View Full Version : My friend is in turmoil
My friend who obviously I have to keep them anonymous even though you probably wouldn't know them well we've been friends for ages. She used to work on homecare with me before she left to become a district nurse anyways she's been married for 4 years and she knew her husband was a bit in touch with his feminine side but she recently discovered that he had been wearing her clothes.
It all started when one of the straps snapped on her shoes and her husband showed her the shoe, this was when she got suspicous. Her husband said it "just broke" then she came home from work early because they were going on holiday and she needed to do some more packing but he wasn't aware she was coming home early and he was wearing one of her tops and a skirt!!! She was horrified. He doesn't know he's been discovered and she's just in turmoil over what to do.
She's got her sister and a few other friends giving her advice but I said I'd see if I can get some useful advice for her too.
What do you think I should say to her?
So far I've said to her dump him but it's not really useful is it? Mind you I've never been reknowned for having a shoulder to cry on, atleast not the best of shoulders.
I think she should either talk to him about it if she is really worried about it. But if they have a happy marriage and she doesn't want anything to upset it then maybe she shouldn't say anything! It could just be a phase or something he's going through.
I would probably walk in and slap him or something like that.
She's also found other stuff on the computer like an order for a dress etc that she hasn't ordered...
I am very insensitive though and if I give my full frank advice it'll probably ruin the friendship.
So it's obviously not a phase then??
Either she has to talk to him and then have a good long discussion about why and about their relationship. Or if she feels she cant do that then she has to plan on walking in on him again and letting him know about it.
If she does do this just tell her to keep calm and for her to remember he is probably going to be mortified about being caught out.
phils little sister
04-07-2005, 14:41
I think she should defo sit down and talk to him about it there's no point keeping it bottled up it will just wreck her head even more, I dont know :searchme:
I agree with you WQ i would probably just have told her to get rid of him and knock him around the room with one of her shoes
I would take some pictures of him and stick them on lamp posts.
Is your friend the type of person who would blow up and humiliate (sp?) him?? or would she be calm and collected?
brenda1971
04-07-2005, 16:55
I think that she should sit down and talk to him and find out why
She's cool and calm, she's just shocked. I found it funny at first but it must have freaked her out.
i would be freaked out if i found out that dave was wearing my clothes! i would kick him out but as you ssay that not very useful advice.
i would be freaked out if i found out that dave was wearing my clothes! i would kick him out but as you ssay that not very useful advice.
Wouldn't your baby make it any different though?
She's cool and calm, she's just shocked. I found it funny at first but it must have freaked her out.
I dont blame her but i think the best thing to do is to sit down and talk things through calmly esp. (dont know if there are) if there are kids involved it would make it easier all round. if there aren't any kids it would still make things easier on both of them
Wouldn't your baby make it any different though?
ummm
no! i wouldnt want him to see his daddy dressed up like a woman. he might grow up to do the same
At the end of the day she married a bloke, not a bird.
xCharliex
04-07-2005, 19:14
His obviosuly got some personal issues, so you cant really put the whole blame on him, first off like everyone else has advised she needs to sit down with him and have a long talk, how long have they been together?
He could have sexuality issues as well, and people cant turn there feelings on and off. I wouldnt have a problem as long as i didnt find out, but if i saw my guy dressed in my clothes id freak, its an initail reaction. It sounds like he is definately bi-sexual, if not maybe gay.
Theres nothing your friend can do except talk to him, not scream and shout, that wont get anyone knowhere. Im sure his feeling very insecure and scared as well otherwise he would have talked about it with her already, and if he really loves her, he will sit down and explain himself.
I'm not sure that just because he wears womens clothes it means he's gay or bi. He may be a transexual, I dont think the two issues are related. He may want to be a women and stil fancy women??.
xCharliex
04-07-2005, 19:20
Yeah thats true although id say the majorty of transexual are gay/bi
Cant say I know that many to be honest.
xCharliex
04-07-2005, 19:29
Neither do i but its just a prediction
There are plenty of transvestites who are definitely straight.
