Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

You mean to tell us you have been knicking other peoples jokes all this time. Shockarooney Alan :rotfl:

Two English men in a pub

One of them farts very loudly and the other one says, "Sir, you just passed wind before my wife!"
The other one says, "Sorry, old bean -- I didn't realize it was her turn!"



A drunk got on the bus. He reeled down the aisle and flopped down by a very prim lady. She said, "You know you're headed straight for hell?"
With a start the drunk screamed, "Oh my Gawd ... I'm on the wrong bus!"



A guy is real drunk and gets home real late. Trying to avoid the little woman, he parks a block away from his home. He takes off his shoes as he walks up the stairs, careful not to make a noise. He quietly opens the door and tiptoes into the room, when BAM, he gets hit by a frying pan.

Telling the story to a friend the next day at the local watering hole, his best friend sadly shakes his head and says, "Boy are you ignert!! Now here's how I do it. When I get rip roaring drunk, I go borrow my bud's low rider Harley and go screamin up and down my block a couple of times a hootin and a hollerin. I take the Harley right up on the porch and then start screamin and a cussin. I slam open the door and scream, 'I'm the man of the house and I want some sex right now' !!"
And you know what's amazin' ... my wife's always asleep."




Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, she quickly went to it, opened the door and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, started to cuddle him a little and rubbing his body sexily. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. Why don't we head upstairs to bed now and play around for awhile? Wouldn't that be nice?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

An extraordinarily handsome Scotsman decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman.


Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.


"They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place," said the farmer. "Look 'em over and pick the one you want."


The Scotsman dated the first daughter.


The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.


"Well," said the Scotsman, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."


The farmer nodded and suggested the Scotsman date one of his other daughters; so the Scotsman went out with the second daughter.


The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.


"Well," the Scotsman replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."


The farmer nodded and suggested he date his third daughter to see if things might be better.


So the Scotsman did.


The next morning the Scotsman rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry."


So they were wed right away.


Months later the baby was born. When the Scotsman visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen


considering the beauty of the parents.


"Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Home and the assembly room was packed because none other than The Amazing Claude, the world's greatest hypnotist, was heading the evening's entertainment. The lights dimmed, the spotlight lit the stage as The Amazing Claude came out.


"I'm here to put you into a trance," said the Amazing Claude. "I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."


The excitement was almost electric as The Amazing Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations," said The Amazing Claude, and then began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."


The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.


"****!" said The Amazing Claude ...


... It took three days to clean up the Old Folks Home

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Mary, who was looking Maintenance He said to Paddy, "I have decided to give your wife £400 a month for support."
"Well, dat's fine, Judge," said Paddy. "And once in a while I'll try to chip in a few quid, meself."


****
Mary and Mick got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Dublin when Ole put his hand onMary's knee.
Giggling, Mary said, "Mick, you can go a little farther now if you want to."
So Mick drove to Cork.


Two Irish hunters from Mayo got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreck Paddy says to Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yaaah I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Man working in bakery was conforted by his boss concering that he had been using his false teeth to mark the pies.

"why don't you use your tool" the boss asked
"Oh I use that for the doughnuts" the worker says.

Jack was at the golf club for his weekly round of golf and what a round it was: he began with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on two. On three, he scored his first hole-in-one.


Then his mobile rang. It was his doctor, who said, "Your wife has been in a terrible accident and is in critical condition in the Intensive Care Unit."


"I'll be there as soon as possible!" said Jack ...but as he hung up, he realized this might just the best round of golf of his life. "Maybe just a couple more holes wouldn't hurt," he thought.


By the time he finished the eighteenth hole, he had shattered the club record with a 61! Although jubilant, he also felt guilty about ignoring his wife. He dashed into the hospital and found the doctor in the corridor.


"Doc! I got here as fast as I could. How is she?"


The doctor glared at him. "You *******! You finished your round of golf, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out there enjoying yourself, Annie has languished in the ICU! For the rest of her life, she's going to require fulltime medical care ....from you!"


Jack felt so guilty that he broke down in tears.


The doctor snickered. "Nah, just kidding! She died two hours ago. How'd you play?"

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.


They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.


The Queen turns to President Bush saying, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."


Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news." Says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great." said the surgeon

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors"

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side affects."

"Well just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection I also get a headache!"

A lady walks into a high class Jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price"