Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"
1. Sex Drive
A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right is! said the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
2. The Nurse
A nurse walks into a bank preparing to sign a cheque. When she gets to the counter, she reaches in her pocket, pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake she says, "Well that's great ... just great ... Some asshole's got my pen."
Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"
Out Fishing
George and his dad were out fishing one day when George pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches he asked his dad for a light.
"Sure," said his dad. "I think I have a lighter." Then, reaching into his tackle box he pulled out a Bic lighter 10-inches long.
"Jimminy Cricket!" exclaimed George, taking the huge Big lighter in his hands. "Where did you get that monster?" he asked.
"Well," replied his dad, "I got it from my Genie."
"You have a Genie in your tackel box?" asked George.
"Yep, it's right here in my tackle box," said his dad.
"Could I see him?" asked George.
So his dad opened his tackle box and, sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, George says, "I'm the son of your master, will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes, I will," says the Genie.
So George asks for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving George sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks George yells to his dad, "Jumpin' Jimminy! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
"I forgot to tell you that the Genie is hard of hearing," yells back George's dad. "You don't think I really asked for a 10-inch Bic, do you?"
Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of the season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven on this holy day."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a holy candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates. "Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells"
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
"What do these symbolize?" Saint Peter asked.
The man replied, "They're Carol's"
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Postman Joke
It was George the Postmans last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same village. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, bacon, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a fiver sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said: "Screw him. Give him a fiver."
The breakfast was my idea..."
Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got into his car and crossed her legs, causing her habit to reveal a bit of leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand, but, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the rectory, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of this story If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"
At The Bar
Ted was drinking in a bar when the guy sitting beside him fell off his stool.
Ted helped him back up, but soon he fell off again.
"How about if I take you home, buddy?" asked Ted.
The drunk agreed.
On the way to the car, he fell twice more.
When Ted got him home, the poor man fell again just walking up the sidewalk.
Ted rang the bell and a woman answered the door.
Ted said, "Ma'am, your husband was too drunk to come home on his own, so I drove him."
She looked puzzled. "Where's his wheelchair?"
Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"
Tricks
A few years back, in a small Texas town, the local madam also operated the local telephone service.
When the police finally arrested her, they found her book of "talent." Each police officer was then assigned to investigate some "girls" from her book.
After a week, the Chief summoned each cop to report his findings.
"Detective Smith, what did you learn about the hookers on your list?"
"Chief, I'm sorry, but I need to disqualify myself," said Smith. "One of the women I interviewed is eighty-four years old and so charming that I have fallen in love with her."
"Dammit, boy!" shouted the Chief. "I'm surprised at you. You've been a cop for 25 years and here you go, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"
Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"
A Hankerin'
The old prospector walked his old mule into a western town after six months alone in the desert without a drop of whiskey. He stopped at the first saloon he came to and tied his mule to the hitching rail.
As he stood there brushing off the dust, a gunslinger came out of the saloon with his gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. He looked at the old man and laughed. "Hey, old man! Have you ever danced?"
The prospector said, "Nope. Never had no hankerin' to."
The gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the man's feet.
Everybody laughed as the poor old prospector hopped around the street.
When the gunslinger's weapon was empty, he holstered it, and headed back into the saloon.
The prospector grabbed his shotgun from the mule's pack and cocked both hammers. Everyone heard the loud click, including the gunslinger and the street got real quiet, real fast.
The gunslinger slowly turned around and found himself staring straight down the shotgun's barrels.
The prospector quietly asked him, "So, young man! Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and then said, "Nope. But I always had a hankerin' to!"
Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"
Mature Couple
An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later, she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the covers and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"
Aussie Humour - A Touching Tale
A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Parramatta, New South Wales courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
Eighty percent held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the Minister.
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" implored the Minister.
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and, in a clear, strong voice, said: "I outlived the bitches."
Possibly The Best Blonde Joke Ever!
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for
some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused,
explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry', says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any!'
'But I always buy it here,' says the blonde
'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the
pharmacist.
'YES', said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.' She
returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist
who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant'
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container.........
.....(Wait for it).....
..
..
'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'
Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"
Technology Breakthrough
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