I wouldn't like my husband to wear my clothes, your friend should tell her husband to buy his own. What he does in his own time in private is just that, private. I think that your friend should subtly let her husband know that she knows and see what he says - he may be questioning his sexuality, but then again he may just be very in touch with his feminine side. She should try not to judge him until she finds out his motivation. Then she needs to consider how she feels about it, if she can live with what is really just a foible. Perhaps she could deal with it better if he only wants to do it in private, then again she may not be able to cope with it. I would imagine that her response will be very personnal to her- but she should try not to prejudge the issue, it definitely doesn't have to mean that her husband is gay and doesn't love her - but it might...
At the end of the day she married a bloke, not a bird.
exactly!
I suppose the best advice and the most basic advice I or anybody else can give to her is to talk this through with him.
I personally don't feel that I could do that I would be totally shocked and freaked if I was in that situation.
They've been together 4 years and have a son and are trying to concieve with their 2nd child but she's been putting off sex since she discovered this was going on.
Let's face it, wouldn't exactly turn you on, would it?
xCharliex
04-07-2005, 20:47
It wouldnt me no, but i hear some women like it lol
Must be a really horrible position to be in, as in your partner is not who they think they are.
But it's also complicated because he wants to have sex with her if he was weird in one way or another wouldn't he not want to be with a women?
He might, maybe he thinks that if he doesn't want to have sex with her she might get sus. Or maybe he's not gay at all and that just his thing....
I suppose she'll never know unless she chooses to ask him about it. It would definately be something I'd want to know the details about it had I discovered it. Maybe not there and then because I'd be too shocked but eventually curiousity would get the better of me.
She's going to have to talk to him, esp if they are trying to conceive another child. Even if she says that she came home early and saw him, and that she would like it if he could tell her how he is feeling, if he knows himself, and that she isn't going to judge him etc (which is probably the first thing that he is worried about). I have heard of a lot of people where this has happened (magazines etc) and the couples have stayed together and worked through these things and remained really good friends, still living together etc. But she does need to let him know that she knows, even if she bought an oversized dress and left it on the bed with a note saying "for you" - he would know she knew, so could approach her with it when he felt ready?! Just an idea......
She's going to have to talk to him, esp if they are trying to conceive another child. Even if she says that she came home early and saw him, and that she would like it if he could tell her how he is feeling, if he knows himself, and that she isn't going to judge him etc (which is probably the first thing that he is worried about). I have heard of a lot of people where this has happened (magazines etc) and the couples have stayed together and worked through these things and remained really good friends, still living together etc. But she does need to let him know that she knows, even if she bought an oversized dress and left it on the bed with a note saying "for you" - he would know she knew, so could approach her with it when he felt ready?! Just an idea......
That wouldn't be very subtle though would it? I'd imagine she'd also be very frightened about the confrontation because you just don't know what will be said do you? I know if I was her I'd be terrified. He would be terrified of anybody finding out but she would have as much reason to be terrified about the confrontation.
Have they got a good relationship though, cause I'm lucky and can talk to my hubby about anything and everything (though obviously unless you have been in your friend's situation, you don't know how you would react!) They do need to try and talk about it, somehow.
I'm lucky that I would never find my hubby in my clothes, he'd never fit in them!
But it's also complicated because he wants to have sex with her if he was weird in one way or another wouldn't he not want to be with a women?
Not necessairly, I guess everyone is different. I dont think it necsairly means his sexuality is changing. Even if he did want to be a women, he may still want to be with women.
She is going to confront him over the weekend :eek:
I will let you know what happened (that's assuming I'll find out).
I hope it goes ok for both of them......
I hope it goes ok for both of them......
Well I think she plans to leave.
The main thing is that they are BOTH happy, including your friend and if that means her leaving that how is has to be......
At the end of the day, we only live once and have got to make the most of it, we won't get another chance!
Not necessairly, I guess everyone is different. I dont think it necsairly means his sexuality is changing. Even if he did want to be a women, he may still want to be with women.
Oh gosh, a lesbian transexual - now that is complicated!
He could just say, I want to be a lesbian
And I thought my life was complicated. Imagine having something like this going on. Mind you I was reading in "Take a break" once about a woman who married a man who had a sex change so they were two women still living together etc. That would be freaky. There's no way I could put up with that if it was me. I would need my man etc and love from my man. It just wouldn't be the same once that part of the relationship had gone and I mean let's face it, what a situation it would be for you!!!
