Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

Ever mindful of the congregation, the Baptist preacher and his wife
>>decided
>>to get a new dog, and knew that the dog also had to be a Baptist.
They
>>visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they
>>found
>>a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.
The
>>owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.
>>
>>"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf,
>>scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the
owner.
>>
>>"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded.
>>
>>The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous
dexterity
>>with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage,
pointed
>>to
>>it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and
>>purchased the dog.
>>
>>That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and
>>his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible
>>verses. The visitors were very impressed.
>>
>>One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"
>>
>>"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at
the
>>dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded.
>>
>>The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's
>>forehead and began to howl.
>>
>>The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Oh, my good Lord!
He's
>>Pentecostal! !!"

PMSL Jodi I think I will share that one with my minister

Sleeping beauty

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one
day.Sleeping
Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the
world."Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the
world."Quasimodo
said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."So
they
all
decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
claims
verified.Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking
deliriously
happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the
world."Tom
Thumb
went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest
person
in
the world."Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly
confused
and
says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?

A married couple was lying in bed together.


Suddenly she felt his hand on her shoulder.


She murmured gently, "Ahh... nice."


His hand moved to her breast.


She grew more excited, "Sweetie, that's wonderful."


His hand moved to her leg.


She moaned, "Honey, don't stop!"


But then he stopped.


"Why did you stop?"


He responded with a click, "Because I found the remote!"

Darwin Awards



As always, competition this year has been keen.

The candidates this year are...

Eighth Place :
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place :
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place:
Buxton , NC : A man died on a beach when an 8-foo t-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been
sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge , VA , but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place:
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc , CA , as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place:
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville , Del , as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place:
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington , DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His t arget was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To ent er the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also drew and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No o ne else was hurt in the exchange of fire.

HONORABLE MENTION:
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite
and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:
TACOMA , WA . Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham 's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER:
Overzealous zoo keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffoc ated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that just proves..."**** happens" !!!

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades
while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator
shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices
the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out
and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"
he shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't
you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an
alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the
same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in
hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator
swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim,
shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto
its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,
"Oh poo poo THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

Ole the Norwegian Cowboy



Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was Lost and low on food, .No other humans had been seen for days and then the pioneers saw an old Norwegian, named Ole, sitting beneath a tree.

"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell, I tink so," Ole said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere"

The leader goes back and tells his people what Ole had said.

"So why did he say not to go there?", a person asked.

Anther pioneer said, "Oh, you know those Norwegian people - they lie just for a joke."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to Ole.

Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."

Ole holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute. "

He quickly picks up an English-Norwegian dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oof-da, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree,

(Are you ready?)


(Okay, don't say I didn't warn you)



"It vuz a ham bush."

The seven dwarfs were on hoilday in Rome and decided to visit the vatican city to see the pope. At there meeting with the Pope all the dwarfs gathered round Dopey saying "ask him dopey ask him" Dopey asked the pope

"excuse me father are there nuns in antartica" The pope answered yes my son I believe that there may be nuns in Antartica. Again the dwarfs gathered round dopey saying " ask him dopey ask him" again dopey approached the pope.

"excuse me father but is there black nuns in antartica" The pope answered yes my son I do belive that there could be black nuns in antartica. Once again the dwarfs gathered round dopey whispering " ask him dopey, ask him"

Dopey aproached the pope once more " excuse me father can you tell me if there are midget black nuns in Antartica" The pope answered no my son there is no black midget nuns in Antartica.

Dopey turned around to look at the remaining six dwarfs who were singing "Dopey S**G a pengiun, Dopey S**G a penguin.

I am going to hijack Alan's thread too.. Love this joke

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back,
went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...

And before he could say "****," the rottweiler ate him!"

That dwarf one was hilarious, thanks