Desperate Housewives - Season 5 Spoilers

Episode 5.01 You're Gonna Love Tomorrow

Five years ago, Susan and Mike were in a terrible collision with another car. Now, she's sleeping with her painter, Jackson, but refuses to let him spend the night or to let him meet her friends, saying she's "not ready."

Bree and Katherine's catering business has become a fulltime affair, but the spotlight is on Bree, who's written a new cookbook. Katherine is touched that Bree has dedicated the book to her, until she discovers that she's not credited for many of the recipes that they came up with together. During a shoot for a cooking show, she fakes an injury so that Bree is forced to apply a spun-sugar veil that only Katherine has ever successfully done. Bree makes a horrible botch of it and Katherine then shows the camera crew that she's really the expert.

That night, as Bree practices the procedure for a reshoot, she comes across a toy that used to belong to Danielle's baby, the one she'd agreed to let Bree raise. But Danielle, who's now married, changed her mind and took the baby back, telling Bree she'd have to find "something else" to take the baby's place.

Gabby, who now has two girls with Carlos, can't ignore the fact that her four-year-old, Juanita, has a weight problem when she can't find a "princess dress" that will fit her for a party. She's alarmed to see Juanita eating several helpings of cake at the party, so she decides to make her daughter exercise by forcing her to run after the car on the way home. Finally, Juanita gives up and takes the bus. Carlos scolds her and Gabby sadly admits she's glad Carlos is blind because she no longer feels pretty. He insists she'll always be beautiful to him.

Porter and Preston, the Scavo twins, are still holy terrors at age 16. Lynette discovers them running an underage casino at the pizzeria and grounds them for a month, which means they'll miss homecoming. She asks Tom to speak to the boys but realizes it's doing no good because Tom, who was a band geek in high school, loves that his boys are so popular. Tom ungrounds the twins and Lynette counters by suggesting that they take Tom's prized restored convertible to homecoming. Tom finally gets the message and comes down hard on the boys when they arrive half an hour past curfew.

The women of Wisteria Lane are astonished to see that Edie's back -- and that she's married! Her new husband, Dave, seems to have done wonders for Edie, who is now civil to the women who once threw her out of the neighborhood. Lynette proposes they throw a party at the pizzeria for her return. Edie sees the party as their way of saying "sorry," for running her out of town, but flips when they tell her this is a "we forgive you," party and warn her not to return to her old ways. She complains to Dave, who says he wants her to be friends with these women because it'll be "easier." Edie complies, although she still doesn't understand why Dave was so determined for them to return to Wisteria Lane.

Jackson shows up to Edie's party and is about to tell Susan's friends about the two of them when Susan cuts the power. She explains she she can't be in a relationship, because of the accident five years ago. It wasn't Mike who was killed, but the occupants of the other car. Mike refused to feel guilty, even though he should have taken the car to a mechanic instead of fixing the brakes himself, but Susan can't let it go. She and Mike split up and are now sharing custody of their son, M.J. Jackson agrees to give Susan more time.

Later that night, Dave calls his doctor, whose care he's been under for a rage problem so severe it got him in legal trouble. Dave promises that he's no longer a threat to anyone, except for one person, he says as the camera roves over Wisteria Lane.

Jackson finally spends the night at Susan's because M.J. is away on a sleepover. When he goes out to get the morning paper dressed only in his robe, he runs into Mike, who insists on getting to know the man who's sleeping with his ex-wife. If he doesn't approve, Mike threatens to alter his custody agreement with Susan. Things look great when Mike takes a shine to Jackson but Susan is horrified when she realizes that they talked about what she likes in bed and forbids Jackson to hang out with Mike again. She's afraid that Mike will poison Jackson's attitude towards her, giving how ugly their divorce got, but he assures her he's not holding any grudges, so she relents and lets them be friends.

Orson objects when Bree is billed as "Mrs. Van de Kamp" on her new book, instead of as "Mrs. Hodge." He's horirbly upset when she says there's "no Mr. Van de Kamp" during a radio interview but doesn't happen to mention that there's a Mr. Hodge. She offers to make it up to him by cooking a pot roast but completely forgets about it when an interview runs late. He insists she cook him one, even though it's after midnight, and she complies, crying.

Lynette decides the only way to talk to moody teen Porter is via a networking site called Silverfizz, so she signs up and invents an alter ego, Sarah J. The two are soon chatting avidly about poetry, but things take an unexpected turn when Porter develops a crush on what he thinks is a 16-year-old girl. The jig is up when she writes him a "Dear John" note and accidentally signs it "Love, Mom." She tells him she misses the times when they used to talk and he insists he wasn't talking to her online, but to Sarah.

Carlos takes a job as a masseur at the country club, so Bree feels it's inappropriate for him and Gabrielle to attend a party she's catering for the country club set. Gabby doesn't want to miss the party season, so she shows up anyway and is horrified when they're kicked out for not being on the guest list. She's devastated at "losing everything" but Carlos tells her he's happier than his rich clients are and wishes she would feel the same.

Dave Williams tries to be the most resourceful neighbor Wisteria Lane has ever seen, but it might all be for naught because Edie insists on moving after Karen insulted her. Dave asks Karen to apologize but she says she'd have to hear it from Edie. She reconsiders when her cat goes missing and Dave offers to help find him. Toby mysteriously turns up after Karen makes the required apology, prompting Karen to do some research on Dave.

It's taken three years for Bree to convince Danielle to let her son Benjamin, now six, visit. She tries not to be critical, but can't hold her tongue when Benjamin calls Danielle by her first name. "I certainly hope he won't call me Bree," she says and Danielle assures her, "Don't worry. I told him to call you Granny."

Bree is horrified to learn that Benjamin's been raised vegetarian and convinces him to try a hot dog. Benjamin becomes violently ill and when the truth comes out, Danielle announces they're leaving. Orson blames Bree for driving Danielle away -- and for not fighting harder to keep Benjamin in the first place.

Susan's son, MJ, is being bullied on the playground, but he won't say by whom. Mike plans to teach him how to fight but when the bully turns out to be Juanita Solis, Mike demurs, saying, "If it wears a skirt, it's off limits," even though Susan insists, "She could take down a small deer!" Susan complains to Gaby, but the conversation quickly turns to name calling. After Juanita pushes MJ, Susan pushes her back and soon Gaby and Susan are in a full-on shoving match. They finally reconcile over a bottle of booze and admit they're both clueless when it comes to parenting.

Gabrielle loses her last bit of luxury when she's forced to sell their sports car for far less than it's worth -- to someone who's buying it for their nanny. She buys Andrew's old car, but it dies on her almost immediately, thanks to a cracked radiator. She insists he pay for the repair but he says he warned her it was crap and that it's not his problem. Emboldened by Susan's urging her to "Get mad more often," Gabrielle threatens to hit Andrew's new car unless he pays up, and he does.

Dave invites Tom, who's reluctantly getting rid of his prized guitar, to start a band with him. Lynette's against the idea and manages to have the guitar destroyed "accidentally." Dave talks Lynette into accepting a replacement guitar by stressing what other "midlife crisis" things Tom might do if he's not allowed the outlet of playing in a band.

Karen's questions about Dave get to Edie, who realizes she doesn't know much about her husband. At a party, she pushes him to reveal where he went to college. He tells her he didn't and that that deeply embarresses him. When he realizes who's to blame for her inquisitiveness, he recalls his own grandmother's paranoid dementia, saying ominously, "I just hope that doesn't happen to Karen."

Thanks for these they sound like really good spoilers :D I can't believe its set 5 years in the future its going to be so wierd...lol

I am so conufsed about this! The current series on Channel 4 is only jsut finishing... is there a new season straight away on Sunday then?? :confused:

I think it's because of the writers strike.

Yes, the writers' strike meant that a lot of these series had to break for longer then the traditional American mid-series break (I think they usually don't transmit the programme for 4 weeks) but obviously, the writers' strike at the beginning of last year meant that they had to suspend filming, as they start filming the series before the script is completely written. Also, a lot of actors and film crew were striking in solidarity with the writers.

Sorry, I am waffling now!

Anyway, the spoilers look excellent - So Mike and Susan have split - I wonder why?

