eastenders comedy

Quote:

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Originally Posted by crazy_purple

Tuesday 13th December EE

JOHNNY: *sits on Ruby's bed and looks at her teddy bears. This is rather disturbing.*
RANDOM GIRL: *makes a sudden reappearance after weeks of being invisible, and proceeds to snog him to death. I would like to know what she sees in him exactly. Answers on a postcard please.*

ALFIE: *is managing the Vic once more.... YAY!*
PEGGY: Yay!
JIM: Yay!
EVERYBODY: Yay!
*Kat sneaks up behind him and they have a rather flirty conversation, during which Kat pinches Alfie's bum. Several times. She also randomly starts tickling him.*
ALFIE: *hums dreamily to self* Yeah, I'm sure there's absolutely no chemistry between us at all.
KAT: I WANT YOU SO BAD.
ALFIE: Better get back to my bottle-rattling-randomness!
KAT: ... God, why did I marry him? More to the point, wasn't it only a month or two ago that we were both crying and snivelling because I said I couldn't be his wife anymore and -
ALFIE: *bends down to pick something up*
KAT: Ooooh....

RUBY: This is all my fault! I let myself down, I let everyone down-
STACEY: Hey, that reminds me of that joke about the balloon!
RUBY: MY LIFE IS RUINED.
STACEY: Girl, please. Have you listened to me lately?
RUBY: I love Juley!
STACEY: ... Obviously not.

*Johnny and Phil happen to just-about walk into each other.*
JOHNNY: ....
PHIL: ....
JOHNNY: ....
PHIL: ....
JOHNNY: ...
PHIL: ...
DOT: Will you two stop making eyes at each other?

ALFIE: Nana isn't answering her phone oh noes!
PEGGY: Relax! What's the worst that could have happened?
ALFIE: .... OMG SHE'S DEAD!
NANA: Hi, Alfie.
ALFIE: Nobody panic, but my grandmother may be slightly dead!
NANA: ... I'm right here.
ALFIE: Yippee!
*They organise a day out at the races, which is not at all terribly sadly ironic. Ahem - Friday! Sniffle...*
ALFIE: I'm looking forward to spending the day with the most important woman in my life. *gazes fondly at Nana*
KAT: Hmph! *looks disgruntled*
ALFIE: Oh yeah - I forgot about you. Thanks for today, Kat.
KAT: *brave sniffle* That's what mates do, isn't it? Mates. Yes. Mates. I haven't been following you around all day like a little puppy or something. Totally not.
ALFIE: *friendly smile*
KAT: *friendly smile back* OMG he's standing next to me!
ALFIE: Sooo... isn't it lovely, just being mates.
KAT: *facepalm*

JULEY: Ruby's in love with me, it's not fair!
PHIL: *appears menacingly from the shadows with an evil laugh* My evil plan is working! Squee!
*And... that was the corniest ending ever.*

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*Postcard*

Pound signs!

just read it all it is brilliant so funny. :rotfl: oh and by the way chrissie's cell mate is gail lol

NANA'S DEAD *cries*

NANA: Kat - here, I got something for you.
KAT: Ooh, a Christmas card-
NANA: No! Don't open it until after.
KAT: After Christmas?
NANA: ...No.
KAT: After New Year?
NANA: ...No.
KAT: ....
NANA: *eyeroll*
KAT: OMG! No don't die! *cries*
NANA: You... say that like I have a choice.

ALFIE: So Nan, what do you want for Christmas?
NANA: A dancing penguin!
ALFIE: ...Ooookay...
NANA: Things never stay the same, do they Alfie?
ALFIE: *tear*

KAT: *sitting in her kitchen* I really wanna know what's in that envelope.
*Her hand twitches towards it.*
KAT: Nooo! Restrain yourself!
THE KITCHEN TABLE: You know, that's exactly what I was thinking, but you never listen to me, do you?
KAT: ...
THE KITCHEN TABLE: I get nothing but disrespect! And people getting it on on top of me! This was not in my job description! I-
KAT: *leaves*
THE KITCHEN TABLE: *fumes*

ALFIE: You're selfish.
JAKE: Yeah? Well, you're a clown!
*They move closer to each other*
ALFIE: ...
JAKE: ...
I: *am slightly disturbed*
ALFIE: And you can't love! You never loved anybody! Hah!
JAKE: Apart from Chrissie...?
ALFIE: You're stoopid!
JAKE: RAR! *throws Alfie down onto the sofa*
I: *have a warped mind - I half-expected them to start going at it, for some reason. Eurgh. Somebody shoot me.*
KAT: *coming in* OMG Alfie don't hurt my Alfie!
JAKE: What? *swings round, whacks Kat upside the head by accident*
ALFIE: Kat!
KAT: Alfie!
ALFIE: Kat!
KAT: Alfie!
JAKE: ...
NANA: You boys! Apologize!
ALFIE: But-
NANA: Say you're sorry!
JAKE: He started it-
ALFIE: I did not!
NANA: NOW.
ALFIE: *mumbles* Sorry.
JAKE: Sorry.
NANA: YOU DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
ALFIE: Sorry, Jake.
JAKE: Sorry, Alfie.
NANA: THAT'S BETTER.
KAT: Awwwww... this family is so weird.
*She runs outside when she realises that Nana keeps the family together, but poor old Nana is gonna die, nooo.*
KAT: Nooooo! *sobs*

JAKE: You fight like a girl.
ALFIE: I do not!
*He does.*
JAKE: Hehe. What you gonna do, slap me around Walford?
ALFIE: Yeah! Anywhere, matey!
JAKE: ...
ALFIE: ...Well, obviously not slap you around. I'd be punching you in a very manly way. Wouldn't I?
DEAD GANGSTER MAN: *voice echoes* Noooo.... He fights like a girrrrl....
ALFIE: Who said that?

KAT: You can't do all this!
ALFIE: Can too.
KAT: Can not. Look, you gotta act normal.
ALFIE: *panics* HOW?!

*Jake and Alfie make friends again; get drunk together; then curl up on the sofa together; and eventually give in to their desires, forget about Kat and Chrissie and give in to cousinly love. On the sofa. Shut up.*

NANA: Yay you got a dancing snowman! Ooh, presents! *starts towards them*
ALFIE: *restrains her* Nope! Not until Christmas!
THE GODS OF EVIL, EVIL IRONY: Mwahahahahaaa.
NANA: Hmph.
*The batteries on the dancing snowman run out, in a terribly nasty bit of symbolism on the writer's part. Writers, hang your heads in shame, please.*
ALFIE: Oh, let's have a look at this-
NANA: *sigh*
ALFIE: ...Nan?
THE AUDIENCE: *all simultaneously burst into tears*
ALFIE: But we were going to have a good Christmas and everything... You haven't opened your presents...
NANA: *echoing voice* Well whose fault is that, Mr Not Until Christmas?!
ALFIE: *cries*

Fab:D.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Elect-Death_13

NANA'S DEAD *cries*

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Don't tell me you actually cried... :rolleyes: :D

Lost, Wednesday 14th December (channel 4)

We do have a freeview box, but for some reason they hooked it up to the TV downstairs, where my mum and dad don't even watch it. I could make much better use of it in my room :wall:

SOME AMERICAN GUY: Previously on Lost...
I: *am strangely attracted to his voice, although he only ever has the same 3 words every episode*

JACK: OMG Boone!
BOONE: *gargles on his own blood*

*Here begins another lovely, gory episode of Lost. I was surprised that I seem to have got resistant to the horrific blood and guts stuff, when I used to be pathetically squeamish. (I also cured myself of my fear of injections, but that's a whole other story.)*

*On the island od Not Quite So 'Pretty Pretty People', More Like 'Blood-Splattered People'. Yay.*
JACK: I WILL SAVE YOU BOONE!
BOONE: No you won't. *his lung collapses*
JACK: Hah! I can cure that! *seems to stab him in the lung. Pardon me, but... I don't quite see how that will make him better... But then, I'm not a sexy bald doctor. Mmmm, Dr Jack.*
BOONE: *miraculously starts breathing normally again*
JACK: Yay!
BOONE: *eyeroll*
JACK: Kate! Bring me alcohol!
KATE: ...
JACK: I need booze, dammit!
KATE: Okey-dokes. *runs off*

*Kate finds Sawyer and his stash and I forget all about Dr Jack omgsawyer can I have your babies plz? Man, this is like virtual adultery. Yay.*
KATE: Sawyer! I need all your alcohol! NOW!
SAWYER: *doesn't even look surprised* Sure.

