Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a
most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a
leash.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man
couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog. 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this
with so many of you walking in single file..

Whose funeral is it?'

The man replied, 'Well, the first hearse is for my wife'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied ' My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered 'My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Join the queue.

The ladies will love this

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks
into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he
squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into
his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he
roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you
idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke
everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy
Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.'

'It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who
went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and
croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.'

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray,
gave them their food, and refilled their water.'

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm
only going to say this once....'

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE ********NG PORRIDGE YET!!"

:lol: I love it.

Quote:

---

sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence,

---

Love this line :D That's me in the morning.

I'm a Mama Bear at work. If I'm busy and haven't filled the kettles for the lecturers coming for their tea they moan I yelled hang on until I find that brush with the big pointed handle so I can shove it up my ass and sweep the floor while I'm at it. :lol:

haha love it! :D

THE TAXMAN COMETH
>
> At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
> the books of a Synagogue.
>
>
> While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I
> notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
> drippings?'
>
>
> 'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to
> the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
> candles.'
>
>
> 'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
> question had a practical answer.
>
>
> But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
>
> 'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the
> crumbs?'
>
> 'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
> trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them
> back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free
> box of bread-wafers.'
>
> 'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
> the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with
> all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
>
> 'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi....... ........
>
> 'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office,
> and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

Ha ha, that one made me laugh out loud :lol:

haha that was funny! :D

In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and
The Royal Commission for Political Correctness,
it was announced today that the local climate in the
most of the UK should no longer be referred to as
'English Weather'.

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the population,
it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather'.

In other words - partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

Good one :lol: