lol that was good! :D
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lol that was good! :D
An elderly man in North Carolina
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A
blonde walks by and asked what they were doing.
Paddy: 'We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole,but we don't
have a ladder.'
The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid
the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket,took a few
measurements and announced that it was eighteen feetand six inches. She
then walked off.
Mick said: 'Now, to be sure, isn't that just like a blonde! We need the
height and she gives us the length.'
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In to a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.!
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender..
' Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'
That little ****, O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?'
'That I did,' said Paddy.
'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'
**
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over
the road.
A cop pulls him over.
'So,' says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,'
slurs the drunk.
Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk.
'For a minute there, I thought i'd gone deaf.'
***
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks.
'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.'
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry'
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned.'
'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'
===
And the Best For Last...
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention,
but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin',
there's no paper on this side either!'
:eek: The last joke :lol:
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy crap! That must be my husband!"
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"
The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"
:rotfl: very funny! :rotfl:
A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
During the break, she notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You OK?" she asks.
"Yes," he says.
"You can go and play with the other kids, you know," she says.
"It's best I stay here," he says.
"Why?" asks the blonde.
And the boys says: "Because I'm the f*cking goalie!"
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He said.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'I found the remote'.
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: