Funny Quotes

[StarsOfCCTV]

Name says it all really, can be from tv, or just what a friends said in passing that's made you laugh and so on :D



Ok I'll start off with:
My friend: "The spleen is an organ?! Really? I thought it was a bone..." :lol:

[Kim]

(Friend who lives 6 miles away in us arranging to go to the fair where she lives. We'd established asking my dad to get me or getting a bus wasn't going to get me home at the time we'd need after the fair.)

Friend: Drive the boat here!
Me: You have to have water to do that...
Friend: Scrape it across the road.. how do you get it into the sea anyway? Throw it over your shoulder? :rotfl: :rotfl:

[StarsOfCCTV]

(Friend who lives 6 miles away in us arranging to go to the fair where she lives. We'd established asking my dad to get me or getting a bus wasn't going to get me home at the time we'd need after the fair.)

Friend: Drive the boat here!
Me: You have to have water to do that...
Friend: Scrape it across the road.. how do you get it into the sea anyway? Throw it over your shoulder? :rotfl: :rotfl:

Friends quotes are the best :lol: :p




There's this funny bit in the free paper I get on the way to college..

It's called NO S**T SHERLOCK :p

Press release from the department of the bleeding obvious
Crucifixion is bad for your health (unhygenic whips and nails can cause infections)

Republic of the Philippines Deparment of Health.

:rotfl: :rotfl:

[Kim]

:rotfl: :rotfl:

(Friend had come out of hospital and asked me to ring her because she was running out of credit.)

Friend: Where's my phone?!
Me: You're on it you nutter!
Friend: ... oh yeah!

(Revising the other day when I got a text through from a different friend who I go to the same school as, so I don't see her in the holiday because there's hardly any busses on non-school days and I'd have to change busses. So we text instead.)

Friend: Hi Kim, I can juggle... just been practicing.
Me: (Out the window to my mum who is raking the gravel because my dad messed it right up trying to get his lorry off of it when he was going to work.) Mum, Fabs can juggle!
Mum: Dad's in trouble? What's he done; got a speeding ticket?!

:rotfl: :rotfl:

[StarsOfCCTV]

Friend: Hi Kim, I can juggle... just been practicing.
Me: (Out the window to my mum who is raking the gravel because my dad messed it right up trying to get his lorry off of it when he was going to work.) Mum, Fabs can juggle!
Mum: Dad's in trouble? What's he done; got a speeding ticket?!

:rotfl: :rotfl:

:rotfl:

[Tannie]

Me and some friends went over to edinburgh on the train and i was wondering what time we would be home at.

Me: When are we getting the bus?
Lucy: You mean the train?
Me: You know what i mean
:lol:

and then getting off the train that night

Kerry: bye train i'll miss you.
me: byee bus i'll miss you too.
Kerry: that's what i ment bus
:lol:

[CrazyLea]

This was when we were talking about Spain.. today actually..

Chris: Don't the Spanish sleep in the afternoon?
Sarah: Yeah.
Me: Oh yeah, fiesta isn't it?
Sarah (while laughing): That's a car!!
Chris: It's siesta!!
Me: :o Oh yeah.. my bad. I meant to say siesta... it came out wrong.

[StarsOfCCTV]

My Philosophy teacher:
Paul: Have you done faith and epistomology with Steven yet?
Class: No...
Paul: *loudly* Damn him to hell!!

:lol:

[StarsOfCCTV]

Late night conversation on the shoutbox...:lol:

Me: You're spelling is going dodgy
CrazyLea: It really is. thats a cross between the drunishness and my fastness :p they dont cazll me speedy gonzalez for nothign lmao

[CrazyLea]

LMAO omg how embarrasing :lol:.

[StarsOfCCTV]

My Philosophy teacher Paul: 'To be honest, Plantinga's facial hair is the least you've got to worry about'

[.:SpIcYsPy:.]

I laughed SOOO much at this! It's the Orange advert with Snoop Dogg..

'WooOooo Housies! (Homies) Homies!'
'Say one to the two to three to the four, mother brother cousin sister uncle orange store!'

YouTube - Orange Goldspot 'Snoop Dogg'

[StarsOfCCTV]

A quote I remembered from a while back:

My mum: Your hair looks nice what have you done with it?
Me: I didn't brush it..

