Brilliant :D
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Brilliant :D
*For a couple of months, Kat and Alfie are happy as happy can be*
KAT: There's no customers, fancy a break?
ALFIE: There's loads of customers-
KAT: I said: Fancy. A. Break?
ALFIE: .... *to customers* Gotta go! *they race upstairs*
THE CUSTOMERS WAITING TO BE SERVED: Hello? Hello? What's with all the random sexing with these two? Do they never stop? Oy.
*But then, Something Happens.*
LITTLE MO: I was raped...
KAT: Again?
CHARLIE: ME HULK!
LITTLE MO: No, Dad, that's a really bad idea-
CHARLIE: HULK SMASH!
*Later*
GRAHAM: ...Okay, I'm totally gonna sue the a$s off you now.
KAT: GAAAAAH!
GRAHAM: Or else your dad will be in prison for longer, and you wouldn't want that, not with his weak heart, would you? Eh?
KAT: I am going to kill you.
GRAHAM: Say what?
KAT: ...Ten grand, coming right up.
*They manage to raise 2 grand, but not enough, woe*
KAT: Alfie, why is there an extra grand in here?
ALFIE: Um... I put it there.
KAT: Awwwwww! *Random sexing ensues*
ALFIE: Yay!
*So now they have 3 grand, but still not enough. Poo.*
KAT: Andy, since you're such a nice gangster dude and all, will you help us?
ANDY: No problemo.
KAT: ....Really?
ANDY: Yeah, sure, just as long as you sleep with me.
KAT: Okay, fine- WAIT A MINUTE! *slappity slaps him, whoooo*
ANDY: You're such a slapper, man.
KAT: QUIET OR I STAB YOU.
ANDY: But it's quite a good deal, really. You should be amazed that I actually think you're worth £7000.
KAT: STABNATION!
ANDY: Okay okay I'll shut up.
KAT: *gives him the hand, leaves*
ANDY: ...
KAT: *comes back* Oh, wait, this is my house.
lol, fab more soon please :cheer:
*Alfie mysteriously manages to get £7000 from somewhere...*
KAT: OMG I love you! *snogs dramatically*
ANDY: *rubs hands together gleefully* Little does she know that I will soon get my revenge... I could squash him like an ant, but that's too easy... no, I'll bide my time until - oh, hell, I'll just squash him like an ant.
ANDY: And the ant-squashery begins.... now. Alfie, your next payment's due in tomorrow, plzkthanx.
ALFIE: But I can't get that kind of money in-
ANDY: Buh-buh. Shhhh.
ALFIE: Bu-
ANDY: Shhh.
ALFIE: You-
ANDY: Shhh!
ALFIE: I can't-
ANDY: Shhh!
ALFIE: *cries*
ANDY: Hee hee. Alfie n'aime pas!
ANDY: Sooooo, Kat. How the tables have turned. Now I'm gonna keel your husband, and the only way you can stop it is to sleep with me! Mwahahahahaaa!
KAT: ...Yeah, I got it the first time.
ANDY: Hmm, yeah. So, will you do it?
KAT: *slappity slaps him*
ANDY: .... I really wish she'd stop doing that.
ANDY: *has a Baseball Bat Of Doom And Pain And Hurty, oh noes* Tee hee.
KAT: You really need to work on that evil gangster laugh, man.
ANDY: Whatever. Anyway, with this bat, I thee wed - I mean, we'll start on the more... vulnerable areas first. *sinisterly*
ALFIE: *crosses his legs, which is a remarkable achievement, considering he's standing up*
KAT: YOU NO HURT ALFIE. ALFIE MIIIIIINE.
ANDY: Well, you can have until 5pm tomorrow. Hear that, Kat? 5pm. be there. *blows her a kiss*
ALFIE: *moaning* Nooo, not the vulnerable areas...
KAT: Don't worry... he won't touch your - *pauses* Oh, man, mental image.
---------
I'm sorry for resorting to borrowing from the Simpsons and Austin Powers :( I'm all funnied out:rolleyes:
:rotfl: it's fab - more soon pwease! :cheer:
*Kat wakes up the next day*
KAT: Alfie?
