Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

[Perdita]

I read about this at the time, I like this kind of justice

[alan45]

Just to prove that the Irish have a better sense of humour than BT Bosses

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Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's
Very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among
Themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

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An American lawyer asked, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
Irishman a question, he answers with another question?'

'Who told you that?' asked Paddy.

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Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
Announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'

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Irish lass customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?'
Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'

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Mrs.. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the
Vase on the mantle piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm getting closer all the time.'

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Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

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Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the
Morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.. 'Quick!' He said.
'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'

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'O'Ryan,' asked the druggist, 'did that mudpack I gave you
Improve your wife's appearance?'
'It did surely,' replied O'Ryan, 'but it keeps fallin' off!'

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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon
Waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

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My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life
And then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

[Abigail]

My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life
And then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

Now that is a very good point

[alan45]

hard to get a pay raise these days
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

[alan45]

First-year students at a Vet school were receiving their first
anatomy class, with a dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet..

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine
it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." For
an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead
and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and
sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

[alan45]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice' he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh yes' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?' I was walking in through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'

[alan45]

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.




Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..




Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.




Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.




Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.




Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.




Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that woul d tell him which horse to bet on.




True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears and hooves of the old nag.




Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.




He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.




Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?




All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'.




The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites’

[Chloe O'brien]

HA! HA! Classic Alan

[Chloe O'brien]

A Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.


"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."


The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"


The Irishman is the new supervisor.

[di marco]

haha lol that made me laugh!