I've just read the whole thing from start to finish. I can't decide if your a genius or just plain crazy!!! Either way i love it :D
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I've just read the whole thing from start to finish. I can't decide if your a genius or just plain crazy!!! Either way i love it :D
:lol: Brilliant, more soon please :D
*KAT and ANDY snog right underneath the Vic window, conveniently. ALFIE stands and watches them while his heart breaks into a million pieces...
NANA: *coming up behind him* Are you crying, dear?
ALFIE: *jumps* Ah! ... No. I never cry. I'm the very image of manliness. I'M NOT CRYING, OKAY!?
NANA: ... Sometimes I can't believe we share the same genes.
ALFIE: What? You don't wear jeans.
NANA: *facepalm*
*The next day*
ALFIE: Did you have fun with your pathetic gangster last night in the park?
KAT: ... How'd you know we were in the park?
ALFIE: I didn't, I totally wasn't spying on you in a vaguely creepy way. With binoculars.
KAT: Well, he obviously fancies me and he's quite a good kisser and he got me champagne!
ALFIE: *surreptitiously points at all the rows of champagne and posh wine behind him* And I could clearly never give you any of that.
KAT: No, you couldn't!
ALFIE: *bottom lip trembles*
KAT: Ooh guess what! Andy Hunter the ironically named gangster is taking me to Paris!
ALFIE: *jawdrop* But you've only had one date!
KAT: I know! *dances* And Paris is the city of romance and all round getting-it-on-ness. Whoo!
ALFIE: I WANT TO DIE.
*While KAT is in Paris with whats-his-face, SPENCER manages to convince ALFIE to tell KAT he loves her. Not that SPENCER loves her, I mean ALFIE does. You knew that.*
SPENCER: So, just break it to her gently, you know. Buy her some flowers or something and tell her -
ALFIE: - to get her knickers off, pronto?
SPENCER: ... No, ask her to -
ALFIE: - marry me?
SPENCER: Did you just ask me to...
ALFIE: Gotta go buy the rings!
SPENCER: Oy...
*ALFIE plans to propose to KAT when she returns, because clearly there's no middle ground he could take, like asking her to go out on a date with him or something rather less dramatic. Clearly.*
KAT: Hi Alf!
ALFIE: Kat will you mar-
KAT: Look! While I was away, I got engaged!
ALFIE: GODDAMMIT!
KAT: Are you happy for me?
ALFIE: *squeaky voice* Oh, it's wonderful!
Brilliant :D More soon please
:rotfl: that was fab! more soon please! :cheer:
:) Fab more asap please.
ANDY: So Kat, how are you feeling?
KAT: Meh.
ANDY: Open your heart to me, Kat! By which I mean 'legs'.
*The morning of KAT's wedding day*
LITTLE MO: Kat I got you a present - it's a Plot Point!
KAT: OMG it's a necklace and it says "K + A" on it...
*The music: Der der der!*
KAT: Well, that'll be handy later on, won't it? I won't even have to buy a new one for when I jilt Andy and -
*LITTLE MO claps her hand over KAT's mouth, to stop her from revealing the plot*
KAT: Mmmf mmf mmf -
LITTLE MO: *smiling brightly at the camera* Moving on...
ALFIE: *is feeling very sad because a) his nana had to have an operation, b) the love of his life is getting married, and c) to add insult to injury, she's marrying a Pathetic Gangster.* Woe!
NANA: Cheer up. Hey, I could have sworn there was something I was supposed to tell you...
ALFIE: What is it?
NANA: Hmm... "Important things to tell Alfie". I wonder what that could be.
ALFIE: ....
KAT: *walks up the aisle, wearing a white wedding dress. If you're reasonably intelligent, you might have worked out that white symbolises virginity and innocence and all round Let's All Be Nastily Ironic Today by the scriptwriters.*
ANDY: *grins like a shark*
KAT: *thinks* Why on earth did I agree to this? I think there's a lesson to be learned here: do not say 'yes' to everything. It kinda sucks.
NANA: *scratches head* No, it's no use, it's gone right out of my head.
THE CONGREGATION: *sings 'All Things Bright and Beautiful'. They may or may not have ever been to church before in their lives, I don't know.*
NANA: Nope, still nothing.