During parent night at school, Mike is upset when he barely figures in MJ's drawing of his family: "That little bug with a hat on, that's me?" He buys his son a new bike but then doesn't have time to teach MJ how to ride. Mike is finally on his way over to show MJ the basics, but Susan realizes that MJ's already had Jackson, who's around a lot more, teach him. She orders MJ to fake a few spills to convince his dad he's a beginner and MJ ends up with a sprained arm. At the hospital, MJ admits he fell on purpose and Susan tells Mike that being divorced means that each one of them will miss important moments in their son's life.


When Bree's cookbook comes out, her friends are not-so-secretly jealous. Lynette sees this as her big chance to get back into marketing and comes up with a whole "jazzy" ad campaign, which Bree politely declines.

Lynette is even more upset when she realizes that her old assistant is the one handling Bree's account. At the luncheon to celebrate Bree's being named Businesswoman of the Year, Lynette drunkenly tries to offer some unasked-for advice so Bree asks her to leave. Bree admits that all her success has come at a high cost if it means losing her friends and possibly her husband and Lynette assures her. "All your friends are proud of you. Bitterly jealous, but proud."

Bree discovers that Orson has been fired from his post-prison job. Finding no luck in landing a new position, he suggests that she hire him, an idea that doesn't sit well with Katherine, who threatens to cut Bree with the scissors she's using to arrange flowers. Katherine tries to talk Orson out of the idea, describing what Bree's like as a boss: "Bitchy, tyrannical, shrill!"

Bree suggests they revisit the idea in a month but Orson decides to move into the guest bedroom and to skip her luncheon. He finally moves back in when she offers him the gift of a chef's hat -- and a partnership in her business.

Gaby is desperate for more sex with Carlos, so she arranges an afternoon playdate for Juanita. Unfortunately, Juanita comes home early and catches them in bed. When Juanita blurts out her newfound sex education to her friend, the playdates are abruptly canceled. "I guess it's back to the old schedule of ten minutes of grope and snore at midnight," Carlos sighs. Gaby insists that parents need "playdates" too and convinces the friend's parents to reconsider.

Edie asks Dave to buy a now-empty house on the block so they can rent it out. "My friend Mary Alice blew her brains out in this house. I let that slip and we can get it for a song." She's shocked when Dave refuses and even more so when he yells at her.

The house comes in handy when Dave realizes that Mike's only reason for refusing to join his and Tom's garage band is the time he spends commuting to his current place. Mike can't afford the rent on Wisteria Lane, but Dave buys the house -- as a present to Edie -- and gives Mike a fantastic deal on the rent. He insists that no one, especially Mike, know that he and Edie are the landlords.

Episode 5.05: Mirror, Mirror
Airdate: October 26, 2008

10/07 - We learn what has transpired on Wisteria Lane in the past five years. Driven by a hidden agenda, Dave convinces Susan to throw Mrs. McCluskey a surprise party for her 70th birthday; Jackson wants to take his relationship with Susan to the next level; Gaby's concerned she might be pregnant; Tom tells Lynette he's sold the pizzeria; a startling reason for the bond between Bree and Katherine is revealed; and an outraged Mrs. McCluskey has the entire neighborhood questioning her sanity. Source: ABC
09/28 - The October 26 episode, set around a 70th birthday gathering Dave throws for McCluskey, will consist almost entirely of flashbacks. "As each of the ladies gets ready for the party, they remember key events that happened during the five years," [Marc] Cherry says. "It's an important episode that will explain a lot about why these women have changed." Source: TV Guide
09/09 - There is a party on Wisteria Lane. At the event, something happens to McCluskey and she must leave the party in an ambulance. According to McCluskey, a man is trying to kill her because she knows what he's up to. Susan and Mike meet with a lawyer in order to sign divorce papers. Tom ends up at the hospital after getting a massive electric shock while working on an electric panel at the restaurant. Source: SpoilerFix.com
08/26 - Mrs. McCluskey thinks someone is trying to kill her for being her natural busybody self. Later this season, Tom Scavo is in for a shocking surprise-and the hospital. Source: Kristin on E!Online


Episode 5.06: There's Always a Woman
Airdate: November 2, 2008

10/12 - Gaby is over the moon when Carlos' client makes them an offer they can't refuse, but a startling discovery leaves her second guessing; Lynette grows suspicious that Tom is cheating on her; and after breaking up with Jackson, Susan tries to surprise him, only to find the surprise is on her. Meanwhile, the bond between Bree and Katherine grows, and Mrs. McCluskey enlists the help of her sister to dig up dirt on Dave. Source: ABC


Episode 5.07: What More Do I Need
Airdate: November 9, 2008

09/28 - Charlie: An 18-year-old Caucasian employee, he is caught stealing from his employers. Unrepentant, he later tries to blackmail them with a secret tape. Eleanor Garrett: 40ish, Eleanor is the PTA president at Lynette's school. Brandon: 40s - 50, the uniformed butler of a very rich woman, Brandon is not too thrilled to be serving her freeloading guests. Secretary (Trish): A psychiatrist's secretary in her 30s. Source: SpoilerTV


Episode 5.08: City on Fire
Airdate: November 16, 2008

10/12 - Marc Cherry, the man behind the women of ABC's Desperate Housewives, just revealed some shocking news: Fairview will catch fire during November sweeps-and some won't survive the blaze. Marc spilled: "It's one of the biggest special-effects episodes we've ever done, actually more difficult than the tornado." [... The guys'] band plays a pivotal role in the fire disaster. Marc said: "We have a huge episode that we just started shooting where all my regulars go to see a garage band from the neighborhood play in a nightclub. The nightclub gets set on fire. It's connected to the mystery, and it's going to be a huge episode." Source: Kristin on E!Online
09/30 - Bouncer: A burly man in his 30's at the White Horse Club, he asks a teenager for his ID. Emcee: In his 30's - 40, this cool emcee at the rock club announces the bands in a competition. EMT: A man in his late 20's - late 30's, he wants to get an accident victim to the hospital. Fireman: A man in his late 20's - early 40's, he prohibits people from entering a burning building. Man: In his late 20's - mid 30's, this patron at the White Horse Club tells another patron to use the backstage men's room. Reporter: 30's - early 40's, this man/woman at the scene of an emergency interviews a man he/she considers a hero. Source: SpoilerTV
09/28 - Lloyd: A thrice-divorced college English professor/poet in his late 40s - early 50s, he is dating one of his (much younger) grad students much to the dismay of her mother (think a younger Michael Douglas from "Wonder Boys"...or John Hannah). Candice: An 18-year-old babysitter, she becomes alarmed when she notices that one of the kids is missing. Source: SpoilerTV


Episode 5.09: Title Unknown
Airdate: November 2008

10/12 - Peter: A good-looking gay plastic surgeon around 30, his boyfriend wants him to meet the family. Recurring. Dr. Basch: A middle-aged male surgeon, he has good news for his patient. Debby: A prudish middle-aged event coordinator for a Williams Sonoma-type store, she organizes a cooking demonstration for children. Denise: A sassy 9-10 year old girl, she is chosen from the small audience to take part in a cooking demonstration. Source: SpoilerTV

Dave suggests that Edie throw a party for Karen McCluskey's 70th birthday and that Susan host so it will be a surprise.

Gabrielle is alarmed that her period is late. We flash back to the first time she learned she was pregnant: The doctor proclaimed it a "miracle," and Carlos called it a "one-in-a-million shot" but Gaby wasn't so happy since neither had jobs at the time but Carlos convinced her she'd be a good mother. The second time Gaby got pregnant, she insisted Carlos get a vasectomy.

Just as they arrive at Susan's for the party, he blurts out the out the secret he's been keeping: "I never got a vasectomy!"

Jackson asks Susan if he can move in since he spends so much time at her house anyway. She remembers the day she met him, when she was newly separated from Mike and looking for a "change" by having her house painted. Months later, on the day she and Mike signed their divorce papers, she came home, incredibly depressed, and asked Jackson. "Do you like Scotch?" The two ended up in bed together but agreed that neither one of them was looking for something serious at the moment. "I gave romance a shot and I'm ready for something a little more casual," she said and Jackson was delighted to hear it, saying that such women were "an urban legend."

