Funny Quotes

[Kim]

My dad's cousin: Have you put on weight?

I found it funny that she actually came out and said that.

[Kim]

From 101 Ways To Leave a Gameshow:

(Talking about an exit where a contestant is put into a car and sent off of a ramp into the water if they have chosen the wrong answer.)

Steve Jones: Yemi, are you confident behind the wheel?
Yemi: I haven't passed my test yet.
Steve Jones: What?! Oh that's too perfect.
Yemi: How embarrassing...
Steve Jones: Have you practised your emergency stops?
Yemi: I haven't even got that far yet
Steve Jones: Oh my goodness... can we get some learner plates for Yemi please?

[Kim]

On my flatmates' tesco bag: Best used before 0511

Plastic bags have sell by dates now?!

[Abigail]

They're biodegradable so unless you want your shopping to fall through the bottom, don't use it after May

[Kim]

This went down well earlier...

The lecturer told us we could go and collect our essays after the lecture so the queue was half a mile long. One of my friends walked in, went right up near the front and barged into the queue.

Me: This isn't Thorpe Park, there isn't a queue jump

[Kim]

Me: I can't work the oven...
Mum: The car keys are on the table, go and get a takeaway

[Kim]

Junk Caller Clearly Trying To Sell Something: Do you own the house?
Dad: No
Caller: Do you rent the house?
Dad: No
Caller: What are you doing there then?
Dad: Oh I'm just burgling the house
Caller: Have a nice day sir

[Kim]

My mum asked me to find out for her whether Ringwood was in New Forest or just outside it. I thought I'd ask Siri.

Me: Is Ringwood in New Forest?
Siri: Sorry, I can't make phone calls on this device, Kim.

[Kim]

My dad was parked at a golf club when his car was reversed into. He was in the clubhouse and the driver came in to let him know. Shortly afterwards, he received one of the standard junk calls asking if he wanted to claim for compensation.

Dad: What injury would I be claiming for? Falling off the bar stool when she told me?

Also, when discussing who Trish's (Julie Hesmondhalgh) rapist would be on Broadchurch:

Dad: I reckon Roy Cropper snuck in and did it because he isn't getting any on Corrie!