Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

Four people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.


It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.


The old lady thinks, "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him".


The pretty young blonde thinks, "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him".


The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."


The Englishman thinks, "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twit again."

1. The Errand



McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini. Each time he would carefully remove the olive and put it in a jar.


When the jar was filled with olives and the martinis had been drunk, McQuillan got up to leave.


"S'cuse me, said a customer, who was puzzled by what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"


"Nothin'," said McQuillan. "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"



2. Watching The Brothel



Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.


They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."


A bit later, they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."


Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be dying'."

Cinderella, The Later Years



Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair watching the world go by from her front porch, with an old cat named Bob for companionship.


One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, her fairy godmother appeared.


"Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" asked Cinderella.


"Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I law saw you," replied the Fairy Godmother. "Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"


Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and, after some thoughtful consideration, she said, "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand-to-mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond my comprehension."


Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold, and so did all the furniture inside her home.


"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!".


"It is the least I can do. What do you want for your second wish?", asked the Fairy Godmother.


Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said, "I wish I were young and ful of the beauty and youth I once had."


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.


"You have one more wish," said the Fairy Godmother, "what will it be?"


Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."


Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological makeup that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the like of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.


"Congratulations, Cinderella," said the Fairy Godmother, "enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.


For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing into the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.


The Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rockingchair. He wrapped her in his young, muscular arms and her close. Leaning in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, Bob whispered ... "Bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered."

Looking for Work A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so
advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another,
and have him looking for work in six weeks. '

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that
we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and
have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind.
We took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House
and now half the country is looking for work.

this was posted by an American :D

Compassion



A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the Intensive Care Unit. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice, complimentary, from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then, she remembered her husband.


Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! "For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"


The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed ...


The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?"

I've heard that one before :lol:

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog. One day the dog died and Muldoon went to his parish priest and asked Father "could ya be saying a mass for the lil' creature?" Father Patrick replied "I am afraid not, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are Presbyterians down the lane and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they will do something for the creature."
Muldoon said "I will go right away, Father. Do you think 5,000 euro is enough to donate to them for the service"
Father Patrick exclaimed "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didnt't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.


A young family moved into a house next door to a building site.


One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty site. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.


She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them rough diamonds more or less -- adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.


At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing five pound coins. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.


When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.


The little girl proudly replied: "I worked all last week with a construction crew building a house."


"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"


The little girl replied ... "I will if those useless c*nts at B&Q ever bring us the f *cking plasterboard."

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast
pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you
twenty quid for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad
time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!
My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words,
Larry says "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin.
Itsh snot wha jew think.
I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on
me...he had one too many! and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor.
He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie quid for the
Cleaning bill!
"His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty
quid.
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too

that is brilliant alan :lol::lol: