:rotfl: Good one!
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:rotfl: Good one!
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
Yep! I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird .'
'Oh yeah?' the man asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'
The man looks at the £200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!'
The man offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the man.
'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy says incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'
Then the frantic man screams, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'
'Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!
:lol:! I was wondering where that was gonna go!
haha! i really didnt see that coming at all!
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honour of this holy season," said St. Peter, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," said St. Peter.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
St. Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
"These are Carols," the man replied.
Awww I remember that joke :lol:
An Australian golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into
The woods.
Looking for his ball, he discovered a little Leprechaun
Flat on his back, with a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart
And poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the
Golfer said.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get
Three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answered in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise." And he walked away.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun said to himself. "I have to do something for him.I'll give him the three things I would want... A great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year went by, and the golfer came back. On the
Same hole, he again hit a bad drive into the woods
And the Leprechaun was there waiting for him.
"T'was me that made ye hit the ball here" , the little guy said. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer replied. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He then added, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer answered. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's your sex life?"
The golfer blushed, and turned his head away in
Embarrassment, and said shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looked around then
Whispered, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?" responded the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," said the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
:lol: Nice one, Alan. :D
lol thats good! :D
On a Train
>
> A man and a woman who had never met before, but were
> both married to other people, found themselves assigned
> to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
>
> Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing
> a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.
> He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
>
> At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the
> woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would
> you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a
> second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
>
> "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight,
> let's pretend that we're married."
>
> "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
>
> "Good," she replied. "Get your own *******ing blanket."
>
> After a moment of silence, he farted.