[Perdita]

A quote I remembered from a while back:

My mum: Your hair looks nice what have you done with it?
Me: I didn't brush it..

:lol: :rotfl:

[Kim]

Forgot to post this after it happened.. we were doing timed practise for Islam and had to peer mark. Joe got my book and looked at my answer..)

Joe: I swear Kim's second language is Muslim!

[CrazyLea]

That hair one creased me up Kasple :lol:. Reminds me of this from the other day.. slightly..

(We were sitting outside Mcdons after having a burger)
Me: Bev you got tomato sauce on your chin *sniggers*
Bev: Where? ..
*I point*
.. Oh... er... that's a spot :o

:o How embarrased did I feel haha felt so bad :p

[StarsOfCCTV]

A conversation between me and my sister while we are watching Holby Blue :p
(We were discussing what was going to happen to a women who was being sneaked up on in her flat)
Me: I reckon she'll be stabbed...shot...erm...clawhammered...
Ag: No it'll be some sort of kitchen implement...Knife
Me: Yeah kitchen knife or..Spatula?
*Both start giggling*
Ag: Spoon *makes hitting someone on head with spoon gestures* kettle, sieve, colander..
*hysterical laughter by now :p*

*The women gets a plastic bag over her head*
Me: Oooh we never thought of that.
Ag: No we didn't...I'd be really freaked out if that happened to me
Me: Of course you would it's a plastic bag over your head!

[StarsOfCCTV]

Discussing my History exam..
Me: Trotsky was murdered with an icepick in 1940 in Mexico
My Mum: Was it an accident?
:lol:

[Abigail]

:rotfl: Parents are funny sometimes.

[Chloe O'brien]

I've got a cracker for you, my neice has a rubber chicken on her keyring the one that if you squeeze its belly a ballon comes out of it's bum. Marley loves to play with it and is always trying to get her cousin to give it too her. Anyway last week at the school fair there was a toy rubber chicken that someone had donated. Marley made a grab for it a bought it. Last Saturday night she was on the phone to her cousin.

Marley: Cherie guess what you know that plastic turkey you have on your keyring I got one today at the fair.

Cherie: You mean the Rubber Chicken. (In background here Cherie in fits of hysterics) :rotfl:

[di marco]

(this evening on the beach, we were trying to make a fire and so were ripping up a piece of cloth and decided we should have brought scissors)

friend (pointing to a group of chavs): i bet one of them has a knife!

(then one of my other friends goes over there)

other friend: do any of you have a penknife?
random chav guy: nah caz aint out tonight!

[CrazyLea]

Isn't really a quote.. but OMG how embarrasing today..
Me and 2 mates were sitting at McDonalds... my mate wanted to look at the songs I had on my phone.. and there was a recording on there that I had sung :lol:. Of Maybe from Annie. I was like OMG OMG OMG give me my phone :p but no they listened to it.. just wanted the ground to swallow me up :rotfl:.

You had to be there. It was rather funny.

[StarsOfCCTV]

From the Philosophy conference. I can't remember what the original guy said but it was pretty funny. :p

Anyway..in reply..
Reverend Dr Adrian: You're going to have a crap life :lol:

[CrazyLea]

Keep forgetting about this thread :lol:.

And LMAO at your one charming :lol:.

Mine from today.. mate to me while walking up the stairs in front of her..

Bev: Why do you have such a big ass?
Me: WHAT???
Bev: HAHAHA omg I hadn't finished.. why do you have such a big ass bag?

[StarsOfCCTV]

Bev: Why do you have such a big ass?
Me: WHAT???
Bev: HAHAHA omg I hadn't finished.. why do you have such a big ass bag?
:rotfl: lmfao good one

[Abbie]

Okay you might not find this funny, probably one of those where you had to be there :p
It was ages ago at lunch at college and we sat at a wobbily table. My friend I dunno how knocked her bottle of water on to her and it covered her. I mean she was soaked, her top, her jeans, it was Hillarious.
The she siad : I need to go the the loo...NOW!
I said: Looks like you've already been!

[Kim]

Lmao! :lol:

Last year I was sat at the table with my mates at dinner time, and my friend's friend who was in Year 11 at the time walked in from her school trip and sat down.

Year 11 girl: Fancy a maths debate?

