Jokes

[Siobhan]

my fave joke of all time:


A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a
chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams
the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just
some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she
asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think
you should help him, and should be ashamed of your self!" The man does as
he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out
into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the
reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the
swing!" replies the drunk.

[Perdita]

Very funny

[Perdita]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach Dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,

Enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. ?How in the world did she know they were priests?? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.


These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. ?Again she nodded at each of them, said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'
'Yes, Father?'??'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,



'Father, it's me,............ Sister Kathleen!'

[Chloe O'brien]

That's me ...........................Sister Kathleen

[Perdita]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're gonna luv this)



The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[Perdita]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)


You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with...
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough....
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 (isn't he ready for the world of dating?)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them... It's the right thing to do..
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8 (I like this kid)

And the #1 Favorite is ...

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10 (He'll be married forever)

[Perdita]

Time this happened to her

[Chloe O'brien]

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with...
-- Kristen, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them... It's the right thing to do..
-- Howard, age 8


Howard and Kirsten are so clever for their age they will go far in life.

[Tigerpip]

How to Give a Cat A Pill


1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in rightï hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted
by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand
while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and
repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie
on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1�beer to take taste away.
Band- Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.
Get another pill.
Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard,
and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges.
Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect..
Toss back another shot.Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.
Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.
Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPC A to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

*T*
__________________

[Perdita]

The Irish Bagpiper


As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car..

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."