Dad

[Amber]

I live in Derbyshire and my dad lives in Kent and sometimes I go down with my brother, Arran, or he comes up to see us. If we're going down, my mum drives us half way there and my dad takes us the rest of the way.

Yesterday we were coming home and my mum and Arran went off somewhere in the services, leaving me with my dad. He'd said his goodbyes to Arran already and he was going to do the same to me. He started hugging me, and I'm not at all tactile so I just tried to push him away. He was too strong though, and carried on hugging me, this time really tightly, so tight infact, that it hurt. I started shouting at him to get off because he was hurting my neck. Instead of stopping, he tried to pull me out of the car, which hurt me even more. Then I started screaming at him and he let me go. But then he started swearing at me, saying that "I didn't ****ing love him" and stuff.

He keeps trying to get in contact with me - texting me, emailing me, phoning me - but I've just ignored him.

These are some of the emails he's sent..

Subject: Sorry

I hate myself sometimes. You can hurt me more than anyone else, and you do, and I just wish I knew why. I react badly because I'm torn up inside and you just seem to not care a bit. I'd do anything for you, and you know it. I just wish sometimes you'd let me know you know. Or at least show some sort of reaction. Apathy is worse than anything.

Anyway, at least reply and slag me off, don't ignore me.


Subject: I know you hate me

To be honest I don't like myself a lot.

But you are the best thing in my life, the only woman in my life, and I ain't about to turn around and lose you just because I'm an ignorant something-or-other.

So I'm going to bug you silly, and if you don't reply I'll just keep texting and emailing you.

Don't think I won't because you know how I feel, and you know I'll do it.

Call me soon, please.


I feel so confused. I don't know what to do because it scares me how obsessive he is now. I really don't want to talk to him right now.

Any advice is welcome.

[Jojo]

To be honest hun, the first thing I would do, is email him back, explain in brief how it made you feel and that you'd like some time to think - and that him bombarding you with emails etc, won't help his cause.

Have you told your mum this is what happened? As this is something else that I would do straight away aswell. She has to know what has happened and she will help you deal with it in the best way also - it must have been extremely frightening for you.

[Amber]

Thanks hun. I haven't told my mum yet.. she'd probably have my dad put in prison, or something crazy if she found out though.. :(

[DaVeyWaVey]

I agree with Ems Amber - send your dad an email back telling him exactly how you feel about his obsessive behaviour. If you ignore him, he'll keep bombarding you with emails and texts.

Also tell your mum what has happened, tell your mum how you feel scared as well. It's nice to have someone close to you who knows what your feeling as they'll help you through it and you won't be alone and bottling up what has happened. Keeping it all to yourself and dealing with it all by yourself probably won't help. It's nice to let it all out to someone.

I hope it all gets sorted soon Amber. :)

[Jojo]

Thanks hun. I haven't told my mum yet.. she'd probably have my dad put in prison, or something crazy if she found out though.. :(

The other side of the coin though, is that your dad scared you - he made you feel afraid with the way he behaved and thats not what being a parent is about. Us parents should be there to support our children, not scare or hurt them. Your mum needs to know - I very much doubt that your dad would be put in prison immediately (he hasn't actually done anything illegal) but, she needs to know the situation hun.

You do need to briefly say to your dad though, that he scared you and you'd like some time to think about what happened - if he really does care about you as a father should, he should give you that.

[Kim]

I'd send him an email back, telling him that you need some time to yourself. I wouldn't tell your mum until you've decided if you want anything more to do with him, incase you decide that you do want to give him another chance, and she decides that he can't see you.

Talk to someone else close if you need to talk about it, maybe a friend that doesn't go to your house often, or something, so that it can't get to your mum before you decide, if you do, that you want your mum to do something about it.

[Jojo]

As a parent kim - if my sons didn't tell me something like this - it would hurt me more than anything else possible! Knowing that my child had kept something like that from me. Ambers mum wouldn't be able to stop her dad from seeing Amber unless she went through the courts which is a very long drawn out process, and even then there would have to be proof of why this was wanted and Amber would have to testify.

Or maybe I just have a relationship with my boys that is considered wierd these days - that my boys actually talk to me, knowing that I'll only act on what they want me to act on...

[Chloe O'brien]

I think you need to speak to both your Mum and Dad and tell them how you feel. Maybe something has happened between your parents and your dad is scared that he is not going to get to see you as much, and that is why he is reacting the way he did in the car.

[CrazyLea]

I agree with Ems. If I was a mother, I'd want to know if someone was hurting my child. Especially if that person was someone both myself and my child are supposed to trust.

[Kim]

It's not weird, but something like that; I would do something about, whether it was wanted or not. With Amber having to be driven half of the way by both parents, her mum could make it difficult by not driving her half, and if Amber's mum was trying to stop Amber's dad seeing her, it wouldn't be a good idea for him to show up at her house. Then, he could end up taking the situation to court as he's done nothing illegal, as you said, which wouldn't be a very pleasant thing for Amber to have to go through.

[Jojo]

OK - heres an example of something that I was told by my eldest son only a few weeks back:

A group of 5 lads, the same age as him, grouped round him, grabbed him by the throat, held him up off the floor against a wall and threatened him, very badly, for something he hadn't done. One of his mates came over and got them off, but all the same, he was basically attacked by these kids.

My first instinct, as a parent - I want to treat them the same way, go down the school or to their homes, and see how they'd like it if they were treated in that manner. HOWEVER, my son told me, he didn't want me to do that and that the situation was fine, in hand and had been sorted, but if it carried on - he'd tell me.