*Note the mysterious lack of Alfie about the place.*
KAT: Bah. I fancied a morning go at it, too... OMG Andy! I forgot!
*She finds a note from Alfie saying 'Trust me'.*
KAT: That's it? He had enough time to write an enigmatic message, but not enough to say where he'd gone?
THE SCRIPTWRITERS: *look away, whistling*
KAT: Who keeps making that noise? Nana?
*Kat eventually goes round to Andy's house anyway, possibly to slap him. Again. I hope so.*
ANDY: Kat. Sit yourself down. I was going to beat your husband to a bloody pulp, but hey. Maybe I won't.
KAT: Oh, you think you're such a kewl gangster, don't you?
ANDY: ... Why, yes.
KAT: Well, you're not! I've seen The Untouchables! Al Capone was at a dinner party, talking and laughing to his men while he walked round this table, and then out of nowhere he just whacked this guy over the head with a baseball bat! I mean, dude! At the dinner table!
ANDY: .... I'm glad to see you watch historically educational movies.
KAT: The guy was totally pwned! And no-one else even said a word! And then-
ANDY: Yeah, yeah. I'm cooler.
KAT: You totally aren't.
ANDY: Am too.
KAT: Am not.
ANDY: Am too. Now sexing, please.
KAT: *slappity sl-*
ANDY: *GRABS HER HAND, oh noes!* Yeah, I got bored of that quickly.
KAT: *glares*
-----------
more in a min, gotta go
*They do the deed, nooooooooo*
KAT: Okay, so this is over now, yeah? The debt's off?
ANDY: *smirking* Of course.
*THE GODS OF IRONY make a sudden comeback...*
*Alfie bursts in!*
ALFIE: I got your money just in time!
KAT: OMG! *hides behind door*
ANDY: Er... good. Yes.
ALFIE: I am in time, right?
ANDY: Um... sure. Kind of.
KAT: *is retching behind the door*
ANDY: Jeez, it wasn't that bad, was it...?
ALFIE: Yay Kat I paid him back! We're okay!
KAT: Oh. Good.
ALFIE: YAY!
KAT: *sniffle*
ALFIE: *snogs Kat's face off, conveniently in front of Andy's window*
ANDY: *seethes*
no more slappity-slaps :( but fab script, can't wait for the next part! :cheer:
Thursday 1st December EE episode
MO: Alfie's not on his stall again. He must be having it off with a new woman.
KAT: *bottom lip trembles*
MO: ... Oh, sorry, I forgot that might be a painful subject. Coffee?
SONIA and MARTIN: La di da, everything is fine, nothing could be better, whoopie doo.
NAOMI: SHUT UP.
KAT: *sees ALFIE in the Vic chatting to a woman* BAH!
*ALFIE leaves, and another man kisses the woman*
KAT: Bloody hell, it's like a conveyor belt.
*She marches up to the woman*
KAT: OMG you're such a sl*t and DON'T HURT ALFIE HE MINE!
DOCTOR: ... I didn't catch any of that.
KAT: He might just be a quickie to you, but to me - *sobs* - HE'S MY SQUISHY!
DOCTOR: ....
KAT: If I hear any word of tables becoming involved then I. Will. Kill. You. So badly.
DOCTOR: What?
KAT: Tables are kind of our thing, ya know?
DOCTOR: Er... I'm Nana Moon's doctor?
KAT'S EXPRESSION: *totally rules.*
MO: Dennis and Sharon must be deeeeead!
PAULINE: Yeah!
*So they burst into their flat, and catch DENNIS... er.... doing DIY. (Think about what the letters stand for... there you go.) Yes. Ewww.*
MO: Was he doing what I thought he was doing?!
DENNIS: *is a naughty boy. But oh so hawt.*
SHARON: *giggles madly*
DENNIS: *cries*
KAT: Why didn't you tell me?
ALFIE: I couldn't.
KAT: I thought you and her were doing it. And that made me sad.
ALFIE: No... there's no one else for me only you of course not. *he gets all upset*
KAT: *heart melts* Awww, c'mere.