But now, just as the guests are starting to arrive, he tells her, "I've fallen in love with you."

Lynette remembers when Tom had a near-death accident at the restaurant which stopped his heart. He was okay, but suddenly went into full midlife crisis mode, including showing up with a red sports car. At the hospital, Lynette had promised him she'd help him find "more" to life, but she balks when he shows up with a brochure for an RV, along with a plan to take the kids out of school for a year and drive around the country. She asks, "Who's going to be running our restaurant while we're off doing the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test?" On the way to Karen's party, he tells her he's going to sell the pizzeria -- and that he's already found a buyer.

Orson plans to announce that Bree has made him a partner at the party but she asks him not to tell anyone yet. We flash back to how she started drinking again after Orson went to jail. "My husband's gone, my son's gone," she tells Katherine when she realizes there's a problem, "I have nothing." Katherine advises her, "So you have a void in your life. Don't fill it with wine, fill it with work. Just think of the woman you could be by the time Orson gets back. " She promises Bree, "It'll be our secret," and that she is moving in to help her get sober.

Bree forbids Orson to tell anyone about the partnership and when he refuses, she tells him it was a mistake and that he's fired.


To her great joy, Gabrielle gets her period and Carlos admits he was still holding out hope for another child.

Tom calls Lynette a "buzzkill" and is upset that she doesn't "get it" that he's craving more out of life than making pizza. She reminds him, "Scavo's was the adventure. We changed our whole lives so you could live out your dream."

Furious that she's favoring Katherine over him, Orson asks Bree for a divorce, so she finally tells him why she owes Katherine so much. Orson thanks Katherine and tells her he won't mind earning a partnership, even if it takes two years. "Oh, honey, working for Bree, you won't last two months!" she smiles.

Susan tells Jackson it wouldn't bother her if he was with another woman so he grabs Katherine and kisses her. Jackson wants to know if he and Susan have a future together and when she tells him, "I don't want to think about the future," he breaks up with her.

A few days before Karen's birthday, Dave finds her going through his mail. He asks Edie if she's still "asking questions," and Edie assures him, "Prying is what people who are too old to have sex do to keep life interesting." When she mentions that Karen is turning 70, he suggests they throw her a party.

While Edie takes Karen out for her annual birthday drink, Dave sneaks into Karen's house and rearranges a few photos and mementos.

When she arrives at the party, everyone yells "Surprise," but they're surprised when she accuses Dave of breaking into her house and attacks the cake with a baseball bat. She tries to goes after Dave and they call 911. Before she's taken away in an ambulance, she tells Dave, "You're up to something, something awful." He admits that he planned the whole thing and says, "You don't know what awful is

I've heard that Susan loses a loved one in the big fire on Desperate Housewives. Can you give any hint as to whom it might be? - Mia

Mickey: While all signs point to it being Jackson, at the risk of sounding like a monster, I hope it's M.J., if only because I think it would be bold dramatic territory for the show - and Teri Hatcher - to cover. And Marc Cherry has already hinted at just such a morbid storyline. It's just that we all assumed he was talking about Lynette since she has so many offspring to spare.

During the course of his regular massage, Carlos accidentally gives a wealthy client an orgasm! She tips him extravagantly and then requests that he accompany her to Europe for two months for $100,000. Carlos turns it down, but won't say why, which Gabby can't understand. "Just wait until she tells all her rich lady friends what you did for her!" she gushes.

Susan's new house painter gets an earful about her breakup with Jackson, and he advises her to go call the man already. She goes by his apartment and finds his door open and, hearing the shower going, decides to strip and join him. Instead she finds another woman, and is upset that Jackson has already found someone new.

Gabrielle stops by the spa and learns the truth about why Mrs. Hildebrand's such a big tipper. She storms over to her house to tell her to leave Carlos alone. Mrs. Hildebrand is flattered that someone as young and pretty as Gabrielle would consider her a threat. When she invites Gabrielle to come along as her personal shopper and even to take the girls along, Gabrielle delightedly agrees.

Jackson can't believe Susan is mad at him for moving on and she confesses she's not ready to let him go. "Can't we just start over?" she asks. His answer is to walk out the door and then call her on his cell phone and introduce himself to ask her out for a "first date."

Lynette sees Tom meeting with a beautiful blonde and is so relieved to hear that she's a realtor, and that the meeting is about a rehearsal space, that she readily agrees to him signing the lease. But Lynette's suspicions are piqued when she hears that the realtor, Anne, is a frequent guest and that there's now a futon in the space. When Tom says rehearsal is running late one night, Lynette stops by and finds him alone. "What the hell is this? You moving out on me?" she demands. "Is this the final stage of your mid-life crisis? An affair?"

Tom tells Lynette that if she's so upset by his hobbies, he'll give them up. He goes to hug her -- and strategically places his foot over a used condom. He's not covering up for himself, however, but for Porter, who also has a key to the space. Tom catches Porter there later that night, but Porter sneaks his lover out before Tom can see who it is. Lynette, who's followed Tom, sees that the woman is none other than Anne! She assumes the worst and starts packing.

Mike wonders why Dave is putting so much time and effort into the garage band and asks, "Why's it such a big deal to you?" Dave insists that it's not and he's just having fun. We learn more about Dave's motivations when he mentions to Edie that he's borrowed the band name from his late brother's high school band. Edie can't believe she's never heard about something as painful as a brother who died in prison at the hands of another inmate. Dave assures her, "I've got my own way of dealing with it."

Katherine admits that she's jealous of Bree and Orson being a "power couple" and that she's lonely, so Bree fixes her up with Orson's college roommate, Peter, for whom they've just agreed to cater a dinner. When he hears Bree gush about her matchmaking skills, Orson confesses that he knows Peter from prison, not college! Bree calls Katherine to warn her but it's too late: She's already slept with Peter and thanks Bree for a "magical" evening.

The next morning, Bree breaks the bad news about Peter to Katherine by handing her a cocktail. "Can I have another Cosmopolitan?" she asks after having a good cry. That night, Katherine runs into Mike, who's just come back from a bad first date. "I just want someone nice to have a cup of coffee with," he laments. Katherine says it's too late for coffee but invites him in for lemonade.

When Edie visits her in the hospital, Karen doesn't disclose Dave's admission that he orchestrated her meltdown, but blames her "new pills" for the whole thing. She then calls her sister, Roberta, saying "Get your sorry ass over here, ASAP. I need you big time, kiddo." Roberta pulls some files on a company Karen knows has sent mail to Dave's house and tells Karen, "Looks like your Mr. Williams is keeping a little secret."

So Mike is Katherine's new man :eek:

Gabrielle and Carlos are enjoying being pampered at Mrs. Hildebrand's, who's invited the whole family to stay for the weekend. Gaby has second thoughts, however, when Mrs. Hildebrand encourages the girls to call her "Grandma." They make excuses to leave for Celia's birthday party, but Mrs. Hildebrand makes a surprise appearance, wanting to take Celia shopping for an expensive, antique doll. Carlos has warned Gaby not to alienate Mrs. Hildebrand, as she has a lot of pull at the country club but Gaby tells her, "Knock it off. This whole creepy, clingy, 'I am your grandma' routine. It's like you're trying to buy us, but we're not for sale, so just back off."

Mrs. Hildebrand's next move is to call the president of the country club and tell him that Carlos's last massage with her was "highly inappropriate" and that he is "a liability the club can't afford."

Jackson and Susan's "fresh start" is going very well and they're getting to know each other better. She finds out that he also paints art, but has been creatively blocked. She insists on no sex until their fourth date, so a frustrated Jackson turns to his canvas. But Susan nixes her own "fourth-date" rule on the third date and can't understand why Jackson turns her down.

She shows up at his apartment the next night in a sexy corset and announces, "I'm declaring this our official fourth date. You may begin disrobing now." He tells her he's busy and admits that he's been painting again, since not having sex has freed up his artistic drive. She runs into his studio to take a look at the painting and is astonished to see that it's of her, and that he knows her better than she ever thought.

