Funny Quotes

The fire bell started ringing at school:

Boy: Sir is this a real one because I really need a wee!

:lol:

Me and my mates were PMing on Facebook.. and my mate was using her mobile..

Instead of saying "I could give her a lift if she wants" she wrote "I could give her a kiev if she wants".

It made me burst into fits of laughter. My mum was looking at me like I was high or something ha.

Predictive text is so funny :rotfl:.

girls night out to see "circus of horrors".........

discussion on what time it starts....

me...starts at seven thirty
daft mate: .....no....says ten past eight on the ticket....
my sister....ummmmmmmmmmmm thats the year (2010)

actually it was the best bit of the night...the show was rubbish

actually i have loads of these....



my friend went to his families house for xmas and they had smelly stuff burning...

friend...." ewwwwwww you are burning that insest...."

...................

I got a funny text tonight:

Im under the moose in the aspen ski lodge. Xx

:lol:

A guy I vaguely know from Freshers week. I'm guessing he's very drunk considering its Carnage tonight! Its Oceana he's talking about in the text. I'm presuming he texted my number by mistake!

In Psychology we were in the computer room doing an essay and most of the class were talking about the holidays that they are going to go on when we finish A Levels. The teacher heard and wasn't so impressed...

Teacher: Can you lot actually do some work now or the only thing you'll be saying is do you want fries with that! :lol:

This was written on my lecture hall table today:

Hi, I am Asian.
(then an arrow to this) I presume you were looking for some kind of racist response

Kudos to the second guy!

Woman 1: This smell seems to be following us around..
Woman 2: Maybe its the ash! *laughs*

:lol:

A stupid quote one of my work mates made recently:

We were sitting having lunch and she had her mobile phone out and I took mine out because I got a call. After the call she asked to see mine as its a different colour and then she said :

"Your phone is heavier than mine. Is that because it has more text messages in it?"

:rotfl: What a ridiculous thing to say!!

My dad's cousin: Have you put on weight?

I found it funny that she actually came out and said that.

From 101 Ways To Leave a Gameshow:

(Talking about an exit where a contestant is put into a car and sent off of a ramp into the water if they have chosen the wrong answer.)

Steve Jones: Yemi, are you confident behind the wheel?
Yemi: I haven't passed my test yet.
Steve Jones: What?! Oh that's too perfect.
Yemi: How embarrassing...
Steve Jones: Have you practised your emergency stops?
Yemi: I haven't even got that far yet
Steve Jones: Oh my goodness... can we get some learner plates for Yemi please?

On my flatmates' tesco bag: Best used before 0511

Plastic bags have sell by dates now?! :rotfl:

They're biodegradable so unless you want your shopping to fall through the bottom, don't use it after May :p

This went down well earlier...

The lecturer told us we could go and collect our essays after the lecture so the queue was half a mile long. One of my friends walked in, went right up near the front and barged into the queue.

Me: This isn't Thorpe Park, there isn't a queue jump

Me: I can't work the oven...
Mum: The car keys are on the table, go and get a takeaway

:lol:

Junk Caller Clearly Trying To Sell Something: Do you own the house?
Dad: No
Caller: Do you rent the house?
Dad: No
Caller: What are you doing there then?
Dad: Oh I'm just burgling the house
Caller: Have a nice day sir

:rotfl:

My mum asked me to find out for her whether Ringwood was in New Forest or just outside it. I thought I'd ask Siri.

Me: Is Ringwood in New Forest?
Siri: Sorry, I can't make phone calls on this device, Kim.

:lol:

My dad was parked at a golf club when his car was reversed into. He was in the clubhouse and the driver came in to let him know. Shortly afterwards, he received one of the standard junk calls asking if he wanted to claim for compensation.

Dad: What injury would I be claiming for? Falling off the bar stool when she told me? :lol:

Also, when discussing who Trish's (Julie Hesmondhalgh) rapist would be on Broadchurch:

Dad: I reckon Roy Cropper snuck in and did it because he isn't getting any on Corrie!