Jokes

[Perdita]

Blonde on a plane

a plane is on its way to dubai, when a blonde in
economy class gets up, and moves to the first class
section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks
to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy
class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm
going to dubai and i'm staying right here."

the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells
the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde
bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in
economy, and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to
explain that because she only paid for economy
she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm
going to dubai and i'm staying right here."

the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should
have the police waiting when they land to arrest
this blonde woman, who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll
handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear,
and she says, "oh, i'm sorry i didn't realise that."
she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and
asked him what he said to make her move without
any fuss.



"i told her, "first class isn't going to dubai"...

[Perdita]

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

Get well soon.

From the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week and gave a speeding ticket to.'

[Perdita]

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marched into a chemist shop.
Very carefully he opened his sporran and pulled out a neatly folded cotton bandana,
unfolded it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolded
to reveal a condom.
The condom had a number of patches on it.
The chemist held it up and eyed it critically.
"How much to repair it?" The Scot asked the chemist.
"Six pence," said the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" said the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folded the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaced it carefully in his sporran and marched
out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist heard a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marched back into the chemist and addressed the proprietor,
this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he said.
"We'll have a new one."

[Perdita]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, `Do you still get horny?` The other replies, `Oh sure I do.` The first old lady asks, `What do you do about it?` The second old lady replies, `I suck a lifesaver.` After a few moments, the first old lady asks, `Who drives you to the beach?`

[Chloe O'brien]

Perdy that's just filth

[Perdita]

so sorry

[moonstorm]

Haha, knew you had a wicked side Pedy

[Chloe O'brien]

There was a cracker of a joke on Mrs Brown's Boys the other week. It was about a dirty phone call. Mrs Brown's daughter was on the phone she was yelling to a heavy breather. this is how it went:

Kathy: " You dirty b****ard"

Mrs Brown " What did he say?"

Kathy: " He says if you can guess what I've got in my hand you can have it"

Mrs Brown takes the phone of her daughter and yells down the phone

"If you can get it to fit in one hand you can fecking keep it"

She then says I've not time for the dirty b***ards. I had one on the phone two weeks ago saying if I met him down the town he would show me his wi**y. Fecker didn't turn up

[pipette]

Time Gets Better with Age
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sings "Silent Night".
Age 5

I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 29

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
Age 42

I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.
Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 51

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
Age 58

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 61

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
Age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
Age 72

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Age 82

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 90

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92

LFC FOR LIFE

[Perdita]

10 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.


1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door..

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.

6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

10.. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.