View Full Version : Jokes
Thought we might have a Jokes thread, maybe if it takes off we can make it sticky? Post your favourite, best and worst jokes for everyone to read. It might brighten up your day if you have had a particularly stressfull day at work, school or at home with the kids. Remember it takes far less muscles to smile than it does to frown :)
I'll start the first one off with an oldie but goodie.
Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest
celebrating and drinking. Friar Tuck started to sing louder
and louder with each drink. Robin, fearing that the
Sheriff's men might hear the band celebrate, dragged the
friar into the woods and threw him in the river...but Tuck
climbed out and continued singing without missing a note.
The moral of the story? You can lead a drunk to water, but
you cannot make him hoarse
sad i know but it might just make someones day :)
Enjoy :)
(edited because i can't spell)
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at Tesco's, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked an assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "No love, they're dead."
A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it his lorry gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car, walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The lorry driver replied, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel."
Three couples wanted to join their local church. An elderly couple in their eighties, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple.
At the meeting with the vicar they were told that they would only be allowed to join if they could abstain from sex for four weeks.
They were to come back after that time and report.
Four weeks later they all met with the vicar and were asked how they had fared.
The elderly couple said that they had had no problem whatsoever. The middle aged couple said that the first three weeks were fine but the last week was a struggle, but they just managed it. The vicar congratulated them and welcomed them into the church.
He then turned to the newlyweds. "And how did you go on," he asked.
"Well," said the husband, "the first two weeks were not too bad, the third week was very difficult, but the fourth week was impossible. It was okay until we decided to do some decorating. My wife reached up to a high shelf for a tin of paint and dropped it. As she bent over to pick it up I was overcome with lust and we had sex there and then."
"You realise that because of your actions you won't be welcome in this church?" said the vicar.
"We won't be welcome in Homebase either," replied the wife.
Mrs. O'Brien comes to visit her son Seamus for 3 days in Dublin where he is studying.
She finds out that her son lives with Vikki, a girl room mate.
Mrs. O'Brien couldn't help but notice how pretty Seamus's room-mate was. She suspects a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Reading his Mum's thoughts, Seamus volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just room-mates."
About a week later, Vikki came to Seamus saying, "Ever since your mother left, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it do you?"
'Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.' So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mam,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you left.
Love, Seamus
Several days later, Seamus received an email from his Mam which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mam.
An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on a reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him...
"Chief Two Eagles", asked one official, " You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, " Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied...
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it...
No Taxes,
No Debt,
Plenty Buffalo,
Plenty Beaver,
Women did all the work,
Medicine Man was free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,
All night enjoying spouse."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled...
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No". After all the nagging, he agrees and says, OK".
Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's Love Juice?"
Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all.
Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?"
Johnny replies: "Wimbledon."
An Irish priest is driving down to London and gets stopped for speeding on the M1.
The Policeman smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The Policeman says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour, Harold, peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely inquired, "Hi there, Nancy. What are you doing?" In tears and without looking up, poor little Nancy replied,
"My goldfish died and I've just finished burying him."
The neighbour was deeply touched, but amused when he observed, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt, stood up and brushed the grass and leaves from her knees then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with big feet?"
The cowboy grinned and said,
"Shore is, little lady! Why don't ya'll come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
The woman replied, "Don't be flattered . . .take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.
(i'm sorry that one just tickled me)
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Jesus, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
"Well sir", says the waiter, "What did you order?"
"We both chose the same", he replies, "the chicken surprise"
"Oh I do apologise, this is my fault" says the waiter, "I've brought you the Peking Duck"
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that!"
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." he frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."
I was sat in my local the other day when this piece of tarmac walked in.
He walked up to the bar and said to the barman "My name is the M4, can I have a pint please", landlord obliged.
Two minutes later in walks another bit of tarmac, walks up to the bar orders a pint and introduces himself as the M5 and starts talking to the M4.
Five minutes on and in comes a red bit of tarmac and orders pint and goes and sits in the corner.
Landlord leans over and asks the M4 and M5 why they didn't speak to the other bit of tarmac, to which they replied "we don't go near him, he's a cyclepath"
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If the police arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you’ll be right.
The easiest way to find something that’s lost is to buy a replacement.
How come when you open a can of evaporated milk it’s still there?
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Maybe i should have named this thread "Rains Jokes"
I'm sorry i get carried away sometimes :(
http://www.funnies.com/sotired.htm
lmao....credit chance credit
pinkles14
02-10-2005, 22:57
:rotfl: that was a good one chance
.:SpIcYsPy:.
03-10-2005, 18:16
Love the Vikki one!!
Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No". After all the nagging, he agrees and says, OK".
Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's Love Juice?"
Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all.
Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?"
Johnny replies: "Wimbledon."
Don't get it..
Emma-Lou
03-10-2005, 18:25
Love and Juice are tennis terms
Carrie Bradshaw
03-10-2005, 18:26
Love the Vikki one!!
Don't get it..
'Love' and 'Deuce' are scores in tennis!
i loved the lovejuice one and the irish priest ones! Classsics!!
Behemoth
03-10-2005, 21:20
Moved to 'Fun & Games Forum'
Please try and keep all jokes in this forum :thumbsup:
Jessie Wallace
03-10-2005, 21:33
http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a216/JessieWallace33/Pictures%20for%20Soap%20boards/1.gif
HOW TO START YOUR DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. Feel better?
ROFLMAO...i tried that one and it made me feel soooooo much better
Moved to 'Fun & Games Forum'
Please try and keep all jokes in this forum :thumbsup:
Will do :)
Jessie Wallace
03-10-2005, 22:32
Yep, it's great, works a treat! lol
.:SpIcYsPy:.
04-10-2005, 22:19
Lol... More please :D!!
Blonde Cook Book:
MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
An elderly couple think they are becoming forgetful in their old age so they go to the doctors.
The doctor checks them over and gives them the all clear.
He tells them that its just their age and tells them a good idea is to write things down so they do not forget.
A few days later the elderly couple are sitting at home in the evening when the wife says 'I think it would be nice to have some ice cream'.
The husbands says "that would be nice, but you had better write it down".
"No" she says, "Im only going into the kitchen, I'm not that forgetful".
20 minutes later the wife comes back from the kitchen with a plate of scrambled eggs.
