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Thread: Jokes

  1. #61
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    A man took his six-year-old daughter to the office.

    As they were walking around the office, the girl started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong with her.

    As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly.

    “Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?”

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  3. #62
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pantherboy View Post
    A man took his six-year-old daughter to the office.

    As they were walking around the office, the girl started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong with her.

    As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly.

    “Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?”

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    Pantherboy (10-06-2019)

  5. #63
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    Arriving home, a husband was met by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "The Chemist. He insulted me this morning on the phone.
    I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

    The husband drove down to confront the Chemist to demand an apology.

    Before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said "Now, just a minute... hear my side of it.

    This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late.

    Without breakfast I hurried out to the car, to realise I'd locked the house with house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.."

    "Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

    About three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre."

    "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.

    I started waiting on these people,

    All the time the damn phone never stopped ringing."

    "Then I had to break open a bag of pound coins against the cash register drawer to give change, and they spilled all over the floor

    I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the pound coins and the phone was still ringing.

    When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it.

    Half of them hit the floor and broke."

    "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it.

    It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

    And believe me, mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

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  7. #64
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  8. #65
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    Paddy walked into the local and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, Paddy got up to head of home saying goodnight to the barman

    "S'cuse me," said a shamo, sitting at the bar who'd been watching Paddy confused "What in the name of jaysis was that all about?"

    "Nothing," said the Paddy, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives and told me i better not touch a pint."

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  10. #66
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    How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
    Give them a used tampon and ask them which period it came from

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  12. #67
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    Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "Is it common? "It's not unusual

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  14. #68
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    What do you call an Italian beggar?

    Giovanni Change

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  16. #69
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    A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
    The waitress asks them for their orders.
    The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
    'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
    A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
    The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
    The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'
    Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
    This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
    'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
    ' Same for me,' says the emu.
    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
    'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
    My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
    'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
    'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
    Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
    The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big **** and long legs, who agrees with everything I say!!
    Last edited by Perdita; 16-11-2021 at 09:45.

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  18. #70
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    Quote Originally Posted by lizann View Post
    What do you call an Italian beggar? Giovanni Change
    That was so bad, it is good
    Super Mod

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