SCENE ONE – LIVING ROOM – DAY
A dark stage, The Beatles hit “When I’m 64” plays. The stage lights up. Edna and Aggie hobble on slowly from the left, Burt and Tristan from the right, when they reach the middle they all sit down in 4 battered old chairs. The music comes to an abrupt end.
SAM: If you don’t shut up, I’ll find a whole new use for an electric toothbrush!
The music continues for a few more seconds then the lights shine on a show the stage. Mr Attrick walks onto the stage, looking back as tough he’s saying goodbye to somebody.
ATTRICK: Remember to give us another visit soon. Mr Geri Attrick’s Retirement and Carehome is the best around. And sign up now and be eligible for our exclusive offer, two for the price of one on OAP’s coming here. Thank you. Goodbye!
Samantha walks onto the stage.
SAM: Nice to see you charming the customers Mr Attrick.
ATTRICK: Yes well you know me Samantha darling, I’m irresistible, even too you.
The OAP’s get up from their seats and walk towards Attrick and Samantha.
TRISTAN: (Laughs to self) Yeah, about as irresistible as Rick Waller on a nudist beach.
SAM: Oh look who it isn’t. The infuriating foursome. Haven’t you got Countdown to watch or something?
AGGIE: Oh, I Love countdown!
BURT: You know there was a time when we were actually cared for in this place.
ATTRICK: You are though, my little wrinkly friends, it’s just your Alzheimer's that is deluding you into thinking that your not.
EDNA: Alzheimer’s my eye! My brain is working just as well as it did before I came here, it’s you lot mistreating us!
SAM: If ya don’t like this place Edna, then you can clear off. In fact be my guest, I’ll even pack ya bags for ya.
AGGIE: Oh how kind of you, isn’t she a lovely girl?
SAM: If you trying to get me to clean your commode you’ve got another thing coming you crazy old bitch!
AGGIE: I like dogs, do you lot like dogs?
SAM: What is she on?
ATTRICK: Despite the ecstasy that I’m having listening to this idle chit chat I have a job to be doing so I’ll be off.
Attrick walks off stage.
TRISTAN: God riddance to you too, you twisted Looney!
SAM: Hey watch your mouth you, Mr Attrick does a lot for you lot, you should be thankful.
EDNA: Thankful for what? Being neglected? Killed? Made to withstand Richard Whitley and that tart Vorderman 5 times a week? (Sarcastic) Sure, I’m thankful.
SAM: If Countdown eint good enough for you, why don’t you play charades. Here’s one for you.
Samantha puts up her two fingers, as tough she’s swearing at them.
AGGIE: Oh..Um..That means two words don’t it?
SAM: (Patronising) No it means **** off, Aggie.
BURT: Don’t you dare speak to her like that!
SAM: Shut it gramps. Here you go then.
She singles four words, a song, then she does the YMCA and hums it, dancing on the spot.
TRISTAN: Oh man! I know this! It’s um… The Sound Of Music!
SAM: (Shocked) You what? U mad?
TRISTAN: Probably. It eint the sound of music is it?
SAM: You’re right…
Tristan starts prancing around in victory.
SAM: …it isn’t.
The four OAPS sit down in their battered old armchairs infront of the TV.
SAM: Anyway, As much as I’d love to feed you liquidised branflakes trough a straw, I’d rather watch Trisha, so I’m off for a cuppa.
TRISTAN: I wouldn’t mind one, if you’re asking.
SAM: I’m not, so tough titty.
TRISTAN: I’m only asking for a cup of tea, it’s hardly the million dollar question.
AGGIE: Oh Millionaire! I like that Chris Tarrent.
SAM: Will somebody please slap her?
AGGIE: Here, everyone has the freedom of speech.
SAM: Yeah, and you’re the exception to the rule, so shut your gob!
BURT: (Stands Up) Eh! I’ve already warned you! Have some respect for your elders!
Sam begins to walk off stage.
SAM: Whatever!
Sam exits the stage; Burt slumps back down in his chair, defeated.
BURT: Honestly! Is it too much to ask to get cared for in a carehome? Dya know what? To hell with this place! I want to see the world, visit the Bullring and watch Midsummer Murders! And there’s nothing to stop me!
EDNA: We’ve past our prime Burt, this is all we’re good for, sitting down watching Fifteen To One and drinking Horlicks. Let’s face it we’re here for life.
TRISTAN: Yeah well Harry eint. Dya here the good news? He’s won the lottery, half a million he’s got, and he’s leaving this place for a world cruise!
BURT: Good luck to him, that’s what I say, the only chance of escaping this hell.
AGGIE: I tried to escape this place on a milk float once.
EDNA: (Uncaring) Really? What went wrong?
AGGIE: Well apart from it going at 1 mph it stopped at every house on the way.
BURT: Well at least you tried Aggie, which is more than us lot have ever done. I suppose you’re all right, we’ll be here forever. So then? What times countdown on?
The main line of when I’m 64 plays “Will you still need, will you still feed me, when I’m 64!”, the lights quickly go out.
END OF SCENE:
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