"I told you to write it down" says the husband,
"What have I done wrong?" says the wife,
"You forgot the toast" says the husband.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous lorry full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge lorry full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, saying: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!"
Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
"You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large lorries full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand?
You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
On a flight to Chicago , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
The flight attendant noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said,' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters:WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he was in a hospital. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
'What happened?' he exclaimed.
'You pushed one too many buttons,' replied the nurse.
'The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whisky received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!" She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the window, she said "Don't sell that cow."
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE...................
"Ernesto! If you broke that driver YOU'RE FIRED ! "
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
***sharon rules***
06-10-2005, 20:48
here a good joke:
What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?
edward.
What do you call a man with 2 planks of wood on his head?
edward edward.
What do you call a man with 3 planks of wood on his head?
edward edward edward
What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head?
i dont know but edward wood wood wood know.
i heard that from my science teacher last year i found it funny the first time when i heard it.did you like it?
xsoftladybugx
06-10-2005, 21:14
here a good joke:
What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?
edward.
What do you call a man with 2 planks of wood on his head?
edward edward.
What do you call a man with 3 planks of wood on his head?
edward edward edward
What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head?
i dont know but edward wood wood wood know.
i heard that from my science teacher last year i found it funny the first time when i heard it.did you like it?
I dont get it..
twinkle_eyes83
09-10-2005, 00:45
if i tell you this you're not to tell anyone,your the only one i've told so far cos your a good friend, but guess who's due in three months..............
................ ****ing santa
twinkle_eyes83
09-10-2005, 00:46
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you
twinkle_eyes83
09-10-2005, 00:46
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal...
twinkle_eyes83
09-10-2005, 00:47
you know you are living in 2005 when......
1) you accidently enter your password on the microwave
2)you have'nt played solitare with real cards in years
3)you have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3
4)you e-mail the person at the next desk to you
5)you reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is cos they dont have e-mail
6)you pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile to phone to see if there is anyone home to help you carry the shopping in
7)every commercial on tv has a website
8)leaving your house without your mobile,which you did'nt have the first 20 or 30 (or60) years of your life, is now a cause of panic and you turn around to go and get it 10) you get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee
11)you start tilting your head sideways to smile :)
12) your reading this and nodding and laughing
13)even worse,you already know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message
14) you are to busy to notice there was no #9 on this list
15)you actually scrolled back to check there was not a #9 on this list AND now your laughing at yourself!!!!!!!!!
twinkle_eyes83
09-10-2005, 00:48
1 You can GET chocolate. 2 "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. 3 Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 4 You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 5 You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 6 You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 7 If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind. 8 Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 9 The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 10 You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates. 11 You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 12 You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. 13 With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 14 Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. 15 You can have chocolate at any time of the month. 16 Good chocolate is easy to find. 17 You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 18 You are never too young or too old for chocolate. 19 When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. 20 With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.
twinkle_eyes83
09-10-2005, 00:49
10. For Valentine's Day he gives you a box of Pop Tarts and says, "If you need me, I'll be at Hooters."
9. The only thing you have in common is your hatred for one another.
8. You ask the guy at Hallmark where the "Controlling Bitch" section is.
7. You keep finding receipts for the guys she's hired to kill you.
6. You still haven't forgiven him for nailing that fat intern when he was a resident.
5. She brings a date to couples counseling.
4. You just married Liza Minnelli.
3. He won't shut up about how great his secretary is in bed.
2. You sleep in separate beds in separate bedrooms in separate houses in separate states.
1. Her pet nickname for you -- "Numb-nuts."
twinkle_eyes83
09-10-2005, 00:50
Birds and Bees
EDIT: Please don't post adult jokes in the Fun & Games Forum.
twinkle_eyes83
09-10-2005, 00:51
What's six inches long and gets women excited?
A £50 NOTE!
twinkle_eyes83
09-10-2005, 00:51
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*sings* Go twinkle go twinkle go twinkle
These are great
> One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
> Sexy
>
> nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
>
> So he tied her up and went golfing.
>
> **************************************************
>
> A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
>
> house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
>
> pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
>
> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
>
>
> stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
>
> **************************************************
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
>
> other is a husband.
>
> **************************************************
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
> First,
>
> of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a
> card
>
> with the letters:
>
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
>
> "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
>
> "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
> **************************************************
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
> tell
>
> you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
>
> "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
> chardonnay."
>
> **************************************************
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>
> Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
>
> "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>
> You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
>
> THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
>
> we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
>
> Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
>
> to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
>
> Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
>
> You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
>
> USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
>
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
>
> You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
>
> The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
>
> what it feels like when I'm driving."
>
> *************************************************
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
>
> drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued
> him a comb.
>
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
>
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
>
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
>
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
>
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
>
Footie_Chick
05-02-2007, 14:27
Lol, the one about the eggs is the best!!!!! :)
di marco
05-02-2007, 18:58
lol theyre funny, especially the last one! :D
laurouski
05-03-2007, 19:51
LOL, I got exactly the same selection of jokes in an e-mail the other day!
I don't know if any of you have heard this on - it has been going round for a while - but it made me laugh:
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL of the story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them...
2 old couples having dinner, after dinner the women go to the kitchen to do the dishes while the men talk over brandy and cigars
1st old man: nice meal I thought
2nd old man: yeah, we went out to dinner the other night to a lovely resturant, the food was fabulous
1st old man: so where was this resturant
2nd old man: what do you call that flower, you know.. red petal.. thorns.. given for love...
1st old man: Rose?
2nd old man: yeah that it! (calls to kitchen) ROSE!!! what was the name of that resturant we went to the other night?
:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
laurouski
06-03-2007, 21:36
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
Shellymez
07-03-2007, 08:40
Haha love that one Non! its sooo true...I have a few jokes myself but they are too rude and stuff.... good ones though!:rotfl: :lol:
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet."
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee."
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree."
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget."
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?
"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Eees a Ham Bush.
Londoner
12-03-2007, 21:04
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Please don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. I knew the feds would read my mail!
Love Vinnie:cheer: :rotfl: :thumbsup:
http://img379.imageshack.us/img379/4835/pic25561jw9.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
Chloe O'brien
29-03-2007, 12:38
ham bush, ham bush :rotfl: I can't believe I fell for that one
I have a long joke about a rabbit, lion, griaffe and elephant. It has four references to drugs, just the names, not anything major. Can I post it? Just wanted to check before I do it.