*She lets him lean his head on her shoulder. It must be hard because he's taller than her. He'll end up with a bad back. Oh dear. Why am I typing this? It's complete nonsense. Yay, a Kalfie hug.*
ALFIE: *sniffle* She's gonna die...
KAT: Awww, baby, I'll be there for you... with or without clothes...
ALFIE: Thank you... *sadly*
*A few minutes later*
KAT: Alfie, I appreciate you're upset, but if you look down my top one more time, you're getting a kick in the nuts.
ALFIE: Sorry.
*That didn't happen. But it should have.*
MARTIN: *finally puts two and two together* OMG you're having an affair!
SONIA: Ummmm....
MARTIN: Don't deny it!
SONIA: It was just a kiss! .....Oops.
NAOMI: *facepalm*
:rotfl: that was fab! please do some more comedy soon :thumbsup:
Haha,lol,that was really good,more soon please!!
i know i've said it before, but this is great :p
Friday 2nd December EE episode
ALFIE: Don't worry Nana, I'm sure we'll get to meet the Queen.
NANA: ... You're more deluded than I thought.
ALFIE: What was that?
NANA: Ooh dearie me, etc., etc., etc. You happy?
ALFIE: Awww, Nana's so old and feeble.
NANA: STFU.
NAOMI: Martin's about as interesting as a bowl of porridge.
THE AUDIENCE: *chortle* It's funny 'cause it's true.
SONIA: HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT?! *stomps away*
JULEY: Come on...
RUBY: No!
JULEY: Why not?
RUBY: ... Because doing it in a grotty pub toilet isn't really one of my life aims?
JULEY: You're weird.
NANA: Kat, I'm going to see the Queen, apparently.
KAT: ....
*Nana wanders out*
KAT: What the hell?
ALFIE: *wibbles* I wanted to make her happy...
KAT: Are you completely insane? ...Stupid question.
ALFIE: I can't help it... The sight of you made me all silly and excited -
KAT: Dude, ew.
NANA: Kat, Alfie's such a plonker.
KAT: Yeah, what's with that?
NANA: He thinks he's taking me to see the Queen. But I know he won't.
KAT: Old lady cunning yay! Nana, you're a devious old lady.
NANA: Why, thank you.
*But then they go to Madame Tussauds, and I've been there, yay!*
NANA: Yay! Alfie you're wonderful!
ALFIE: Oh it wasn't me, it was Kat. She's the wonderful one *worships her*
KAT: Stop undressing me with your eyes.
ALFIE: Sorry.
KAT: Well, I'm glad you got rid of that stubble, anyway. It was starting to breathe for itself.
NANA: Who's for drawing a moustache on the Queen?
KAT: Me!
ALFIE: Me!
KAT'S RANDOM FRIEND, WHO WE HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE: So, I'm gonna say something now that explains how you managed to get Madame Tussauds to yourself.
KAT: Okay! That should wrap it up nicely.
They should really have gone in that mega-scary part with all the serial killer people who are dressed like ancient mummies and jump out at you from the dark and breathe on you and I should never have let my mum take me in there, we were hanging onto each other in terror like ARGH *hyperventilates* But they didn't. Woe.
I would have done more about the Naomi/Sonia/Martin thang, but I prefer Kalfie, as you may have noticed. :D
lmao, fab script and i sorta did guess you liked kalfie :p please do some more soon! :cheer:
and i love your glow by the way :D and how come you didn't mention alfie's rather interesting shirt? :p
I was so shocked by it, my brain forced me to forget about it, otherwise I would have been traumatised for life :D Aha...Quote:
Originally Posted by feelingyellow
lmao, i wish i could forget it ... i might have nightmares forever :pQuote:
Originally Posted by crazy_purple
Back to the Kalfie thing... yay...
ANDY: Alfie, I've got a video here you may find... interesting. *wink wink*
ALFIE: Ooh!
ANDY: Here, I think you'll enjoy it...
ALFIE: Whooo! *takes the video*
ANDY: Tee hee. my evil plan is in motion!
