Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

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Originally Posted by Siobhan

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Originally Posted by Chloe O'Brien

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Originally Posted by alan45

Awww you are just too kind. :)

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That's favourtism that is. You do know everyone will want their own thread now :rotfl:

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:rotfl::rotfl: I don't think anyone posts as many as Alan does.. and it makes the place look tidy (that is the mother in me coming out)

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You dont fancy coming up and tidying this box room I laughingly call a studdy. Its littered with CDs, DVDs, magazines and all sorts of junk that I should have binned ages ago. Everytime I try to tidy it up I go on the net and thats it. Mrs 45 has given me an ultamatim :nono: (4th this week) so I suppose I better mak an effort befrore she gets home:)

Just hijacking alan45's thread:

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

I don't think Alan will mind you hijacking his thread with that one TM

:rotfl: Love it!!!

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Originally Posted by alan45

Technology Breakthrough



Apple Computer announced today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.


This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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classic! I'll be sure to tell that to my female friends tomorrow. :rotfl:

If I get slaps because of it, I'll blame you! :p

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding.

She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for her driver's license.

The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself.
She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says.........

"If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

A sex therapist was having lunch with a friend.


"I just read a survey that said 90% of adults masturbate in the shower; the other 10% sing," said the therapist.



"Really?" asked her friend.


The therapist nodded and asked, "Do you know what song they sing?"


Her friend shook her head, "No."


The therapist replied, "I thought you wouldn't!"

A young guy from The West Country moves to London and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Dorset."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One."

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.

How much was the sale for??"

The kid says ''£101,237.65".

The boss says "£101,237.65?? What the heck did you sell??"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a Medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a New fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Shetland Fishing Boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Range Rover

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a Range Rover?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ''Hey man, your weekend's ruined, you should go fishing.''

How To Be Politically Correct When Speaking About Men



1. He does not have a BEER GUT - he has developed a LIQUID STORAGE FACILITY.


2. He is not a BAD DANCER - he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.


3. He does not GET LOST - he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.


4. He is not BALDING - he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.


5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - he is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.


6. He is not FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - he become ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.


7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - he develops RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.


8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - he has SWINE EMPATHY.


9. He does not CHEAT ON HIS WIFE - he has MATRIMONIAL ALZHEIMERS.


10. He is not a W***ER - He is an OWNER-OPERATOR.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to
take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," said the game warden as he quickly left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.