(Me and all but 2 of the people at the table burst out laughing, while the girl that started it informed us that she'd been asking the same question to people while on the trip.) Rebecca started laughing having figured it out, and Fabs was the only one left not laughing.

Fabs: What?!
Rebecca: I'm not explaining it to you...

[Abbie]

:eek: OMG!!!! :rotfl: It took me ages to get that!!!!!

[di marco]

my gran was doing some sort of puzzle in her magazine

gran: whats a sourcerer?
grandad: its a magician
gran: oh ok, it has to have 6 letters though and end in d
me: wizard
gran (thinks about this for a bit): that doesnt end in d!

:rolleyes:

[StarsOfCCTV]

Me and my friend were in McDonalds, discussing how we hadn't been in McDonald's in ages.

Mastrid: Awwww chavs! I haven't seen them in ages either!

[Kim]

(In prom dress shop with both of my parents as my dad had to drive us there.)

Dad: I could buy a house quicker than you can buy a dress!

Slight exaggeration there Dad! :rolleyes:

[CrazyLea]

:rotfl: Kasple That one's good :p.


Last year I was sat at the table with my mates at dinner time, and my friend's friend who was in Year 11 at the time walked in from her school trip and sat down.

Year 11 girl: Fancy a maths debate?

(Me and all but 2 of the people at the table burst out laughing, while the girl that started it informed us that she'd been asking the same question to people while on the trip.) Rebecca started laughing having figured it out, and Fabs was the only one left not laughing.

Fabs: What?!
Rebecca: I'm not explaining it to you...
I don't get it lol..

[StarsOfCCTV]

Rebecca: I'm not explaining it to you...
I don't get it lol..[/QUOTE] I don't either :o

[Kim]

Say it quickly and it sounds like something a bit rude that males do.

[StarsOfCCTV]

Ooooooh I get it now, thanks :p

[Kirsty :]]

Haha I only got that when I read your little tip Kim! Thats funny!! :D

My Nan has a terrible habit of mixing her words up (shes dyslexic)
Anyways she also thinks she's cool.

Nan: Guess where I've been today (thinking she's cool)
Me: Where Nan?
Nan: Blue Parrot :D
Me: What the heck is that?
Nan: The shop where all the mosher kids go and the skaters with all the punky stuff :D
Me:.. You mean Blue Banana?
Nan: That's the one!!

How she managed to confuse banana with a parrot I'll never know!
She has also referred to:

Ben and Jerrys as Tom and Jerrys
A Toy Epic (Lit book) as Toy Story
Waterstones as Goldstones and waterspoons.

I'm sure there's more ahah.. Grandparents eh?

[Kim]

(At the bus stop, talking about me going back to school.)

Aunt: I hope you haven't forgotten all the things for your exams!

:lol: Don't know how she managed that one; why would I have finished in the middle of June if I had exams on the same stuff when I go back?

(On phone this morning, about me going to 6th form.)

Aunt: You have to do MORE exams?!

:lol: Don't see how someone can go to 6th form for 2 years and never sit an exam.

[StarsOfCCTV]

My mum: Is that the cucumber?

She meant the Gherkin :lol: >>> http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t236/sparkle_w/images-1.jpg

[Kirsty :]]

:lol: Thats funny!!

(My Nan commenting on what to do with the stuff dryer wheel)

Nan: Do you think it could do with some UB40???
Me:...WD40 Nan!

[StarsOfCCTV]

Emma: Was Christ religious?
Me:......Wasn't he Jewish....originally?

She actually said was Christ's religious as in my old school. :lol:

[Kim]

On the way to the Young Enterprise tradefair, one of the people in my group decided I fancied a boy from my Business class.

"He demands, you supply; he's got you motivated and you fulfil his person specification!" :lol: :lol:

For anyone who hasn't done Business or Economics, it was basically as many key terms as possible rammed into one sentence. I'm sure there were more too.

[Kim]

In the quiz in Psychology which had some general knowledge in it:

Question: What is a Harvey Wallbanger a type of?
Me: Doctor Who!

:lol:

[Abbie]

Last night we did the whole countdown thing and ran outside watched some firewors and then all of a sudden I was like
Omg! is it ten past already :eek: (really in shock)
So my friend goes: god! this year is going so fast :p

:lol: maybe you had to be there :rotfl:

[Kim]

Me and this other girl in my class always end up having random conversations with the teacher at the end of the lesson. This time it was about the photos on our driving licences and how them being in black and white now makes them look worse than the already bad photo.

