eastenders comedy

[crazy_purple]

*At the club*
ANTHONY: Whee! *so very very drunk*
ZOE: Kat, where are you going?
KAT: *leaving* I've gotta go give Alfie a goodnight kiss and maybe more.
ZOE: Aww, okay!
THE EVIL GODS OF IRONY: Tee hee.
ANTHONY: Kat Kat Kat... *falls over on her*
KAT: *sigh* I suppose I'd better take him back to his house. Good deed for the day.
*At ANTHONY's house*
*ANTHONY tries to kiss her, and oh noes! PAUL sees*
KAT: *pulls away* Ew no! Yuck! I lurve Alfie!
ANTHONY: *cries*
PAUL: *outside* Whew. They're having an affair. Heavy. Hmm... what should I do? Oh yeah - tell Alfie.

----

I've run out of it now - I'll have to go write some more out

[feelingyellow]

yay write more!

[crazy_purple]

*The next day*
ALFIE: Did you have fun last night?
KAT: Yeah... it'd have been better if you were there...
ALFIE: Clubbing isn't really my scene -
KAT: *cuddles up to him*
ALFIE: - but it is now.
KAT: I'm sorry I wasn't here last night... you didn't have anything special planned, did you?
ALFIE: *sadly* Not at all.
KAT: ... Hey, why are your eyebrows singed?
ALFIE: ... They aren't.
KAT: They are, they're all burnt off...
ALFIE: Never mind.
*PAUL interrupts this lovely scene to tell ALFIE that he saw KAT snogging ANTHONY last night, even though he totally didn't.*
ALFIE: Woe! *cries*

*ALFIE waits until he and KAT are in a posh restaurant on a date before telling her he knows she sort-of-kissed her ex-boyfriend. The silly boy.*
KAT: *sees that a man on a nearby table is eyeing her up, and smiles at him sexily - why, Kat, why?*
ALFIE: *feels insecure, bless him* I know you kissed Anthony!
KAT: Gasp! I didn't - he tried to kiss me but I want to be with you for ever and ever so I pulled away and he - and - I can't believe you'd think I'd do that! *runs out*
ALFIE: ... So basically, I'm just a poohead.

[feelingyellow]

they split, but great comedy - keep it up!

[crazy_purple]

*the next day*
KAT: I think it's best if we're just mates. This was never gonna work. You don't trust me.
ALFIE: *bottom lip trembles* Kat, I-
KAT: Shut up! *about to cry* We both love each other to bits and we are clearly soulmates, so the best thing to do is split up and never speak of this again!
ALFIE: ...
KAT: IT CLEARLY MAKES SENSE! Right, just mates. *they shake hands miserably, and KAT leaves*
ALFIE: *bursts into tears* I LOVE KAT! DAMN YOU, SCRIPTWRITERS!
THE SCRIPTWRITERS: *look away, whistling*

*They pretend to be 'just mates' for months, and it drives several viewers insane*
A VIEWER: JUST SNOG HER YOU DOLT! *smashes TV screen in*
*However, this doesn't affect me, since I was already pretty much insane to begin with.*

[feelingyellow]

the viewer by any chance wouldn't have been you, would it? please keep this up, i'm laughing my piglet socks off!

[melanielovesdennisrickman]

Haha,lol,this is really good,it's sooooo funny ,please keep this up!!

[crazy_purple]

*While KAT and ALFIE are basically standing around trying not to look at each other, like six-year-olds, BILLY gets himself into a spot of bother with the local hardman*
BILLY: *whimper* Please don't hurt me Mr Nice Gangster Man...
KAT: *sigh* Oh God, Billy, you're such a dolt, can't you stand up for yourself? He's a pathetic gangster.
PATHETIC GANGSTER: Hey!
KAT: I suppose you're Mr. Big.
PATHETIC GANGSTER: And you must be Mrs Big Mouth.
KAT: Yeah, real original. You are...?
PATHETIC GANGSTER: Ironically named Andy Hunter, at your service.
THE AUDIENCE OF 2005 (WHO TECHNICALLY DON'T EXIST YET, BUT HEY, I'M RUNNING THIS JOINT!): Noooo! *makes the sign of the cross at him*

ANDY: Go out with me.
KAT: No.
ANDY: Go out with me.
KAT: No.
ANDY: Go out with me.
KAT: No.
ANDY: GO OUT WITH ME OR I'LL HAVE YOU SHOT!
KAT: ...Okay.

*KAT and ANDY have fish and chips in the park, while PRETENTIOUS VIOLINISTS play nearby*
PRETENTIOUS VIOLINISTS: Hey!
ME: Sorry. I just like insulting people today.
VIOLINISTS WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE PRETENTIOUS: That's better. *play a romantic song*
KAT: Have you got any Stella?
ANDY: No, but there's pond-fresh champagne. You like?
*He pulls a string and a bottle of champagne is pulled from out of the pond, because... I don't know. I really don't. But this actually happened on the show. I can't make this stuff up, people.*
KAT: Ooh...
ALFIE: *watching from the Vic window* Pffft. Any idiot could do that. All you need is a bit of string, and-
ANDY: Henchmen, have that man shot!
HENCHMAN: Yessir. Very good, sir.
KAT: *swoon* Ooh, money AND power!

[feelingyellow]

please do more!

[Kim]

. More soon please