my favourites :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: especially the first one, gonna be my new motto "NO PAIN.. GOOD"Quote:
Originally Posted by Perdita
Printable View
my favourites :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: especially the first one, gonna be my new motto "NO PAIN.. GOOD"Quote:
Originally Posted by Perdita
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. . .
She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said; 'Fluctuations.'
To which the Asian lady says,
'An fluc you white people too!''
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an ' exotic ' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says:
' SEX FROGS '
Only $20 each!
Comes with ' complete ' instructions.
The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody ' s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, ' I ' ll TAKE one! '
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, ' Just follow the instructions! '
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3.. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, ' If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store. '
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, ' I ' ll be right over. '
Within minutes the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, ' See, I ' ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there! '
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says,
'LISTEN TO ME!
I ' m only going to show you how to do this
ONE .... MORE .. TIME!!! '
I am not eating in there :nono: :lol:
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's how the fight started.....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started.....
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap "That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked went out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that's how the fight started.....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for £14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for £7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's how the fight started.....
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect..'
And that's how the fight started.....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend..
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's how the fight started.....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started....
For a minute I was thinking you were talking about your own relationship :rotfl:
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I
notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part.... :
'Only when he's pissed.'
Childish joke heard it at work. You're gonna laugh.
What do the donkey's at Blackpool get for their dinner?
An Hour. :rotfl:
:lol: Yep, made me laugh :D
:lol: me too. here's mine. it don't make sense but i laughed for 10 mins straight after hearing it;
Why did the boy fall off his bike??
because someone threw a fridge at him!!
:lol:
:D