An enraged Lynette confronts Tom, whom she believes is having an affair with Anne Schilling, their realtor and longtime friend. She's astonished when he reveals it's Porter who's been having the affair, and Tom is shocked to find out that the "girl from English class," that Porter told him about is really a married woman. "You're having sex with your best friend's mother?" Lynette shouts at Porter when he comes home. They order Porter to call it off with Anne but he threatens to leave home if the husband finds out. "If you don't end this, you won't have to leave. We will throw you out," Lynette counters.

Lynette angrily confronts Anne after a school meeting and when Anne says she loves Porter, Lynette slaps her. "So do I. And if you ever lay a hand on him again, you will find out just how much."

Porter meets with Anne, who drops a bombshell: "I'm pregnant." Unbeknownst to his parents, he makes a plan to run away with her.

Dave has a surprise for the band: He's signed them up for a "Battle of the Bands" competition. He tells Mike they need an original song, but Mike says he's too busy. "What's her name?" Dave asks, saying he's heard that Susan and Jackson broke up. "Get a life," Mike replies, refusing to name who he's seeing.

Karen's sister, Roberta, has gotten ahold of Dave's phone records, which reveal a pattern of calls to a Boston psychiatrist for the criminally insane. They call the doctor, posing as an insurance company, but he realizes they're not legit. Roberta admits that they're just trying to get information on a new neighbor who's "creeping them out." The doctor reacts strongly when she mentions they're in Fairview. He doesn't tell them why, but immediately books a flight to Fairview.

Thanks to surveillance video, Bree and Orson discover that an employee has stolen $200 from the petty cash box and fire him. But when they decided to celebrate their success by having sex in their test kitchen, they inadvertently provide him with the means to blackmail them when he steals the tape. Bree gives Andrew "carte blanche" to do whatever he has to to get it back, as a sex tape would ruin her wholesome "Mrs. Van de Kamp" image. Andrew gets it back -- "You'd be surprised what a group of bikers is willing to do for a case of beer" -- and shows them the tape, which is not of them, but of Katherine and Mike!

Bree presents the video to Katherine, who is embarrassed but not apologetic for seeing Mike. Bree asks her if she knows what she's doing, hooking up with the ex-husband of her oldest friend on Wisteria Lane. Katherine answers, "I'm having the time of my life." "I'd hate to see it end badly," Bree warns.

The members of Blue Odyssey -- Dave, Carlos, Mike, Tom, and Orson -- are nervous on the night of the Battle of the Bands since they're so much older than all the other bands. "We're here to have fun," Dave reminds them and Mike agrees, saying, "It'll be a night to remember." He has no idea, of course, that a fire is going to break out when they're on stage, causing a mad stampede for the exits. After Preston spills Porter's plans to run away with Anne Shilling, Lynette goes to confront Anne. Unfortunately, her husband, Warren, comes home just in time to hear his wife say, "I'm glad I'm having Porter's baby." Anne begs Lynette not to leave her alone with Warren but Lynette walks out. Feeling guilty, she goes back and finds Anne's husband kicking her and warns him, "Just so you know, I hit back!" When Porter hears that a badly beaten Anne is in the hospital, he runs off.

Julie brings home her college boyfriend, Lloyd, only he's not a fellow student, but a professor who's been divorced three times! Susan does not approve, especially when Lloyd tells her he's going to ask Julie to marry him. Jackson makes Susan promise not to interfere, but she can't help herself and tells LLoyd, "I don't want my daughter to be some man's fourth wife!'" As it turns out, Julie would have said no anyway. "I'm never getting married," she tells her mother. "If there's one thing I've learned from your experience, marriage is a joke." Susan tells her that she's found happiness again with Jackson and that "I like believing in happily ever after and I wish you felt that way too." With her cookbook coming out in a week's time, Bree tries to convince Sandra, a hard-nosed reporter, that her life is just as perfect as her recipes, but all her secrets come out when the reporter digs a little deeper. "What you're selling is a total sham," she tells Bree. Defeated, Bree bitterly says that all she can hope to offer women is, to know "there's always a chance to get something right, even if it's just a casserole." Sandra smiles brightly and says, "Why didn't you tell me that right up front? That's an angle I can work with."

Gabrielle is shocked to see Virginia Hildebrand at her house, but Carlos tells her that everything is fine, because Virginia convinced the country club to rehire him. Gaby still wants to throw the woman out, until Carlos reveals that she's made them the sole heirs to her vast fortune. Gaby gives Virginia a welcoming hug, saying, "Why can't I stay mad at you?" Virginia invites herself to the Battle of the Bands to see Carlos perform and Gaby has no choice but to go with her instead of her friends. At the bar, Virginia insists on pulling the girls out of their local school and sending them out of town to a private one. "A couple of years ago, you could have bought me," Gaby says, "But I'm a mother now and I make the decisions for my daughters." Virginia threatens to take her out of the will in the morning if she doesn't agree, and Gaby tells her to go ahead. But when the fire breaks out, she does the right thing and helps an incapacitated Virginia to the door.

That night, Porter gets into Warren's club -- the same one where the Battle of the Bands is being held -- through the emergency exit and decks him. "You're dead, I don't care what it takes," Porter yells. Warren throws him out and orders an employee to bar the exit. Porter tells his mother that whatever happens is all her fault. He comes back to the club with a gun but by then the fire is raging. Dave's psychiatrist, Dr. Heller follows him to the club and Dave promises he'll go with him after his band plays. But when Heller sees the names on the band poster, he tells Dave he needs to speak to one of the band members right now, or he'll call the police. Dave leads Heller to a storage room, where he says that he really likes him -- right before he chokes him to death. Jackson's in the hall, looking for the bathroom and after Dave directs him away from the storage room, he bolts the bathroom door.

Dave sets Heller's body on fire and then calmly joins his band mates on stage, pretending to be surprised as everyone else when Edie yells, "Fire!" Carlos falls in the melee and gets a concussion, but is helped outside by his band mates. Dave stays inside, vowing to get everyone out. When Susan can't find Jackson, Mike goes back in for him; neither knows that Jackson got out through the window. Still looking for Jackson, Mike is overcome by the smoke and collapses. "I'm not done with you, yet," Dave tells the unconscious Mike, before he carries him outside, where Dave is proclaimed a hero. "Your kid burned down my club," Warren shouts at Tom, and so Porter is the one arrested for starting the fire.

Meet Eli Scruggs (guest star Beau Bridges), handyman extraordinaire who is like a Forrest Gump-type figure, the eyes and ears of Wisteria Lane, whose presence was felt in some significant plot developments over the years. We'll ignore the fact that such a crucial figure has never appeared on the show before and enjoy all the flashbacks! Eli's first significant contribution to Desperate Housewives' 100th episode is to die while fixing Susan's roof, hence we travel back in time to see how Eli helped our girls get their respective grooves back.

GABY
Eva Longoria slaps on a circa-2003 wig to play Spoiled Former Model Gaby, who is very lonely and hates living in Fairview. Eli, who is there fixing the sink, suggests that she invite her neighbors over for poker. When they arrive, Gaby's maid tells them she likes to make an entrance, and boy, does she — wearing a wildly inappropriate gold lamé cocktail dress and more jewelry than Mr. T. As they shuffle the deck, she regales the ladies with boastful tales of her formerly fabulous life (she called Jon Bon Jovi "Pumpkin" and did vodka shots with Kate Moss!) while dissing their suburban lives. When Eli clues her in that Operation Full House was a bust, she crashes the ladies' next game, heart (and muffins) in hand, apologizes for her earlier behavior and confesses to them that she could really use some friends. "Now that's how you make an entrance," says Bree. And it's all thanks to Eli!

BREE
Bree's wig is a funny reminder of that severe flip Marcia Cross used to wear. Bree and Rex(!) invite the Scavos (including a molto-pregs-with-Penny-and-cranky Lynette) over for brunch, at which Bree complains about her erratic stove over an overcooked frittata, which leads to an argument about Bree not working. The Scavos break the tension with some funny. "If you're looking for a stove, we got one that's hardly ever used," Tom cracks. "I wish I could say the same for my uterus," Lynette cracks back. Eli is there, of course, fixing the van de Kamp's sink. Bree announces that she's writing a cookbook, and Rex is not very supportive about the idea. So Bree throws away her notes. Flash forward a few years to just after Rex's death, and Eli is there to fix Bree's banister — and to return her cookbook notes, which he retrieved from the garbage all those many years ago. He encourages her to take another shot at it, and Mrs. van de Kamp is born! And it's all thanks to Eli!