I have a long joke about a rabbit, lion, griaffe and elephant. It has four references to drugs, just the names, not anything major. Can I post it? Just wanted to check before I do it.
should be ok think ive hear it before post it and if is not appropriate i'll move it to the mile high
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he
stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at
her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with
me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much
better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses
it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit
again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this?
Think about your health. Come running with us through the
pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all,
and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit
and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up...
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health!
Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so
good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts
to beat the **** out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him
and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely
trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little ****** makes me run around
the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
laurouski
03-04-2007, 17:21
Just gotta say, loved the ham-bush joke, JoJo! :thumbsup:
--------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
a. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
b. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
c. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
d. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
e. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
f. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
g. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later
h. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat’s head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with a pencil and blow down straw.
i. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply a Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
j. Retrieve the cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with a dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with an elastic band.
k. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on its hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch another one from bedroom.
l. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the *********g cat from a tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
m. Tie the little b******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind lightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat’s throat to wash down pill.
n. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
o. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
a. Wrap it in bacon.
--------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not sure I completely agree with the dog part, though. Usually it works but sometimes my dog manages to very niftily unwrap it with his tongue, spit the pill out, and swallow the bacon (usually without chewing, so most of the time he has a choking fit afterwards, meaning we have to sit there patting him on the back like we're burping a baby), in about 2 seconds.
Apart from that, it's very simple.. :D
Sorry about the swearwords. :o
Chloe O'brien
05-04-2007, 23:40
:rotfl: :rotfl: oh my word. We used to have a dog and he was on tablets, we were told by the vet to either hide the pill in his dog food,so we tried it but he just eat the dog food in his bowl and left the tablet. So we tried to prize open his mouth throw the tablet in and hold his mouth closed for a couple of minutes hoping that he would have swalloed the dam thing. Once you let go of his mouth he used to spit the pill back out. :lol:
laurouski
07-04-2007, 18:01
:rotfl: :rotfl: oh my word. We used to have a dog and he was on tablets, we were told by the vet to either hide the pill in his dog food,so we tried it but he just eat the dog food in his bowl and left the tablet. So we tried to prize open his mouth throw the tablet in and hold his mouth closed for a couple of minutes hoping that he would have swalloed the dam thing. Once you let go of his mouth he used to spit the pill back out. :lol:
LOL. I had to try the exact same thing with my dog! He just pushed it out of the sides of his mouth with his tongue, so we had to cover every little bit to make sure there were no weak spots, tip his head up, and rub his throat to make it go down! He used to try and escape so I had to restrain him with one hand while making sure that he couldn't spit the pill out with the other. :rolleyes:
He also did the same thing - and left the pill in the bottom of his food bowl.
Now, we've discovered that the most effective way is to roll it in gravy. The stupid dog REFUSED to swallow it when it was wrapped up in a nice bit of meat, but all you had to do was roll it in a little bit of gravy and he swallowed it down straight away, like it was a biscuit or something!
Also, I was reading 'Marley and Me' by John Grogan, the other day and he wrote that the best way to get Marley to swallow a pill was to throw it on the floor and pretend he wasn't suppose to eat it, lol. :D
But that's enough about dogs.. :o
------------------------------------------------
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed
distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he
could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which
the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look
on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood
frozen thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with
his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son
Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off
the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if
this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his
way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared
back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him
instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Chloe O'brien
07-04-2007, 22:49
I think you may have been right there about it not being the same elephant :lol:
megan999
19-06-2007, 18:45
A man walks into a bar with his dog and tells the bartender his dog is an ironmonger. "Prove it" says the bartender. So the man sticks a red hot poker up the dog's a**e and it makes a bolt for the door.
What's yellow and smells of banana?
Monkey puke.
moonstorm
21-06-2007, 11:47
Being the owners of two phsyco cats, the cat joke had me crying with laughter!!
Londoner
07-07-2007, 10:32
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
CS: "What sort of trouble?"
C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
CS: "Went away?"
C: "They disappeared."
CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
C: "Nothing."
CS: "Nothing?"
C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
C: "How do I tell?"
CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
C: "What's a sea-prompt?"
CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
C: "What's a monitor?"
CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
C: "I don't know."
CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
C: "Yes, I think so."
CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
C: ".......Yes, it is."
CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
C: "No."
CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
C: ".......Okay, here it is."
CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
C: "No."
CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
CS: "Dark?"
C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."
C: "I can't."
CS: "No? Why not?"
C: "Because there's a power outage."
CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
C: "Really? Is it that bad?"
CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Londoner
07-07-2007, 10:37
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
Londoner
07-07-2007, 10:39
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
:eek:
Londoner
07-07-2007, 10:42
Just a reminder........
Why Parents Have Gray Hair
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!
.:SpIcYsPy:.
07-07-2007, 16:09
LMAO!!! These sure are some brilliant jokes! Loving them all thank-you Londoner!
Hilarious! Thanks for brightening up my day :)
Londoner
09-07-2007, 18:42
A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.
Nahh" said the bloke,
"I'm just a really bad conductor"
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
Chloe O'brien
10-07-2007, 12:51
Oh my word these are getting worse :rotfl:
Londoner
10-07-2007, 13:08
Yeah sorry about that, i know they are getting worse, will find some better ones and post them soon.
:thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Londoner
16-07-2007, 14:25
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.":thumbsup:
Londoner
16-07-2007, 14:25
A man walks into a bar, orders the bartender for two beers. He continues this for several nights and the bartender got a bit curious. The bartender walks up to him and asks "Sir, why do you always ask for two drinks?" the man replies, "I used to come here with my best friend but now he's dead. And I'm drinking the second beer on his behalf." A few days later, the man orders only for 1 beer. Curious, the bartender asks him," why only 1 beer now sir?" man replies, "I have given up drinking!"
Londoner
16-07-2007, 14:26
Two guys in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. One guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps". The other guy takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping. The guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. The loser says "Well I saw it too but I didn't think he would jump again"
Londoner
16-07-2007, 14:28
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pi**ed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!" Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."
laurouski
22-09-2007, 13:10
Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have. Jim and Edna were both
patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the
hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank
to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to
save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she
said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are
being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis
by jumping in and saving the life of another that you have a sound mind.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?"
