Don't know what to do - help needed!

[di marco]

ok this might be a bit complicated lol but ill try and explain it properly!

anyway, when i started uni i made friends with this boy called paul (not his actual name) and he said he liked me. i said i didnt wanna go out with him cos i didnt really know him that well (id known him for less than a week) and that i didnt really want a relationship (which was sort of true, but really what i meant was that i didnt want to go out with him even though i liked him cos of what i knew he was like to girls). anyway, we decided that we would just do random drunken/sometimes not drunken snogging etc which suited me just fine. but then his ex girlfriend came down and 1 of our other friends told her about us and she got really mad and was really bitchy towards me. i didnt understand why cos although they were still casually sleeping together they werent going out so i didnt see what her problem was. anyway i found out over xmas that he was going back out with her (which was fine by me cos we had decided to stop what we were doing). but yesterday i found that he has actually been going out with her the whole time weve been at uni and now i feel bad cos he was cheating on her with me

i dont know what to do, i mean now i can understand why she was so pissed off with me when she came down cos she knew he was cheating on her with me but i genuinely didnt know, i honestly thought they werent together anymore. so now i feel guilty about the whole thing and am wondering what to do, should i just leave it and say nothing (to my knowledge paul doesnt know i now know about this) or should i explain to his girlfriend the next time i see her? ive already decided that im not going to really mention this to paul cos im not bothered or upset by the fact he was going out with her so i dont want to ruin our friendship having an argument about something that happened ages ago, but whats getting to me is the fact that i feel really bad about hurting her without realising and dont know what would be best. im surprised she didnt slap me when she saw me lol!

sorry for the essay lol hope it makes sense (it might not seeing as im really tired lol!) and any help would be grately appreciated :)

[Jojo]

I would leave it unless she says something to you Di M.

You didn't know they were together, so he is the one at fault here, not you. If she starts having a go at you, then explain the situation to her. But I wouldn't go out of your way to explain the situation. If she wants to know the truth, she will eventually try and find out, whether it be directly from you or via one of your mates, but unless things get nasty (in which case, tell her to her face what the situ was) I wouldn't bother. The sad thing is that she knows he was cheating on her with you, but seems to have forgiven him!

[di marco]

I would leave it unless she says something to you Di M.

You didn't know they were together, so he is the one at fault here, not you. If she starts having a go at you, then explain the situation to her. But I wouldn't go out of your way to explain the situation. If she wants to know the truth, she will eventually try and find out, whether it be directly from you or via one of your mates, but unless things get nasty (in which case, tell her to her face what the situ was) I wouldn't bother. The sad thing is that she knows he was cheating on her with you, but seems to have forgiven him!

thanks ems :)

i know its not my fault but i feel bad cos if i hadnt have done it then it wouldnt have happened. exactly in a way i feel sorry for her cos if someone cheated on me (especially if then they found it amusing to tell me they were cheating) then i definitely wouldnt still be with them! the only thing now i know is that i think when shes down here the situation will be even more uncomfortable then it was and i dont want to make a bad atmosphere for everyone else like last time. sometimes it would be so much easier if you just didnt find these sort of things out lol!

[Jojo]

Do you know the girl or anything? Have you spoken to her before? If the atmosphere was that bad, or you really wanted to, you could speak to her, just yourself, explain the situation and that if you'd known he was with someone, nothing would have happened, but at the end of the day, you didn't cause the atmosphere - he did by cheating. You had no idea they were still together.

Its true though - if you didn't know that she knows and that they were actually still together, you wouldn't feel awkward, but then you would also wonder why she was so peed at you.

[di marco]

Do you know the girl or anything? Have you spoken to her before? If the atmosphere was that bad, or you really wanted to, you could speak to her, just yourself, explain the situation and that if you'd known he was with someone, nothing would have happened, but at the end of the day, you didn't cause the atmosphere - he did by cheating. You had no idea they were still together.

Its true though - if you didn't know that she knows and that they were actually still together, you wouldn't feel awkward, but then you would also wonder why she was so peed at you.

i dont know her really at all, ive only met her once and weve never spoken to each other. she made everyone feel uncomfortable by the whole night not speaking to any of the rest of us (there were about 10 more of us), no hello to anyone or anything (and i know she was annoyed with me but no one else had done anything wrong!) and she was all over paul the whole night (which normally makes me feel uncomfortable anyway whoever it is when youre all meant to be out together). 4 of my friends decided to go home straight away and all the rest of us left early

which sort of leads me on to another thing. i found out yesterday as well that all my male friends knew that he was still with her (yet none of them told me), but my female friends didnt know and they were saying how she was a right bitch about how she was behaving etc. so also i dont know whether to say to my female friends that they were still together cos i feel bad again that they were being horrible about her over what she was doing without knowing why if that makes sense