EDIE
Nicollette Sheridan is wearing long bangs. Apparently, Edie once had a husband named Umberto who liked to go to the gym a lot and have sex with Edie not so much. Eli overhears their argument about afternoon sex while he's fixing the sink in her bathroom (All these broken sinks! A plumbing conspiracy to summon Mike from Hottie Plumber HQ?). He reassures her that she is, in fact, desirable. Flash forward to the day that Edie's marriage crumbles when she discovers that Umberto is — gasp — a gay! Eli is there, and he again feeds her ego with more compliments, which leads to Eli snaking out one drain in particular, ifyouknowhutimsaying. So Edie's sense of self-worth is restored! And it's all thanks to Eli!

LYNETTE
Lynette: long, bedraggled, pregnant-lady hair. When Lynette discovers that she's pregnant for the third time, she and Tom fight about the fact that she wants to return to work, not have another baby. Then we flash-forward to the day that Lynette simultaneously endures labor while negotiating the terms for her new job, which she gets. "Congratulations! The baby's arm is sticking out; why don't you high-five it?" Tom snarks. Cut to a post-partum Lynette on the phone with her new boss, forgetting that she left the newborn Penny in the car. But Eli is there, and he rescues her from the 85-degree heat, symbolically reminding Lynette of what's really important. And it's all thanks to Eli!

SUSAN
Susan's hair kind of looks the same. Eli is there to change the locks on the day that she discovers that Karl has left her for a secretary, and she is characteristically unhinged. He accidentally lets it slip that Karl's blonde secretary isn't the only other woman; he's also seeing a redhead. He was also there the day that she and Mike decided to get divorced... to change the locks. Eli tells her she's heroic for some reason (because she divorced Mike?). Then, like the Grim Reaper of Breakups, he shows up the day that Susan breaks up with Jackson — in other words, the day he climbed up on her roof and died. But at least he's the "most consistent male relationship" Susan has ever had, which makes her feel good about herself. And it's all thanks to Eli!

MARY ALICE
Eli approaches Mary Alice on the Lane looking for work. When she notices that he has worn-out shoes, she asks him to help fix a vase. So it was Mary Alice who introduced Eli to all her friends, thus giving him a career. Two years later, Eli is there to deliver a handle or something, and a distraught Mary Alice gives him the same vase for being so nice. As he leaves, Mary Alice unfolds that famous note on purple stationery that reads "I know what you did. It makes me sick. I'm going to tell." Cut to Mrs. Huber(!) out on the street, telling all the neighbors about Mary Alice's shocking suicide. And as the camera pans down the street, we see all the neighbors wearing the same clothes they were wearing in the pilot episode. Nice touch. Then, we learn that Eli vowed to God that day that he would do what he could to help people fix their lives, lest Mary Alice's death be in vain. Props to Beau Bridges for bringing some real depth and humanism to a role that could have been the worst kind of hokey.

So, on the day of Eli's memorial service, the Wisteria ladies all pay tribute to him in their own special ways. Gaby bought the flowers. Bree made his favorite Cajun meatloaf. Edie, um, wore a sexy dress. Lynette went home and helped Penny with her math. Susan toasts to him posthumously since fixing her roof killed him before they could celebrate his retirement. As the coffin is lowered into the ground, Bree stops and rearranges its floral array. "I wanted to fix something for Eli for a change," she says.


IN THREE WEEKS! The Solises are rich again! Bree invests in the Scavos' restaurant! Susan steals something from Katherine! And Tom decks Dave for some reason!

Pie lovers nationwide are still pining for Pushing Daisies, but they'll have something new to savor when series alum Swoosie Kurtz arrives on Wisteria Lane.

The actress, who played Aunt Lily on ABC's canceled series, is guest-starring on Desperate Housewives as a potential love interest for one of the characters, her rep confirms for TVGuide.com. "[Housewives writer] Marc Cherry is writing something really special ... for her," Kurtz's rep said. "She's been a fan of the show for years and is so excited to get to Wisteria Lane."

Further details of Kurtz's appearance are being kept under wraps, but E! reports that she'll arrive in Episode 17, which will air sometime in March

Episode 5.14: Mama Spent Money When She Had None
Airdate: February 8, 2009

01/25 - Bree reaps the success of her new book by treating herself to a new car, while Lynette and Tom resolve to sell his Mustang for some extra cash; and Susan is determined to send MJ to the best school, even though she and Mike can't afford it. Meanwhile, Gaby joins Edie's no nonsense boot camp to get herself back into shape, and Lee is conflicted over whether to tell Lynette and Tom some disturbing facts about Dave. Guest stars include Kevin Rahm as Lee Macdermott and Tuc Watkins as Bob Hunter. Source: ABC
12/12/2008 - MR. Bixler: 50-55, Mr. Bixler is the headmaster at a private elementary school. Possible recurring role. Gilad: A good-looking, buff, 35-45 year old former Israeli/Middle Eastern Commando, he now runs a fitness boot camp. Clearly Gilad was trained to kill people, and he's brought that skill to his workout regimen. Homeless man: A man in his 40s, he is first seen picking cans out of a dumpster. Later, he is driven around Fairview in a brand new luxury car. Seamstress: A charactery Latin woman in her 50s, she tries to get her demanding client into an old (and now too tight) dress. Publisher: A man in his 50s, he is Bree's book publisher. Man: In his late 30s - early 40s, this Caucasian man buys his dream car. Distributor: A liquor distributor in his late 30s - mid 40s, he argues with a client over nonpayment of a bill. Source: SpoilerTV


Episode 5.15: In a World Where the Kings Are Employers
Airdate: February 15, 2009

01/28 - Susan starts a new job in order to give son MJ the best, but when Mike leaves their son in Katherine's care, anger and jealousy pervade; as Scavo's Pizzeria continues to take a hit in the current economy, Lynette tells Tom they have to sell; Carlos receives a generous bonus when Gaby discovers his boss' dirty little secret; and Orson confronts Bree when he learns she's given Andrew a raise. Meanwhile, Dave grows weary the neighbors are beginning to suspect he's up to no good. Guest stars include Todd Grinnell as Dr. Alex Cominis. Source: ABC
01/25 - Suzette: A pretty blonde hairdresser in her late 20's, she is having an affair with a married man. When she is eventually confronted by a third party, she more than holds her own. Will appear in next episode. Businessman: In his mid-late 20's, he's a lanky, eager and earnest young man who works in real estate management. He informs some unsuspecting tenants of their rent increase. Jewelry Clerk: An upscale man in his 40's, he is not amused when his customer asks for a discount. Maitre D: This upscale host in his late 30's - 50 checks his book for a reservation for 2 people. Waiter: A waiter at the upscale restaurant in his mid 20's - early 30's, he asks his patrons if they'd like dessert. Teenage Boy: A 16-year-old boy, he is dressed for prom and is eating at Scavo's pizzeria. Source: SpoilerTV

After five seasons on Desperate Housewives, the saucy, sassy Edie Britt is leaving the show, TVGuide.com has confirmed.

"[Nicollette] had a great time on the show and is looking forward to her next project," a rep for Sheridan said in a statement. (Interestingly though, an ABC rep would only confirm, via email, that the character would be leaving the show. Semantics, a slip of the keyboard, mind games? We'll see.)

Though Edie has at times been the fifth wheel in the Housewives mix, with less screen time than the show's original four ladies, this season's central mystery involves Edie's mysterious new husband, Dave Williams (Neal McDonough), and his possibly sinister intentions for moving to Edie's idyllic neighborhood.

No word yet on how Edie will depart the show, but it should be noted that she has "left" the 'hood once before. At the end of Season 4, she moved to Boston, and was essentially gone from Wisteria Lane during the five-year time jump that took place between Seasons 4 and 5 before returning at the beginning of this season.

Its a shame Edie is leaving - she is my fav :thumbsdow

I think she is going to be murdered by Dave

Bosses on U.S. TV hit Desperate Housewives have come up with a steamy way to keep viewers interested following the departure of blonde bombshell Nicollette Sheridan - they are planning a passionate same-sex kiss between Teri Hatcher and Eva Longoria Parker.