__________________________________________________ ___
(This one is a bit rude)
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
samantha nixon
22-09-2007, 17:40
:rotfl: lol there funny, I love the 2nd one
pinkles14
23-09-2007, 17:13
lol :rotfl: the second one was funny
Chloe O'brien
23-09-2007, 23:14
A visitor to a mental insitution asked the director how he decides, which patients should be kept in. The director said "We fill up a bath, then we offer the patient a teaspoon, a tea cup or a bucket" and ask them to empty the bathtub. The visitor said " Oh I see, a normal person would choose the bucket because it's the biggest" The director replied "No a normal person would pull the f**king plug out" Would you like a bed near the window.
Pinkbanana
23-09-2007, 23:18
A visitor to a mental insitution asked the director how he decides, which patients should be kept in. The director said "We fill up a bath, then we offer the patient a teaspoon, a tea cup or a bucket" and ask them to empty the bathtub. The visitor said " Oh I see, a normal person would choose the bucket because it's the biggest" The director replied "No a normal person would pull the f**king plug out" Would you like a bed near the window.
Oh thats a good one!!! :rotfl: :thumbsup:
pookie1968uk
29-09-2007, 18:45
my dauhter told me this joke today......
Why do only 10% of men go to heaven?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
because if all of them went it would be hell!!!
StarsOfCCTV
29-09-2007, 21:05
This ones a little rude:
-
-
-
-
-
A cannibal captured three men. He said to each of them "Go and collect ten pieces of fruit. Come back here and stick them up your bum. If you can put all ten pieces up your bum withought showing any emotion, I'll let you go. If you show emotion I'll kill you."
The first man went off and collected 10 apples. On the 5th apple he winced, so the cannibal killed him.
The second man went off and collected 10 grapes. On the 9th grape he laughed, so the cannibal killed him.
Back in heaven, the first man said to the second man "Why did you laugh? You could have lived!!"
The second man replied "I couldn't help it, I saw the third man collecting pineapples"
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
my dauhter told me this joke today......
Why do only 10% of men go to heaven?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
because if all of them went it would be hell!!!
Lol Now I like that one :)
And its very true
laurouski
30-09-2007, 21:35
Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someon made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery, where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies:
"The word was...
CELEBRATE!!!"
:lol: :rotfl: Very funny, like it.:thumbsup:
StarsOfCCTV
19-10-2007, 21:07
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The head Nun of the convent called all 100 Nuns into the foyer for an emergency meeting.
"Last night," She started "I found something terrible in one of the sisters rooms."
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"
"A condom!" said the head Nun.
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"
Head Nun "And it was used!"
99 Nuns "Oh no"
1 Nun "He, he"
Head Nun "And it had a hole in it!"
1 Nun "Oh no"
99 Nuns "He, he"
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the Intensive Care Unit. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice, complimentary, from the last shop.
She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he
will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the Intensive Care Unit. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice, complimentary, from the last shop.
She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he
will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'
Thank you so much for that. Its the first laugh I've had in ages.
I met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bull*********d a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf." and she said
"Take a sweater."
Don gets home late one night and his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'
Don replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'
'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'
'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust.
'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'
'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'
Don is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well
that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later,
the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes... how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they're done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist,
how did you figure that out?"
"I didn't feel a thing!"
StarsOfCCTV
08-11-2007, 18:48
A Cat's Diary
Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.
I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.
StarsOfCCTV
21-11-2007, 15:48
Being the owners of two phsyco cats, the cat joke had me crying with laughter!!
Omg same :rotfl: :rotfl: Love the Cat joke :lol:
----------------------------------------------------------
Eve and adam
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've being complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your... ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advise to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first...So, just remember... it's our secret... Woman-to-woman!"
Chloe O'brien
23-11-2007, 23:00
What do you do when you see a blonde female running towards you with a pin in her hand?
Answer: Run as fast as you can as she will have a hand granade in her mouth :lol:
Lizzie Brookes
25-11-2007, 19:04
Here are some jokes:
1. Three deaf men traveled by train together. The train stopped at a station.
The first man said "This is Wembly".
"The second man responded "No, its Thursday"
The third replied "Me too, let's go for a drink".
2. A man dying of thirst in the Sahara desert came crawling along until he saw a tie salesman sat at a table selling ties.
He begged the tie salesman for water to quench his thirst.The tie salesman responded "I know what you'd like. Have a tie".
The man said "are you mad? I'm dying of thirst here".
The tie salesman replied "Since I am a good guy I shall give you irections to a restraunt where they will give you water to drink" and did so.
Three quarters of an hour later the thirsty man crawled back.
"What's wrong?" the tie salesman asked. Didn't you find the restraunt"
"Oh I found it all right but they wouldn't let me in without a tie".
3. The psychiatrist cured my alcoholism. He charged so much I couldn't afford the liquor.
First Christmas Joke of the Season
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Holiday Season Begins....
TaintedLove
21-12-2007, 22:08
:lol love it
:D
TaintedLove
22-12-2007, 02:38
A Swedish au pair went to her employer and asked for some time off from her work. When the employer asked her why, Ingrid said that her boyfriend was in the Navy and was wanting some time off to visit him at the Navy base.
The employer smiled and said 'aww isn`t that romantic - how long is your boyfriends furlough'? And Ingrid replied..."the same length as your husbands but a little bit thicker.
:D :D
StarsOfCCTV
22-12-2007, 11:57
Lucky 13, that’s just how many shocking comments this physician claimed his patients actually made while he was performing their colonoscopies. Enjoy! (Not referring to a colonoscopy that is…)
“Take it easy Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before!”
“Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
“Can you hear me NOW?”
“Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
“You know in Arkansas we’re now legally married.”
“Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?”
“You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”
“Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
“If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!”
“Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
“You used to be an executive at Enron didn’t you?”
“God, Now I know why I am not gay.”
“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there.”:D
“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there.”[/LIST]:D
:lol: Thats funny
moonstorm
24-12-2007, 08:32
Absolutely LOVED the last one :lol:
A blond joke I actually like
Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy", then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the world are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out t. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "....and where do you think you're going?!"