I respected him for that and have agreed to that - I may not be happy about it, but I have respected his wishes and am therefore keeping an eye on the situation from a back seat.

Had the situation been worse, then it would be a different situation, but my point is, if you can't respect your childs wishes, from a certain age, then you will lose any trust that your child may have previously put in you and you will therefore end up being kept out of the loop on issues like this, and, worst case scenario, if the situation got worse, you as a parent, wouldn't know!

I am more than happy to say that I don't know Amber or her family, but as a mum, I know that I'd want to know if something like this had happened, and if it were my child that said to me this situation, but also said to me, I've emailed him and asked for him to give me some time, but I wanted you to know what happened, I would respect those wishes, and be pleased that my child felt able to talk to me about it. I think I'd feel far worse, if my children couldn't talk to me about it - worried about what I might do.

Amber hun - you know your mum/dad better than any of us - if you feel you can talk to her, then do so, from another mum's point of view. But definitely email your dad back and ask him for space and time - he has to respect that. If you just ignore him, he could end up asking your mum why your ignoring him and her finding out that way. But like I say, thats what I'd do.

[Abigail]

Keeping this a secret from your mum isn't a good idea, she needs to know what happened. Maybe she could have a word with your dad and tell him how you feel about it, although that depends on how good their relationship is.

But you deffinatly need to email him and tell him you need some time. Ignore his emails if her keeps bombarding you after that.

[Amber]

Thanks everyone.

I would tell my mum if I was close to her, but I'm not. She's done things to me that I could never forgive. I don't trust her. She would take it to court or something too, and I don't want that.

As for my dad, he hasn't sent any more emails and my phone's been switched off so I don't know how many texts he's sent, if he's sent any at all.

I think I might just try and forget it happened..

[alan45]

Speaking from experience. Men who cannot get access to their children sometimes do the strangest things to see their kids. This doesnt really seem to be the case for you. Your Mum doesnt stop you from seeing your Dad in fact she helps facilitate the visits. Unless there is some 'problem' that we dont know about him from his past then this is why I think he behaved as he did. IBefore I start I am not condoneing his behaviour. Parents split up for all sorts of reasons. In my case the marriage broke down completely but my ex decided to use the children as a weapon against me. I had stayed with her just for the sake of the kids. When I couldnt see them it nearly put my head away. On the days when I occasionally (about once in 6 mths) got to see them I was so overjoyed that I didnt want to let them go. Whilst I didnt go quite as far as your dad I just felt so much towards them it broke my heart when they had to go back. Of course way back then there was no email and mobile phones so contact was impossible. You father might have went too far yesterday but I dont feel your mum is the best person to discuss it with. You need someone independant. Have you an Aunt/Uncle or someone who know you well and would not be biased against either your mum or dad. If you involve a teacher or social worker then things will escalate and become official. Even try the Samaratains or childline and see if they can help you.

In the meantime email your Dad. Tell him NOT to pester you by Email or texts as he is not helping his case. Ask him to give you some breathing space so you can work out what is actually happening. Dont forget this may just be a case of a loving father over-reacting. It may be something differerent. But if Social workers or Police get involved it will be investigated and spiral out of control. You live far enough away from him so you have no worries. Take the time to get your head round it and try and get help from non-judgemental people. Sorry that I have rabbitted on but Im just saying what I think and hope I have been of some help.

[Abigail]

How are things going with your dad?

[Amber]

I've decided to try and ignore it - it really doesn't help with my exams. He keeps sending me texts and emails though. And he keeps getting flowers and other stuff sent to me. He can't expect me to welcome him back with open arms by buying me with gifts.

I really don't want to deal with this right now.

[Amber]

Things have taken a turn for the worst.

My nan (my dad's mum) has spoken to him and phoned me about it. She thinks I'm being silly and that I should forgive him. She made me feel like I was in the wrong. Then she was saying that I should forgive him for her - that I would never see her again if I didn't. I didn't give in though.

Today my brother told me that my dad phoned him and was asking about the drama production I'm in at the weekend. He wants to come to see me. I freaked out a bit and burst into tears. I really can't bare the thought of him being there. I told my brother that if he turns up, I will walk out, I won't be in it and it will ruin it because of him.

What am I meant to do?

[Amber]

I'm not sure if anyone is still reading this thread or not but I wanted to give you an update.

Since July alot has happened. He didn't turn up at the play - he did, however, send me flowers before we were going on stage which completely threw me off course. The card said "Sorry I couldn't be there." as if I'd asked him to come. Everyone kept going "Aw, that's so sweet." and I didn't really know what to do. I was awful on stage and messed up alot. Drama is the one thing that I didn't want him to mess up for me and he went ahead and did it. After that, my brother went down to see him and he kept sending me texts like "You could always change your mind if you wanted to." and "It's really lonely without you." I ignored him and got on with things. He continued to send me emails and texts and then I got a CD in the post and I knew it was from him. It was some song about losing love or something. I wanted to snap the thing in half but my mum sent it back before I had the chance to. I was so angry about that. Didn't he realise that I didn't need any of this? Anyway, last weekend he came up and my Grandma had to pick me up with all of my stuff on Friday afternoon - just so that I wouldn't have to see him.

I'll have to explain more tomorrow because I haven't got enough time at the moment.

[Jeremy]

It,s been a while since you,ve spoken about your dad. I hope everythings ok?