Teacher: I'm sure mine's in colour *checks it* oh no it's black and white; it's new, I keep losing my licence.
Other girl: You keep LOSING your licence? How many points have you had?
Teacher: *realises what she's said* I've never had any

She meant she'd misplaced the licence :lol:

[StarsOfCCTV]

I can't remember who he was replying to but -

History teacher: FOFO, F**k off and find out!

:rotfl:

[Perdita]

[QUOTE=StarsOfCCTV;639865]I can't remember who he was replying to but -

History teacher: FOFO, F**k off and find out!

:eek:

[StarsOfCCTV]

He said it in a jokey way. :p

[Abbie]

:rotfl: lol! thats hilarious!
I have a teacher like that

[Kirsty :]]

I don't get it lol

[di marco]

I can't remember who he was replying to but -

History teacher: FOFO, F**k off and find out!

:rotfl:

haha thats great! :D

[Kim]

Doing SWOT analysis in Business:

Teacher: You are customers of the school, we have a duty to satisfy you.
Dave: Can you make me a cup of tea please?

Maybe you had to be there :lol:

[Perdita]

Doing SWOT analysis in Business:

Teacher: You are customers of the school, we have a duty to satisfy you.
Dave: Can you make me a cup of tea please?

Maybe you had to be there :lol:

:lol: No, I think this is/was very funny :rotfl:

[Abbie]

:rotfl: That does sound funny

[Perdita]

What did the teacher say? Amused or not amused?

[Kim]

Amused. She doesn't mind having a laugh with us; she lets us go to the food and drink machines in the common room in her lesson when we're working on the computers as long as we get her a coffee while we're there. She was less amused when someone said that a weakness of the school was our other businesss teacher. The please didn't get him the tea though.

That reminds me, the other week in English the teacher was eating some M&Ms:

Charlie: Can I have a packet?

(She gives him a pack, as she's got one of those assortment multipacks in the cupboard)

Me: (joking) I don't like M&Ms very much, have you got malteasers?

She actually gave me some! :lol:

[Perdita]

Sounds like a lovely teacher, sure were not this accommodating in my time at school :lol:

[Kim]

My dad is so rude! We were talking about me going to stay with his cousin again in April and I asked if he would drive me there, or I have to pay train fares and get his cousin to meet me at a station.

Dad: Oh I suppose I'll have to (grumbling)
Me: I'll drive part of the way if you want
Dad: I actually want to get there within a day!

:lol: Even though it was at my expense!

[Kim]

This boy in my class: Have you met Miss yet? (About the teacher the agency one is covering for)
Agency Teacher: No I haven't
Boy: You don't want to! :lol:

[Abbie]

I dont get it

[Kim]

Our actual teacher might be coming back next week but the agency one is in until half term regardless. If our actual teacher comes back the agency teacher will obviously meet her. The boys think this is rather unfortunate since they don't like the actual teacher.

[Chloe O'brien]

I have a cracker to tell you on what happend at work yesterday. Lee one of the lecturers was on the phone trying to find a place that sold black contorboard a kind of shelving. Anyway he found a supplier and the guy on the phone asked Lee what length he wanted.

Lee: 1.5 meters by 2 and 1/2 feet, which at this point everyone stares at Lee in disbelief.

Lee then asks the guy on the phone how much the shelving will cost. Robert one of the other lecturers answers £10 4 shillings :rotfl: :rotfl: totally brilliant.

[Rawnie]

^^Smooth :lol:

A couple of years ago my friend was going to do a GCSE in astromomy. She was telling me about it and I said..

Me: Ugh.. Why is there a GCSE in astronomy?! It's ridiculous. I don't believe in astronomy anyway.

:lol:

[Kim]

Economics teacher wanted us to shout out as many ways as possible to make the economy more productive. I just had to get in there first...

Me: Don't employ Matt!
Teacher: One

[Tannie]

A few weeks back i saw one of my teachers in a restaurant and he said he was an identical twin. so i went into the pupil support base to ask another teacher cause i didn't believe he was a twin:

Me: Sir is Mr Stewart a twin?
Teacher: I don't know Tanya why?
Me: Cause i saw him in the clubhouse and then asked him on the monday if it was him and he said he was a twin.