(You're gonna love this…!)
She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."
A blond joke I actually like
Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy", then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the world are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out t. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "....and where do you think you're going?!"
(You're gonna love this…!)
She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."
:rotfl: :lol: :rotfl: :lol:
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet
parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and
requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to
leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The
cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife
doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going
upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I
said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I
grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep
her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and
threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...
I hope this is not a true story as no animal should be left outside on New Year's Eve, they get scared of the fireworks and might even get harmed. Otherwise very funny story :lol:
another one and quiet surprising if true
When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there
is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'
another one and quiet surprising if true
When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there
is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'
This is true? :eek: I repeat the last sentence even though I have not had a bad day and I certainly do not work for J&J. :lol:
Two women went out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.
They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties," so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties."
The other one responded "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her a*se that read "We will never forget you".
StarsOfCCTV
19-02-2008, 21:36
Good one Perdita :lol:
Bit of a rude one:
A chicken and an egg were laying in bed after doing you know what. With a very satisfied look on it's face the egg said to the chicken 'well I guess that answers the long asked question'.....:p
Good one Perdita :lol:
Bit of a rude one:
A chicken and an egg were laying in bed after doing you know what. With a very satisfied look on it's face the egg said to the chicken 'well I guess that answers the long asked question'.....:p
:rotfl: :lol: :rotfl: :lol: Love it!
Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table.
One of them spots a whisk and asks: "What's that?"
The other egg looks puzzled and replies: "Beats me"
Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work?
So she could draw blood.
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Why are guys like lava lamps?
They're fun to watch, but not very bright!
Bit rude:
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brain!
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
:lol: Thats a good one, and very funny!
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their arses.
The results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their **** is too fat............
10% of women think their **** is too skinny......
The remaining 60% say they don ' t care, they love him, he's a good man,
and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
:rotfl: :lol:
Chloe O'brien
11-03-2008, 11:05
Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
Cause they don't have balls to scratch :lol:
=============================
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.... Pardon me for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low;
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went..
StarsOfCCTV
04-04-2008, 19:14
INSTALLING HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 , CFL 3.0, NHL/06 9.2 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
———————————————— ————–
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.html ” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But re member, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
Very true and apt and very funny :lol: :rotfl:
LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
StarsOfCCTV
07-04-2008, 20:20
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Soz bout the swearing
Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Very good, all of them. :lol: :rotfl:
You learn something everyday...here's your lesson:
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
:lol:
moonstorm
10-04-2008, 09:25
I love when you give us the origins of words. It is always so interesting how things came about.
I love when you give us the origins of words. It is always so interesting how things came about.
Got a few more, however, I would get banned from this forum if I would post them :banned: :lol: :rotfl:
If they're rude you can post them in the mile high forum when you reach 1000 posts.
If they're rude you can post them in the mile high forum when you reach 1000 posts.
Uh. Uh **jumps up and down**, nearly there :eek:
Posts in fun and games and banner/fan art don't count towards your post number.
Posts in fun and games and banner/fan art don't count towards your post number.
I know, thank you but I am sure I can achieve another 8 posts or so by this weekend. :thumbsup:
StarsOfCCTV
10-04-2008, 11:26
Some Words That Should Exist
1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and re fold a road map at the same time.
2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa bib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).
4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fect') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove all the germs.
9. ECNALUBMA (ek na leb' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear view mirror.
10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.
11. ELBONICS (el bon icks') n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
12. ELECELLERATON (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay' shun) v. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side.
15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
19. PUPKUS (pup kus') n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses it nose to it.
20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, when you're only six inches away.
Some Words That Should Exist
18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. Done this :lol:
They are very believable expressions :lol: Very good!
19. PUPKUS (pup kus') n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses it nose to it.
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
Hollie-x
16-04-2008, 16:36
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a
fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary
money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a
turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the
public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and
after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth
owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he
had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was
a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the
drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead
a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered
off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than
before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the
drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was
given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third
attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in
the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three
times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time
there was an onlooker with good eyesight."That's fantastic", the
man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to
the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic!
Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this
magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me
another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
DOUBLE VODKA
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six
double vodka."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came
back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
double vodkas.
The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
The Mum Test
The Mum Test: I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. ' Why? ' my daughter asked. ' Because it ' s been on the ground, you don ' t know where it ' s been, it ' s dirty, and probably has germs. ' I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, ' Mum, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart? ' I was thinking quickly. ' All mums know this stuff. It ' s on the Mum Test. You have to know it, or they don ' t let you be a Mum. ' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. ' OHHH. . . I get it! ' She beamed, ' So if you don ' t pass the test you have to be the dad. ' ' ' Exactly ' I replied back with a big smile on my face.
moonstorm
06-06-2008, 12:57
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller… He can see from her nameplate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack.
So he says, “Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.” Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says “$30,000”. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s all OK because he knows the branch manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what the heck is this all about?”
>
>
>
>
>
(Are you ready ???) …..
>
>
>
>
>
…The bank manager looks back at her and says: “Obviously - It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.
StarsOfCCTV
06-06-2008, 13:11
Advantages Of Being A Woman
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
22. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
23. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
24. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
25. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
26. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
27. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
28. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, 'Some old bustard wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, 'and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
'New Zealand, sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave New Zealand?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there.'
'Really,' replied the manager? 'My wife is from New Zealand!'
'Really??' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
A blonde and a brunette are walking past a flower shop.
The brunette sees her boyfriend inside and says: "Oh no, my boyfriend is inside buying me flowers again."
The blonde asks: "Why is that so bad?"
The brunette says:"Every time he buys me flowers, he expects something in return and I don't feel like spending the entire weekend with my legs in the air."
The blonde asks:"Why, don't you have a vase?"
An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
:lol: Lol thats a good blonde joke
A blonde thought if she died her hair brown she would become smarter. Whilst driving in the country she spotted this farmer herding sheep and asked him "If I guess how many sheep you have will you let me have one?" The man said "Sure." Well she looked over and over and said 73. He said "Wow your good." So the blonde claimed her prize. While walking her back to the car the man said "If I guess your hair color can you give me my dog back?"
A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They
walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a
peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't
mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go
behind this hedge."