The ABC show announced Sheridan, who plays Wisteria Lane's resident man-eater Edie Britt, would be written out of the show in the forthcoming season.

And to keep the show's ratings on top, TV execs have thought of a novel way of enticing TV fans to tune in - some girl-on-girl action, according to Celebuzz.com.

Question: We already know that Edie is going to die on Desperate Housewives. What else can you tell us? --Jason
Ausiello: Orson's antics will lead Bree to seriously contemplate the D-word. Also, the Dave Williams (Neal McDonough) saga will take a crazy turn when it becomes clear that the psycho has been targeting the wrong Wisterian!

It looks like Jesse Metcalfe couldn’t stay away from the Desperate Housewives set. He was spotted going back to work with a script in his hand. And what a nice look on him, he has the Elvis hair and the little bit of hair on his face.

http://www.theinsider.com/news/17831...Housewives_Set

Season 5, Episode 17

At Brad's funeral, Carlos is sure that the company's CEO knows Brad fired him before he died. But, based on the huge bonus Brad got for Carlos, the CEO promotes Carlos to president of the company, Brad's old job.

Now that Edie knows David's real name, she does a little research. She already knew about his first wife, Lila, but not that he had a three-year-old daughter who died in the same car crash.

Bree realizes that Orson is still pocketing other people's items and confronts him with all the things he's stolen. He admits that stealing gives him a "thrill." Bree tells him, "From this moment on, you are forbidden from entering any of our friends' homes." She swears to return all the stolen items herself.

Susan clashes with Jesse, the art teacher she's assisting, and fears the worst when a student lets on that Susan is being evaluated this week -- and that the last assistant to argue with the art teacher is long gone. To get on Jesse's good side, Susan invites her over for dinner, but after a few random comments, like a gripe about being "through with men," Jesse interprets the occasion as a date. Susan realizes there's been a huge misunderstanding when Jesse kisses her goodbye.

Susan confesses the kiss to her friends over poker. Gabrielle isn't satisfied with Susan's vague description of the kiss and demonstrates a quick peck and a longer smooch on Susan, asking which one Jesse laid on her. Susan thinks it was the longer one and Lee says, "Congratulations. You're now dating a lesbian."

Lynette hears that Carlos is hiring a director of marketing and asks Gabrielle to put in a good word for her, but Gabrielle says Carlos is under too much pressure to be taking a "big risk" right now. Gabrielle reconsiders, however, when Carlos tells her that his big new hire, the one they're expecting to dinner any minute, is his ex-girlfriend, Lucy. When a much-heavier woman than Gabrielle was expecting arrives, however, she gives Carlos her blessing.

Gabrielle assumes that Lucy put on a lot of weight over the years, but Carlos tells her, "No, she looks about the same," and Gabrielle realizes she has cause to be jealous after all. She asks if they're still looking for a marketing director. "I have a friend that I would love to see working with you two."

Bree goes about secretly returning all the stolen items and everything goes as smooth as silk, until she returns an item belonging to Mrs. McCluskey to the Solises. Gabrielle orders Juanita to confess having stolen it or else she'll cancel her birthday party. Bree thinks Gabrielle is being overly harsh, until Juanita suggests that maybe Bree is the thief. Bree catches Orson stealing a mug from Bob and Lee and drags him to a psychiatrist. The doctor suggests couple's counseling. "He's the sick one, fix him," Bree says and walks out. "Do you know why she's so angry?" Orson tells the shrink. "Because this is something she can't control. And I love it."

Lynette realizes she's the oldest applicant for a job and takes offense when her interviewer asks how old she is. He explains that they've just taken on a client that makes an anti-wrinkle cream and Lynette, who's only 43, blurts out, "I'm 54." She gets the job, but is devastated that her new boss didn't even give her a "courtesy gasp" about how young she looks. Gabrielle tells Lynette to "un-accept" the other job as Carlos has agreed to hire her. Lynette says she'd only consider if it they match her salary and Gabrielle doesn't blink, even though the figure Lynette names is $20,000 more than the job she's just agreed to.

Susan tells Jesse that she's "not into women," but her boss isn't convinced. Jesse finds a way to make her point during class via the childrens' drawings. Susan praises a picture of a gazelle, but says that she "loves" rhinos. Jesse asks if she doesn't really prefer gazelles to "sweaty" rhinos. Susan is forced to admit that the reason she asked Jesse over was to get a good evaluation. Susan apologizes for leading her on and points out that for all their differences, they're both alone and says she'd still like to be Jesse's friend.

Dave is all geared up to go camping, but Mike informs him that Katherine can't make it. Dave tells her he's "very disappointed" that she's not going. He says that the trip was primarily a way to get to know her better. Telling her that she's given Mike "inner peace," he says, "I just think it would be cool to become buddies with the woman who did that for my friend." Katherine is flattered and agrees to go. She asks if Dave really thinks she's made such a huge difference in Mike's life and Dave says, "Oh, definitely. If he ever lost you, it would destroy him."

Lynette suggests to Carlos and Lucy that they plan an event in St. Bart's, and is surprised when they reminisce about a romantic trip they took there. Lynette realizes why Gabrielle was so keen on her getting the job, especially when Gabrielle is waiting on her front porch to hear all about her first day. "You only helped me get this job because you needed a spy," Lynette says and Gabrielle points out that Lynette's just as guilty for lying about the salary at the other job. Lynette agrees to keep spying in exchange for the higher salary and the two shake on it.

As Dave's packing for his trip, Edie asks him, "How do you feel about kids?" She says she's always wanted a girl. Dave tells her about a "friend," who had a little girl who meant everything to him. "Unfortunately she was in an accident and died. He told me that when it happened, part of him died too. No, I don't think I'd want a child," he says. "It's just not worth it."

At Edie's request, a newspaper archivist has been looking for more articles about "David Dash," but he waits until the next morning to fax her an article that reads "Fairview Man Won't Be Charged in Accident That Killed Two," one that features a photograph of Mike. Edie won't learn of the article until after Mike, Katherine and Dave have already set off on their trip.

Veteran character actress Gloria LeRoy is joining Desperate Housewives as a neighborhood fixture -- presumably a longtime one -- who we'll first meet next month, right around the time Nicollette Sheridan takes her last breath as Edie.

But a Housewives insider insists the 77-year-old thesp, who's probably best known for her scene-stealing work as Mildred "Boom-Boom" Turner on All in the Family, is not replacing Sheridan. Rather, my Wisterian mole teases, her character, Rose, "will figure into Edie's exit in a surprising way" — one that involves an increasingly cuckoo Orson, a violent act, and a touch of dementia. And not necessarily in that order.

In other Housewives casting news, Sarah Knowlton (Medium, House) has been tapped to play a woman who may or may not be having an affair with Tom.

Edie' Death

Once Dave gets home, Edie confronts him with the evidence. "Did you move us here to hurt Mike Delfino?" she asks, and he basically comes clean.

Yes, Edie is defiant, reaching for the phone to warn Mike. Dave tries to choke her, but she escapes, charging out of the house and taking off in her car. Orson dashes out in front of her and removes his jaunty ski mask. Edie swerves to miss him and collides with an electrical pole. Though she's only slightly injured, as she stumbles from the car, she steps into a puddle and is electrocuted. "Life is full of nasty shocks," Mary Alice snarks.

Teri Hatcher has dismissed ongoing reports she and Nicollette Sheridan never got along on the set of Desperate Housewives - by insisting the actress should land an Emmy nomination for her final episode on the show.

Sheridan recently filmed her finale, in which her character Edie Britt appears to die in a bizarre car crash, and Hatcher is adamant she will be missed.

Scoffing at any suggestion Sheridan was unpopular on the set, Hatcher says, "I feel really grateful to have had the opportunity to work with her... She deserves all the honour and respect in the world.

"Her final performance was a fabulously written episode. She should get nominated for an Emmy."

The episode will air in America on 19 April.

Lily Tomlin returns to help her sis, Mrs. McCluskey, solve the Crazy Dave mystery once and for all. They better hurry up, 'cause Edie's widower is going to take Susan on an impromptu fishing trip.