[Jojo]

i dont know her really at all, ive only met her once and weve never spoken to each other. she made everyone feel uncomfortable by the whole night not speaking to any of the rest of us (there were about 10 more of us), no hello to anyone or anything (and i know she was annoyed with me but no one else had done anything wrong!) and she was all over paul the whole night (which normally makes me feel uncomfortable anyway whoever it is when youre all meant to be out together). 4 of my friends decided to go home straight away and all the rest of us left early

which sort of leads me on to another thing. i found out yesterday as well that all my male friends knew that he was still with her (yet none of them told me), but my female friends didnt know and they were saying how she was a right bitch about how she was behaving etc. so also i dont know whether to say to my female friends that they were still together cos i feel bad again that they were being horrible about her over what she was doing without knowing why if that makes sense

Why did none of your male mates tell you?!?! Plus, if she was peed off, she shouldn't have taken it out on everyone, she should have either stayed away or gone out with "Paul" somewhere else, instead of making everyone else feel uncomfortable. Maybe you could mention to your girlfriends about what you've found out, but even so, she still shouldn't have behaved the way she did around all of you. Although maybe she was embarrassed, but then hey, she should have more respect for herself - her blokes been cheating on her, yet shes still with him - whats with that?!

[di marco]

i dont know her really at all, ive only met her once and weve never spoken to each other. she made everyone feel uncomfortable by the whole night not speaking to any of the rest of us (there were about 10 more of us), no hello to anyone or anything (and i know she was annoyed with me but no one else had done anything wrong!) and she was all over paul the whole night (which normally makes me feel uncomfortable anyway whoever it is when youre all meant to be out together). 4 of my friends decided to go home straight away and all the rest of us left early

which sort of leads me on to another thing. i found out yesterday as well that all my male friends knew that he was still with her (yet none of them told me), but my female friends didnt know and they were saying how she was a right bitch about how she was behaving etc. so also i dont know whether to say to my female friends that they were still together cos i feel bad again that they were being horrible about her over what she was doing without knowing why if that makes sense

Why did none of your male mates tell you?!?! Plus, if she was peed off, she shouldn't have taken it out on everyone, she should have either stayed away or gone out with "Paul" somewhere else, instead of making everyone else feel uncomfortable. Maybe you could mention to your girlfriends about what you've found out, but even so, she still shouldn't have behaved the way she did around all of you. Although maybe she was embarrassed, but then hey, she should have more respect for herself - her blokes been cheating on her, yet shes still with him - whats with that?!

thats what i said yesterday, dont you think it would have been a good idea to tell me? apparently they thought i already knew! :rolleyes: although im not sure when they found out, they might not have known about it straight away. also, and i think they might be right, a few of my friends thought that she might be insecure and is desperate to hold onto him, thats why she behaved like she did

[Jojo]

If she was all over him it was almost like making a statement of "hes mine" kind of thing.

Couldn't they have checked with you though, or did they think you'd do that kind of thing, knowing he was with someone?! :rolleyes: Guys!! :wall:

I think your friends could be right about the insecurity bit. I know of people that HAVE to have a girlfriend or boyfriend, just for image and appearance kind of thing.

What she needs to remember that if hes done it before, he'll do it again.

[di marco]

If she was all over him it was almost like making a statement of "hes mine" kind of thing.

Couldn't they have checked with you though, or did they think you'd do that kind of thing, knowing he was with someone?! :rolleyes: Guys!! :wall:

I think your friends could be right about the insecurity bit. I know of people that HAVE to have a girlfriend or boyfriend, just for image and appearance kind of thing.

What she needs to remember that if hes done it before, he'll do it again.

yeh i know, thats what i thought as well, i wouldnt put it past them if they thought i would do that, especially as i know some of them would do that themselves and not see anything wrong with it. yeh thats the sad thing, he was talking about going out on the pull the other day, cos she was only there til someone better came along. i cant believe the attitude some of my guy friends have towards girls, its disgusting

[Kylie]

when you go to uni things at home get very complicated! Your feelings can get confused - especially if you are a bloke. Male friends are different to female friends - they dont see it as their business, so dont interfere. Dont blame you male friends - they probably just didnt want to get involved.
If you should be mad at anyone it should be with your male friend - you didnt know about the other girl but he did. He was stringing both you and his girlfriend along by cheating with both of you. If you were just mates and there was nothing really serious about you two and you didnt want anything more and you knew nothing of this girl then you have nothing to feel guilty about.