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can
hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and
imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a
moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with
great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage
hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a s**t instead."
StarsOfCCTV
17-06-2008, 22:51
A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They
walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a
peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't
mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go
behind this hedge."
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can
hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and
imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a
moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with
great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage
hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a s**t instead."
Eeeeeeewwww :sick: :p :lol:
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder.....
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on....... :rotfl:
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
StarsOfCCTV
18-06-2008, 13:47
These are so funny :lol:
A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They
walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a
peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't
mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go
behind this hedge."
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can
hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and
imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a
moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with
great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage
hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a s**t instead."
:sick: :sick: Ewwwww
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in the laundry basket
according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with grapefruit and
mint.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on
head.
If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a pile on the floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy
and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING NOW BECAUSE MOST OF IT IS TRUE! ! ! ! !
Not most of it but ALL of it is true :rotfl:
Hollie-x
23-06-2008, 17:18
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on....... :rotfl:
:D
I love them all!
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that, too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have gotten out today.'
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that, too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have gotten out today.'
my dad says something similar every year to my mum on their anniversary, he says "if I killed you, i'd be out by now"... they have been married 47 years now
YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT
Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH
This is pretty neat
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat.
(more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758...
If you haven't, add 1757.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
7. You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number. ( i. e., How many times
you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE ! ------ (Oh YES, it is!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2008) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS
Sorry if you know some of them already.
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then he pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs!'
New Words for 2008
* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking b*ll*cks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids or start a "home business".
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single Income, No Boyfriend And Desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
* GOING FOR A McSH*T.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, You're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known As a McSh*t with Lies.
* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.
* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am.
* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After Breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the Night.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's Got 4 buttocks.
StarsOfCCTV
27-06-2008, 10:22
YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT
Omg that actually worked for me :lol:
moonstorm
27-06-2008, 10:52
YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT
Omg that actually worked for me :lol:
Er yeah, spooky, it worked for me too!!
Chloe O'brien
28-06-2008, 01:03
The age one worked for me how spooky is that:
I heard a terrible joke at work yesterday had to share it with you. One of the guys got a text: Do you want to buy a 42 inch telly for £50 only thing missing is the remote control but for that price you can't turn it down "GROAN" :lol:
YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT
Omg that actually worked for me :lol:
Er yeah, spooky, it worked for me too!!
Me too :eek: How many times did you pick to eat out?
di marco
28-06-2008, 12:43
YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT
Omg that actually worked for me :lol:
Er yeah, spooky, it worked for me too!!
Me too :eek: How many times did you pick to eat out?
it worked for me too! these things are always spooky!
Ruffed_lemur
28-06-2008, 17:59
Love the New words for 2008. Brilliant! :lol:
pinkles14
28-06-2008, 21:51
Your age by eating out....
That worked for me too....
Ruffed_lemur
29-06-2008, 18:29
Age by eating out didn't work for me.
Age by eating out didn't work for me.
You sure you did not make a mistake? Seems to have worked for a lot of others...... :hmm:
Ruffed_lemur
30-06-2008, 15:55
Age by eating out didn't work for me.
You sure you did not make a mistake? Seems to have worked for a lot of others...... :hmm:
Yes, I did make a mistake. Did it again and it worked. Doh!
StarsOfCCTV
30-06-2008, 20:04
Children at a blind school set off on their annual day trip to the coast, and pulled into a motorway service station for lunch. So that the children could stretch their legs while their lunch orders were being taken, one of the teachers took out a special ball with a bell in it and suggested they had a game of football on a nearby strip of grass. The teachers started the game off, then went to collect the food.
While the teachers were waiting at the restaurant, the coach driver came running in. 'Quick!' he yelled. 'Your kids are kicking the s**t out of a group of morris dancers!
Why Parents Drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,
' The search team just landed a helicopter '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
' ME . '
A burglar broke into a house and shone his
flashlight around looking for valuables.
He picked up a CD player when a strange,
disembodied voice echoed from the dark
saying: 'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his
flashlight and froze. When he heard nothing more
he continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out
he heard: 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically.
Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam
came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just
trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh?
Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people
would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind that would name
a Rottweiler Jesus
:lol:
The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship (which would NOT have happened!) it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.
On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!
Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a saving of $41.7 million).
Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, ability to put BOTH legs around you (!!!), no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.
Sometimes renting makes far more sense.
Request By The Penis
The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- even has to work more at weekends and holidays
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.
Request Denied ... for the following reasons:
- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- needs continuous attention to perform at work;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work;
- sometimes leaves work, too early
Although it is noted that:
Often arrives much earlier than expected
Shows an inordinate keenness to work
Willing to work at extraordinary times without much persuasion
Happy to try out new jobs in different positions
Prefers working without any special clothing
Always happy to try alternative locations
Punishments in Hell...
A gentleman died and arrived in hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder gentler hell, each person is offered Three choices of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1000 year cycles and you could pick which cycle in which to begin.
So the Devil took the man to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. The man said he did not think that was where he wanted to start.
They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a Cat-O-Nine Tails. The man also declined this form of torture.
The third room had a man strapped to the wall naked and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. The man told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted.
The Devil said are you sure?, it lasts for 1000 years! The man assured him that this was the punishment he wanted.
So the Devil walked over to the young woman and said "You can go now, I have found your replacement"
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
StarsOfCCTV
03-07-2008, 16:22
Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. Eventually one said: 'Let's play doctor.'
'Good idea,' said the other. 'You operate, and I'll sue.'
moonstorm
07-08-2008, 10:47
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said,
'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it
is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said
'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The
bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He
said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered
just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary
work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No,
this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me
on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising
you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip
outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull
goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again
to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made
me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came
and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't
swing a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman
Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man
replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your
chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that
they're going to die.'
BOOM BOOM!!!
Lol loved the bowling alley one and the 'how flexible are you?'
Rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight 'safety lecture' and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On an Air NZ Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the Pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'
On landing the hostess said, 'Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'
'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft.'
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone Voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!'
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as ******* everything has shifted.'
From a Qantas employee: 'Welcome aboard Qantas Flight X to Y to operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public un-supervised.'
'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.
'Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines.'
'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite bump and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.. It was the asphalt!'