*I can't quite decide why Alfie decided to accept a video from his worst enemy, who only a week ago was threatening to smoosh him into little pieces. You'd think he'd at least be a tiny bit suspicious. I conclude that he is either: Very stupid, or very pervy. Ew.*
ALFIE: *settles down to watch his video - which, may I add, is the original Tape of Doom and Exposition?* Hmm, that looks strangely like my wife and my worst enemy... Hey, why's she leaning there? Does he have something in his eye? Well, she always was very kind to people in need - hey! She's kissing him! OMG! Oh, maybe they're practising for a play.
*A few minutes later*
ALFIE: Now they've obviously tripped and fallen into bed together. Oh dear. She's so clumsy - WAIT A SECOND! *mouth falls open* SHE'S ONLY 'SPOSED TO DO THAT TO ME! *cries*
----
more tomorrow :)
lmao that was fab :rotfl: can't wait for the next part :cheer:
Fab, more soon please:)
*Kat comes in*
KAT: *sees the kind of video her husband is watching, oh dear* Alfie! I never realised you were the sort!
ALFIE: *cries*
THE AUDIENCE: *just want to hug him, awww*
KAT: *notices his expression* Blimey, cheer up. You never get this emotional when we're- *looks at the video more closely...* .... Oh, f**k.
ALFIE: EXACTLY! *storms off*
KAT: *stares at the TV* Does it really look like that?
KAT: You don't understand! He tricked me!
ALFIE: Oh, did he dress up as me and put a mask on or something?
KAT: No! It was an accident!
ALFIE: What, did he trip you up and your legs just happened to o-
KAT: *cries* Noooo....
ALFIE: Kat, those are the worst excuses ever! You're nothing but a drunken sl*t who can't keep her knickers on!
KAT: *slappity slaps him, yay - no, wait, not yay, not yay at all!*
ALFIE: *whacks her one straight back*
THE AUDIENCE: Gasp!
KAT: OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY HIT ME!
ALFIE: ....But you hit me first...
KAT: BOYS AREN'T 'SPOSED TO HIT GIRRRRLS!
ALFIE: You're such a hypocrite!
KAT: Yeah? Well, you're MEAN!
KAT: He blackmailed me - he was gonna kill you unless I slept with him and I kept slapping him but he didn't quite get the message and then-
ALFIE: Wait, what?
KAT: He would have killed you! And i couldn't have let him do that because I love you and without you, there'd never be any adorable Kalfie babies! There wouldn't even be a Kalfie! There'd just be a Kat, and she's no good at all! *cries*
ALFIE: *eyeroll* There, there. It's alright. I- no! What am I doing! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!
KAT: YOU'D BE DEAD IF IT WASN'T FOR ME! I DID YOU A FAVOUR!
ALFIE: I'M SURE YOU DID!
KAT; CAN WE STOP IT WITH THE CAPITAL LETTERS NOW?
ALFIE: *grudgingly* Oh, alright then.
KAT: I gave myself up for you, Alfie. I gave myself to that w***er, just to save your sorry skin.
ALFIE: *mumbles angrily*
KAT: What?
ALFIE: He touched you, he shouldn't have touched you, you're MINE! ALL MINE!
KAT: ... Ooookay.
ALFIE: *blinks* I.. didn't just say that out loud, did I?
KAT: ...Nope.
ALFIE: Okay - but I can't believe you'd do a thing like that! You should have talked to me first!
KAT: Oh, I'm sure you would have agreed to it, wouldn't you?
ALFIE: There was nothing to agree with!
KAT: But you'd be dead right now if I hadn't-
ALFIE: I don't care! I'd rather die than let you get abused like that!
KAT: *misting up* Awwwwwwwwww, sweetheart...
ALFIE: Hmph.
KAT: ... You're not gonna leave me, are you?
ALFIE: Sigh. No... The world's nothing without Kalfie.
KAT: Yay!
*They hug*
:rotfl: that was and sooooooooo sweet! :wub: kalfie babies! :cheer: please do more sooon!
Fab. Please do more asap:).
*Kat and Alfie go to visit their new arch-enemy, in a strange Batman and Robin kind of way*
BATMAN ALFIE: You forced my wife to sleep with you! You wh**e!
ANDY: ... If by 'forced', you mean 'gave her £7000', then, yeah, but-
BATMAN ALFIE: Well, the camera angles were rubbish!
