Jokes

[di marco]

'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.

A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger in Economy said, 'That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!'

haha loved them, especially these 2!

[Perdita]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,' I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had? just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F*ck would you have said?

[miccisy]

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

[Chloe O'brien]

A couple of stupid jokes to make you giggle over the weekend:

What do you call a Russian Coke dealer: whodidyastealthebottleofpopov (who did you steal the bottle of pop of)

What do you call an Arab window cleaner: Shakemeshammy.

[Perdita]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away
from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she
hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey,
what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)

'Ralph , for the FIFTH #@*'n time, CHICKEN!'

[Perdita]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant
Outside the London immigration offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes,
Since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth,
So I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the
man's almost toothless grin and -- PING! -- he had a brand new shining set
Of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car
Garage in Knightsbridge with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee
Relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over
Here..

' PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a
Three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ and swimming pool in an upmarket
Neighbourhood.

'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand. 'Yes, one more wish.

I want to be like an Englishman with English clothes instead of
Manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.

And I want to have white skin like an Englishman
'PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Chelsea T-shirt
And baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had
Disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'


The fairy said 'Tough luck, Now that you are English, you have to
Fend for yourself.'
And she disappeared!

[Perdita]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,
I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the
act But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.
Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became
so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both
still be alive.

PRICELESS!

[Perdita]

A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to kindergarten.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with
great pride, and said,
'Winnie the ****'.

[Perdita]

School Children Writing About The Sea

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. ( Becky age 8)

On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7)

[Perdita]

Dog Story

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.'