*In the forest*
KATE: Run run run. I like running. Hmmm... what was that thing? About running with a backpack full of glass? That's easily smashable?
A MEAN, MEAN TREE BRANCH: That you shouldn't do it. Heh.
KATE: Damn it.
*But her falling-over-ness wasn't entirely useless, because she finds Claire. Who is, incidentally, in labour.*
KATE: OMG you're having a baby!
CLAIRE: You never noticed until now?!
KATE: What do I do what do I do what do I do!
CLAIRE: ... Okay. Relax.
KATE: I CAN'T!
CLAIRE: Breathe! In, out, in, out- hey, wait a minute, I'm the one in la-
KATE: HEEEEEEELP UUUUSSSSSS!
CLAIRE: ...I think my eardrums just burst.

*Unfortunately, the only person who hears them is the only person on the island who doesn't speak English.*
JIN: *runs up to them*
CLAIRE: Hey, how did you know we wanted help if you don't-
KATE: No time! Go get Jack!
JIN: ...Jack. *perks up* Jack. Doctor.
*Am I the only one who went "awwww Jin's learning English yay!" and just wanted to hug him then? Or am I just a sl*t for all the men on Lost? Who don't actually exist in real life? Um...*
KATE: *is not quite so amazed* Yeah, doctor! Get him!
JIN: *thinks* I'm not Lassie, you know.

JACK: He needs blood!
CHARLIE: I have blood!
JACK: A-negative?
CHARLIE: Nope.
JACK: YOU SUCK!
CHARLIE: *whimpers*
JACK: Oh wait, I'll match!
CHARLIE: Couldn't you have said that before?
JACK: No.
CHARLIE: But-
JACK: Shut up.
CHARLIE: Yessir. *mumbles under this breath* I'm the only Brit on this damn island and I'm also Dominic Monaghan! All shall love me and worship me and I'm a hobbit squee!
JACK: What?
CHARLIE: Nuthin'.

JACK: Okay Sun, listen up. A vein is like a wet noodle.
SUN: ...I'm beginning to wish I hadn't learnt English.
JACK: I've got to find something thin and sharp enough to pierce a noodle with.
CHARLIE: Mmm, noodles.
JACK: ...
CHARLIE: *cries*
ME: Don't worry Charlie, I love you... and Sawyer... and-
*Sun stops this train of thought before it gets too disturbing and finds Jack a weird plant thing.*
JACK: Ooh yay. *immediately does a blood transfusion*
BOONE: Why won't you just let me die already?!

*Just then, Jin appears and tries to tell them what's up. Sun has to translate and there's a Jin+Sun moment yay! ... Man, this is worse than EastEnders.*

CHARLIE: Kate, you gotta deliver this baby.
KATE: I can't!
CHARLIE: Somebody has to!
KATE: Why can't you?!
CHARLIE: Because... um... well, me and Jin are gonna go sit over here, in a manly, old-fashioned way.
KATE: GAH!
CLAIRE: *is scared* Have you noticed it's all the Americans who are crazified?
CHARLIE: Shhh, Claire. I love you.
KATE: Right. Claire. Don't be scared. It's not like I'm a fugitive on the run from the law or anything.
CLAIRE: ...

BOONE: *is more or less deaded*
JACK: I'LL SAVE YOU!
SUN: I'm pretty sure he's dead, or nearly dead.
JACK: ...
SUN: I'm sorry, Jack-
JACK: Let's chop his leg off!
SUN: ...Let's not?
JACK: *prepares to do it*
SUN: *facepalm*
BOONE: No... don't.... *is less dead than previously suspected*
JACK: I thought you were dead!
BOONE: Nah. Tell Shannon this - it's very important - tell her - tell her - *flops over dramatically*
JACK: Er... okay.

*Elsewhere, Claire has the baby and it is soooo cute awwww yay! Ahem. Now I've got that off my chest - SAWYER!!!*

Yesh I cried STFU =(

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Elect-Death_13

Yesh I cried STFU =(

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Hahaha.. Actually so did I :D only a tiny bit on Friday, but I watched the omnibus just now and I was crying buckets :o Though that might have been because my dad was cleaning the bathroom and the fumes were drifting into my room so I was kind of choking anyway. Never mind. Nobody cares :p

Excellent! :cheer: more soon please!!