ROBIN KAT: And so were you!
ANDY: Gasp! *eyes fill with tears* I didn't come here to be insulted! *goes to leave*
BATMAN AND ROBIN: ....
ANDY: No, wait, this is my house.
THE AUDIENCE: *shaking fist* You already used that joke once! No fair! I'll get you for this! I'll get you-
BATM- NO, JUST ALFIE: She loves me not you.
ANDY: Oh really? *strokes Kat's cheek in an eww gesture of ewwness*
ALFIE: MINE NOT YOURS!
ANDY: *to Kat* That's a nice ickle bruise you got there, darlin'.
ALFIE: STFU I would never hurt her UNLKE YOU.
*They square up to each other, BATMAN and THE JOKER - or is it THE PENGUIN? I don't know. I never saw it. What the hell am I on about, anyhoo?*
KAT: Ooh, I can practically smell the testosterone in the room.
ANDY: No, that's just my perfume-
ALFIE: ...
ANDY: I meant 'aftershave'. That's what I meant. Yes.
KAT: Look, you two, you're never gonna get anywhere by fighting, so why don't we all-
*BATMAN AND THE JOKER/PENGUIN/STFU suddenly turn into a cloud of dust, with occasional fists popping out, and comical 'argh!'s and 'ow!'s.*
KAT: ... Who says we're on a low budget?
:rotfl: fab! more soon please :D
Fab:). Please do more asap.
Tuesday 6th December EE
Normally this would contain words like "crazified" etc., but it isn't because that's not very nice. :nono:
STACEY: *rocks soooo much and it totally makes up for her being a chav and all*
MO: I think I'll interrupt here and disrupt this fragile situation, just when you've started to kind of get your mum back to normal! It's not like this could possibly make her worse or anything, although I already know she hates my guts! Yay!
STACEY: .... Geeeet oooout!
MO: Hmph.
STACEY'S MUM: *reminds me oddly of Gollum/Smeagol/Andy Serkis dude.*
FRANK: Sooo, Janine's a murderer! OMG I can't wait to see her she'll have changed so much!
*We do not actually see Janine.*
FRANK: Did she marry anyone?
PAT: Yeah, Barry. But he died on their honeymoon.
FRANK: Oh noes! She must be devastated!
PAT: OH, THE IRONY.
CHRISSIE: I want every damn fool in Walford to appear as witnesses because they'll make Den seem eeeeevil and baaaad, and then I might get off! Mwahahahahahaaaa!
LAWYER: Yeah, whatever.
CHRISSIE: And I want Sharon! AND HER LITTLE DOG, TOO!
LAWYER: ... I don't think she has a dog.
CHRISSIE: Did I ask you?
FRANK: Let's go back to my place.
THE AUDIENCE: Let's not.
FRANK: Please stay with me!
THE AUDIENCE: PLEASE DON'T.
*Pat eventually give's into Frank's... I was going to say "animal charm" but just typing that makes me feel all icky.*
Fortunately, we are spared the horrors of Frank and Pat getting it on (you realise I'm gonna have to wash my hands after typing this?). There is a God.
lol, fab! please do more soon! :cheer:
Lol, More soon please:).
Lol, thats great.
Lol, thats great, more asap :D
I HAVE A FUNNY FRIEND YAY.
...I have you too :)
....Yay. :D Wait... you only just noticed? I'm insulted :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Elect-Death_13
Thursday 8th December EE
FRANK: *points at the bed*
PAT: *points at the bed*
FRANK: Hmm.
PAT: You don't regret it, do you? You know... what we did? Last night? In that there bed?
FRANK: Of course not it was brill! And amazing! And wrinkly! Yay!
THE AUDIENCE: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT UP.
JAKE: *wakes up next to SOME GIRL* ...Oops.
*He runs outside, and through some strange miracle he looks exactly the same as he did yesterday... his clothes aren't creased or anything...*
STACEY: *looks after her mum*
THE AUDIENCE: Awwwwwwww! Huggle!
CHRISSIE: Who stole my clothes?
EVERYBODY: *looks away, whistling*
*A chavtastic scene ensues.*
ABBY: Your mum's craaaazy.