(can't remember what happend next but they were taking the mic out of me:lol: )

so i started to walk across to the door saying "I'm never coming in here again!" before another teacher stops me and goes:

Teacher: Can i quote that tanya?
Me: Quote what?
Teacher: that you'll never come in here again?
Me: No *still laughing so hard!*
Teacher to the other teacher: We could put a big banner outside the door saying "Tanya says she'll never come in here again"
Me: very funny, *me and friend walk out in fits"

The bell goes.

Friend - Mr Legg isn't are you sir?
Teacher - No.
Me - What you're not a twin?!

:lol: Don't think i've laughed that much in a long time! My blondeness came through :lol:

[Kim]

Boy who came in to ask the teacher about some work: What's going on?
Teacher: It was meant to be an A Level lesson but it's more like Kinder Garden. :lol:

[CrazyLea]

This is probs one of those "you had to be there" things.. but..

In work, a girl dropped her food on the floor.. woman in the queue behind her goes..
Woman: Excuse me, you have a sausage in your umbrella..

I just cracked up for ages, could not carry on lmao.

[Abbie]

:lol: I find it funny :p

AND OMG I LOVE your banner :wub: :heart:

[CrazyLea]

It really was hilarious :p And then the girl next to her who was her friend, got her umbrella stuck and a colleague had to get it out :lol: Was just so funny :p

And thanks lmao. I love it too.. which reminds me, I have to make Abigail one lmao.. tomorrow Abigail my love, if you read this x

[DaVeyWaVey]

This quote was really funny to me and it was probably a 'had to be there' kind of moment but my friend had an alcohol pitcher full of ice. He downed it and touched his lip and said

"Man, that is one cold lip" :D

[Chloe O'brien]

My sister is looking after Marley while I am at work. Today they went to the local shopping centre. In one of the shops Marley spotted a skipping rope and said to my sister Annette you should buy this to exercise to get rid of you're fat belly. My sister said it's just as well I have no feelings. :rotfl:

[Siobhan]

My sister is looking after Marley while I am at work. Today they went to the local shopping centre. In one of the shops Marley spotted a skipping rope and said to my sister Annette you should buy this to exercise to get rid of you're fat belly. My sister said it's just as well I have no feelings. :rotfl:

Kids are so direct when it comes to stuff like that.. I remember just after I had Ben, I was dancing around the kitchen with Charley as Madonna was on the radio and she says "Mammy, you dance like Madonna except she doesn't have a wobbly belly".. I stopped dancing :rotfl:

[Chloe O'brien]

I know she just doesn't care who she insults. The other night we were at judo and when I was packing up her kit she said to one of the other mum's look my mum's needing dye her hair again she has grey hair's coming through.

[StarsOfCCTV]

I saw a sign advertising the company on some scaffolding today saying 'Let us be your first erection'
:rotfl:

[Abbie]

:rotfl: I love silly signs

[Perdita]

I saw a sign advertising the company on some scaffolding today saying 'Let us be your first erection'
:rotfl:

:rotfl: Very funny

[Kim]

Today on the trip to a chocolate factory:

Boy: Where's the factory? (either blind or being stupid at the time as the factory was right in front of us)
Teacher: We're lost. We're just going to stop here and ask for directions

:lol:

[Kirsty :]]

Haha thats funny.

In College the other day I wasn't exactly paying attention...

Tutor: so what soup would we NOT use a soup spoon for?
Me:.. (at the top of my voice) cup a soup!!!

...I won't be living that one down.

[Abigail]

;687368']
In College the other day I wasn't exactly paying attention...

Tutor: so what soup would we NOT use a soup spoon for?
Me:.. (at the top of my voice) cup a soup!!!

...I won't be living that one down.

:p That is actually true.

What's the answer?

[Kirsty :]]

It's some sort of broth which I forgot the name of, you use a desert spoon for it.. not a soup spoon.

[Kim]

Me and my mum went to pick my dad up and he didn't like my parking; he thought I was too far from the kerb:

Dad: Hold on, I'm just going to call a taxi to get to the car a minute

:rotfl:

[Kim]

The fire bell started ringing at school:

Boy: Sir is this a real one because I really need a wee!

