Just for Alan "The Alan45 Joke Thread"

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.


"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.


"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."


"And what of the third body?" asked the Inspector.


"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."


"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.


"Thought he was having his picture taken."

Aussie Humor



A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an unhabited island.


After being there for awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.


As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.


A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.


When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.


Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear....


"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Punishment in Heaven

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

Little Johnny's father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new mountain bike.


"Where did you get the money for the bike, son? It must have cost $500," he asked.


"I earned it hiking, Dad," replied Little Johnny.


"Come on, John," said his father. "Tell the truth."


"That is the truth, Dad!" Johnny replied. "Every night while you were gone, Mom's boss came come over to work late with Mom. He'd give me a twenty and tell me to 'take a hike'!"

A crusty old man walks into the local church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."


The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"


"Listen up, damn it," said the old man. "I said I want to join this damn church!"


"I'm very sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in THIS church," said the secretary. She then leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation.


The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.


They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"


"There's no damn problem," the old man says. "I just won $200 million in this damn lottery and I want to join this damn churge to get rid of some of this damn money."


"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

At The Roulette Table



A woman, losing at roulette, was down to her last ten dollars so she asked the man beside her for a good number.


"Why don't you play your age?" he suggested.


"That's an idea!" she agreed, and put her money on the table.


When the wheel stopped, she fainted and fell to the floor.


The man looked to the croupier. "Did she win?" he asked.


"No," replied the attendant. "She put ten on number 27 and number 35 came in!"



There's a lesson here, ladies: Never lie about your age to a roulette table. Hehehe!

He Said, She Said



He said: "It's just too hot to wear clothes today. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn naked?"


She said: "Probably that I married you for your money."



He said: "Ever since I first laid eyes on you, I've want to make love to you really badly."


She said: "Well, you've succeeded."



He said: "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give you?"


She said: "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."



He said: "Let's try swapping positions tonight?"


She said: "Fine. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

"7 kinds of sex"

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog barking.


It had been barking for hours and hours.


Suddenly, paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I’ve had enough of this." He goes downstairs.


Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing"


Paddy says, "I’ve put their dog in our yard ... now we'll fookin' see how THEY like it!"