KAT: *thinks* I wish Alfie were here. In the congregation. Of course. Or preferably, standing right next to me saying 'I do' instead of this buffoon.
ANDY: *smiles at her*
KAT: *smiles back at him sweetly*
NANA: Oh yes! I remember!
ALFIE: What's up?
NANA: Kat totally came in here last night when she thought I was asleep and started crying and said she loves you and wished she was marrying you instead!
ALFIE: ....
NANA: Tch. Mind like a sieve.
ALFIE: O.... M.... G....
NANA: Did you bring any grapes?
THE VICAR: *starts the service*
KAT: *thinks* Oh God, if only someone would burst in right now and rescue me.
ALFIE: Gotta run!
*He commandeers IAN's chip van and drives to the church, but some guy in a car is blocking the road*
ALFIE: *practically strangling the unfortunate man* GET - OUT - THE - FR*CKIN' - ROAD!
UNFORTUNATE MAN: *moves his car, and is traumatised by the sudden onslaught of brightly coloured shirt that attacked him*
VICAR: .... To have and to hold?
ANDY: *leering* Indeed.
KAT: Ewwwww.
ALFIE: Lemme in!
HENCHMEN: Nope! *beat him up, awww*
*IAN distracts the HENCHMEN while ALFIE sneaks into the church*
*ALFIE bursts in*
ALFIE: Nooooo! KAT!
KAT: Well, you took your sweet time getting here.
ANDY: Kat, will you kindly explain what this buffoon is doing here?
KAT: ... In a minute. First I wanna talk to him. ALONE.
ANDY: *shakes fist* You'll pay for this! You'll all pay!
:rotfl: fab! next part soon please!
*In the vestry*
KAT: I can't believe you interrupted my wedding! I hate you!
ALFIE: No you don't you love me! Ha!
KAT: Don't.
ALFIE: Do.
KAT: Don't.
ALFIE: Do.
*This goes on for quite a while.*
KAT: Oh alright, I love you, but you do my head in!
ALFIE: Yay!
KAT: What the hell are you doing here?
ALFIE: I couldn't let you marry him. I love you and I want to marry you and I want you to have my babies and I want -
KAT: OMG! *melts* I want that too!
ALFIE: YAY!
KAT: But there is the question of, you know, my wedding, which is supposed to be happening right now?
ALFIE: Ah. Um... how'd you like to really p*ss him off?
KAT: I would like that.
ALFIE: Let's run away together and leave him at the altar! Mwahahaha.... *evil laugh*
KAT: Hmmm.... *not convinced*
ALFIE: Kat, he only wants you to hang off his arm and parade around like some kind of dog.
KAT: Gasp!
ALFIE: But I love you for you... I love how everything about you, the way you slurp soup, that face you pull when you eat satsumas, those cute ickle freckles on your back...
KAT: *whimpers happily*
ALFIE: And how you stomp around when you're in a mood and you pull silly faces, and -
KAT: Alright that's enough! C'mere! *snogs his face off*
ALFIE: Mmmf - Kat! We're in a church! And it's your wedding day! And your husband's a crappy gangster!
KAT: And...?
ALFIE: Can we go home now?
ANDY: *bursting in* Hands off my woman!
ALFIE: She's not your woman, she's mi-
KAT: Ahem!
ALFIE: - she's, um, entirely her own woman.
KAT: That's better.
ANDY: You ain't having her! I KEEL YOU! *attacks him*
KAT: Yay, I'm being fought over! Oh, wait - *grabs ANDY* Don't hurt him!
ANDY: I'll tear him apart!
KAT: No! Hurt me instead! I'd sacrifice myself to save him any day of the week, namely May 14th 2004! *incidentally, my sister's birthday*
ANDY: Eh?
KAT: Never mind.
ANDY: *gives ALFIE an evil look* Well, I'll be watching you.
ALFIE: You'll be watching me? What kind of threat is that? I've nicked your fiance, fair and square.
KAT: Oh, Alfie *snogs* I can't wait to get you home.
ALFIE: THERE IS A GOD.
:rotfl: this is fab, next part soon please 'there is a god' :lol: :cheer: