offence intended!
During a recent Password Audit at the Bank of Ireland, it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password, he replied "Bejazus! Are yez stupid? Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital!"
Very funny jokes Perdita and Pantherboy! :lol:
Pantherboy
29-07-2016, 08:36
A joke, or should I say a 'groan' to end the week!
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride & groom.
It was their time to stand up & speak, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a beautiful young woman carrying an infant child. She stood up slowly, then started walking slowly toward the pastor.
Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks & wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
The reply, "We can't hear you up the back!"
Pantherboy
10-10-2016, 22:10
Topical joke:
The Pope & Donald Trump are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a large crowd. The Pope leans towards Trump & says "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts & they'll forever speak of this day & rejoice!" Trump replies, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!" So the Pope backhanded him & knocked him off the stage! AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY & there was happiness throughout the land!
Pantherboy
13-06-2017, 23:21
Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence:
The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are
welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed
to do so.'
Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said
to her, 'Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak
two words.'
Sister Mary said 'Hard bed.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'
After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest. 'You
may say another two words, Sister Mary.'
'Cold food,' said Sister Mary, and the Priest assured her that the
food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called
Sister Mary in to his office. 'You may say two words today.'
'I quit,' said Sister Mary.
'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch
since you got here.'
Pantherboy
23-08-2017, 02:29
Getting in early!
A little Christmas story (its only 19 weeks away) Joke:
A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this!
Pantherboy
16-09-2017, 22:56
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females" he replied.
Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
tammyy2j
19-09-2017, 16:20
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject"
I laughed :o:D
Pantherboy
09-11-2017, 02:57
Apologies in advance for this one! Haha!
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed...?" asked one detective....
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied....
"A golf gun...! What is a golf gun...?"
"I don't know....But it sure made a hole in Juan...."
if minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?
the trump card
Pantherboy
23-12-2017, 05:12
Haha!
IN GOD WE TRUST
ACTS 2:38
You gotta love compassionate Christian Seniors.
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
services, when she was startled to see an intruder there.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home
of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ,
so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
“Why did you just stand there?
All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar.
“She said she had an Axe and Two 38s!”
KNOWING SCRIPTURE CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE!
Pantherboy
13-03-2018, 20:57
You learn something new every day!! Haha!
HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE!
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks..
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth. 😉
You know I would not make up this stuff -- RIGHT?? 😁
Pantherboy
04-05-2018, 23:19
An Aussie joke for you!
A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' - 'Sounds great, the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A burger, chips and a coke.' - 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Brilliant idea, same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.60'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a carton of milk or a new car, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
Pantherboy
08-06-2018, 22:56
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon
and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said,
"I do....Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,
"I just thought you’d like to know
that your horse is almost dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough
Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse water
and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,
"Tonto, I want you to run around Silver
and see if you can create enough of a breeze
to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe"
and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait,
the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims,
"I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"
Pantherboy
18-06-2018, 00:19
During a recent medical, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"
"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really horrible golfer".
Pantherboy
27-08-2018, 22:44
Signs of the times.
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).
Pantherboy
16-10-2018, 02:43
OLD TIMER
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing..
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but.... I've always wanted to"
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control...
*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid....
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
Pantherboy
23-12-2018, 20:55
A Warning about Drink Driving during the Christmas Break
With Christmas upon us again I would like to share a personal and life-changing
experience with my family and friends - involving drinking and driving.
As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities
from time to time on the way home after a "social session" with friends.
Two days ago we were in town for an evening with friends and had more than a
few beers followed by some bottles of excellent wine.
Although feeling OK we still had the sense to know that we were probably
slightly over the limit. That's when we did something that we normally
would not do - we actually took a cab.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock but since we
were in a cab they waved us past and we arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise, as we had never driven a cab before, we don't even know
where we got it and now that it's in our garage and we don't know what to do with it.
So if you want to borrow it give me a call.
Cheers and Merry Christmas to each and every one of you.
Pantherboy
02-02-2019, 09:46
The Art collector
A New York Attorney representing a wealthy art collector phoned and asked to speak to his client.
"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day, let me hear the good news first."
The Attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures which she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The Attorney replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
The Art collector
A New York Attorney representing a wealthy art collector phoned and asked to speak to his client.
"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day, let me hear the good news first."
The Attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures which she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The Attorney replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
:lol:
Pantherboy
26-03-2019, 21:58
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
Pantherboy
01-06-2019, 23:38
For those who remember the old nursery rhyme...…..
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(You're gonna love this.)
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)
Never take life too seriously.
Pantherboy
10-06-2019, 08:26
A man took his six-year-old daughter to the office.
As they were walking around the office, the girl started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong with her.
As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly.
“Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?”
A man took his six-year-old daughter to the office.
As they were walking around the office, the girl started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong with her.
As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly.
“Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?”
:lol:
Pantherboy
03-11-2019, 20:52
Arriving home, a husband was met by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "The Chemist. He insulted me this morning on the phone.
I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
The husband drove down to confront the Chemist to demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said "Now, just a minute... hear my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late.
Without breakfast I hurried out to the car, to realise I'd locked the house with house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.."
"Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
About three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.
I started waiting on these people,
All the time the damn phone never stopped ringing."
"Then I had to break open a bag of pound coins against the cash register drawer to give change, and they spilled all over the floor
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the pound coins and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me, mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
Paddy walked into the local and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, Paddy got up to head of home saying goodnight to the barman
"S'cuse me," said a shamo, sitting at the bar who'd been watching Paddy confused "What in the name of jaysis was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Paddy, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives and told me i better not touch a pint."
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give them a used tampon and ask them which period it came from
Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "Is it common? "It's not unusual
What do you call an Italian beggar?
Giovanni Change
A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big **** and long legs, who agrees with everything I say!! :lol:
What do you call an Italian beggar? Giovanni Change That was so bad, it is good
tammyy2j
24-12-2022, 23:35
A cracker joke
Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, ?Shouldn?t! Wouldn?t! Couldn?t! Didn?t! Can?t!?
?Don?t worry,? said the doc. ?Those are just contractions.?
What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.....
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