:lol:

[CrazyLea]

Me and my mates were PMing on Facebook.. and my mate was using her mobile..

Instead of saying "I could give her a lift if she wants" she wrote "I could give her a kiev if she wants".

It made me burst into fits of laughter. My mum was looking at me like I was high or something ha.

Predictive text is so funny :rotfl:.

[annette_tr9]

girls night out to see "circus of horrors".........

discussion on what time it starts....

me...starts at seven thirty
daft mate: .....no....says ten past eight on the ticket....
my sister....ummmmmmmmmmmm thats the year (2010)

actually it was the best bit of the night...the show was rubbish

[annette_tr9]

actually i have loads of these....



my friend went to his families house for xmas and they had smelly stuff burning...

friend...." ewwwwwww you are burning that insest...."

...................

[StarsOfCCTV]

I got a funny text tonight:

Im under the moose in the aspen ski lodge. Xx

:lol:

A guy I vaguely know from Freshers week. I'm guessing he's very drunk considering its Carnage tonight! Its Oceana he's talking about in the text. I'm presuming he texted my number by mistake!

[Kim]

In Psychology we were in the computer room doing an essay and most of the class were talking about the holidays that they are going to go on when we finish A Levels. The teacher heard and wasn't so impressed...

Teacher: Can you lot actually do some work now or the only thing you'll be saying is do you want fries with that! :lol:

[StarsOfCCTV]

This was written on my lecture hall table today:

Hi, I am Asian.
(then an arrow to this) I presume you were looking for some kind of racist response

Kudos to the second guy!

[StarsOfCCTV]

Woman 1: This smell seems to be following us around..
Woman 2: Maybe its the ash! *laughs*

:lol:

[Perdita]

A stupid quote one of my work mates made recently:

We were sitting having lunch and she had her mobile phone out and I took mine out because I got a call. After the call she asked to see mine as its a different colour and then she said :

"Your phone is heavier than mine. Is that because it has more text messages in it?"

[Dazzle]

:rotfl: What a ridiculous thing to say!!

[Kim]

My dad's cousin: Have you put on weight?

I found it funny that she actually came out and said that.

[Kim]

From 101 Ways To Leave a Gameshow:

(Talking about an exit where a contestant is put into a car and sent off of a ramp into the water if they have chosen the wrong answer.)

Steve Jones: Yemi, are you confident behind the wheel?
Yemi: I haven't passed my test yet.
Steve Jones: What?! Oh that's too perfect.
Yemi: How embarrassing...
Steve Jones: Have you practised your emergency stops?
Yemi: I haven't even got that far yet
Steve Jones: Oh my goodness... can we get some learner plates for Yemi please?

[Kim]

On my flatmates' tesco bag: Best used before 0511

Plastic bags have sell by dates now?! :rotfl:

[Abigail]

They're biodegradable so unless you want your shopping to fall through the bottom, don't use it after May :p

[Kim]

This went down well earlier...

The lecturer told us we could go and collect our essays after the lecture so the queue was half a mile long. One of my friends walked in, went right up near the front and barged into the queue.

Me: This isn't Thorpe Park, there isn't a queue jump

[Kim]

Me: I can't work the oven...
Mum: The car keys are on the table, go and get a takeaway

:lol:

[Kim]

Junk Caller Clearly Trying To Sell Something: Do you own the house?
Dad: No
Caller: Do you rent the house?
Dad: No
Caller: What are you doing there then?
Dad: Oh I'm just burgling the house
Caller: Have a nice day sir

:rotfl:

[Kim]

My mum asked me to find out for her whether Ringwood was in New Forest or just outside it. I thought I'd ask Siri.

Me: Is Ringwood in New Forest?
Siri: Sorry, I can't make phone calls on this device, Kim.

:lol:

[Kim]

My dad was parked at a golf club when his car was reversed into. He was in the clubhouse and the driver came in to let him know. Shortly afterwards, he received one of the standard junk calls asking if he wanted to claim for compensation.

Dad: What injury would I be claiming for? Falling off the bar stool when she told me? :lol:

Also, when discussing who Trish's (Julie Hesmondhalgh) rapist would be on Broadchurch:

Dad: I reckon Roy Cropper snuck in and did it because he isn't getting any on Corrie!