Actor Gale Harold has returned to the set of Desperate Housewives for the first time since a serious motorcycle accident left him fighting for his life last year.

The star spent almost two weeks in intensive care at Los Angeles County-USC Medical Center following the crash in October.

The 39 year old fractured his shoulder and suffered swelling on the brain.

Harold is now out of hospital and has returned to the show, reprising his role as Teri Hatcher's boyfriend Jackson.

His co-star Neal McDonough tells TV Guide magazine, “It’s taken him such a long time to get back to being almost normal. And there are still many problems that he goes through.”

But Harold has downplayed his injuries: "Obviously I was hurt. But you get better."

It's the two-hour season finale! Susan asks if Mike loves Katherine! Lynette thinks she has cancer again! "You want to take in a teenager?" Gaby asks Carlos! "You'd send your wife to prison?" Bree asks Orson. His reply: "You bet!" Dave says on videotape: "I didn't want to kill M.J. Delfino; I had to." !!!

Part 1:

ON DAVE'S TRAIL

The idiot police are finally catching on to Dave. They've certainly had plenty of time! They track down Jackson in immigration jail and ask him if he knows Dr. Heller, whose body was found in the nightclub's storage room. He doesn't, but he lets it slip that he saw Dave coming out of the storage room right before he was locked inside the men's room.

Roberta Simmons (Lily Tomlin), Karen McCluskey's sister, gets a call from Dr. Heller's secretary, who tells her that the good doctor is dead, and that he died in a nightclub fire in Fairview. Roberta and Karen put the pieces together, but without proof, there's little they can do. So... they're on the case!

DAVE

"I didn't want to kill M.J. Delfino; I had to," says Dave to a videocamera. It's clear that he's recording this in advance, but hearing his plan out loud is kind of chilling. He's interrupted by none other than M.J. himself, who has popped over to show Dave his new tackle box. But since Jackson has just been deported, Susan's not in much of a mood to go fishing this weekend. Dave tries to force the issue, but Susan is all: Bug off, Yellow Satan!

Meanwhile, the idiot police head to Boston to tell Dr. Heller's secretary that he's dead. But she tells them that she has been receiving texts from him, some after the date of the nightclub fire. The police finally have a bright idea and send a bogus text message to Dr. Heller's phone to see if they can smoke out the killer.

It's at this point that the ghost of Dr. Heller shows up to tell Dave that the cops are on to him, "Whatever plan you had; they went to hell when you killed me," he says. He also helpfully tells him that the police can trace the cell phone, which Dave promptly smashes. The ghosts of Lila and Paige Dash are also there to encourage Dave to get on with it already (I'm with you, Dashes!) "Who cares if you're caught? We miss you, Dave. We should be together," Lila says. And then — surprise! — the ghost of Edie stops by to tell Dave to sack up and start making Mike and Susan suffer. Even her ghost is a ball-buster!

Dave labels his videotape of doom and gives it to Mike. He tells him it's a band rehearsal and that he shouldn't watch it until he gets back from his honeymoon. (Wait, seriously? That's his plan?) And off Dave, Susan and M.J. go. Mike, dope that he is, chucks the videotape in a drawer.

SUSAN, JACKSON, MIKE and KATHERINE

Jackson calls Susan from immigration jail to tell her that he's getting deported. He also says he thinks it was Mike who dropped a dime on him.

Susan goes to talk to Mike to find out if this is true, and Katherine confesses her deception with the text message. Katherine tells Susan that Mike proposed, and that she was worried that he might reconsider if he knew that Susan's marriage was one of convenience. "I can make him happy, Susan. He just needs to get over you. Please don't ruin this," she pleads, and I reflect momentarily on how much Katherine has changed. I miss the old, feisty Katherine who went toe to toe with Bree and would eat someone like Susan for lunch. This Katherine is for sure pitiful, so Susan doesn't blow her cover.

That doesn't mean that Susan is above sticking her nose in Mike and Katherine's business anyway. She asks Mike if he really loves Katherine. He says he does, and that's all Susan needs to hear. She wishes the couple well. Katherine and Mike getting married in Vegas this weekend, while Susan and M.J. are suddenly going fishing with Dave again!

LYNETTE and TOM

Preston wants to go to Europe instead of college, which sounds like a good idea to Tom, who is still all midlife-crisis-y. Lynette wants Tom to help her convince Preston to go to college. So Tom takes him on a tour of the campus. But Lynette's plan backfires, as when the pair returns from the school, Preston is still going to Europe, but Tom has decided to go back to college to study Chinese.

Bree tells Lynette that if she really thinks that Tom will eventually change his mind, then she should only express support for his Rodney Dangerfield-inspired plan. If she objects to it, he'll only dig in his heels. There's a phone call from the university telling Tom that the date of the entrance exam has been changed to the next morning. Lynette conveniently forgets to tell him about the switch, and instead takes him out to a Mexican restaurant and gets him sloshed on tequila. He gets the message when they get home, when he's already three sheets to the wind.

"I found a new level of suck that I never knew I had inside me," a hungover Tom says when he returns from the exam, at which he thinks he spelled him surname wrong and puked in the parking lot. Dejected, Tom tells Lynette that he wanted to learn Chinese because China is an emerging market and he thinks it would make him a more desirable job candidate. He's right, of course, and Lynette feels kind of lousy about her treachery. "I'm sorry I let you down," Tom says.

GABY and CARLOS

"Your father's side of the family is trash — any questions?" Gaby tells Juanita. They're heading to Carlos' aunt Connie's house for a family reunion, so Gaby is trying to figure out which fancy jewelry will make Connie the most jealous. As usual, great example, Gaby! At the party, Connie tells the family that she may only have a few months to live, and thus needs someone to take care of her beautiful granddaughter, Ana, whose dad walked out and whose mom is in jail. Though Gaby is dead-set against the idea, Carlos convinces her that they should share their good fortune — especially considering that Aunt Connie took in Carlos and his mother when he was a kid, saving them from the streets.

Carlos calls his Aunt Connie and says they're willing to take in Ana. When Connie puts down the phone, another relative asks Connie if she's going to tell Gaby and Carlos the truth about Ana. "They'll find out soon enough," she says.

BREE, ORSON and KARL

Bree and Karl sort through her valuables in the storage unit, and Orson catches them. Bree returns home to find that Orson has surreptitiously removed everything from storage and put it all back in the house. The jig is up, and Orson wants to know why Bree went to such lengths. She tells him she wants a divorce, and that she's sick of lying; he can have whatever he'd like. "All I want is out," she says.

Not so fast though! Since Bree rented the storage unit in her own name, and since Orson filed an insurance claim in both their names, technically Bree has committed insurance fraud — a fact of which Orson is well aware. So it's time for some good old-fashioned blackmail! "You would actually send your wife to prison?" Bree asks. "My wife, no. My ex-wife, sure." Orson replies, and this storyline has taken a somewhat more interesting turn.


"If It's Only in Your Head"

THREE YEARS EARLIER

We see David Dash at home with his wife Lila and daughter Paige. Dave has to work, so Lila and Paige go out for ice cream without them, and that's when they die in a car crash with Susan and Mike Delfino. This is all information we already have. What's the point in showing this again? I guess we're supposed to realize that Dave was a good guy, just a victim of his circumstances, but, you know, let's just get on with it, writers!

MIKE and KATHERINE

The happy fiancées are leaving for Vegas to get married. Mike says that Dave gave off a weird vibe when he, Susan and M.J. left for the lake. Katherine tells him he's being paranoid and convinces him not to call. She also takes Dave's videotape with them, purportedly to record over to document their wedding.

But Mike does call Susan from the airport because he lurves her, and everything's fine. Katherine is kind of pissed that Mike called her, and asks him for, like, the 1,000th time if he's still hung up on Susan — which, let's face it, if you're asking that question on your wedding day, it's not a good sign. "You were in a crappy mood until you talked to your ex-wife," she notes, forgetting the obvious that M.J. is his child, and worrying about his welfare isn't exactly unreasonable. But they quickly get over it, and Katherine is off to buy them cappuccinos while they wait for their flight to board.