STACEY: *gives her the hand, looks away* Woteva.
ABBY: Y R U :( ?
STACEY: You're smoking! That's bad for your baybee!
ABBY: WOTEVA.
STACEY: You should take more care of it!
ABBY: Why? I got a well good flat, 32nd floor, just need rats clearin' out an' it'll be well blingin'. In other news: YOUR MUM CRAZEE!
STACEY: You sket!
ABBY: Who you callin' a sket, you... sket?
*I must be behind with the chav times, I have no idea what that word means.*
STACEY: Why don't you LIKE ME?
ABBY: Aw, Stace. Don't make me actually show some real emotion here.
JAKE: *goes back to SOME GIRL's house*
SOME GIRL: Ooh, back for thirds?
THE AUDIENCE: Mmm, Jake thirds.... *winks - Yes I did say "WINKS". You dirty-minded people.*
JAKE: Nah, I forgot my mobile.
SOME GIRL: Hmph! you don't even know my name!
*Jake finds his phone*
SOME GIRL: It's Fearne! My name is Fearne!
JAKE: B*tch, please. No-one cares.
PAT: Get away from me! I am horrified by your gravelly voice! *jumps in a cab*
FRANK: *jumps in a cab* FOLLOW THAT CAR! ...Man, I always wanted to say that.
CHRISSIE: *cries*
WHATS-HER-NAME: Um... *pats her on the back*
CHRISSIE: BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH!
WHATS-HER-NAME: Argh! You crazeee!
CHRISSIE: Crazy in love, yes! *starts dancing* ....No, wait. I'M SOOOORRY!
*collapses on the bed*
WHATS-HER-NAME: My kid will remember this forever! She'll be traumatized by this cut on my face!
CHRISSIE: More than she'll be traumatized by you missing most of her life languishing in prison?
WHATS-HER-NAME: SHUT UP.
Brill:)
fantastic 10 star rating definantly
brillant! lol! more soon please
:lol: fab, more soon please :D
I so did not cry at this episode, why do you ask?
PAT: *wanders somewhere with a random woman whom we may or may not have seen before, ever.*
FRANK: *hovers nonchalantly near them*
PAT: What, are you stalking me now?
FRANK: Change your story?
PAT: No!
RANDOM WOMAN: *bottom lip wibbles* My poor Laura...
PAT: I'M CHANGING MY STORY.
THE LAWYER GUY: *looks cheesed off. I don't blame him.*
PAT: I was confuzzled by all the freakiness that was going down, yo.
THE LAWYER GUY: Whatever. I just want you to make your damn mind up.
JEAN: *ventures outside for the first time in months, yay*
EVIL CHAVS: *the bike-riding of DOOOOOM! So very very menacing!*
ME: Go on, whack 'em round the head with a roll of Christmas wrapping paper or something! Not that I ever did that, of course... Or kick their bike and make them fall off! I am truly evil. Yay. Apparently I'm someone's evil idol. Mwahahahaha....
JAKE: I love you.
CHRISSIE: If you love me, never see me again.
JAKE: What the hell kind of sense does that make?
CHRISSIE: I'm gone. *leaves*
JAKE: Well.
*Stacey goes into a pub and tells everybody off.*
STACEY: I hope you all rot! IN YOUR OWN FILTH! *leaves, slams door*
A LITTLE OLD LADY: *quavering voice* I only came in to use the ladies'...
A silhouette of someone appears....
THE PRISONERS: Argh! Run! it's Chrissie's hair!
CHRISSIE'S HAIR: *advances menacingly*
STACEY: *breaks down and cries after her mum's tried to kill herself*
BIG MO: Hihi.
STACEY: ARGH!
*later, back in the Square*
STACEY: *unfolds the photo some more* Alright, Sean?
*The photo should now also have a title. I think it will be The Amazing Unfolding Photo Of Mystery! .... Well, it doesn't exactly roll off the tongue..*
ME: Who the hell is Sean? This is turning into Lost with the weird cliffhangers... Yay, Lost! Ooh, that reminds me...
lol this is great
I'll do one of Wednesday's Lost tomorrow :)