Well he is obviously a person of good taste, well so far he's left the Scots alone. :cheer:
Printable View
Well he is obviously a person of good taste, well so far he's left the Scots alone. :cheer:
No I haventQuote:
Originally Posted by moonstorm
http://www.soapboards.co.uk/forums/s...308#post695308
Haha, just as well, we don't like being left out!!
Blonde goes to Heaven
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have beenforced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde,'What does the EntranceExam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest toanswer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...
Worse ...
you're now singing it to yourself !
As a blond I knew all those answers
PLEASE DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon.
They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom
removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww what's wrong with your feet?
Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued
undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again
wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked.
"They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing
continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess . Smallcox?
HOT & COLD SEX
After his examination the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'
'Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
Why was the Adobe Acrobat arrested
Because he was a PDF File
Alan your jokes are getting sicker :lol:
How to get to Heaven - in Ireland
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, And loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'No!'.
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
A six year-old boy shouted out 'YUV GOTTAE BE FOCKN'DEAD..........'