She also accidentally starts the video when she reaches in her purse. Mike hears Dave's voice — and his murderous message — and takes off, asking a woman nearby to tell Katherine that there was an emergency and that he had to go. So when Katherine returns, Mike is gone, and that helpful lady says only that Mike said that he had to go and that he's sorry, which of course makes it look like he has abandoned her. Poor Katherine, and poor Dana Delany — she got the shaft this season.

GABY and ANA

Ana (guest star Maiara Walsh, who is definitely shedding her Disney Channel roots with this role) arrives, and as you'd expect, she's kind of a tramp. Gaby lays down the law: Ana has to do her own laundry, sweep the front porch and clean the guest bathroom. Curfew is 10 on weekdays, 11 on weekends. But what's this? Anna has Versace and Vera Wang dresses that were given to her by her college-aged boyfriends -- plural. "They give you designer clothes and you give them..." Gaby asks. "...The pleasure of my company," Ana, clearly a pro, responds. OK, let's review. Isn't this, like, a huge red flag? What parent would let that revelation slide? While Ana concedes that "she doesn't have to do anything" with the boys to get the clothes, clearly this behavior is suspect — except perhaps to someone like Gaby, for whom Ana appears thus far to be a formidable match.

The next day, Gaby and Carlos head out and leave Ana and the dumplings at home to do their chores. Ana significantly sets her sights on the Scavo boys. This is interesting! When the Solises return, they find all three smitten Scavo boys running around the house, finishing up everyone's chores at Ana's behest. Juanita in particular notices the way Ana manipulates men and asks Ana to teach her how to make boys do stuff for her. "Go to your room, and don't come out until you're 18!" Gaby barks.

Gaby confronts Ana and tells her that her behavior is not the example she wants to set for her girls, which makes the audience laugh heartily. Ana tells Gaby that she's jealous because she isn't young anymore, which surely comes a little too close to the truth. "You make one more statement like that and I am throwing your ass out on the street," Gaby tells her.

When Carlos comes home, Ana fake-cries and tells Carlos that Gaby is going to throw her out. As the strains of ELO's "Evil Woman" start running through my head, I find myself excited at the prospect of seeing how this match-up plays itself out next season.

Part 2:

BREE, ORSON and KARL

Bree tells Karl that Orson knows about her divorce plans, and about Orson's subsequent blackmail plans. "The man put chives in my Parisian salad; he should be in a straitjacket," Bree fumes. Karl tells Bree he'll think of something — and he does!

He hires some goon who beats up Orson and leaves him with this message: Let go. Bree claims to have nothing to do with it, and Orson believes (or pretends to believe) her, so... he'll stay!

Bree confronts Karl about hiring someone to threaten Orson, about how she's sinking "deeper and deeper into your moral cesspool." Karl tells her that she loves every minute of it, and then confesses that he thinks that Bree is the most fascinating woman that he's ever met. This scene slowly enters screwball-comedy territory again, as Bree announces: "Understand this: I detest you," which, like last week when Bree called Karl "repugnant," is a cue for the protagonists to suck face. Only this time they actually do! Though I knew about this plot development weeks ago, it's still exciting, and I can't wait to see where Season 6 takes these two.

LYNETTE and TOM

Lynette is out of breath standing at the mirror, which is TV shorthand for "the cancer is back." At the same time, Tom finds out that he got into college, scoring in the top 5 percent of the exam! Preston helpfully tells his dad that he knows how to say "Take me to a strip club" in Mandarin. Porter says that Tom isn't allowed to talk to him on campus. Parker and Penny both say something useless, and I hope these kids get decent storylines next season.

Lynette heads to the doctor, but the news is "good": Lynette is pregnant! "Are you sure it's not cancer?" she cracks. She tells Tom, who is still on his college high. "You can't — we're old!" Tom protests. But oh yes, she is. But there's more! "Please tell me you're about to recite the Girl Scout oath," Tom asks, when Lynette raises two fingers to indicate that she's having twins... again! Oy!

KAREN and ROBERTA

In an effort to get some solid proof to back up their suspicions, Karen and Roberts use Edie's spare key to break into Dave's house. Karen justifies it by saying that she "only used [the key] when I was out of milk or bread — or cash." Roberta seems more interested in Dave's extensive liquor cabinet and his collection of prescription meds (but who's David Dash? they ask). Just as they're ready to focus on the job at hand, the idiot cops show up and catch them breaking and entering.

At the precinct, Karen warns her sister: "Don't piss him off; you can't take a club to the head like you used to." Though the rumor of a Karen-Roberta spin-off turned out to be totally unfounded, it's not the worst idea in the world, right? I mean, without the ladies, the idiot police might have never connected the dots between Dr. Heller and Jackson and Dave Williams and David Dash and Mike and Susan Delfino. But they finally do, and then it's off to find David Dash before it's too late!

DAVE, SUSAN and M.J.

Meanwhile, Susan, Dave and M.J. are heading up to the lake. Dave tells Susan that he had a little girl who died. Susan says she had no idea and expresses her condolences.

Mike calls Susan and tells her that Dave Williams is actually David Dash, and though Susan sufficiently hides her shock so Dave doesn't know they're on to him, Mike says he's a half-hour from the lake, which, if I were a betting man, I would say isn't Dave's intended destination after all.

Susan slips M.J. a juice box so he'll have to pee and they'll have to stop somewhere, giving them a chance to escape. They do stop, but just by the side of the road in a wooded area. It's a this point that the idiot cops call Dave and tell him that they're on to him, which isn't exactly crack detective work. Why not just track his cell-phone signal and call the local authorities to set up a roadblock? But oh well.

Susan tries to knock him out while he's on the phone, but while she's trying to ferret the keys from his pocket, he comes to. Susan and M.J. run away and Susan tells M.J. to hide, and not come out until she tells him to. Dave pulls a gun on Susan, and tells her to call M.J. She does, but she tells him not to come out. He pistol-whips her, and in short order finds M.J. crouched behind a tombstone in the cemetery that has suddenly materialized by the roadside. "Mommy, wake up, I get to drive the boat," M.J. chirps from Dave's arms.

They get back in the car and Susan puts headphones on M.J. so he can't hear her conversation with Dave, who still has a gun pointed at her. Susan tries to apologize, but it's no use. Dave is on a roll, and, you know, let's not interrupt him this time; it's been long enough.

So, of course, Mike calls, and Dave's plan changes yet again. "How does it feel to know that you can't save the people that you love?" Dave tells Mike. Nevertheless, Mike convinces Dave to swap Mike for Susan and M.J. Or at least that's what he wants Mike to believe. He asks him to meet them on Canterbury Road, which is conveniently the site of Mike and Susan's accident with poor Lila and Paige Dash.

The new plan: Dave is going to re-enact the fateful accident, with Mike in one car and Dave and M.J. in the other. Once there, Dave ties Susan to a pole, so she can watch everyone die. We see Dave take M.J.'s seatbelt off and we fear that we're about to witness something really awful. Dave sees the ghost of Paige sitting in M.J.'s place, but he shakes it off.

Just as Mike is speeding around the corner, Susan gets her hands free and runs into the street to warn him. But it's no use. The two cars collide, and Susan runs toward Dave's car to save M.J. But! He's not in the car; he's toddling down the side of the road. Dave freed him at the last minute. (Huh?) Mike stumbles from the car, basically unharmed. The trio is reunited, and Mike and Susan kiss.

Dave sits motionless behind the wheel. The camera moves into close-up on one of his eyes and he flashes back to the same moment when he told his wife and daughter to go out for ice cream, only this time he tells them not to go, and offers to make them s'mores instead. "I always have time for my girls," he says, and when the camera pulls back out of the eye close-up, we see that Dave has been institutionalized at a mental hospital in Boston.

TWO MONTHS LATER

We're at a wedding, and the Scavos, Solises, Orson, Bree and Karl are all in attendance. It's revealed that Mike is the groom, but the bride's identity is concealed by a giant veil. "For a moment, the groom wondered if he was doing the right thing," Mary Alice's voiceover says. The priest tells Mike he may kiss the bride, and as he reaches for the veil, Season 5 fades to black.

I hope Mike marries Susan again and not Katherine.

I'm glad MJ didnt die.