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying United. 'He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why no Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?'
After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney , the Flight Attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas.'
A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger in Economy said, 'That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!'
di marco
06-10-2008, 21:51
'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.
A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger in Economy said, 'That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!'
haha loved them, especially these 2! :D
An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,' I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had? just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the F*ck would you have said?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.
Chloe O'brien
28-11-2008, 22:16
A couple of stupid jokes to make you giggle over the weekend:
What do you call a Russian Coke dealer: whodidyastealthebottleofpopov (who did you steal the bottle of pop of)
What do you call an Arab window cleaner: Shakemeshammy.
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away
from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she
hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey,
what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
'Ralph , for the FIFTH #@*'n time, CHICKEN!'
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant
Outside the London immigration offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes,
Since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'
The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth,
So I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the
man's almost toothless grin and -- PING! -- he had a brand new shining set
Of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'
The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car
Garage in Knightsbridge with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee
Relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over
Here..
' PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a
Three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ and swimming pool in an upmarket
Neighbourhood.
'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand. 'Yes, one more wish.
I want to be like an Englishman with English clothes instead of
Manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.
And I want to have white skin like an Englishman
'PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Chelsea T-shirt
And baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had
Disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'
The fairy said 'Tough luck, Now that you are English, you have to
Fend for yourself.'
And she disappeared!
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,
I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the
act But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.
Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became
so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both
still be alive.
PRICELESS!
A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to kindergarten.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with
great pride, and said,
'Winnie the ****'.
School Children Writing About The Sea
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. ( Becky age 8)
On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7)
Dog Story
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.'
my fave joke of all time:
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a
chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams
the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just
some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she
asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think
you should help him, and should be ashamed of your self!" The man does as
he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out
into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the
reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the
swing!" replies the drunk.
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach Dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,
Enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. ?How in the world did she know they were priests?? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. ?Again she nodded at each of them, said
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'
'Yes, Father?'??'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,
'Father, it's me,............ Sister Kathleen!'
Chloe O'brien
04-04-2009, 22:53
That's me ...........................Sister Kathleen :lol:
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(You're gonna luv this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with...
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough....
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 (isn't he ready for the world of dating?)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them... It's the right thing to do..
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8 (I like this kid)
And the #1 Favorite is ...
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10 (He'll be married forever)
Time this happened to her :D
Chloe O'brien
01-05-2009, 22:54
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with...
-- Kristen, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them... It's the right thing to do..
-- Howard, age 8
Howard and Kirsten are so clever for their age they will go far in life. :rotfl:
Tigerpip
03-05-2009, 23:27
How to Give a Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in rightï hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted
by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand
while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and
repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie
on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1�beer to take taste away.
Band- Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.
Get another pill.
Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard,
and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges.
Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect..
Toss back another shot.Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.
Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.
Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPC A to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
*T* :D
__________________
The Irish Bagpiper
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car..
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Tigerpip
08-05-2009, 12:44
School Children Writing About The Sea
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. ( Becky age 8)
On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7)
These are priceless Perdita -- do you mind if I copy and paste and send to my daughter? :clap:
*T*
No, of course not, Tigerpip, help yourself and anybody else who finds the comments funny enough to pass on. :D
I like this Doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? !
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
!
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best! feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans e! at a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
A little brown paper bag goes to the doctor and says: "I don't feel well". The doctor examines him and says: "I think you might have a disease". "But how can I? I am just a little brown paper bag." "Your mum or your dad must have been a carrier".
What did Mr and Mrs Buffalo say as they waved their little boy off to school? Bison
7 reasons not to mess with children…
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal
its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow
a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to
see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing,
the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do
the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her
mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast
on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and
then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if
I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it,
and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
What's the seventh reason?
Don't know, that is all I got by email from a friend in Canada. Perhaps she missed one out :)
Chloe O'brien
12-07-2009, 02:15
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!?
DORMITORY:?
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
?
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
?
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:?
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
???
When you rearrange the letters:
?
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
?
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE
?:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
?
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
?
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
?
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
?
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
?
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
?
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
?
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
?
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:?
WOMAN HITLER
?
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!?
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all.. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine , that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
my favourites :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: especially the first one, gonna be my new motto "NO PAIN.. GOOD"
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. . .
She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said; 'Fluctuations.'
To which the Asian lady says,
'An fluc you white people too!''
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an ' exotic ' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says:
' SEX FROGS '
Only $20 each!
Comes with ' complete ' instructions.
The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody ' s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, ' I ' ll TAKE one! '
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, ' Just follow the instructions! '
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3.. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, ' If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store. '
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, ' I ' ll be right over. '
Within minutes the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, ' See, I ' ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there! '
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says,
'LISTEN TO ME!
I ' m only going to show you how to do this
ONE .... MORE .. TIME!!! '
I am not eating in there :nono: :lol:
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's how the fight started.....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started.....
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap "That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked went out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that's how the fight started.....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for £14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for £7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's how the fight started.....
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect..'
And that's how the fight started.....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend..
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's how the fight started.....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started....
For a minute I was thinking you were talking about your own relationship :rotfl:
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I
notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part.... :
'Only when he's pissed.'
Chloe O'brien
08-10-2009, 22:12
Childish joke heard it at work. You're gonna laugh.
What do the donkey's at Blackpool get for their dinner?
An Hour. :rotfl:
:lol: Yep, made me laugh :D
freckleface
01-11-2009, 14:59
:lol: me too. here's mine. it don't make sense but i laughed for 10 mins straight after hearing it;
Why did the boy fall off his bike??
because someone threw a fridge at him!!
:lol:
:D
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: -
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: -
1. Specificity
2. Australian Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Bit of a rude joke
"A passenger plane has just landed at Glasgow airport and after coming to a halt, the Pilot gives his usual speech, but forgets to switch off the intercom.
The Co-pilot asks the Pilot what he has got planned for the rest of the evening, and the Pilot replies, "First, I am going for a ****e and then I am gonna bang the **** off that new wee stewardess", unaware every passenger has just heard him !!
The wee stewardess is mortified and starts to run up to the cockpit to confront him, but trips and falls right before the cockpit door.
A wee Glasgow wummin helps her up and says to her.......