I read something like that before and they had kids and continued to have more even though he was dressing as a woman. After the sex change the kids didn't call him dad anymore but by the female name he had chosen - can see them in on a couch in a few years
She confronted him last night according to her cousin Gemma. I don't know what happened though. I've tried phoning but no answer :searchme:
Welll he's moved in with his mam and dad and his mam phoned my friend asking her why she cheated on him because he's told his parents that was the reason behind the split and the reason he left!
The cheek! My friend being so nice though went along with it. Silly cow (sorry but it's true) I would have gone round there and smacked him one.
OMG, I'd have told them thw truth!!
At leat he could have said it was him that cheated.
What a coward! It sounds like he is scared of his mum! (That said - I am scared of mine!)
I would have told her everything that had been going on she's going to find out eventually hen all her dresses start to go missing
She is going round there tonight and if he is unreasonable she will tell them.
good on her hope she does
I would be telling the whole street.
lol you hear about these women puting full page adverts in the local paper she should do that
God that is awful - shows how much of a coward he is!! I hope she makes sure that his family know the truth! I certainly would especially if he was saying that was why he had left
He begged her not to tell them last night but she did so he denied it and they believed him!
In that case, I don't think I would want my children around him, if he is prepared to behave like that - I know its not fair on them and not their fault, but he needs to admit to the truth about himself and everything going on in his life before he can believe himself to be a good father. It would seem that she is far better off without him. Unfortunately, the parents are bound to believe him as you always go with your own children, she should have chopped his knackers off when she had the chance and given him a very cheap sex change!!! Sorry, men (and women) infuriate me when they behave like this!!
In that case, I don't think I would want my children around him, if he is prepared to behave like that - I know its not fair on them and not their fault, but he needs to admit to the truth about himself and everything going on in his life before he can believe himself to be a good father. It would seem that she is far better off without him. Unfortunately, the parents are bound to believe him as you always go with your own children, she should have chopped his knackers off when she had the chance and given him a very cheap sex change!!! Sorry, men (and women) infuriate me when they behave like this!!
That's something I'd do! :)
Oh I'm evil with a pair of scissors, bring it on and I'll mud-er ya, ya sod.
:D I love it!
She should break off all contact, take scissors to all of his belongings and if the parents interfere and start talking about making sure he sees the kids she can tell em to bring it on - the truth outs eventually, and he certainly will be......
I just feel so sorry for your friend, she must be going through hell!
I've asked her to join this site because it's full of lovely people. I hope she does :)
We would all certainly take her mind off of things
Well we're all nutters anyways :lol:
Well he's left her for good claiming she cheated on him and he is apparently going for adultery :eek:
She did no such thing I might add, how bitter can he be! If I bump into him I'm going to give him a piece of my mind on her behalf.
You are JOKING!!!! OMG - well make sure she takes it all the way to court, and make him prove it. Cause he can't and then it'll all come out about how is a lying cross-dressing b******. He has got to pay. She should stop him from seeing any of them. If he is going for adultery, you have to name the other party on the papers (or it always used to be that way) and she would also have to agree that that was what had happened - make sure she doesn't let him get away with it!!! And to think we were all advising her to be nice and civilised about it to him!! :eek: :angry:
The man is behaving unreasonably. He's the one with the problem!!! Well he can wait until I bump into him.
Just don't let him raise your blood pressure too much though!!! Just smack him one and walk away! :D
Does his mother still think she cheated?
Does his mother still think she cheated?
Yeah, silly old cah! You can't tell her anything...
Thats not fair!, he could have at least made himself to be at fault if he didnt want the truth to come out!
Exactly jude he could have pretended he was the one who cheated!
Yeah, but men are far too cowardice to such a thing like that - especially if it would mean losing face in front of their parents!! The lie he has started has turned into something much bigger, but hopefully if it does go to court, then he will be made into such a fool and his parents are going to completely lose face in all of this. Men!!! :angry:
I think his parents will always believe his version of events which is a shame really because he's victimising his wife.
As you know, parents always stick up for their own, but I hope that the truth comes out and he's left with nothing!
Well it's only natural I suppose isn't it?
Thats the thing - us parents will always stick up for our kids and if they don't know the truth, they can only defend what they think they know. Lets just hope the truth comes out and he ends up with severe egg on his face (and a lot more!!)
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