"Take yer time Hen, he`s goin fur a ****e first”
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: -
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: -
1. Specificity
2. Australian Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
I have trouble with that when I'm sober :lol:
I'd say that's a pretty accurate list that could be expanded upon. They all ring some very familiar and embaressing bells for me :eek: :ninja:
Never Lie to a Woman
A man called home to his wife and said, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends .
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ...!!!!"
Never Lie To A Woman...!!!
Your Hair Smells Nice!
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee
machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: ’What’s sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?’
The woman replies, ‘Its Keith, THE MIDGET!’
What do you call an afghan virgin?
mever bin laid on
Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
because its finger licking good
A man wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept saying that they could not afford one, but he bought one anyway.
"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted.
When the man went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
The Amish Farmer shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"
Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have **** in it!"
The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!"
The Amish Farmer shouts back in English:
"Use two hands, you'll get more!"
Oh To Be 12 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home
.
When an old Grandpa walked by
."
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are
The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said,
"You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...
"We were at your birthday party yesterday!!"
A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and
Proclaims, .. 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,
'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and
also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his
children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher
stays, .... I will give him sex!'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side,
while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help,
and he said,......'Screw him!'
The Age Gap
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
The Sneeze
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before" he said.
"Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded,
"Pepper."
THE LAST RITE
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. "Well,
Sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
More than a day or two."
"I agree," says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
Out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might
See yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he
Fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the Priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
Sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
Give life."
"Is that true Father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get
The hell out of here!"
Chloe O'brien
14-02-2010, 03:00
Perdy a place in hell has just be reserved for you alongside Alan and myself :lol:
:D :D :D Looking forward to it :lol:
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........
You got nice house'
When George first noticed that his ding a ling
was growing larger and staying
up longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks,
it had grown to nearly twenty inches.
George became quite concerned.
He was having problems dressing,
and even walking. So he and
his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial
examination, the doctor explained to the couple
that, though rare, George's condition could be fixed
through corrective surgery.
'How long will George be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.
'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?
responded the surprised doctor
'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you ARE going to lengthen
his legs AREN'T you?
tammyy2j
20-05-2010, 15:38
What's the difference between the Iceland volcano and Cheryl Cole?
The volcano is still blowing ash.
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above NewJersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, BillGates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began tofill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night. Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, dude. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
moonstorm
26-05-2010, 14:16
From my very un-pc lot at work:-
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699,depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.....
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says; "Can you please come over and help me! I have bought a huge jig-saw puzzle and I don't understand what to do". Her boyfriend asks; "What is the final result going to look like?"
The blonde says; "According to the picture on the box, it is going to be a rooster".
The boyfriend decides to go over to her place and help her out. She opens the door and shows him all the puzzle bits on the table. He looks at the puzzle parts for a short moment, then looks at the box. Then he says; "It doesn't matter what we do, we will never manage to place these bits together so that they will look like a rooster".
He takes her hand and says; "Let us get a cup of coffee and then....
He sighs.... "And then we will put the Corn Flakes' back into the box".
Breaking news… a man has been rushed to hospital when a sex game went horribly wrong leaving him with six toy horses stuck up his ****… Doctors have described his condition as stable !
and The Prodigy have just released a new track guaranteed to reach the Catholic Top 10… “Smack my Bishop”
Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly said `My wife is so dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain`t even got electricity!` The second hillbilly said `My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain`t even got runnin water!` The third hillbilly said `My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin there... and she ain`t even got a penis !!!
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. `What the hell are you supposed to be?` asked the host. `A premature ejaculation,` said the man. `I just came in my pants!`
This poor bloke went to hospital for a circumcision but, because of some stuff up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor bloke went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. `S**t` he moaned. `this means I`ll never be able to experience an erection ever again!` `Of course you will,` one of the doctors soothed. It`ll just have to be someone else`s, that`s all.`
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. `Don`t worry,` he assures her, `my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there`s no risk.` As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, `We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!` `No problem,` he replies, `I`ll get my wife`s diaphragm.` After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. `That witch!` he exclaims. `She took it with her! I always knew she didn`t trust me!`
A wife says to her friend, `Our sex life stinks.` Her friend says, `Do you ever watch your husband`s face when you`re having sex?` She says, `Once, and I saw rage.` Her friend says, `Why would he be angry during sex?` The wife says, `Because he was looking through the window at us.`
:lol: That made me laugh out loud.
A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, `What are these things daddy?` His dad said, `Condoms son.` The boy asked, `Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?` The dad replied, `The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March....`
A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says `You`re the biggest man I have ever seen`. The man nods his head, and replies `I`m 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I`m Turner Brown.` The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, `I said I`m 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.` The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. `For a minute there, I thought you said `Turn Around`.`
For a minute there, I thought you said `Turn Around`.`
:lol: Great punchline!
Bit rude this one but ....
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. `For Christ sake!` the bloke cried, `what the hell`s going on here? I`ve been here one hour and I`ve seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke`s arm wrestleing himself off in the bar!` `Fair dinkum, mate,` the bartender told him, `you can`t expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep`
:rotfl: I love a rude joke!
A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, `May I buy you a drink?`. Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies, `Okay, but it won`t do you any good.` A little later, he asks, `May I buy you another drink?` `Okay, but it still won`t do you any good.` He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, `Okay, but it won`t do you any good.` They get to his apartment and he says, `You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife.` She says, `Oh, that`s different. Send her in.`
While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. `Did you get that for your birthday?` asked Little Johnny. `Nope.` replied Jimmy. `Well, did you get it for Christmas then?`. Again Jimmy says `Nope.` `You didn`t steal it, did you?` asks Little Johnny. `No,` said Jimmy. `I went into Mom and Dad`s bedroom the other night when they were `doing the nasty`. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy`s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents` bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. `What do you want now?` `I wanna watch,` Johnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said, `Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.`
A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN IRELAND ....
You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....
The interview was as follows:
The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
The farmer stared at the reporter and said: ...............
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"
Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"
The program was never aired…..
:lol:
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her. She pushed him away. `Maybe your other models let you kiss them,` she said, `but I`m not that kind!` `Actually, I`ve never tried to kiss a model before,` he protested. `Really?` she said, softening. `Well, how many models have there been?` `Four so far,` he replied, thinking back. `A jug, two apples and a vase.`
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